Stuff Fashion People Like
Stuff Fashion People Like #10 Super Giant Sized Issues of Vogue
The release dates of the spring and fall fashion editions of Vogue are like mini Christmases (or days 9 & 10 of Chanukah for Jewbie fashionistas) to every fashion person. These two issues contain more trend reports (ads), celebrity interviews (movie ads) and ground-breaking editorials (ads with words) than any other magazine in Conde Nast’s arsenal of glossies. Two to three days following the release (also known as the dark days) the streets will be devoid of any fashion people, since all will be reading through page after page of poignant commentary on fashion (ads) from the world’s top editor/ad salesman, Anna Wintour.
The reason for the issues continued success is cause these special editions of Vogue normally contain an unsurmountable collection of editorial fashion spreads (ads). The fashion spreads (ads) are filled with the looks that fashion people must wear for the new season in order to keep up the the current trends. Anna Wintour’s devotion to fashion (the bottom line) ensures that each of these giant-sized issues remain timeless tomes to our current place in fashion (aka as disposable as an H&M dress).
In order to understand the true power of the giant-sized spring and fall issues of Vogue, you must be at the newstand the day it arrives and lug it’s 85lbs of printed goodness home with you. At home you must light the candles in your Anna Wintour shrine (if you haven’t built one yet, get on it before a fashion person arrives at your home and reports your heresy to the CFDA). Then lay in bed (be sure your bed can support the extra weight) and begin flipping through the pages taking special note of editorials (ads) and how they are laid out in the magazine. This will give you ample talking points when “the dark days” are over and all fashion people return to the streets wearing the new uniforms assigned by Vogue.
Statements like “I love how Wintour laid out that Gucci ad with their resort collection on the page before the Armani spread for their new perfume. How daring!!!”, will garner you respect and admiration amongst fashion people so be ready to have a few of these set for conversation. Remember, Vogue is the closest thing fashion people have to a bible, so it’s important to give it the respect it deserves by picking up each edition and spending all you money on the designer goods featured in it’s pages and pages of spreads (ads).
Popularity: 2% [?]
Stuff Fashion People Like #9 Trend Forecasting
Trend forecasters are the Sylvia Browns of the fashion world, which means they are over paid, chain smoking mythomaniacs who garner huge amounts of praise and acclaim for deriving psychic-like predictions from their asses. Editors & designers (the kings and mostly queens of the fashion world) will pay thousands of dollars for a sampling of what these soothsayers have to offer. “Cerelion is the new blue” or “Gaucho pants will be big for spring 2010″ are often seen as amazing feats of forecasting that are only privy to the ears of the highest bidders.
Once such information is collected by the royals, it is dispensed amongst the pheasant class fashionistas in the form of magazine articles and runway shows which encompass predicted color schemes and styles. These “trends” provide a uniform for fashion people who have no personal style and are unable to formulate their own original look. More importantly “trends” allow fashion people to criticize those who don’t follow them. Statements like “Wait, you seriously don’t own a pair of fuscia riding boots!?! Tragic.” and “I couldn’t live without my [insert seasonal must have here]. Oh, I’m sorry you didn’t pre-order one? How sad for you.” are common amongst the most trend obsessed fashion people.
When dealing with the trend dependent fashion person it’s always important to take note of their “stylish” look. Show that you are current on all seasonal trends by commenting on the colors and styles they are wearing. This will make the fashion person feel even more elite and will allow them to embrace your presence. If asked about your style, it is smart to say that it is based on a future trend or one from the runways of Europe or some obscure fashion week in Guam. Remember, anything you wear can be deemed a trend. The velour Juicy track suit you refuse to take off can be reinvented as “Hollywood reject chic from the runways of Berlin, Spring 2008″. The over-sized denim and striped shirt you’re addicted to can be “a recent look on the runways of Tibet called “Jersey Douchebag”. Upon hearing these descriptions the fashion person will instantaneously praise you for your trendsetting bravery and will even ask for the hotline number of your pay-per-minute trend psychic.
Popularity: 2% [?]
Stuff Fashion People Like #8 Marc Jacobs
When preparing to become a fashion person, a normal person will spend about 70% of their education obsessing about one designer, Marc Jacobs. A name synonymous with Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Ghandi, and Jesus, Marc Jabobs is worshiped by fashion people for his collections heralding of the new design frontier and for being the only American accepted by the French (Jacobs runs design at Parisian fashion house, Louis Vuitton, which makes handbags and other over-priced unnecessities.) His shows are frequented by a who’s who of celebrities and hanger-ons (yes, we’re talking about you Courtney Love), who will wait for hours upon hours for show to begin.
If you ever plan to become a fashion person, you must know Marc Jacobs. Granted most of his work is a bit overrated and, true, if you compared him to other big designers, his overall influence to the world of fashion is neligable (unless you consider making “grunge” expensive an accomplishment), but never, ever, under any circumstances say this to a fashion person. Such remarks are considered heresy and could result in a public flogging or worse, expulsion to the standing room section of a New York fashion show.
The best way to reference Jacobs is as gospel. Statements like “Marc F:07 reminded us of the importance of accessories. Praise Marc.” or “Marc S:05 gave new meaning to the mini. Praise Marc.” are acceptable ways to reference the designer while still maintaining your respect for his divinity.
Fashion people love to feel some connection to the designer, at times feeling like their prayers have been answered when a certain piece comes down his runway. You will often see fashion people jumping around and speaking in tongues (preferably French) during his shows, as if the spirit of Jacobs has magically entered them. Do not be afraid when this happens, just join them and hopefully the spirit will enter you as well.
It is always smart to assume a fashion person is wearing Marc Jacobs. When you approach one ask them if the skirt/jeans/strap-on they have on is from the designer. They will most likely say yes, even if the piece is actually from H&M or a Forever 21 knock-off.
Other things to keep in mind is Jacobs persistently over-the-top parties. Getting invited to such an event is cause for celebration, as you will most likely see the designer in some ridiculous get-up, a humble reminder to his followers that he is in fact human and has a wonderful sense-of-humor. Previous costumes have included dressing like a pigeon, a camel toe, and more recently a twink.
Popularity: 2% [?]
Stuff Fashion People Like #7 Cocaine
If you ever need to describe the world of fashion to a five year old child tell them it is a lot like Peter Pan, everyone wants to stay young forever, most of it’s run by a pirate (Galliano) and when you want to get high all it takes is a little pixie dust. Of course, to a fashion person the only dust they care to sprinkle on is the kind that comes from Colombia. As Ricky James would say, “Cocaine is a hell of a drug” but for fashion people it signifies a hell of a lifestyle. Models, designers and editors of teen magazines all bow to Lord Escobar, a deity that when prayed to properly will boost your career, get you in with the top socialites, and help you bag young celebrities for your cover shoots. The reasons for it’s popularity is quite simple, a) it isn’t cheap which means you must have money if you’re buying it, b) it’s white which means it goes with any outfit and c) it’s a great diet aide for those whose eroded esophaguses (or is it esophagi) won’t let them purge out another meal of celery sticks and Vitamin Water.
When encountering fashion people it’s always smart to carry a small amount (about half a kilo) of the powdery dust in your back pocket. When used in a pick up line you are almost guaranteed a “fun time” (also see a night with a vapid stick figure who won’t shut up or fall asleep). Suggested intros could include, “Hi, I have coke. Wanna come to my apartment?” With this line you are almost guaranteed the model / scenester / cast member of Gossip Girl of your choice. Other lines like “My brother and me just smuggled 36 kilos in our asses from Bolivia,” have also been known to work, but often result in a stampede of pencil thin women clawing at you, so proceed with caution. Remember cocaine is like the Axe body spray of the fashion world, one sniff and you’ll be attacked by more skeleton bags than you’ll know what to do with.
If a fashion person ever offers you coke, be sure to comment on how good it is. Comparing it to coke you have had with someone who’s in a higher status level will make the fashion person feel superior for finding a great dealer. Comments like “This stuff is just as great as the coke I snorted with Marc at his Fall 2006 after party,” will cement your status as a successful namedropper and bfff (best fashion friend forever).
Finishing with “He was so much more fun before he went all Winehouse on us,” will further help to drive home your “it” factor and may result in your new friend introducing you to his dealer, an act that’s equal to meeting a future mother-in-law in the eyes of a fashion person.
Popularity: 3% [?]
Stuff Fashion People Like #6 Shoes
If a fashion person had the choice between saving their child or saving their shoe collection nine times out of ten their Jimmy Choo’s would win. The love of fanatical shoewear is the most overpowering force in the fashion persons emotional range, which is then followed closely by love of handbags, love of jewelery, spite, self-loathing, and joy (for when a fashion person gets new shoes). Knowing this, don’t be surprised if the first place a fashion person looks at when meeting you are your feet. They will give you the once over, starting on your shoes, and then decide if you are worth talking to. If you are wearing UGGs, the meetings over, but if you have managed to wear a nice pair of pumps or stilettos you might hold their interest long enough so that they can tell you what else is wrong with your outfit.
Not only viewed as the most important accessory, shoes double as a status gauge for the most fashionable. The amount of shoes a fashion person has is often in direct correlation to their value in the community. You will often find fashion people comparing the size of their collection in a way similar to how men might compare penis size or bank accounts. “I have so many shoes I needed to move into a new apartment” is not a uncommon statement in the fashion world, or “I had to send my senile mother to the nursing home to make room for the third wing of my shoe closet.” If you encounter such fashion people be sure to mention that your own personal collection equal in value to the yearly gross revenue of Tanzania. This will not only increase your value in the fashion community, but will also make it seem like you have a good understanding of Africa, a trait that is praised amongst fashion people (see Gucci for Madonna for Malawi).
When a fashion person is not talking about shoes they are talking about getting shoes so be ready to offer some great spots where shoes are exclusive/inexpensive/made from some illegal or endangered skin like human. The fashion person will instantly call you their friend and will insist that all conversations stop until you find the shop you are speaking of. Be sure to pack a lunch, as a shoe shopping trip with a fashion person will most likely last 2-3 days.
Another important thing to never forget is the Holy Trinity of shoe designers. Worshiped more than Jesus Christ and Marc Jacobs combined, the Holy Trinity is Manolo Blahnik (The Father), Jimmy Choo (The Son), and Christian Louboutin (The Holy Spirit). If you cannot identify every pair of these shoes from every single collection, you will be jeered and scathed by fashion people. If you don’t own at least one pair from each designer, you will be expelled from the fashion community and will be seen as religiously devout as Britney Spears was to Kaballah.
Popularity: 1% [?]
Stuff Fashion People Like #5 Dogs as Accessories
Dogs have long been seen by fashion people as the ultimate accessory. Available in hundreds of shapes, sizes and colors man’s four-legged friend goes with nearly any outfit in a fashion persons wardrobe. Pomeranians make great tag alongs for the fashionista rocking fox fur, while greyhounds pair nicely with a Francisco Costa minimalist (and help even the most anorexic model look “plump”).
Every fashionista has or at least has the desire to own a dog. They will spend hours on end pampering and professing their love for these beast, even using them as a reason to justify their fur lust. When approached by PETA members and asked if they hate animals, a fashion person will simply answer “No, I love dogs”, and quickly turn around allowing their 3000 chinchilla skin coat to strike the face of the inquisitive activist.
If you encounter a fashion person be sure to mention your own personal admiration for dogs. It would be smart to have a few pictures available of dogs you love. Be sure that the pictures are of small or expensive rare breeds as this will add to your status and make you valued amongst the fashion crowd. An acceptable gift when entering a fashion persons home is any item from Juicy Couture’sdog line, which includes necessities like pawfum (perfume), pawlish (nail polish) and fur trim coats. The fashion person will not only be impressed but may even let you play with their fashionable pooch once he returns from his day of pampering from the dog spa.
Popularity: 1% [?]
Stuff Fashion People Like #4 Cigarettes
If you stripped down a fashion person, taking their Manolo’s and Prada bag, and locked them in a room naked with no access to the outside world, within ten minutes they will have managed to light and smoke a cigarette. This should come as no surprise to non-fashion people, as a pack of Virginia Slims are surgically embedded into the asses of every fashion person.
The love of cigarettes amongst the fashion community dates back to the days when Kate Moss was a mere teenager (approximately 350 years ago by most accounts). Her ability to make smoking seem “heroine chic” inspired nearly the entire fashion world to join her for a quick fag, one which has yet to be put out today.
When spending time with fashion people be sure to pick up a packet of smokes. Make sure that the brand you carry is obscure and a bit mysterious. Cigarettes from distant locals like Moracco or Belize work best, but if rare, over-priced cigs can’t be found be sure to opt for the most expensive brand available. No Newports or Parliments. These brands would only suggest that you do not belong, since only poor people and those with “real” smoking addictions smoke these brands.
The skinniest fashion people are usually those who smoke the most (smoking is a well known low calorie meal replacement), so look for them at the party or runway show you are attending. Most fashion people don’t care where they are when they smoke so you may be able to spot them by the trail of smoke excreting from their yellowed bear-traps. If none can be found inside, head outdoors where a cloud of smoke will greet you as you walk by your targeted fashion people. engage them in a deep conversation by asking for a light. Fashion people will feel a sense of accomplishment from lighting you cigarette, a feeling that will render them 50% annoyed and 50% like they’re the Mother Teressa of fashion. Be sure to stroke their ego and compliment them on the shoes/blouse/ass-less chaps they’re wearing and they may actually invite you inside to meet their friends, which is the equivalent of getting an invite to a house-party hosted by Marc Jacobs. Be thankful, walk inside and before meeting anyone, run back outside to smoke another cigarette. The attention alone will warrant you goodess status amongst the fickle crowd for a full 30 minutes.
Popularity: 2% [?]
Stuff Fashion People Like #2 People Who Wear Uggs
Introduced to the United States in the 70’s by an Australian surfer, Ugg’s (or Ugglies as most fashion people will call them) grew in popularity during the brief Bohemian trend of the early 2000’s when celebrities like the Olsen sisters and Sienna Miller began wearing the sheepskin shoes. Within a few hours fashion people began to embrace the odd looking hoof. Within two days they got over it.
The Uggs refused to go away though, which shocked many fashion people who didn’t seem to understand why the masses weren’t following in their dislike of the shoe. Of course, the shock quickly faded once fashion people realized that there was finally some sort of watermark that could now distinguish the fashionable from the un-fashionable. While most of America began falling in love with the Ugg scene for it’s comfort and “star-appeal”, fashionistas everywhere formed little cliques around their mutual dislike and began routinely trashing anyone who wore Ugglies.
Fashion people could once again show how much better they we’re than anyone else by not wearing the hideous shoes, which they never did (unless it was Halloween and they decided to dress like a “commoner”). Stilettos and other forms of foot torture still reigned in fashion, but Uggs did not.
Remember all this when speaking with fashion people. It is never, ever, under any circumstances, Ok to be in their presence if you are wearing Ugglies. They will look at your face, look at your sheepskin monstrosities, and then look at your face again and within seconds your value will diminish to that of a Forever 21 shopper.
If the subject of Ugglies is brought up, remember that a complete dislike and hatred of the shoe is the only acceptable response to any questions about them. To really drive the point home suggest to them that you would love to see a gestapo set up that will travel to the homes of Ugg wearers and steal their shoes/murder them. An open bonfire of thousands of Uggs/corpses would be attended by all fashion people.
If you do choose to keep a pair for days when you will not be around fashion people, be sure to keep them hiding in your attic. The day may one day come when the Fashion Police are knocking down the doors of you and your neighbors. It’s safer to Anne Frank those things then get caught up with the crowds. Remember, in fashion love and hate are two very interchangeable ideas. Fashion people love to hate so you never know when things might switch.
Popularity: 2% [?]
Stuff Fashion People Like (SFPL) #1 Gay Black Runway Coaches
When asked to name their favorite runway coach fashion people will always take note of and praise one person, Miss. J. And while the initial inclination is to assume that they are speaking of some statuesque former female model who’s perfection in the art of walking has been so trained to warrant a one letter name, in fact they are speaking of the Bronx born, cross-dressing African American divo from the hit show America’s Next Top Model, J. Alexander.
His grasp on the fashion world is impressive and his appearances are many so when dealing with a group of fashion people it’s always smart to mention a few places where you may have seen him, or better yet, were seen with him. The very tall Miss. J is usually spotted at charity events and runway shows. He’s a fixture at parties for Designers for Darfur and can usually be seen at shows for New York designers like Marc Jacobs and Zac Posen. No fashion person in their right mind would ever think you were invited to either of the designers show so consider charity as your best alternative. It will not only make you seem “cool” for working on a cause with Miss J, it will also show that you care about something, a quality that most fashion people like to think they possess.
Of course if all else fails you can always steer the conversation to a recent episode of Top Model and comment on how ridiculous Miss J’s hair/outfit/shoes/face looked.The love for runway coaches of a certain sex and color does not end with Miss J. There is a long list of gay black runway coaches who have helped thousands of models (and model wannabes) walk confidently down the catwalk. Be aware of this fact if you are ever invited to a fashion show.
Don’t be surprised when one of these diligent walkers of the fashion world push you aside to show a slouching model the proper step, step, t-stop, pose and turn routine she needs to show how “fierce” she is on the runway. Remember “fierce” is a fashionistas favorite word for describing a models walk. You must always praise the girls who look like their ready to pounce on any living thing at the end of the catwalk. Of course this may only be for reality show “models” since industry girls are rarely described as “fierce”. Starved, emaciated and pale are more common adjectives.
Cee Cee : The Miss J killer from the UK
You can always 1-up fashion people on your knowledge of black gay model walkers by mentioning ones they may not be aware off. Additional notable runway walkers include Cee Cee, a young and up-coming runway coach from the UK, and Douglas Sez, a designer/make-up artist/runway coach who’s made a name for himself by handling events for Wilhelmina models.
This tip just came in courtesy of France, apparently they also have a black gay runway coach, Vincent McDoom, who is also part of the French version of Top Model. How many of these guys are there?
Popularity: 3% [?]
Inspired by Stuff White People Like…
I’m Offended, Are You?
Stuff White People Like is a hilarious site about … stuff white people like! Everyone and their Caucasian mother is getting up in arms about the site cause a couple folks feel its “racist”. I’m not sure that’s the right word for it, cause nothing in the writing suggests any anger towards our fair skinned brothers, just common (often obscure) stereotypes written as if from the perspective of a documentary writer. Kind of like what Jacque Custo would say if he was observing them in the wild.
Regardless, it’s funny and needs to be made into a book, a movie, and a TV show. If Dave Chapelle can be praised for his commentary on black stereotypes, why not this dude, right?
Anyways, I have read through just about every post and I am down right addicted. Inspired by this genius and undoubtingly buzz worth site, I’m introducing “Stuff Fashion People Like” (yeah, I don’t like coming up with my own ideas, stealing is so much easier). The series of posts will cover different subjects in fashion, but at the end you’ll get some grit on the nasty little career world we call home. I can’t promise it will be as funny as the original, but it will be entertaining. Expect Anna Wintour, V Magazine, and Wearing Layers to hit the list soon.
If you have any feed back on “Stuff Fashion People Like” please add them as comments here.
Popularity: 1% [?]
Golden Oldies
Looking for all the classic indie goodness you’ve come to love.
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Popularity: 4% [?]