Stuff Fashion People Like
Stuff Fashion People Like #22 Karl Lagerfeld
Oh, Karl, you mad, cad man.
Karl Lagerfeld is the Godfather of fashion. Like a more fashionable Brando, Karl lights up a screen with a fervor that is ill adjusted, yet seemingly appropriate for his old age. Few designers hold such clout and deserved recognition in the fashion world as much as the white-haired-one, and his sense of style and understanding of youth culture is almost enough old fart credidation to make John McCain seem like a viable Presidential client. The posterboy for “I’ll Retire When I’m Good and Dead”, Karl’s long standing pact with the Devil (Wintour this time, though it is very possible that Karl will live to 100 for one he crafted with the actual prince of darkness) has ensured that he remains at the helm of two of the most powerful fashion brands in the world, Chanel and Fend.
Fashion people love Karl Lagerfeld. They have seen Lagerfeld Confidential. They have owned/lusted over/or rocked a bootleg Chanel bag in an attempt to connect to his genius. They have read and memorized The Karl Lagerfeld Diet. To all extents and purposes, Karl Lagerfeld is the fashionable father of every fashionista and gay boy who dreams of one day designing couture. He is grandpa fashion, and because of that there are a few rules you need to know when talking about him to other fashion people.
Rule Number 1. Karl Lagerfeld is not old. This is a hard one to swallow but one that must be obeyed for fear of retribution by the strictest of fashion devotees. Karl can be described as young at heart, in touch with the cultural generation, but mention his age (about 75 years old) and you might be castrated.
Rule Number 2. Karl Lagerfeld is a genius. He has never really done anything but design, but he is a genius. You should be ready to quote his accomplishments and favorite collections. If you don’t, fashion people will assume you are an idiot and ignore you until you lose 93 pounds on his diet.
Rule Number 3. Karl Lagerfeld understands youth. He runs two major fashion labels which appeal to rich kids. He’s friends with the Olsen Twins. And he’s in Grand Theft Auto 4. Let’s see your grandpa try to accomplish that shit.
Rule Number 4. Karl Lagerfeld wears his sunglasses at night. The theory behind this is that Karl died while trying to lose all that weight. He was replaced by a robot since Chanel and Fendi had invested shit loads of cash into his career. The glasses hide his dead, mechanical glare. The gloves, his exposed wires. Every fashion person is aware of this fact but fear that Lagerfeld Bot 2000 will sneak into their homes at night and strangle them with a Chanel handbag strap has kept anyone from exposing the truth. If you are ever in his presence it’s best to not make any direct eye contact. He can read your retinal pattern and identify you immediately. Once your in his database you’re marked for life so be careful.
Rule Number 5. Karl Lagerfeld wants to get into Hedi Slimane’s pants. It’s true.
(Knock at the door)
Daniel Saynt - “Who is it?”
Mechanical voice from the other side of the door - “It is your good friend Karl Lagerfeld. Would you like to hang out and play an invigorating game of Grand Theft Auto 4. Yo.”
(Loud beeps and bloops.)
Daniel Saynt - “No thanks man, I’m working. Maybe later.”
(Door busts open)
Lagerfeld Bot 2000 - “Does not compute. Does not compute. Kill. Kill. Kill”
Daniel Saynt - “No, please don’t. I’m just a lowly blogger. No. Agggg!!! I Fucking” *cough “hate” *choking “Chanel” Uggh!!
Popularity: 1% [?]
Stuff Fashion People Like #21 Gay Fashion Designers
Marc Jacobs
Thom Browne
Michael Kors
Alber Elbaz
Sir Norman Hartnell
Christian Dior
Rudi Gernreich
Sir Hardy Amies
Yves Saint Laurent
Valentino Garavani
Roy Halston Frowick
Calvin Klein
Gianni Versace
Giorgio Armani
Willi Smith
Jean-Paul Gaultier
Alexandre Herchcovitch
Domenico Dolce
Stefano Gabbana
Tom Ford
Alexander McQueen
Isaac Mizrahi
Cristobal Balenciaga
Leigh Bowery
Ossie Clark
Perry Ellis
Etre (Romain de Tirtoff)
John Galliano
Jean Paul Gaultier
Karl Lagerfeld
William Ivey Long
Hedi Slimane
Alexander Wang
Richie Rich
Travis Rains
All men. All idiots.
I just ate some garlic. You smell that.
Haha, silly woman, you wish I’d kiss you cause I’m so fucking sexy.
Female fashion people love them a gay designer.
Nearly every fashion-line out there has some inspiration or influence by a gay designer. In every major fashion house, there is at least one gay man pulling at the strings and creating works of fashion “art” which are unwearable, unbearably revealing and most of the time only flattering to .02% of the population. Why?
Cause gays are men. And men are idiots.
Not to get all on the side of feminism here, but why is it that so much of what you wear is influenced by a man? Men don’t know jack about woman and gay men are especially tuned out to your needs since nothing about your figure or body satisfies them physically. They’re looking for twigs and berries and all you offer is, well, you know what you have to offer. So who are gay men designing clothing for? If they were designing for women, don’t you think they would start with a sketch that’s more aligned with the way women really look, instead of designing clothes for stick figures? Last time I checked size two is not the normal woman. Gay designers don’t care about your weight issues, your insecurities, and your self destructive desire to fit their mold. Why else would so many gay male designers be opposed to the idea of enlisting a weight requirement on the runway? If they actually cared about women, wouldn’t they be the first to jump at the chance to properly represent them in their work? Why don’t they care?
Cause gays are men. And men are idiots.
Most of the clothing that makes up high-fashion are “outrageously-priced items worn by stick-thin, boobless models with boyish figures who have landed the job because their aesthetics appealed to some gay man somewhere who has no physical use for a woman other than as a walking hanger.” At least that’s the way Tracey Egan, editor of Jezebel.com, feels about the subject as quoted in her recent Vice magazine write up on why she hates fashion. So why do fashion people love gay designers?
Cause gays are men. And men are idiots.
Yeah, hold her down and make her drink pee.
Haha stupid girl, I bet you want me, but you can’t have me.
That’s right, women love gay designers cause they are men. And somewhere deep in the female conscienceness is a little programmed bug that tells us one thing, men rule the world. It’s because of this that more women haven’t stood up and demanded changes in fashion. It’s because of this that we have anorexic models paraded down the runway, emaciated with zero percent body fat, telling women that they are too fat if they are a size 6. And it’s because of this that nearly everything you’ll find in high fashion magazines like Vogue, Elle and Harpers Baazar is designed to make you feel like shit cause you aren’t a thin enough, sexy enough, or man enough to pull it off.
Cause gays think you’re fat. And women are idiots.
Popularity: 5% [?]
Stuff Fashion People Like #20 Calling Designers by Their First Names As If They’re Friends or Something
“Me and Marc go way back. We used to be in band camp together.”
“Karl stopped by the other day and was so pissed that i-D blasted his collection.”
“I told Vera, I’d love for her to design my wedding dress, but I’d really prefer it if Roberto did it.”
Claim Jeremy as a friend and Kanye and Cory Kennedy get included for free
As long as there have been fashion designers, there have been delusion nobodies that seem to think they know them. Fashion people will insist without injury that they are related, best friends, or somehow connected to the top tier of who’s who designers. Marc Jacobs becomes Marc, their favorite drinking buddy, Tom Ford becomes Uncle Tom, their babies Godfather and Georgio Armani becomes George, their midnight confidant.
The reason why? Cause after watching The Devil Wears Prada, one too many times, and hitting season after season of runway shows, fashion people become delusional, referring to designers they have never actually met as one name friendlies by which they “believe” they spend all their free time with. Of course, the only course of action to combat such behavior is to embark on it yourself. When a fashion person randomly mentions a designer in a personal manner, just look them straight an the eye and say “You know [[insert designers first name here]]. We go way back, I was his intern/lover/dealer back in the day. Do you have his number, I’d love to give him a call.”At this point the fashion person will take two possible courses of action.
99.9% of the time the person will begin to stutter and backtrack and admit that they don’t know the designer personally. Ignore these people at all costs as they are the plague of the fashion world.
Of course the other .1% of fashion people will get defensive and overly protective of the information you requested. If this is the case, you might actually be talking with someone who knows a famous designer. Befriend them quickly, cause you never know when the call may come in to head to an all night kegger at said designers party. Remember, no one parties harder than waif-like models on two hits of Columbia’s finest, no one.
Popularity: 1% [?]
Stuff Fashion People Like #19 Stating Their “Style Rules”
Every single celebrity nobody seems to have style rules, because as you know celebrities have style…ists, which means they have a reason to open their traps and act like they know what the fuck their talking about. Nicky Hilton is the most recent designer/celebrity/leech on society to share her style rules (of course, with a failing collection and her sister slipping deeper and deeper into obscurity you have to wonder how much longer the public will deal with the less interesting Hilton).
Nicky’s rules included gems like “Don’t buy up every “it bag.” They go out of style fast. Invest in a classic.” and “Wear color. It gets you noticed.“, which are completely useless unless you want to look like a poor imitation of Nicky Hilton, which is as bad as looking like Paris Hilton’s hairless clamshell (which seems to get more press and attention than Nicky herself). So without further ado indies, here are Daniel Saynt’s style rules. That’s right, I have my own.
1. The only stupid statement is one not made. Over think every single item you’re wearing cause if you can get dressed in like 10 minutes you’re not trying hard enough. The Satorialist is out their people and he will not take your pretty little picture if you look like an American Eagle ad. Dress until you bleed, then you might be worthy of being called stylish.
2. Stylish cities move. Los Angeles was the shit in the early 2000s, then Williamsburg took the crown, until London came along and kicked our asses. Next stop, Jamaica.
3. As soon as a celebrity wears it, it’s completely uncool, unless the celebrity is Chloe Sevigny, at which time you are looking at what will be cool in about five years. Seriously, it’s quite scary.
4. Gay men will always try and tell you what will make you look attractive. Don’t listen to them because they like dicks and last time I checked dicks are not attractive.
5. When all else fails, go naked. No one’s doing it and you will be heralded as a pioneer amongst the fashion elite as your stupid ass is escorted to prison.
6. If you’re stylish and you know it clap your hands. *clap*clap
7. Smoking adds “cool” to any outfit, so does cocaine and heroin needles so sprinkle sparingly.
8. Two words. Glitter Underwear.
9. If all else fails get pregnant. No one expects pregos to be stylish.
10. Rules are for idiots who hang on every word Tim Gunn/Stacey London/Robert Verdi/Carson Kressley/Nina Garcia/Rachel Zoe/Christine Schwab/Kate Spade/Tommy Hilfiger/Lloyd Boston/Brenda Kinsel/Clinton Kelly/Bradley Bayou/William Sledd spew. If you follow anyones style rules they should be your own. Truly stylish people break rules.
PS - Funny fact, non of the men listed in Rule 10 are straight. I’d call that a fashion epidemic. I’d like to volunteer my services as the first and only straight fashion guy in the universe, because this shit is bananas. Why do women insist on getting advice on how to look sexy from men who are “just not that into them”? Just saying.
Popularity: 1% [?]
Stuff Fashion People Like #18 Saying “It’s Vintage”
There is nothing more gratifying to a fashion person than saying something is “vintage”. It is by far the one thing that if they were allowed, would slip in and out of every single sentence they form. Dresses, shoes, seal skin knickers all things are game in the vintage game. Of course, it is a well held secret amongst fashion people that most of the shit they claim is from some era before H&M are actually from the house that Hennes & Mauritz built.
Shock. Awe. And more shock, right? It’s true non-fashion people, most fashion people are liars that would rather claim something is old as Jesus than admit that they picked it up from the bargain bin of H&M, Urban Outfitters, or worse Forever 21. The reason. While some might claim it’s due to the fact that in fashion years one season is more than enough time to claim something as “vintage” (it’s true we live in dog years), the truth is that fashion people are not allowed to claim that they shop at any fast retailers.
Ya see, a long, long time ago around the year that Tommy Hilfiger was reanimated by the Nazi’s to take over American fashion and Anna Wintour sacrificed Grace Mirabella to her father Bealzabub fewer brands were being marketed to the public in the pages of Vogue. Fewer ads meant less direction for the proposed fashion elite. Then came branding initiatives from Tommy, Cowboy Ralph and hundreds of other whores, which quickly created marketing opportunities to guide the hudled fashion masses. The marketing came in the form of logos, labels and other easily identifiable images that defined how much something was worth. Wear a good label and suddenly your worth a hell of a lot more.
Over the years this practiced defined which stores fashion people could shop at without looking like their poor unfashionable brethren. Over-priced fashion was king and all was good in the land of Wintour. Of course, then came the Vintage Craze and suddenly everyone wanted those shitty, labelless collections that fashion people had once shunned. A new wave of fashionistas we’re dropping serious dough on $10 J.C.Penny dresses from the 70’s and discounted Woolworth moo-moo’s from the 60’s. The shitty fashions of yesteryears we’re becoming the must have items of today. Which brings us back to H&M, Urban Outfitters and Forever 21. See, it’s okay for a fashion person to shop at those spots now, because even though they aren’t really vintage today, in a few years they will be, and to a fashion persons that’s good enough, which is why they will never claimed it’s discount chic, it’s vintage.
Popularity: 2% [?]
Stuff Fashion People Like #17 Runway Falls
If you’re ever in the company of non-fashion people (perish the thought) and the conversation careens towards speak of things non-fashion things, people discuss don’t be surprised if what they choose to talk about is NASCAR. But, before any discussion of the “sport” sends you veerying for dirty martini and a long puff remember that NASCAR is surprisingly similar to a runway show, we all just want to see a crash.
The catwalk has always been a spectator sport, but now what all fashion people are secretly wishing for isn’t the perfect print or use of exotic leathers, it’s a full-on, cringe-inducing, knock a tooth out tumble from one the anorexic clothes hangers on the runway. This desire is deep suited in the narcissistic psyche of the fashion person, who at all times wants to look better than everyone in the room, even when half the room is filled with models.
When talking to a fashion person it’s important to have a few great runway spills in your memory. Here’s a list of our Top Ten Model Falls to keep you slightly more relevant that Rachel Zoe at the helm of Holsten.
1. Jessica Stam at Chloé, Fall 2006. It was the fall felt round the world — and thanks to YouTube, it was seen around the world too. Stam’s right foot tripped her up; her body to collapsed forward; her forehead hit the runway. It made even your most embarrassing schoolyard fall look weak. But while you probably would’ve burst into tears, this trooper got right back up — to applause.
2. Milana Bogolepova at Dior, Resort 2008. Stiletto sandals and swimsuit cover-up proved too much for poor Bogolepova, who tottered so badly that she hit the ground not once, but twice. Official blame fell on her pin-thin heels, though there were vicious whispers backstage of just how much pre-show champers was consumed.
3. Elise Crombez at Proenza Schouler, Spring 2007. Again, dangerous shoes were to blame. Crombez’s sky-high heels made her pitch forward, like a runner at the start line. The audience gasped, the photographers cringed, but somehow, the girl escaped with knees unscathed.
4. Kamila W. at Vivienne Westwood, Spring 2007. Kamila’s trip was excruciating — and hilarious. Her first tumble brought her to her knees. Then, after getting back up and fluffing her hair, her ankles give — and this time, she nearly broke them. Sadly, her fame seems to end here.
5. Iekeliene Stange at Marc Jacobs, Spring 2007. Faced with a slick runway, Stange gave up on trying to maneuver the catwalk in slippery shoes. She kicked off her sandals — to much applause — and continued the walk barefoot. Now that’s how to handle a fall.
6. Carmen Electra at Max Factor Fashion Show. Few falls bring as much joy as watching former Baywatch babe, Carmen Electra take a dive at a Max Factor Fashion Show. Rumors say that this fall created such a frenzy, that Carmen now refuses to allow photographers to take snaps of her runway adventures, as noted at a future performance at 2(x)ist Spring 2008.
Want more. Of course you do, you’re becoming a fashion person…
Model Falling at Karl Lagerfeld
Tiiu Kuik Falling on the runway of Oscar de la Renta
Naomi Campbell Falls on her Ass at Vivienne Westwood
Popularity: 5% [?]
Stuff Fashion People Like #16 Ménage à trois
Menage a trios are the sexual position of choice amongst high fluting fashion types. There are a couple of reasons why this position reigns supreme; 1. the sex act has it’s origins in fashion city of choice, Paris, 2. some magical dust or other illegal substance usually helps endorse the action, and 3. at the end of the tryst you have the perfect opportunity to swipe the Manolo’s of anyone involved.
Don’t believe us? Read today’s Post article on Marc Jacobs recent adventure with Austin A (are their Austin’s B - Z waiting in the backdrop) and a Jason Preston look-a-like ( last time I checked all former escort, twinks look the same).
“MARC Jacobs is already bickering with his brand-new boy toy, Austin A. The rehabbed designer brought Austin to Los Angeles for the weekend, where they ended up squabbling most of the trip. It started Thursday at Foxtail lounge when Jacobs was seen kissing both Austin and another man. “Marc showed up at Foxtail with Austin and another guy who looked just like his ex, Jason Preston, with tattoos and a cut-off shirt,” said our spy. “Marc was dressed in a tank top and black sweat pants. He looked like a mess. He was kissing both of the guys, bouncing back and forth between them and acting loony. (most likely due to the happy dust)” The trio stayed at the West Hollywood lounge until closing, then headed back to the Chateau Marmont where Jacobs was staying.”
They then proceeded to bump uglies with Grandpa Jacobs.
Popularity: 3% [?]
Stuff Fashion People Like #15 Paris
A better Vogue, smoking is still in, and an unnerving atmosphere sprinkled with a superiority complex are just a few of the reasons that fashion people go gaga for the city of lights. Paris has long held itself above other international cities as a home away from home for true fashionistas. The streets are lined with flagships and the occasional museum dedicated to old school fashion institutions such as DIOR, Chanel, Hermes, Lanvin and Louis Vuitton, which offer luxury driven fashionophiles enough of a high to get them off powdered donuts for a few days.
In order to understand a fashion persons love for Paris, you must understand the Parisian mindset. This is a city where dressing like a bum is considered a faux pas, where graphic tees are only acceptable if they cost you 100 euros, and where sneakers are forbidden. Also, take into account that everyone is thin, even though a good portion of their diets consist of loaves of french bread. This coupled with the power of french designers like John Paul Gautier, Hedi Slimane, and Yves Saint-Laurent, and you’ve got a city that can easily overshadow any for title of capital of fashion (sorry New York, it’s true).
When discussing Paris with a fashion person it is smart to ignore any patriotical ideals. Freedom fries are for mid-west, fatties who actually indulge in greasy foods. Remember, that while historically we have bailed the beret wearing weak wrists a couple of times, to fashion people the French saved us from dreary couture and American style. It is important to remember this during Paris Fashion Week, which is kind of like an Independence Day for couture addicts and styleaholics. Comments like “I wish I lived in Paris” or “Napoleon is my homeboy” are all acceptable ways to share your love for the land of Lagerfeld.
When commenting on a fashion persons look, it’s always important to ask if any pieces came from Paris. This will make the fashion person feel special, since some piece most likely did. If they say yes, be sure to further praise the fashion person for shopping in Paris or supporting Parisian designers. They will most likely salute you for your prowess and offer to invite you to their next Paris Resistance meeting (the underground is real people, and one day we will rise).
P.S. Be aware of who you are talking to about Paris. To anyone who’s not a fashion person, references of Paris will by default make them think of the herpes infested socialite of Hilton decent. Comments like “I just spent a night in Paris” will illicit dirty thoughts and offers from Joe Francis to release a sex tape.
“Oh My God, this one is so cute. How much?”
Popularity: 1% [?]
Another Gay Black Runway Coach
Another gay black runway coach is throwing his hat into the ring. His name is MAC (yes, only one name like Madonna) and he’s the star of Ford TV’s recent two part series on walking the runway. We enjoy profiling these for you as they are a very real part of fashion. Just check out Stuff Fashion People Like #1 for more on this phenomenon.
Popularity: 2% [?]
Stuff Fashion People Like #14 Fashion Critics
Dear Z’maji,
My word, I am so offended at the way you talk about people. I mean post after post you attack as if you have the right to comment on peoples lives. Where do you get off?!?!
Sincerely, Douchey McDouchebag
You know you like it you whore! If you didn’t you wouldn’t keep reading while clutching your unmentionables thrilled at the promise of slaughter. You want blood! We’re the only thing standing between the sanity of the public and the complete buffoonery of the undeservedly famous, what with their bull puckie “fashion” lines and piss water fragrances (yeah, we’re talking to you Lauren Conrad). We know you wake up in the morning, adjust your Fruit Of The Looms and flick on your laptop to read Fashion Indie and see who we’re destroying that day as if we were peddlin’ free porn. Yeah, you like that don’t you Indie?
Now some of you - some of you are just askin’ for it, you sadomasochistic degenerates! You love when we rip you a new one for wearing that piece of trash yo’ mama knitted for over the holidays and guilted you into wearing in the presence of actual people. There you are in the society pages and fashion columns lookin’ a mess, but you had to know we’d see it! It’s cuz you wanted it you trick ass trollop, you like the abuse.
Pretending to try so hard as you comb through every fashion mag and blog, looking for the new thing, the latest trend, wearing things that you don’t even like cuz you think - that we think it’s HOT. Truth is, you’d take a jagged edge to your carotid artery if you couldn’t check out who was trashin’ your name and your unfortunate ensemble choice. Wardrobe malfunction, HA! More like a catastrophic Doomsday event!
You’re welcome.
-Z’maji, The Glam’Rist
Popularity: 1% [?]
Stuff Fashion People Like #13 The Color Black
Even though each year a new slew of colors are deemed “the new black” by trend forecasters, true fashion people know there is no replacement for the color, or better yet, lack of color. This is because black is the only shade that matches their shoes/handbags/and hearts.
Popularity: 3% [?]
Stuff Fashion People Like #12 Media Attention
Stuff Fashion People Like makes the front page of Glam.com
If you looked into the handbag of a fashion person their are three things you will undoubtingly find, a skin smoothing cover-up, a pack of cigarettes, and print-out of a recent press clipping featuring their photo, name or obscure reference to their circle of friends. Sad, yet true, fashion people are obsessed with media attention.
Getting attention from a major media outlet is better than finding a pair of shoes of sale or watching a runway model face plant on the runway. Fashion people are media whores who will give it up to the first journalist or photographer that promises to add their name or photo to a story. The equivalent of a free happy ending, attention from any newspaper, magazine, blog or random party photog is more than enough to give a fashion person a full-on, worth reaffirming orgasm (the clean kind, there’s no need to stain the chiffon). Since most fashion people are a tad bit self-absorbed media attention verifies their position on the food chain and gives them fodder for further stroking their own ego and making those around them take notice/feel like a worthless piece of shit.
The perfect openers for getting in with a fashion person include “Aren’t you that designer/model/high-paid escort that was in the New York Times last week?” or “I read all about you on FashionIndie.com. Congrats on curing camel toe.”. Even if the fashion person wasn’t in either they will nod in agreement and thank you for acknowledging their media worthyness. Another great trick is to walk around with a camera around your neck and make this statement, “I’m with Vogue”. I circle will instantly form around you as every fashion person in the room begins to pose and chuck business cards in your face for correct spellings of their names. This trick will work at parties, on line at the supermarket, and even if you’re taking a shit so be careful of how loudly you say it since you’ll be flocked by all within earshot.
If you are trying to become a fashion person it is important to have some friends in the media. Points are awarded for the type of coverage you receive so use this handy reference to guarantee that your efforts are not wasted. Remember, you haven’t graduated to the position of a true media worthy fashion person until you’ve accumulated at least 100 points.
30 Points - Vogue - If Winnie deems you worthy expect a full on flock of fashion hanger-ons who will befriend you for a possible future photo op. Choose your fashion friends carefully at this point. The last thing you want is a Pablo (Olea) hanging around you for every snapshot.
25 Points - The New York Times, New York Magazine - Two very powerful fashion tomesthat will deem your status amongst fashion elitist like Diane Von Furstenburger, Marc Jacobs, and Ralph “The Marlboro Man” Lauren. Just be aware that this is the type of stuff older fashion people read, so expect a flock of the geriatric crowd to know your name at benefits and the retirement home.
20 Cool Points - V Magazine, Purple, Fantastic Man, French Vogue - While most people don’t pick up these magazines the people who do will know your name, buy you drinks, invite you to their coke den, and offer you more sexual favors than a teenager at a Dov Charney pool party. (a.k.a. if any of the editors of these magazines are reading this my name is Daniel Saynt. I’m the president of Fashion Indie and I’d love to be a self gratifying media whore someday, so write about me.)
10 Points - Paper Magazine - They try so hard to be hip. It’s kind of cute.
5 Points - Gawker.com - It will most likely make you look like a total asshole who likes to kill babies on the weekends, but if their talking about you you’re most likely the shit.
1 Point - Cobra Snake, Last Nights Party, House of the Vain - Nightlife photographers love snapping pictures of pretty fashion people. Getting on these sites gives you some cred, but not enough unless you build up a big collection. Also, it doesn’t count if Merlin shot a photo of your tits. That’s actually negative points so be careful.
- 1 Point - Local news stations and papers - Don’t get profiled or snapped by the San Antonio Times or the CW 11 News. That’s just embarrassing and not becoming of a fashion person.
- 10 Points - Your Own Blog - Don’t be pathetic. Let the professionals blog. Stick to reading us daily, okay sweetie.
- 1000 Points - American Apparel Ad - We all know how you got the gig. Only swimsuit models and Kimora Lee Simmons are allowed to screw their way to the top.
Popularity: 2% [?]
Stuff Fashion People Like #11 Models
While the current stream of ano, stick thins that walk today’s runway barely hold a candle to the pasts chic walkers, there is no doubt that models are the most celebrated, discussed and ultimately loathed beings in the fashion world. Responsible solely for the task of walking and posing for photos, models have become the one staple in fashion that refuses to age, get fat, or have a bad hair day. It is for this reason that fashion people like them, they are a disposable commodity which allow them to promote the “facade” of fashion, the belief that with the right clothes, hair and make-up anyone can look like a underfed 16 year old.
While the model, by itself, is a powerful concept, it is the supermodel that really pulls at the heart strings of fashion people. Faster than a speeding snapshot, more powerful than a loco stylist, and able to leap long runways in a single bound, the supermodel owned the covers of every magazine and ad campaign for most of the 80’s and 90’s. Iman, Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, Cindy Crawford, and amazingly enough that living corpse Janice Dickenson were once so popular that they didn’t have to make ends meet on shitty reality shows. Granted not all supermodels have been shipped to the proverbial slaughter house that is Bravo or worse, VH1 Celebreality (the equivalent of a washed-up celebrity retirement home). Many have prolonged their careers by engaging in the following acts; a) getting arrested and being publicly humiliated when pictures of them engaging in community service surface (Naomi Campbell), b) getting caught riding the white horse and being publicly humiliated when pictures of their coked up adventures surface (Kate Moss), or c) getting an amazing plastic surgeon and skipping the whole publicly humiliated thing (Cindy Crawford).
Of course now, the supermodel has been replaced by the supercelebrity, a peculiar entity that has it’s own fanbase, can actually articulate a sentence, and doesn’t require a kilo of coke (most of the time) in order to show up to a photoshoot. While most fashion people accept the current climate of the supercelebrity, the majority pine for the days of yore, when the prettiest girls weren’t the ones so easily accessible for the price of a movie ticket. For this reason, the pencil-thin, vapid, clothing hanger known as the model still holds a place in the heart of fashion people.
When discussing models with fashion people it is always important to know a little history. Remember, Kate Moss wasn’t always losing jobs to younger, cheaper girls like Agyness Deyn and older fashion people like to recall those good old days (let’s call them “last year”) since they make them feel younger when they secretly stand in front of the mirror and pose in their Burberry trench coats (we all do it, let’s admit it). Throwing new names at them like Chanel Iman will make them nervous and they will most likely make statements like “The age of the supermodel is dead, long live the celebrity” or “I don’t pay attention to the new girls cause they all look the same”. This is a default answer for any older fashion person who is affraid to accept the fact that a slew of younger, thinner faces have already taken a hold of the fashion world, slowly building careers and followings that rival the ancient greats.
When speaking with younger fashion people, it is important to know about the new slew of nearly-super models. Gemma Ward and Lily Cole are great conversation starters, but if you really want to sound like you’ve got some fashion depth, mention girls that don’t make the runways of Zac Posen. Statements like “Agyness is great, but she doesn’t have as much cred as Audrey Kitching“ or “I wish American Vogue was brave enough to let Andre J on it’s cover” will make you seem well versed in modeldom, so sprinkle them in conversations as gently as models sprinkle pepper (won’t retain as much water as salt) on their low-fat celery sticks.
PS. It is not okay to watch, follow, or discuss the happenings or models on Tyra Bank’s “America’s Next Top Model” or Bravo’s “Make Me A Supermodel”. Everyone knows there is no such thing as a successful reality show model. It is an urban legend propagated by the Church Cult of Scientology.
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