Jessica Simpson Design: Dresses

Edited by Zmaji Robinson

Jessica Simpson designing dresses? Surely the world is coming to an end. Could you really trust a woman that thinks buffalo wings come from buffalo to design the dress for your next shindig? I mean this is the same broad that didn’t know whether or not “Chicken of the Sea” tuna is really chicken or fish. I mean, if that don’t scream ‘I’ve been sniffing’ the chloroform’, I don’t know what does. If she doesn’t know that difference, I don’t see how she would know the difference between silk jersey and burlap with shards of glass in it. This is a disaster in the making and I’m huddling under that kitchen table preparing for the fallout.

I can just see it now, uneven hemlines, an arm socket where the tiddies supposed to be, a zipper horizontally across the butt. I guess we need to start letting everybody design things they have no business in hell designing. George W Bush can start new space shuttle designs for NASA. Stevie Wonder can design reading glasses and Dr Kevorkian can design new life saving curriculum for paramedics and firemen. Stay in your lane Mama!

- Z’maji of HauteBlogXOXO

Miss “A” Knife Kicks Boys Butts

Edited by Zmaji Robinson

Don’t you want to maintain your sexy but still be prepared at all times? And NO! This is not about condom carriage you oversexed Indies, it’s about bein’ resourceful and cute with out faltering. Say you snag your nail on some $2 Pay-Pal trick’s weave at the club cuz she got all up in ya face talkin’ bout, “You stole my man, you stole my man!” when you know you returned him after you were through. Well you want to keep your fab in tact but still take care of business. So you whip out your Miss “A” Knife, flip out the main blade and get to work slicin’ and dicin’ that toothless skanch beyond recognition.

Afterwards, you may proceed to the bathroom and use the nifty nail file to get your manicure back together, flip open the mirror to make sure your make-up is still flawless, pop one of mommy’s little helpers from the pillbox to calm your nerves & use the rubber tipped pointer to send a text on your touch screen phone to Rebecca and Daniel about how you just mollywhopped a hoe on the dance floor. Now only if it had a little flask for an little afternoon delight, mm-hmm!

Get it here babeh!

- Z’maji of HauteBlogXOXO

The Old Men on the Block

Edited by Zmaji Robinson

The boy bands are coming, the boy bands are coming………and boy are they old *ZING*. I keed. No but seriously, it’s an epidemic of ginormous proportions. New Kids on the Block, Backstreet Boys & New Edition are all back on the scene, I wonder if that residual income on songs sang has run out and it was either do another CD or the graveyard shift at Mickey Dumps. The overwhelming fear of my heart is pre-middle aged men traveling in groups of 5, dressed in the same color scheme, Jesus take the wheel. I don’t even know how New Kids were able to get Jonathan back on stage. Remember a few years ago when he was on Montell boo-hoo’n about stage fright and crowds of people, agoraphobia. I guess the possibility of makin’ more cash killed that. How do you feel about grown, really grown, men doin’ pop music, dancin’ around, looking matchy matchy? I know that’s my phobia!

Dear Evisu…..Please Die!

Edited by Zmaji Robinson

……a horrid, screaming death of fire and pain,  please do it now!

WARNING! :  Fashion Indie writers have taken an oath to uphold the highest standards of style and beauty.   Therefore if we catch you in the street rockin’ Evisu,  we’ll take a page from PETA and douse you in your own blood due to an unforgiving mercy beating.  Put em’ outta their misery,  that’s our motto.

Remember a while ago when Daniel Saynt did the post about Evisu’s attempt at innovation that only resulted in tacky denim I wouldn’t wish on Anna Wintor’s lifeless corpse.  Well those lovely people have continued there sacrilegious onslaught against our lady fashion………and boy must she be pissed.  Just somebody please riddle me this,  WHO NEEDS THAT MANY POCKETS.  Are they to hold condoms for people with overactive sex lives?  Are they trying to promote organization in the hood, a way to keep your ”product” in order………..maybe even for Amy Winehouse?  Or is it just some douchecock had nothing better to do but be a crap stain on urban style?  Please don’t stare directly into the jeans as your soul is in jeopardy of losing all sense of style & dignity and burning in hell.  Satan is surely behind this……..damn that tricky little devil!

-Z’maji of HauteBlogXOXO

Mischa Barton “Designs”….Society Takes A Turn For The Worse

Edited by Zmaji Robinson

 ……dazed, confused and hungrier than 3rd world orphans

Well 1st she showed up to the MET gala looking a flammable, pretentious mess,  then there was the tabloid fallout when pictures of her cottage cheesed assless back surfaced, and now?  I guess because misery loves company,  we the fashion world must suffer as well,  seeing Mischa will soon “design” her own line of handbags *pause for projectile vomit and explicatives*.  My grandmother always said that, “Idol hands are the devils work”.  Meaning,  when you ain’t got nothin’ to do, you decide that it would be a good time to become a “designer”.  That’s right childrens’,  if’n you have nothing better to do with your time becuz the roles aren’t pouring in and you got canned from your hit show and Neutrogena drops you like you’ve contracted the clap & an itchy bleeding rash and the tabloids publish pictures of your slinking, sloppy, junky trunk.  Poor Mischa,  as much as I loathe her, I feel kind of bad for the rotting body of death that is her career, OUCH!  That even hurt me to say.  It just seems like a case of ”reaping what you sow’” a.k.a. KARMA for being such a douchecock during her O.C. days.  Afterall Karma is an vengeful, violently menstrating whore that will not be satiated till she draws the very last drop of lifes blood leaving you walking the red carpet at The MET looking the cockeye-ded fool.

Oh yea and the line will be hitting stores early July in the UK, blah, blah, blah and all that jazz.  The line will feature leather and snakeskin bags with a flower logo hand drawn by Mischa herself probably with crayons and finger paints.  Mischa you just got yo’self a good ol’ bashin’,  pick your face up boo!

Love you Mischy!  Just like sweet zexy Jesus!

 - Z’maji

Beauty Alert!!! Mmmmmm, Placenta…..

Edited by Zmaji Robinson

Did you ever wish your Maybeline or your Red Bull had the wonderful trace of human afterbirth? Yum, love those fetal escrements. Well if you’re a disgusting baby eater, the Japanese got what ‘cha need. A company called, Q-Bit, has a beauty line of drinks, pills, jellies and face masks all with purified placenta. Of course I’m so friggin’ dramatic that I’ve led you to believe that it’s human placenta when it’s actually pig………..of course placenta is disgusting no matter what mammal it was harvested from. Asians do seem to find benefit and use for any and everthing anyway, but this is still a bit shocking. Now they say it’s a pig BUT remember there are face creams that have baby boy foreskin in them to combat those eye wrinkles………sooooo, there’s a possibility that you could be smearing fetal poo all over your face, how unsavoury!

Heidi Montag Wrinkled and STILL NOT a designer!!!

Edited by Zmaji Robinson

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Gwyny P. Holdin’ It Down For Working Mothers

Edited by Zmaji Robinson

I have been known through the years to call Gwyneth Paltrow everything from a ‘melanin deficient bean pole’ to ‘bulimic boy chested trollop’ to ‘talentless slope headed bone bag’…..but I digress.  I never agreed with people labeling her a “Trendsetter” but I’ve also been known to form opinions in haste.  Therefore, I must apologize to Gwyny P. becuz clearly giving birth to two parasites has done wonders for her body.  I’m of course referring to her recently making the rounds to promote her return to the big screen but she’s killing the red carpet.  My favorite is the black lace and beaded Balmain mini dress with satine lapeled blazer and 4inch McQueen platform pumps (above) yea Mama, that’s the good stuff baby!  Hot Legs,  the greatest accessory known to man!

Look below for more Oscar winnin’ McGoodness:

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Hot’n'Sexy in Preen

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