The Bashed
The Trolsons Further Infect The World
Sooooo(gasp)………..hungry (wheeze)…………
Well, the malnourished have triumphed yet again. Mary Kate & Ashley have taken time out from not bathing and not eating and making high-fashion look like duds from Goodwill to bring us a new “high-end” line. Now I was expecting to totally and completely pan it in my polite and friendly manner, but it ain’t all that bad. I actually think it’s a good beginning for the girls sportswear line………….did I say that?! Must be a full moon.
‘Elizabeth’ refers to the signature blazer tailored more to a woman’s form and ‘James’ is the boyish tailored blazer with a boxy fit. E & J offers fun pencil skirts, fur jackets (PETA is gonna bust some heads for this one), sack dresses, cashmere sweaters……….
I really am shocked. I mean it’s not as if it’s the second coming of Valentino, but it’s not bad - not bad at all. Truth is, I know these girls aren’t really designing a thing in their collection but what can we really expect from them?! After all, your brain turns to poo when all you’ve eaten is lettuce and paper towels. I’m sending a box of fatnin’ donuts and a few double meat, double cheezes from Micky D’s 1st class for the utter salvation of The Trolsons………put it in ya mouf’.
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From Runway to Walkway
Everyone and their mother have been talking about this poor defenseless Marc Jacobs headband that MK Olsen sported to the “New Yorkers for Children Gala.” I personally don’t understand what the buzz is. First of all, she is well known for wearing looks right off the runway (especially since it is by one of her faves). Secondly, she is rocking an up and coming trend. She is usually the first to wear a trend, or starts her own…Now why do people have a problem with this. And even if it is a trend from the eighties, this isn’t the first Flashdance inspired accessory. Thirdly, my problem with the outfit is not the headband, it’s the Prada dress that she decided to wear (that is actually wearing her). I love Prada as much as the next person (I even named my dog Prada) but this dress is over-sized and very “Missoniesque.” As little as she is, the dress overpowers her and makes her almost tiny body invisible behind the miles of print. Sometimes, she tries a little too hard!
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Victoria Beckham’s Clothing Line Pulled
According to sources I will not disclose (yes we also have our sources) Posh’s Clothing Line has been pulled from Fred Segal and Kitson. The line is apparently being dropped due to poor sales and lack of promo work on Ms. Former Spice.
“We asked her PR people so many times for her to appear but she didn’t,” said Fraser Ross, owner of Kitson. “Celebrity lines are no different from an album or music tour. They have to be promoted to sell.”
What else does Post have to do but show up. It’s not like she has a real job and kids to take care of!?! Does anyone still even wear Rock and Republic Jeans?
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Multiple Choice: Adrien Grenier
Adrien Grenier at the premiere of “Standard Operating Procedure” looks like …
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The Girls Ain’t So Spicy No Mo’……
Caption: $10,000 to the 1st one to bring me a Spice Girl head to mount on my wall
As a long time fan of The Spice Girls, I must express my disappointment and violent revulsion about Mel B and ‘Osh-Kosh B’ Posh venturing into fashion. Stay in your lane baby, stay in your lane and actually I don’t even think singing IS your lane………..pitchy! It’s so sad to see my Spicy McChicken-lets subletting their cunts out to corporate big wigs for a peso just like these 15 minute fame whores and “designing” a line. You’re not the one really designing it, so how can you say it’s you line, isn’t that plagiarism……………isn’t that punishable by death or bitch slap or SOMETHIN’…….
Like I said before, I have no problem with chicks makin’ more money for their various extracurricular activities like meth, coke, and more meth but can you please go and screw with another industry?! Maybe off shore drilling or prostitution - I hear the latter is hiring anyway. You just have to be a multitasking hardworker with minimal gag reflex……
-Z’maji, The Glam’Rist
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Ten Things Wrong with Devendra Banhart
Seriously Nat, what is this thing. I know love is blind, but I’m not so here are the ten things wrong with your new man.
1. He looks like that fat bouncer dude from all the Misshapes party. You know, that door bitch that always smelled like b.o. and wore pants four times smaller than his waist line. Yeah, him only a lot thinner.
2. He stole your sunglasses…
3. And your handbag…
4. And your jeans…
5. Plus he’s wearing a peacoat. Only sailors or those railed in the ass by them wear peacoats.
6. He’s smelly (okay that might not be true, but he looks it)
7. Plus his career’s a joke. No one dates rockstars these days. It’s all about sports stars and internet start-up geniuses (aka Daniel Saynt, Rebecca doesn’t have to know ;-P )
8. Did I mention the bag…
9. He looks like a white Andre J. Actually he might be Andre J in drag. Man-drag.
10. Your parents hate him. I know they must.
P.S. I must hate. It’s against my nature not to.
Also before anyone starts developing cute nicknames for you two, here’s mine, BanMan as in ban this man out of your life… at least until your stylist comes and helps him
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Fashion F*cks: The Bright Parachute Jacket
This is not cool. This never was cool. Even in the 80’s when people were endorsing this look more than the hiv, it wasn’t cool. No it’s not ironic that you wear it, it’s idiotic. You look like some reject from the set of Dazed and Confused. You look like you walked into Liberace’s extra gay clubwear closet, and then stood there, in the closet, you homo.
I know you like to wear this jacket cause everyone wants to take your picture when you do. It’s not cause we all think you’re stylish. It’s cause we think you’re a douche and the truth is we’ve never seen one that’s 5′11 feet tall. It’s quite amazing. Like some miracle of science. Of course, the only woman who would need one that big is Rosey O’Donnell and even she wouldn’t let you near her fly trap wearing that jacket.
So please, stop blinding my eyes with your hipsterness. No one takes you seriously, we all make fun of you behind your back, and yes that was fecal matter that just hit your face. I like to throw poo.
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Brady Might Want to Keep This One Under Wraps
I normally don’t like writing about naked women, or posting their nude images on the site, but this is an exception. This nude Gisele photograph circa 1999 is selling for an estimated $40,000!!! The Brazilian bombshell was able to command top dollar beating Kristy Turlington who’s photo is going for only $4,000. That’s might seem like a lot, but it’s nothing compared to the price Brady will pay next season in the Patriots locker room. It hurts to be dating such hotness.
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Career Criminals Wear Couture!
Naomi got arrested AGAIN?!
So you really can go to jail for bein a BIA-BIA! I don’t know, maybe she likes the food in the slammer or she fancies those orange jumpsuits but she clearly hasn’t learned her lesson, I SAY GIVE HER THE CHAIR! The British model, one of the few true supermodels, was arrested at Heathrow Airport in London after hurling insults and spitting in the face of an officer. My God she’s attacked her assistant, she clobbered her maid in the skull with a cell phone and NOW she spits at a police officer?! Who does she think she is?!…………….a supermodel?………oh wait, that’s right.
Aside from all that, why is she so evil? I think this is the problem with celebrity cuz these people think they’re just a little lower than God. My thing is this, who the friggin-frack do you think you are to treat people llike trash?! You haven’t cured cancer, you haven’t ended world hunger, you haven’t created a solution for male patern baldness or violent menstral cramping. You’re a model and even tho we drool with perverse lust with every frame you pose for, you’re still just a model. I know you’re smelling your own tiddy ballz, but have a percaset and chill out. *cheers* Here’s to date rape in the womens detention center where Naomi’s being held! And No Naomi, it’s not cuz you’re BLACK……..it’s cuz you’re a grade “A” demon the likes of which God himself regrets creating….I can’t stand her!
-Z’maji of HauteBlogXOXO
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Britney’s Off Her Meds. Plans a Collection with Ed Hardy
“Yes, just sign on my SMET shirt and we will own your soul collaborate on an upcoming collection”
Britney Spears seems to have not spent enough time in the loony bin cause now the singer/wannabe actress thinks she can be a designer!!! Worse than that, rumors are speculating on truthiness worth STAR magazine that the pop fart will be collaborating with non other than seventh son of Satan designer Christian Audigier of Von Dutch, Ed Hardy, Smet, and Christian Audigier fame.
“I have known Britney for a long time — she is a good friend of mine,” Audigier tells Star. “We’re talking about working together, designing a line of clothing.”
Britney visited the designer in hell (Ed Hardy’s corporate offices in Culver City, California) on Thursday to meet with Audigier and while she was there she picked out some Ed Hardy duds she liked, which was pretty much the entire collection since trailer trash and the mentally disabled are the only ones who seem to love his shit.
“Britney came in to talk with Christian about working on a line together,” Ed Hardy’s Marissa McMillion tells Star. She then became filled with the spirit of Beelzebub, speaking in tongues, and wishing for an outfit that would make her look a thousand times worse than Anna Nichole Smith looks right now in her rotting grave. Fortunately, Christian had just the outfit in his Spring collection…
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Nylon Magazine Is Run By Satan…….Help Us Couture Jesus!
I stuck my finger in Chloe Sevigny and all I got was this hat and the clap
Suprise, suprise, another malnurished young lady is “taking fashion by storm”. Clemence Poesy, better known as that whiny teen witch that got her snooty, boney rump handed to her in “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire“, is on the cover of the waste of paper resources, Nylon magazine - with who? Chloe Sevignums’……OF FRIGGIN COURSE! and now their like BFF’s………….Calgon take me away! My question is this, what horrible, pornographic acts did we commit in life to be subjected to these rich little brats being forced on us like prison yard gang rape!!!
Sexy?!?!
Even tho’ Clemence has a lucrative deal with the French luxury line, Chloe, to be spokesman for their latest fragrance and a budding film career……something inside my spirit tells me I’m gonna want her dead reeeeeaaaaallll soon……well not dead, just incapacitated in a permanent way.
Chloe: I sure could use a drink and some blow right now!
Clemence: Yea, me too………..wait what………..what did you say?
Anja: WoW! I shoulda listened to Z’maji and told yawl hoes hell nawl!
I have no problem with people makin’ cash funds but will the real trend setters please stand up?! I’m tired of these kids with parents that run our economy plastering their talentless asses all over American culture. A note to The Gays: not every little bulemic girl you find lurking in the corner of a hooka bar is the next saviour of the fashion industry………just cuz she has blood shot eyes and she hasn’t combed her hair in a few days and has tracks on her arms doesn’t mean that she’s “FIERCE”………..put down the ‘poppers’ and pull yourself together!
-Z’maji of HauteBlogXOXO
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April Fool’s SUX Horse Ballz!!!
DISCLAIMER: This post has nothing to do with fashion, so take a sedative, enjoy my sense of humor and calm down!
I am a glamorous, sophisticated and educated man, with an impeccable sense of style. I am not easily fooled by silly, immature April Fool’s pranks, really I’m not. In light of this information, how surprised was I when my good friend Slaus of a personal FAAAVORITE blog of mine - http://ohellnawl.wordpress.com (a blog about the random foolishness of our world in all it’s many facets that I would turn random tricks for) announced he had sold the site to a big corporation, THEN he announced a few days after, that he was leaving the blog due to creative differences between him and his new corporate backing.
WELL I WAS MORE PISSED AND HEART BROKEN THAN A NEW BRIDE THAT’S KEPT HER VIRGINITY TILL HER WEDDING NIGHT & FINDS OUT SHE MARRIED A MAN THAT LAST ABOUT AS LONG AS IT TAKES TO COOK MINUTE RICE…………NOW THAT’S PISSED!
Well it was all an April Fool’s prank and I know some of you are like, “Boo Hoo, who cares…….shut up your whinin’ and talk trash about Chloe Sevigny,” at which I would like to tell you to set yourself on fire and die! C’mon, have a heart, this incident is like our beloved Daniel Saynt selling Fashion Indie to Target or Wal-Mart and telling us, ‘nothing is gonna change’ and then a day later saying he’s leaving becuz his new bosses want to showcase gouchos and polyester. You know you’d be ready to riot like you were from Compton and the cops beat Rodney King again or as if President Bush ordained Perez Hilton as the U.S. fashion ambassador…….you’d crap your pricey panties!
It was all a hoax and all the more reason for April Fool’s to be destroyed for the face of the earth. I HATE that holiday! I hate it more than seeing Cory Kennedy’s vulgar, attention hungry camel toe. They got me and GOOOOD, but for future reference, it is soooooo unfashionable to play dirty tricks on Z’maji. STOP IT!!!
-Z’maji of HauteBlogXOXO
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Croc Recycling Plant
It’s so strange how midwestern dorm fashion could trickle into our city..and we have to do something to stop its…trickling. So Juice City has built the FIRST Croc recycling factory!All you that have succumb to the Crock itch have a chance to redeem yourselves By following these simple steps…-Drop Off your Crocs at one of our designated “Croc Boxes”-One of our Anti-Croc street teamers (in the middle of the night) will bring them to our croc recycling factory-And commence Croc destruction….
Just drop and walk away…and do not turn back.If only this were true. I’d be a happy camper.
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