Just like Teen Mom role model, Amber Portwood did, take that little baby mama to the tattoo parlor to get her a memory that lasts a lifetime. Also known as a baby.

Mama's gonna need some wine at the end of the school day. Get her a fake ID so she can buy it herself.

Now that she's getting her teenage body back, get her a Juicy Couture velour zip up.

When the baby's crying all night, throw on a season of Vampire Diaries and catch up.

It's the shirt that says, "I wish Justin Bieber were my baby daddy."

This body firming emulsion will help her stomach regain its youthful firmness.

This girl's only teen journal will have her marking the biggest occasions in her life. Sweet 16. Baby's first steps. You know, high school.

And for the Teen Mom-to-be, let's throw in a gun reference, and a reminder of scars to come.

Cargo Shorts Useful. Yes. Practical. Sure. Awful. You betcha. Give me a utilitarian article of clothing anyday of the week, but there's a time and a place for a multi-pocketed cargo short. And that time is called hiking outdoors or robbing a 7-Eleven.

Crocs You know who looks cute in Crocs? Toddlers. But then again, toddlers can pull off anything -- jumpers, cuddly animals...Harajuku girl. Anyone who can drink without the use of a sippy cup, however, should put on a real shoe.

Ed Hardy Anything I've always been a fan of a statement outfit, but some statements just don't need to be made. Especially since it's so hard to ignore whatever an Ed Hardy article is saying since it's so loud and obnoxious.

Fanny Packs I'm actually guilty of this particular offense, but granted my fanny packs are sequined and/or leopard-print. And as everyone knows, a sequin or leopard print can save any tragedy.

Ironic T-shirts Irony died a slow and painful death after being beaten to death by hipsters about five years ago and the ironic T-shirt is a reminder of those heroin-induced halcyon days when genuine sentiment was still a thing.

Juicy Couture Tracksuits Los Angeles-based brand Juicy Couture has more or less ruined the word "couture" for everyone. To clarify, couture means one-of-a-kind and custom-made. Juicy Couture means "I don't care what I look like when I step outside of my house."

Platform Sneakers Heels for the athletic gal on the run? If you insist on a little height to your trainers, class it up with an always appropriate sneaker heel.

Popcorn Shirts I had never even heard of these shirts until writing this post but I was both intrigued and horrified by the discovery. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Trucker Hats Also known as shorthand for "I'm a douche who will ruin your credit and probably your life."

Uggs Rising to prominence in Australia and New Zealand in the 1970s thanks to those fashionable wave-riders  otherwise known as surfers, the most activity an Ugg sees this day is a hungover trip to the mall.

The Christopher Kane shoes that Saks proclaims obsession with range from $570-$655! Unacceptable.

What does Saks say about them? “Flat. Cushioned. Comfortable.” All correct, I’m sure. “The Great Scot’s High-Fashion” wrong “answer to the heel is here.” That’s one wise-ass answer. “Call us surprised. And obsessed.” Surprised, indeed.

Where are you Solestruck? Can you help us rid the world of these ugly shoes?!

Now. [Deep breath] Enough of my beat-around-the-bush opinions. Would you wear ‘em?

When you think Halle Berry you think “beautiful,” you think “sexy,” you think “boy, that was really a waste of an Oscar.” Gothika, really? The  occasional actress already has her own award-winning — the Fifis are an award — line of fragrances and she’s added a line of shoes with German brand Deichmann, “5 Ave by Halle Berry.”

"Seriously, this? Well, someone's gotta pay for Nahla's baby Bentley. Lights, camera, let's get this over with."

Why a German brand, you ask? This is just a shot in the dark, but: one can assume Deichmann offered beaucoup bucks and, it being a foreign brand, Berry wouldn’t be as blatantly associated with this doesn’t-it-feel-good-to-Payless-quality of shoe as if she had went with an American label. Or a well-known label. Or a known label. Celebrities, after all, are famous for shilling the basest of products overseas, far away from their snobby peers  and prestigious careers.

But why — oh why, Halle — are the shoes…this:

Apparently having never met a boxy wedge she didn’t like, Berry’s collection has all the sexiness of a game of geriatric strip bingo.

Perhaps guided by her claim that her shoes “can easily be worn by every woman,” 5 Ave by Halle Berry retails for less than $50 — that is if you can get them in America. But hopefully, much like her films from the past ten years — I mean, just try to act, it’s all I’m asking for — these shoes will disappear before anyone gets to see them. [Telegraph]

"Seriously, this? Well, someone's gotta pay for Nahla's baby Bentley. Lights, camera, let's get this over with."

Photo: Huff Po

Perhaps she was drunkenly driving down Jessica Lange Lane before crashing hair-first into Escaped Mental Patient Blvd; or maybe she just got on the business end of a weed-whacker. Either way, Cammy D’z has seen better days. Not very many better days, mind you, as girl loves her some red carpet bed-head. But instead of looking like she just rolled out of bed and threw on whatever Rachel Zoe picked out for her, Diaz looks like she was run over by the diminutive stylist’s SUV on her way to outfit someone who was actually invited to the ceremony.

Whaddya say we just chalk this up to a bad hair day and forget it ever happened? This dress, however, needs to be burned immediately.

Photo: Huff Po

The black herringbone, the plum heathered dark slate wee stripe, the dark slate heathered dark slate classic stripe (who comes up with this crap?), and the tempest blue herringbone are proudly worn by an athletic-looking Caucasian dude in loose-fitting sweatpants of some variety. Lululemon, perhaps feeling the need to diversify — just a tad — then threw an African American dude in the black Pacific Run Long Sleeve and a pair of tight, lycra-esque pants that leave little to the imagination.

Was this just a happy accident or was Lululemon trying to not-so-subtly imply…well, I’m not really sure what the implication could possibly be. Anyway, the point is moot since the last black guy I saw running was from Kenya and I doubt he’d ever be seen in a long sleeve anything. [Lululemon]

The two tees, though not really that offensive but then again not really that funny either, bared the fratboy-esque slogan, “Nice new girlfriend. What breed is she?” and “I’m so sorry, but” followed by a handful of choices including “I was drunk” and “I hate you” — both completely justifiable reasons, but I digress. Apparently, that ruffled a few too many feathers online and Topman pulled the shirts, releasing the following statement:

“We have received some negative feedback regarding two of our printed T-shirts. Whilst we would like to stress that these T-shirts were meant to be light hearted and carried no serious meaning we have made the decision to remove these from store and on-line as soon as possible. We would like to apologise to those who may have been offended by these designs. ”

The only real offense, it seems, is cowing to a bunch of uptight Tweeps who can’t take a joke — albeit a bad one. [Telegraph]

Beyoncé shot two campaigns, one for fall with Tony Duran (above) and one for the holidays with fashion’s very own St. Dick Nick, Terry Richardson. Of the experience, B had this to say: “Working with Tony and Terry on these two separate campaigns was such an amazing experience. Their approach is so different, yet to me the end results are so beautiful in their own unique way.”

As co-creative director — that happened — I guess she has to say that and as a gay I guess I have to support it. At least she brought out the Foxxy Cleopatra hair this time around so I can have something to hold onto. [WWD]

*Meanwhile, can we talk about the Knowles and their obsession with inconveniently-placed accents?

- An animated Lady Gaga will “play a little bit of a slut” (natch)when she kisses Marge Simpson — and inspires the town of Springfield, which is suffering from low self-esteem (natch) — during her guest starring stint on an episode of The Simpsons. [Page Six]

- 1500 losers with too much time on their hands people have signed an online petition to stop the “Starlet or Streetwalker” segment on E!‘s Fashion Police. Meanwhile, they’re completely missing the entire point of the segment: Hollywood starlets are skanks. Let’s stop the problem at its source, can we? [The Cut]

In a statement on A&F’s website:

“We are deeply concerned that Mr. Sorrentino’s association with our brand could cause significant damage to our image. We understand that the show is for entertainment purposes, but believe this association is contrary to the aspirational nature of our brand, and may be distressing to many of our fans.”

A&F wants The Situation to wear an “alternate brand” and has also “extended this offer to other members of the cast, and are urgently waiting a response.”

A. Since when is Abercrombie & Fitch an aspirational brand? Sure, once upon a time it was actually a respected label but that went flying out the door once those homoerotic soft porn biannuals disguised as catalogs started popping up in-store.

B. Correct me if I’m wrong (don’t you dare), but isn’t The Situation the kind of customer A&F mainly appeals to, i.e. douchebags and juiceheads?

C. This has been happening to Snooki for ages with designers purposely sending her their competitor’s bags in order to avoid being associated with her, so the Jersey Shore kids are basically fist-pumping, cartwheeling and throwing up all the way to the bank. God bless America. [WWD]

Photo: WWD

Come on, Rachel Roy. Put your clothes on. Oh, it’s either that or your famous trench-dress? Either way, it looks like your one step too close to going streaking.

Fail.

OK let’s be brutally honest here. What in the hell were the people at Details & Conde Nast on when they  thought Ashton Kutcher was the right man to put on this cover. It’s not just any cover, it’s a SEPTEMBER ISSUE. To add insult to injury they stick him in a nondescript black v-neck sweater against a white background. No offense but we’ve litettaly seen better id pictures, hell mugshots even.

This is a prime example of the magazine industry putting celebrity in front of substance and fashion. This is pretty much a slap in the face for anyone who considers this publication as a good source of mens style and fashion.

Let me know how you feel by commenting below or tweeting me directly at @mcarthurjoseph.

Although most popular among women — from teens to ladies well-acquainted with an old-fashioned girdle —  more men are trying to control their muffin tops with such brands as Rip’t by Yummie Tummie, Under Armour and Spanx for Men.

While the print is less controversial than her previous Hindu disaster, Lisa Blue now seems to want you to leave the beach with a barcode on your belly.

A model walks the runway for the Diesel show during Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Swim at Raleigh Hotel on July 14, 2011 in Miami Beach, Florida.

“Must-have shoe brand: Nina. ‘The light-up heels are pretty sick.’

I can’t watch a movie without: ‘A snuggle partner.’

Best celebrity style: Nicki Minaj. ‘She’s amazing.’

Dream vacation: Bora Bora

I never leave home without: ‘Bronzer and pink lipstick.’

Funniest person I know: ‘Myself.’

If ‘The Snooki’ were a cocktail, the key ingredients would be: ‘Pickle juice, vodka and wine, [and it] would have a little umbrella.’” (I mean, you have to keep it classy.)

So who’s already embracing the Snooki lifestyle?

61933, FLORENCE, ITALY - Tuesday May 31, 2011. Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi spotted wearing a neck brace - before taking it off - after being filmed for Season 4 of "Jersey Shore". The pint-sized reality star lost her driver's license after being involved in a car crash that put two police officers in a hospital. She was behind the wheel of a Fiat Multipla with co-star Deena Nicole Cortese when the fender bender accident occurred. Polizzi allegedly colided into the side of a police car that was escorting them through the city. Photograph: © Will Groves, PacificCoastNews.com **FEE MUST BE AGREED PRIOR TO USAGE** **E-TABLET/IPAD & MOBILE PHONE APP PUBLISHING REQUIRES ADDITIONAL FEES** UK OFFICE:+44 131 557 7760/7761 US OFFICE:1 310 261 9676

- Leave it up to Terry Richardson to perv up Kate Moss’s surprisingly classy wedding. That said, his pictorial guide to her festivities is irresistible, especially since he’s taken said photos off his Tumblr (not to worry, you can still see them after the jump!). Something smells suspiciously like Wintour. [Styliete & The Cut]

- Shocking absolutely no one, Calvin Klein moved his face long enough to break up with his younger clone – ahem, 21 year-old boyfriend – Nick Gruber, to which Nick responded: “Ck and I Broke up. HELLO SUICIDE!!!!!” They must have had such a healthy relationship. [Styleite]

- After just about everyone ‘Bitch, Please’d Nicola Formichetti over his fear of curvy girls, the creative director at Mugler has issued a statement about how much he loves working with fat people. Excuse me, “non-skinny” people. [Fashionista]

- On Good Morning America this week, Beyonce “wore a perforated long-sleeved bright yellow leotard with a fringed skirt” that would be questionable on anyone but her, and a look that may have coerced me into saying anything nice about the outfit. [The Cut]

- Alexa Chung, if you were wondering, Uncle Karl does not love all his children equally. A tip sheet from his Chanel show reveals his personal rankings for attendees. According to Karl, Diane Kruger & Joshua Jackson are now one person. [Fashionista]

High waisted shorts are sadly wasted on the straight man.

“They remind me of what my mom used to wear,” says Hot Straight Man. EEEK. Buzzkill.

As his hot straight guy friends all concurred with vigor, I realized this could either be an agree to disagree situation, or we, lady-kind, can take steps to come to a middle ground. So maybe hit a situp or two, and rock these low rises for the first time this side of 2009.

[Row by row, left to right, starting with the lady]

1. Dark denim, cut short. Blank NYC, $68

2. Floral with length to spare. Desire Clothing, £18

3. Short trouser short. All Saints, $65

4. Olive a good cuffed bottom option. Madewell, $65

5. Stretch silk chiffon rides low and bright. Jean Yu, $200

6. Natively embellished and assymetrical. All Saints, $250

7. Hot yellow hot pants for a day just as bright. Topshop, $55

8. Faded floral in innocent denim. ICHI, €30

9. Leather cut-offs for a badass. Chloë Sevigny for Opening Ceremony, on sale for $375

10. Blinding cyan on the lowdown. J Brand, $205

NEVER!

We mean it.

Unless you’re going to a beach and you have to hike through terrain to get there. Or you’re eleven and going to a water park. Or you’re my father at the swim club. Really, there’s little excuse.

This conclusion was reached when I delved into what designers Alber Elbaz for Lanvin and Richard Chai supposed looked decent with this atrocity. Socks and a suit? Just try getting past a bouncer in those. They also show a cargo short…. have to disagree.

One day, we’ll find a shoe that does all of the things we want a Teva to do – ie: hold the foot sturdy with as few straps as possible with arch support and a grippy sole. But these are not the way. This isn’t it.

No need to revisit this part of the nineties.

While Harper’s Bazaar tackled the online counterfeit debacle at their recent Anti-Counterfeiting Summit, New York is getting all sorts of serious about the topic of fakes. New York City council member Margaret Chin is championing a bill that would criminalize the purchase of fake trademarked items. In layman’s terms: Buy a fake bag, go to jail.

“The bill targets those people who purchase goods that they know are counterfeit,” says Chin.

Fake bag street vendors line Canal Street and crawl through Soho and Chinatown, making it at once a destination and a trap for tourists, and are a serious nuisance to those who live there. They cost NYC over $1 billion in tax revenue and all for what? To make you look tacky, that’s what.

Counterfeit is Ugly

This past Tuesday, top editors, PR firms, designers, and guests of honor from the Mayors office gathered under one collective roof at the Harper’s Bazaar 7th annual Anti-Counterfeit Summit. While dining on delicacies like truffle risotto balls, a panel of experts spoke about the dangers and harms of counterfeit goods.  Frank Abagnale, one of the world’s most respected authorities on the subject (seeing that he lived the part which was interpreted in the hit book, movie, and now Broadway show Catch Me If You Can), Susan Engel, CE of Portero Luxury, an internet retailer of luxury goods, and Thomas Onda the chief of intellectual property at Levi’s were all on the panel to educate us on how the counterfeit industry funds terrorism, child labor malpractice, and fuels the drug industry.  Judging by the surprised and horrified looks on everyone’s faces, counterfeit goods seem to be a battle that can mostly be won through mere awareness and education.

What can you do? Instead of buying fake, get a bag that no one has ever seen. Find one in a local store, go vintage, go to the biggies like Urban Outfitters or Zara, or save up for the real deal!

This two toned square long strapped brief takes hints, not verbatim notes from Louis Vuitton.

Loving the Marc Jacobs quilted chained crossbody on the right, but not its pricetag? Find a piece like this orange bag with chains and metal detailing. It shouldn’t be exact.

Looking for a specific color leather? There are less ornate bags than your beloved Gucci. Get the simple version, then add your own flare later.

Now you’ve been warned: Do not pass go, do not collect a Gucci bag for 30 dollars. Chances are, you’ll go directly to jail.

Disgusted that jeans and a tank were paired with Chanel tweed, disappointed that “I-have-no-stylist” Blake Lively agreed to it, and appalled that anything to do with the word “Cellulite” is touching anything Chanel. Gross.

Don’t talk to me, I’m too upset. Leave your message of outrage below.

Link Love: Coco Perez

Sally Singer‘s T Magazine declares that this “multistrapped mid-’80s fashion disaster beloved by Deadheads in dreads, is having a moment.” There are at least 5 things wrong with that sentence so would it be possible to end this moment before it even starts?

Apparently Lanvin (left Alber, what were you thinking?), Bottega Veneta (center) and Richard Chai (right) all showed them on their spring runways. So with the coming warm weather also comes the threat of seeing people’s gross feet on the subway…

The New York City subway…

In flip-flops…

Why not just walk barefoot through a pile of hypodermic needles? It’s the same experience. So, gentlemen, before subjecting your feet and the world to Teva torture, perhaps consider a slip-on? An espadrille? A casual man-heel?

Photos: GQ

[Above: Purple Gameboy plaforms]

Nothing says I’m a naughty gamer like purple platforms with tadpole-like fringe. Rumor has it you must own at least three Hello Kitty jeggings to buy this pair.

Is that a loafer cell with 90s earbuds? Looks like T-Mobile. (Ew.) Probably gets better reception than my iPhone though. (Damn you AT&T.)

Barring the Pokemon figurine and hideous video-game cubby, you could almost make a case for tolerable. But no.

Hightop sneaks with built-in CD player would be a hit. If it weren’t 2011. Where’s the mp3 player, playa?

These Nike hightops made entirely from computer parts get my internal processor buzzing. But I’m afraid the comfort level is a system fail.

Sister to the hightops above – electronics-made heel accompanied by cute bow tie. I’d pay $5 to smash them to pieces with a hammer.

You must look closely to see what’s really going on here. That’s a dual speaker with built-in bass; comes equipped with volume control, power adapter, and a whole lot of “punch me in the face because I’m a loser.”

Lucky for those weaker beings whom I have witnessed do the switch way too close to the location of a show, photographs of these occurrences are rare. So rare, in fact, that I have hardly found any. Perhaps this is a bigger secret than I thought… Be warned though, if I spot you changing out of your heels in plain sight of a fashion venue, I’m blasting your picture on the internet. Keep your shoe swapping antics hush hush, don’t make me spill your dirty little secret.

Photo by Sion Fullana

After thousands of seething Tweet backlashes, Kenneth Cole removed his offensive post. He also offered the following apology on his Facebook page:

“I apologize to everyone who was offended by my insensitive tweet about the situation in Egypt. I’ve dedicated my life to raising awareness about serious social issues, and in hindsight my attempt at humor regarding a nation liberating themselves against oppression was poorly timed and absolutely inappropriate.”

Facebook apology, eh? Classy.

Not.

Of course, this seems tame in comparison to his show last season:

Photo: Huffington Post

In case you need a little help deciphering what’s going on here – that’s a bearded lady and those are her weird alien boobs.

Link Love: bellasugar

Photo: Huffington Post

LINK LOVE: Racked

The Kollection (the K means its kouture) will be produced under Australian designer Bruno Schiavi‘s (pictured) Jupi Corp and will feature “about 40 apparel pieces, 20 lingerie styles, 60 jewelry items, 30 handbags and wallets, 25 hats and gloves and 12 shoe choices that reflect the divergent fashion tastes of Kim, Kourtney and Khloe, which Schiavi described as leaning toward glamorous, bohemian and rocker, respectively.”

Schiavi forgot to mention their other aesthetics, “desperate” and “attention-seeking.”

Kim, who does not look like she was rolling her eyes during the entire process at all,  thinks the Sears partnership will “cater to our fans and to make sure that everyone can have access to the Kardashian Kollection.” God forbid someone should be denied the opportunity to buy a Kim Kardashian handbag.

Khloe then”accidentally” slapped Kim, grabbed the microphone and said that “Sears will allow us to reach multigenerations of fans and people who are interested in fabulous clothing at affordable prices.” She then added “And whatever Sears sells.”

Kourtney, not to be forgotten (too late) also said some stuff, mostly about loving Sears and there being a Sears right next door to them.

Sears, for their part, are shamelessly plugging this collaboration in hopes of “bringing in a new contemporary customer,” as John Goodman, not the guy from Roseanne but Executive Vice President of Apparel and Home for Sears Holdings, puts it.

Well I don’t know about you Indies, but I’m “excited” about this “collection” from these “celebrity” siblings.

Meanwhile, I think I just pulled a sarcasm muscle…

Link Love: WWD

Welcome to 2011, friends — where fame unlocks the door to any stupid venture you want to try. Snooki has inked a deal with SRG Ventures for licensing of apparel, handbags and tons of weird stuff Guidos wear.

You gotta hand it to the 4-foot-9 inch reality star. Though small in stature, she is large in Guido dreams.

Ps. I’ve always thought “Snooki” sounds like a type of deepwater fish.

Link Love: NY Post

Roger, dahling, you’re absolutely wretched!

Imagine, this fox body bag is not available for purchase in all the World Wide Web. You’ve got to go direct to the source for this one. $5,200 at Roger Vivier, New York 212.861.5371

Oprah squeezing into some Chinese slippers the only way she ever could

According to ABC‘s Nightline:

“Podiatrist Ali Sadrieh in Beverly Hills, Calif., performs the toe shortening procedure, which involves actually dislocating the toe and sawing out a 2-millimeter chunk of bone. He then inserts a titanium rod to bring the shortened bone back together.”

That doesn’t sound so bad, right?

Right?

And think of all the pain medication and the Louboutins you’ll get. But if that sounds a little extreme, you can always opt for the good old foot plump, wherein fat is liposuctioned out of your gut and injected into the sole of your foot to make walking in heels comfortable.  It’s a win-win!

Still, a third option involves sucking the baby fat out of your baby toe, thus slimming it down, which I’m seriously considering. I haven’t worn a shoe pain-free in years and it’s all because of this goddamned pinky toe.

Though these procedures could lead to “permanent nerve damage, infection, scarring, a recurrence of the deformity that was supposedly fixed and chronic pain when wearing not just high heels, but all shoes” etc, etc, blah-dee-fucking-blah.

I say it’s worth it. My motto has always been, “In fashion, if it don’t fit, you gotsta snip.” Sure I may have accidentally sent a friend or two the emergency room, but they thanked me. Or at least they will once they’re discharged.

LINK LOVE: ABC News

LINK LOVE: Jezebel

LINK LOVE: Fashionista

I guess it’s cheaper than a butt implant, though a lot more embarrassing if you have to disrobe in front of anyone.  On the other cheek, I wonder if they have one  in black…

And for kicks, here’s Chris in what passes for underwear:

And those buns are 100% real.

After injecting 18 rabbits with a little Bo-Bo, Canadian scientists observed that not only did limbs injected suffer “muscle wastage of up to 50 percent,” but limbs not injected also experienced muscle loss.

On the bright side, those rabbits looked stunning in their backless Versaces.

This study suggests that pricking your forehead with a needle full of Botox could cause “muscle weakness or muscles turning into fat in other parts of [the] body.” Looks like it’s decision time, ladies. Do you want to  look fat or old?

But maybe you won’t have to choose as long as you keep up monthly lipo appointments. Yes, that’s it. Fuck you, Father Time! You’ll never win!

Not if any actress over 40 has anything to say about it.

LINK LOVE: NY Mag, Daily Mail

But you’ll feel sexier than ever when you don this swine head brassiere.

My favorite thing about this fashion disaster: this chick KNOWS she’s sexy.

I’m off. To make a ham sandwich. With bacon on top. And a side of roast suckling pig.

Never sacrifice style for Orc. [L.O.T.R. nerd alert.]

Good god those are some gnarly feet.

And who do we have to thank for this but Kathy Najimy, who’s already given us SO much. Sister Act.  Hocus Pocus. Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit. When will the giving end, Kathy? Hopefully never.

Ch’Arms comes in these four sassy colors, btu act fast, the last time I checked, there were only 7 left in white.

Meaning they probably made 8 in total.

Sidebar: Doesn’t the blonde model look a bit like Claire Danes? I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised. It’s a slippery slope after Latisse.

Photo: Styleite

LINK LOVE: HSN

Katsia Zinga by Richard Bernardin for Grazia on LOOKBOOKS

The evasion of national income tax charge carries a prison sentence of up to three years or a fine up to 1 million euros.

“A judge will soon evaluate evidence from Milan-based prosecutor Laura Pedio; he will have the option of dismissing the case if the evidence is not deemed sufficient. If the case does proceed, Dolce and Gabbana’s lawyers may favor negotiation (to allow the designers’ criminal record to remain clear) and settlement rather a pesky, pricey trial.”

Um, way to stay classy D&G.

So far, Paris has been a good girl.

But honestly, who shows up for a service project in Louboutins?

I realize Paris will be Paris, but come on… 4-inch heels are not suitable for rocky terrain.

As the Shaolin monk who sits atop Mount Paddywhack once told me, “dress for the occasion.”

LOS ANGELES, CA - NOVEMBER 19: Paris Hilton performs community service with Hollywood Beautification Team on November 19, 2010 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images) *** Local Caption *** Paris Hilton

Molestache connoiseur and self-proclaimed perv, Dov Charney

From: Ryan Narita
Sent: Wed 11/10/2010 9:59 AM
To: [A half dozen entire AA stores]
Subject: peace out american apparel… peace out forever.

Dear fellow american apparel employees,

First off I’d like to say working for this company for the most part was pretty fun! I’ve made some excellent friends and met some really cool people. Working for american apparel has opened up many interesting opportunities for me and I am thankful for that. I am also thankful for all my past managers district, store, and backstock(al boyle) I was lucky enough to have kind , thoughtful, intelligent people leading the way.

That said I’d like to share a little of my story.

A little over a year ago when I started with this company I was (although not by my standards) a prime candidate for management. Within my first week I memorized all proper procedures, knew all placements, style codes and any technical aspect of the job. I was even helping my backstock manager with his duties. Being naturally a hard worker, well organized, and to some extent obsessive compulsive helped me to excel easily at my job. As months passed and my responsibilities grew exponentially I received little reward for both my hard work and aptitude. I could already feel the stupidity of 9 dollars an hour. But I sucked up my pride to work with cool friendly people. I’ll try to condense this a little..

Around 2 months in: I was given the title ‘assistant backstock manager’ and promised a small but reasonable raise. No such raise came.
Around 5 months in: my backstock manager was fired. And instead of promoting me(second in command) to manager they brought in someone who 1. Had worked two months less than me. 2. Knew less about the job. 3. Knew nothing about our store.
Around 7 months in: my backstock manager was once again fired. And once again replaced by someone with less knowledge, and less experience. However, this time my new backstock manager was completely incompetent and entirely unproductive. Although he was good at playing the drums. wwabd.
Around 8 months in: to everyone’s surprise he too was fired(sarcasm)

I thought finally they will make the obvious choice and make me the new backstock manager and I will finally get paid more than 9 dollars an hour for this stupid job.

Around 8.5 months in: I am once again stepped over and another outside person is brought in to be promoted..
By this point I had been screwed too many times to care about my job. I simply concluded that by nature this company is counter productive. Someone might ask why I would be so resentful? If you worked full time for a company for a full year at 9 dollars an hour I could only assume you must be mentally retarded. I however was given a raise of 75 cents so that only makes me partially mentally retarded.

The moral of my story is don’t give a shit about the company because they definitely do not give a shit about you! That is obvious.

I’d also like to share a couple more secrets I’ve learned over the past year:

- don’t be afraid to lose your job. if some shit for brains ass hole like dov or dan sends a quiver down your spine then I truly pity you. they are just men. Stupid spoiled jewish men. Losing 9 dollars an hour is nothing to be afraid of. Certainly nothing worth losing your dignity over. Which brings me to my next point.

- all “head office” employees(with the exception of dom. He is competent) are nothing to fear. These are people with no ambitions nor goals in life. they are content with being the subservient pet of an idiot cocaine addict and blatant self proclaimed pervert. They know they will go no further in life than this company and concurrently don’t mind sucking a little dick once in a while .

- [Other person] is incompetent. [Other person] is useless. [Other person] is a moron. [Other person] is satan incarnate. Ignore her whenever you get the chance.

- Dov charney is an ethical pervert. THAT is why you do perfect fill..

- If you are a hard working valuable employee ask for a raise now.(if you do not receive a raise within three weeks guess what? You’ll never get one.)

- You may ask whatever you want to pretty much anyone in charge, you will receive little to no response you WILL be ignored.

- the company may ask whatever they want of you then place the word “mandatory” after it, If you do not comply you WILL be fired.

- this is just a job you do so you can get drunk on the weekend and have food to eat during the week . it’s not a career do not disillusion yourself in thinking otherwise.

sincerely Ryan Narita
ASSISTANT BACKSTOCK MANAGER

Is anyone else slightly put off by the “stupid spoiled jewish men” comment? Or at all surprised that working for American Apparel completely sucks?

LINK LOVE: Gawker

American Apparel "I think it's a First Amendment right to pursue one's affection for another human being." ÑBusinessWeek, June 27, 2007 Charney combined labor-friendly, made-in-the-U.S. business practices with sexually charged marketing to make American Apparel a hip clothing brand. The problem? He may have taken the company's sexy image a little too much to heart. ¥ He's been accused of sexual harassment by four former employees in three different lawsuits. One suit has been settled, one dismissed, and one is still pending, a company spokesperson said. ¥ In a 2004 article article in Jane magazine, Charney admitted to having consensual sex with co-workers.

Molestache connosieur and self-proclaimed perv, Dov Charney

A "digital illustration" of the Sky Heel in "gold"

LINK LOVE: Daily Mail

I say keep the lace bodysuit as a top and throw on a casual harem pant. A drop crotch is every wide-hipped girls friend. And a heel can only help at this point.

Or if you’re feeling kooky, throw on a thigh high boot and go for an exaggerated superhero effect.When you throw on a lace bodysuit, you either go big or you go home. Go home and change into a regular camisole.

Even the bitch wearing a tablecloth behind you knows that this is a bad look.

LINK LOVE: Daily Mail

Not that Anne Hathaway isn’t totally working this now infamous gold Balmain number on Elle UK’s December cover. But, I mean…she’s got a wee bit of competition already…

Execs at Balmain are definitely rubbing their hands with glee–they’re pretty keen on this overexposure. As a label spokeswoman told the Daily Mail, “None of the magazines asked for cover exclusivity. The first cover came out in June so other magazines had seen it. No one has complained so there is no drama at all.”

Okay, no one complained. But if I worked at Elle UK and shelled out exorbitant prices (Balmain don’t come cheap) for a dress after six girls got their hands on it, I’d sure feel like an idiot right now.

In a revelatory, totally eye-opening profile from the New York Times, Olivier details a life of globetrottin’, schmoozin’ with downtown hipsters, why the hell Purple costs $35, and how he will sex you up. Because he loves women. With respect.

Basically, anyone who writes him off as a misogynist pig is just a sex-starved prude. Not to worry, Olivier has some advice to spice up your life!

Everyone is scared of having a free sexual life and what they do is go on the Internet and masturbate. This is the pure sexual misery today. They don’t even go to the movie theater like in the ’70s.

Masturbating in a movie theater. CAN YOU NOT? Have you learned nothing from Pee Wee Herman?

Macho, macho – fail.

Where to begin? Black fringe, silver studs and mini-lockets, oh my! CLEARLY, none of these elements belong on khaki-colored converse. That is – unless you’re 6-foot-ten, 250 and respond to “The Hammer.”

Formed back in 2002 on Popstars: The Rivals, because we needed another reality show about singing people, Girls Aloud have gone on to score 20 consecutive top ten hits and a Brit Award. Okay, so no one gives a damn about them in America. It’s our loss:

Fabulous. So now back to Nicola “Cat Fancy” Roberts, the adorable redhead in the above clips. Here she is head-to-toe:

Yes, that is a diamond encrusted cat ornament printed square over her crotch. And yes, it appears that she brought her new sheer curtains along for the ride. Nic wore this BodyAmr ensemble to win the “Ultimate Fashionista” award at Cosmo’s Ultimate Women Of The Year Awards 2010, and while there’s plenty of ammo for “pussy” jokes, I simply don’t care.

She may not get as many tabloid inches as bandmate/Vogue cover girl/former WAG/X-Factor judge/People’s Princess Cheryl Cole, but she deserves some love for taking a risk. And fabulous hair.

Link Love: GoFugYourself

arrives for the 'Cosmopolitan Ultimate Women Of The Year Awards 2010' at Banqueting House on November 2, 2010 in London, England.

LONDON, ENGLAND - NOVEMBER 02: (UK TABLOID NEWSPAPERS OUT) attends the Cosmopolitan Ultimate Women of the Year awards 2010 held at Banqueting House on November 2, 2010 in London, England. (Photo by Dave Hogan/Getty Images)

Louisianians have a problem. Large, evil-looking rodents called nutria have overrun their wetlands. Solution: fashion!

A handful of Brooklyn designers are teaming with bounty hunters from Louisiana to bring you NUTRIA-PALOOZA!, a fashion exhibition showcasing stylish pieces entirely of rodent fur. The event goes down November 21 at Bushwick’s House of Yes; tickets are $20.

While stocking your warm, winter wardrobe, why not consider the latest look to hit the runways – GIANT RAT.

If you think such a contraption sounds like it came from the old-timey days of prohibition, you’re not wrong: apparently, as seasoned high-end bartender Toby Maloney tells the New York Times, it’s a closely guarded secret barmen have been passing down for years. The rubberized straps attach the tails of your shirt to the tops of your socks, keeping your shirt neatly tucked in while hoisting up your socks as a bonus. Alas, they don’t come without problems:

They are fussy and annoying. They detach and leak out your pant leg at the most inopportune time. If ratcheted too tight, you feel like a dandy Pinocchio, slightly drunk and walking on the moon. Worst of all, they get you singled out in security lines at the airport. To this day there hasn’t been a T.S.A. employee who hasn’t raised an eyebrow when I explain about the shirt garters.

Yeah, I’d say we leave shirt garters to the professionals behind the bar. Seeing a potential boyfriend reveal prissy, kind of burlesque straps underneath his trousers is a definite mood killer. And imagine the snap.

Link Love: T Magazine

Anna Wintour, for fear of being trampled, used her bob as a shield and stole away under the aegis of André Leon Talley‘s greatcoat.