There is nothing more gratifying to a fashion person than saying something is “vintage”.  It is by far the one thing that if they were allowed, would slip in and out of every single sentence they form. Dresses, shoes, seal skin knickers all things are game in the vintage game. Of course, it is a well held secret amongst fashion people that most of the shit they claim is from some era before H&M are actually from the house that Hennes & Mauritz built.

Shock. Awe. And more shock, right?  It’s true non-fashion people, most fashion people are liars that would rather claim something is old as Jesus than admit that they picked it up from the bargain bin of H&M, Urban Outfitters, or worse Forever 21.  The reason. While some might claim it’s due to the fact that in fashion years one season is more than enough time to claim something as “vintage” (it’s true we live in dog years), the truth is that fashion people are not allowed to claim that they shop at any fast retailers.

Ya see, a long, long time ago around the year that Tommy Hilfiger was reanimated by the Nazi’s to take over American fashion and Anna Wintour sacrificed Grace Mirabella to her father Bealzabub fewer brands were being marketed to the public in the pages of Vogue.  Fewer ads meant less direction for the proposed fashion elite.  Then came branding initiatives from Tommy, Cowboy Ralph and hundreds of other whores, which quickly created marketing opportunities to guide the hudled fashion masses.  The marketing came in the form of logos, labels and other easily identifiable images that defined how much something was worth. Wear a good label and suddenly your worth  a hell of a lot more.

Over the years this practiced defined which stores fashion people could shop at without looking like their poor unfashionable brethren.  Over-priced fashion was king and all was good in the land of Wintour.  Of course, then came the Vintage Craze and suddenly everyone wanted those shitty, labelless collections that fashion people had once shunned. A new wave of fashionistas we’re dropping serious dough on $10 J.C.Penny dresses from the 70’s and discounted Woolworth moo-moo’s from the 60’s.  The shitty fashions of yesteryears we’re becoming the must have items of today.  Which  brings us back to H&M, Urban Outfitters and Forever 21.  See, it’s okay for a fashion person to shop at those spots now, because even though they aren’t really vintage today, in a few years they will be, and to a fashion persons that’s good enough, which is why they will never claimed it’s discount chic, it’s vintage.

READ MORE ABOUT: vintage

If you’re ever in the company of non-fashion people (perish the thought) and the conversation careens towards speak of things non-fashion things, people discuss don’t be surprised if what they choose to talk about is NASCAR. But, before any discussion of the “sport” sends you veerying for dirty martini and a long puff remember that NASCAR is surprisingly similar to a runway show, we all just want to see a crash.

The catwalk has always been a spectator sport, but now what all fashion people are secretly wishing for isn’t the perfect print or use of exotic leathers, it’s a full-on, cringe-inducing, knock a tooth out tumble from one the anorexic clothes hangers on the runway. This desire is deep suited in the narcissistic psyche of the fashion person, who at all times wants to look better than everyone in the room, even when half the room is filled with models.

When talking to a fashion person it’s important to have a few great runway spills in your memory. Here’s a list of our Top Ten Model Falls to keep you slightly more relevant that Rachel Zoe at the helm of Holsten.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdrvcLyB6-I[/youtube]

1. Jessica Stam at Chloé, Fall 2006. It was the fall felt round the world — and thanks to YouTube, it was seen around the world too. Stam’s right foot tripped her up; her body to collapsed forward; her forehead hit the runway. It made even your most embarrassing schoolyard fall look weak. But while you probably would’ve burst into tears, this trooper got right back up — to applause.

2. Milana Bogolepova at Dior, Resort 2008. Stiletto sandals and swimsuit cover-up proved too much for poor Bogolepova, who tottered so badly that she hit the ground not once, but twice. Official blame fell on her pin-thin heels, though there were vicious whispers backstage of just how much pre-show champers was consumed.

3. Elise Crombez at Proenza Schouler, Spring 2007. Again, dangerous shoes were to blame. Crombez’s sky-high heels made her pitch forward, like a runner at the start line. The audience gasped, the photographers cringed, but somehow, the girl escaped with knees unscathed.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-cqUj99zMI[/youtube]

4. Kamila W. at Vivienne Westwood, Spring 2007. Kamila’s trip was excruciating — and hilarious. Her first tumble brought her to her knees. Then, after getting back up and fluffing her hair, her ankles give — and this time, she nearly broke them. Sadly, her fame seems to end here.

5. Iekeliene Stange at Marc Jacobs, Spring 2007. Faced with a slick runway, Stange gave up on trying to maneuver the catwalk in slippery shoes. She kicked off her sandals — to much applause — and continued the walk barefoot. Now that’s how to handle a fall.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHzH5cJnFZ8[/youtube]

6. Carmen Electra at Max Factor Fashion Show. Few falls bring as much joy as watching former Baywatch babe, Carmen Electra take a dive at a Max Factor Fashion Show. Rumors say that this fall created such a frenzy, that Carmen now refuses to allow photographers to take snaps of her runway adventures, as noted at a future performance at 2(x)ist Spring 2008.

Want more. Of course you do, you’re becoming a fashion person…

Model Falling at Karl Lagerfeld

Tiiu Kuik Falling on the runway of Oscar de la Renta

Naomi Campbell Falls on her Ass at Vivienne Westwood

Model Trip Up at Zac Posen

Menage a trios are the sexual position of choice amongst high fluting fashion types.  There are a couple of reasons why this position reigns supreme; 1. the sex act has it’s origins in fashion city of choice, Paris, 2. some magical dust or other illegal substance usually helps endorse the action, and 3. at the end of the tryst you have the perfect opportunity to swipe the Manolo’s of anyone involved.

Don’t believe us?  Read today’s Post article on Marc Jacobs recent adventure with Austin A (are their Austin’s B – Z waiting in the backdrop) and a Jason Preston look-a-like ( last time I checked all former escort, twinks look the same).

“MARC Jacobs is already bickering with his brand-new boy toy, Austin A. The rehabbed designer brought Austin to Los Angeles for the weekend, where they ended up squabbling most of the trip. It started Thursday at Foxtail lounge when Jacobs was seen kissing both Austin and another man. “Marc showed up at Foxtail with Austin and another guy who looked just like his ex, Jason Preston, with tattoos and a cut-off shirt,” said our spy. “Marc was dressed in a tank top and black sweat pants. He looked like a mess. He was kissing both of the guys, bouncing back and forth between them and acting loony. (most likely due to the happy dust)” The trio stayed at the West Hollywood lounge until closing, then headed back to the Chateau Marmont where Jacobs was staying.”

They then proceeded to bump uglies with Grandpa Jacobs.

READ MORE ABOUT: Marc Jacobs

A better Vogue, smoking is still in, and an unnerving atmosphere sprinkled with a superiority complex are just a few of the reasons that fashion people go gaga for the city of lights. Paris has long held itself above other international cities as a home away from home for true fashionistas.  The streets are lined with flagships and the occasional museum dedicated to old school fashion institutions such as DIOR, Chanel, Hermes, Lanvin and Louis Vuitton, which offer luxury driven fashionophiles enough of a high to get them off powdered donuts for a few days.

In order to understand a fashion persons love for Paris, you must understand the Parisian mindset.  This is a city where dressing like a bum is considered a faux pas, where graphic tees are only acceptable if they cost you 100 euros, and where sneakers are forbidden.  Also, take into account that everyone is thin, even though a good portion of their diets consist of loaves of french bread.  This coupled with the power of french designers like John Paul Gautier, Hedi Slimane, and Yves Saint-Laurent, and you’ve got a city that can easily overshadow any for title of capital of fashion (sorry New York, it’s true).

When discussing Paris with a fashion person it is smart to ignore any patriotical ideals.  Freedom fries are for mid-west, fatties who actually indulge in greasy foods. Remember, that while historically we have bailed the beret wearing weak wrists a couple of times, to fashion people the French saved us from dreary couture and American style.  It is important to remember this during Paris Fashion Week, which is kind of like an Independence Day for couture addicts and styleaholics.  Comments like “I wish I lived in Paris” or “Napoleon is my homeboy” are all acceptable ways to share your love for the land of Lagerfeld.

When commenting on a fashion persons look, it’s always important to ask if any pieces came from Paris.  This will make the fashion person feel special, since some piece most likely did.  If they say yes, be sure to further praise the fashion person for shopping in Paris or supporting Parisian designers.  They will most likely salute you for your prowess and offer to invite you to their next Paris Resistance meeting (the underground is real people, and one day we will rise).

P.S. Be aware of who you are talking to about Paris.  To anyone who’s not a fashion person, references of Paris will by default make them think of the herpes infested socialite of Hilton decent.  Comments like “I just spent a night in Paris” will illicit dirty thoughts and offers from Joe Francis to release a sex tape.

“Oh My God, this one is so cute. How much?” 

READ MORE ABOUT: Paris

Another gay black runway coach is throwing his hat into the ring. His name is MAC (yes, only one name like Madonna) and he’s the star of Ford TV’s recent two part series on walking the runway.  We enjoy profiling these for you as they are a very real part of fashion.  Just check out Stuff Fashion People Like #1 for more on this phenomenon.

Dear Z’maji,

My word, I am so offended at the way you talk about people. I mean post after post you attack as if you have the right to comment on peoples lives. Where do you get off?!?!

Sincerely,

Douchey McDouchebag

You know you like it you whore! If you didn’t you wouldn’t keep reading while clutching your unmentionables thrilled at the promise of slaughter. You want blood! We’re the only thing standing between the sanity of the public and the complete buffoonery of the undeservedly famous, what with their bull puckie “fashion” lines and piss water fragrances (yeah, we’re talking to you Lauren Conrad). We know you wake up in the morning, adjust your Fruit Of The Looms and flick on your laptop to read Fashion Indie and see who we’re destroying that day as if we were peddlin’ free porn. Yeah, you like that don’t you Indie?

Now some of you – some of you are just askin’ for it, you sadomasochistic degenerates! You love when we rip you a new one for wearing that piece of trash yo’ mama knitted for over the holidays and guilted you into wearing in the presence of actual people. There you are in the society pages and fashion columns lookin’ a mess, but you had to know we’d see it! It’s cuz you wanted it you trick ass trollop, you like the abuse.

Pretending to try so hard as you comb through every fashion mag and blog, looking for the new thing, the latest trend, wearing things that you don’t even like cuz you think – that we think it’s HOT. Truth is, you’d take a jagged edge to your carotid artery if you couldn’t check out who was trashin’ your name and your unfortunate ensemble choice. Wardrobe malfunction, HA! More like a catastrophic Doomsday event!

You’re welcome.

-Z’maji, The Glam’Rist

Even though each year a new slew of colors are deemed “the new black” by trend forecasters, true fashion people know there is no replacement for the color, or better yet, lack of color. This is because black is the only shade that matches their shoes/handbags/and hearts.

Stuff Fashion People Like makes the front page of Glam.com

If you looked into the handbag of a fashion person their are three things you will undoubtingly find, a skin smoothing cover-up, a pack of cigarettes, and print-out of a recent press clipping featuring their photo, name or obscure reference to their circle of friends.  Sad, yet true, fashion people are obsessed with media attention.

Getting attention from a major media outlet is better than finding a pair of shoes of sale or watching a runway model face plant on the runway. Fashion people are media whores who will give it up to the first journalist or photographer that promises to add their name or photo to a story.  The equivalent of a free happy ending, attention from any newspaper, magazine, blog or random party photog is more than enough to give a fashion person a full-on, worth reaffirming orgasm (the clean kind, there’s no need to stain the chiffon).  Since most fashion people are a tad bit self-absorbed media attention verifies their position on the food chain and gives them fodder for further stroking their own ego and making those around them take notice/feel like a worthless piece of shit.

The perfect openers for getting in with a fashion person include “Aren’t you that designer/model/high-paid escort that was in the New York Times last week?” or “I read all about you on FashionIndie.com. Congrats on curing camel toe.”.  Even if the fashion person wasn’t in either they will nod in agreement and thank you for acknowledging their media worthyness.  Another great trick is to walk around with a camera around your neck and make this statement, “I’m with Vogue”.  I circle will instantly form around you as every fashion person in the room begins to pose and chuck business cards in your face for correct spellings of their names.  This trick will work at parties, on line at the supermarket, and even if you’re taking a shit so be careful of how loudly you say it since you’ll be flocked by all within earshot.

If you are trying to become a fashion person it is important to have some friends in the media.  Points are awarded for the type of coverage you receive so use this handy reference to guarantee that your efforts are not wasted.  Remember, you haven’t graduated to the position of a true media worthy fashion person until you’ve accumulated at least 100 points.

30 Points – Vogue – If Winnie deems you worthy expect a full on flock of fashion hanger-ons who will befriend you for a possible future photo op. Choose your fashion friends carefully at this point. The last thing you want is a Pablo (Olea) hanging around you for every snapshot.

25 Points  – The New York Times, New York Magazine – Two very powerful fashion tomesthat will deem your status amongst fashion elitist like Diane Von Furstenburger,  Marc Jacobs, and Ralph “The Marlboro Man” Lauren. Just be aware that this is the type of stuff older fashion people read, so expect a flock of the geriatric crowd to know your name at benefits and the retirement home.

20 Cool Points - V Magazine, Purple, Fantastic Man, French Vogue – While most people don’t pick up these magazines the people who do will know your name, buy you drinks, invite you to their coke den, and offer you more sexual favors than a teenager at a Dov Charney pool party.  (a.k.a. if any of the editors of these magazines are reading this my name is Daniel Saynt. I’m the president of Fashion Indie and I’d love to be a self gratifying media whore someday, so write about me.)

10 Points – Paper Magazine – They try so hard to be hip. It’s kind of cute.

5 Points – Gawker.com – It will most likely make you look like a total asshole who likes to kill babies on the weekends, but if their talking about you you’re most likely the shit.

1 Point – Cobra Snake, Last Nights Party, House of the Vain – Nightlife photographers love snapping pictures of pretty fashion people.  Getting on these sites gives you some cred, but not enough unless you build up a big collection. Also, it doesn’t count if Merlin shot a photo of your tits.  That’s actually negative points so be careful.

- 1 Point – Local news stations and papers – Don’t get profiled or snapped by the San Antonio Times or the CW 11 News. That’s just embarrassing and not becoming of a fashion person.

- 10 Points – Your Own Blog – Don’t be pathetic.  Let the professionals blog.  Stick to reading us daily, okay sweetie.

-  1000 Points – American Apparel Ad - We all know how you got the gig. Only swimsuit models and Kimora Lee Simmons are allowed to screw their way to the top.

While the current stream of ano, stick thins that walk today’s runway barely hold a candle to the pasts chic walkers, there is no doubt that models are the most celebrated, discussed and ultimately loathed beings in the fashion world.  Responsible solely for the task of walking and posing for photos, models have become the one staple in fashion that refuses to age, get fat, or have a bad hair day. It is for this reason that fashion people like them, they are a disposable commodity which allow them to promote the “facade” of fashion, the belief that with the right clothes, hair and make-up anyone can look like a underfed 16 year old.

While the model, by itself, is a powerful concept, it is the supermodel that really pulls at the heart strings of fashion people.  Faster than a speeding snapshot, more powerful than a loco stylist, and able to leap long runways in a single bound, the supermodel owned the covers of every magazine and ad campaign for most of the 80’s and 90’s.  Iman, Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, Cindy Crawford, and amazingly enough that living corpse Janice Dickenson were once so popular that they didn’t have to make ends meet on shitty reality shows.  Granted not all supermodels have been shipped to the proverbial slaughter house that is Bravo or worse, VH1 Celebreality (the equivalent of a washed-up celebrity retirement home). Many have prolonged their careers by engaging in the following acts; a) getting arrested and being publicly humiliated when pictures of them engaging in community service surface (Naomi Campbell), b) getting caught riding the white horse and being publicly humiliated when pictures of their coked up adventures surface (Kate Moss), or c) getting an amazing plastic surgeon and skipping the whole publicly humiliated thing (Cindy Crawford).

Of course now, the supermodel has been replaced by the supercelebrity, a peculiar entity that has it’s own fanbase, can actually articulate a sentence, and doesn’t require a kilo of coke (most of the time) in order to show up to a photoshoot. While most fashion people accept the current climate of the supercelebrity, the majority pine for the days of yore, when the prettiest girls weren’t the ones so easily accessible for the price of a movie ticket.  For this reason, the pencil-thin, vapid, clothing hanger known as the model still holds a place in the heart of fashion people.

When discussing models with fashion people it is always important to know a little history.  Remember, Kate Moss wasn’t always losing jobs to younger, cheaper girls like Agyness Deyn and older fashion people like to recall those good old days (let’s call them “last year”) since they make them feel younger when they secretly stand in front of the mirror and pose in their Burberry trench coats (we all do it, let’s admit it). Throwing new names at them like Chanel Iman will make them nervous and they will most likely make statements like “The age of the supermodel is dead, long live the celebrity” or “I don’t pay attention to the new girls cause they all look the same”.  This is a default answer for any older fashion person who is affraid to accept the fact that a slew of younger, thinner faces have already taken a hold of the fashion world, slowly building careers and followings that rival the ancient greats.

When speaking with younger fashion people, it is important to know about the new slew of nearly-super models.  Gemma Ward and Lily Cole are great conversation starters, but if you really want to sound like you’ve got some fashion depth, mention girls that don’t make the runways of Zac Posen. Statements like “Agyness is great, but she doesn’t have as much cred as Audrey Kitching“  or “I wish American Vogue was brave enough to let Andre J on it’s cover” will make you seem well versed in modeldom, so sprinkle them in conversations as gently as models sprinkle pepper (won’t retain as much water as salt) on their low-fat celery sticks.

PS. It is not okay to watch, follow, or discuss the happenings or models on Tyra Bank’s “America’s Next Top Model” or Bravo’s “Make Me A Supermodel”.  Everyone knows there is no such thing as a successful reality show model. It is an urban legend propagated by the Church Cult  of Scientology.

READ MORE ABOUT: fashion models

The release dates of the spring and fall fashion editions of Vogue are like mini Christmases (or days 9 & 10 of Chanukah for Jewbie fashionistas) to every fashion person.  These two issues contain more trend reports (ads), celebrity interviews (movie ads) and ground-breaking editorials (ads with words) than any other magazine in Conde Nast’s arsenal of glossies.  Two to three days following the release (also known as the dark days) the streets will be devoid of any fashion people, since all will be reading through page after page of poignant commentary on fashion (ads) from the world’s top editor/ad salesman, Anna Wintour.

The reason for the issues continued success is cause these special editions of Vogue normally contain an unsurmountable collection of editorial fashion spreads (ads).  The fashion spreads (ads) are filled with the looks that fashion people must wear for the new season in order to keep up the the current trends. Anna Wintour’s devotion to fashion (the bottom line) ensures that each of these giant-sized issues remain timeless tomes to our current place in fashion (aka as disposable as an H&M dress).

In order to understand the true power of the giant-sized spring and fall issues of Vogue, you must be at the newstand the day it arrives and lug it’s 85lbs of printed goodness home with you. At home you must light the candles in your Anna Wintour shrine (if you haven’t built one yet, get on it before a fashion person arrives at your home and reports your heresy to the CFDA).  Then lay in bed (be sure your bed can support the extra weight) and begin flipping through the pages taking special note of editorials (ads) and how they are laid out in the magazine.  This will give you ample talking points when “the dark days” are over and all fashion people return to the streets wearing the new uniforms assigned by Vogue.

Statements like “I love how Wintour laid out that Gucci ad with their resort collection on the page before the Armani spread for their new perfume. How daring!!!”, will garner you respect and admiration amongst fashion people so be ready to have a few of these set for conversation.  Remember, Vogue is the closest thing fashion people have to a bible, so it’s important to give it the respect it deserves by picking up each edition and spending all you money on the designer goods featured in it’s pages and pages of spreads (ads).

READ MORE ABOUT: Anna Wintour, vouge

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hRc4LkBRjIc&feature=related[/youtube]

Trend forecasters are the Sylvia Browns of the fashion world, which means they are over paid, chain smoking mythomaniacs who garner huge amounts of praise and acclaim for deriving psychic-like predictions from their asses. Editors & designers (the kings and mostly queens of the fashion world) will pay thousands of dollars for a sampling of what these soothsayers have to offer. “Cerelion is the new blue” or “Gaucho pants will be big for spring 2010″ are often seen as amazing feats of forecasting that are only privy to the ears of the highest bidders.

Once such information is collected by the royals, it is dispensed amongst the pheasant class fashionistas in the form of magazine articles and runway shows which encompass predicted color schemes and styles. These “trends” provide a uniform for fashion people who have no personal style and are unable to formulate their own original look. More importantly “trends” allow fashion people to criticize those who don’t follow them. Statements like “Wait, you seriously don’t own a pair of fuscia riding boots!?! Tragic.” and “I couldn’t live without my [insert seasonal must have here]. Oh, I’m sorry you didn’t pre-order one? How sad for you.” are common amongst the most trend obsessed fashion people.

When dealing with the trend dependent fashion person it’s always important to take note of their “stylish” look. Show that you are current on all seasonal trends by commenting on the colors and styles they are wearing. This will make the fashion person feel even more elite and will allow them to embrace your presence. If asked about your style, it is smart to say that it is based on a future trend or one from the runways of Europe or some obscure fashion week in Guam. Remember, anything you wear can be deemed a trend. The velour Juicy track suit you refuse to take off can be reinvented as “Hollywood reject chic from the runways of Berlin, Spring 2008″. The over-sized denim and striped shirt you’re addicted to can be “a recent look on the runways of Tibet called “Jersey Douchebag”. Upon hearing these descriptions the fashion person will instantaneously praise you for your trendsetting bravery and will even ask for the hotline number of your pay-per-minute trend psychic.

READ MORE ABOUT: trends

When preparing to become a fashion person, a normal person will spend about 70% of their education obsessing about one designer, Marc Jacobs. A name synonymous with Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Ghandi, and Jesus, Marc Jabobs is worshiped by fashion people for his collections heralding of the new design frontier and for being the only American accepted by the French (Jacobs runs design at Parisian fashion house, Louis Vuitton, which makes handbags and other over-priced unnecessities.) His shows are frequented by a who’s who of celebrities and hanger-ons (yes, we’re talking about you Courtney Love), who will wait for hours upon hours for show to begin.

If you ever plan to become a fashion person, you must know Marc Jacobs. Granted most of his work is a bit overrated and, true, if you compared him to other big designers, his overall influence to the world of fashion is neligable (unless you consider making “grunge” expensive an accomplishment), but never, ever, under any circumstances say this to a fashion person. Such remarks are considered heresy and could result in a public flogging or worse, expulsion to the standing room section of a New York fashion show.

The best way to reference Jacobs is as gospel. Statements like “Marc F:07 reminded us of the importance of accessories. Praise Marc.” or “Marc S:05 gave new meaning to the mini. Praise Marc.” are acceptable ways to reference the designer while still maintaining your respect for his divinity.

Fashion people love to feel some connection to the designer, at times feeling like their prayers have been answered when a certain piece comes down his runway.  You will often see fashion people jumping around and speaking in tongues (preferably French) during his shows, as if the spirit of Jacobs has magically entered them.  Do not be afraid when this happens, just join them and hopefully the spirit will enter you as well.

It is always smart to assume a fashion person is wearing Marc Jacobs. When you approach one ask them if the skirt/jeans/strap-on they have on is from the designer. They will most likely say yes, even if the piece is actually from H&M or a Forever 21 knock-off.

Other things to keep in mind is Jacobs persistently over-the-top parties. Getting invited to such an event is cause for celebration, as you will most likely see the designer in some ridiculous get-up, a humble reminder to his followers that he is in fact human and has a wonderful sense-of-humor.  Previous costumes have included dressing like a pigeon, a camel toe, and more recently a twink.

READ MORE ABOUT: courtney love, Louis Vuitton, Marc Jacobs

If you ever need to describe the world of fashion to a five year old child tell them it is a lot like Peter Pan, everyone wants to stay young forever, most of it’s run by a pirate (Galliano) and when you want to get high all it takes is a little pixie dust. Of course, to a fashion person the only dust they care to sprinkle on is the kind that comes from Colombia.  As Ricky James would say, “Cocaine is a hell of a drug” but for fashion people it signifies a hell of a lifestyle.  Models, designers and editors of teen magazines all bow to Lord Escobar, a deity that when prayed to properly will boost your career, get you in with the top socialites, and help you bag young celebrities for your cover shoots. The reasons for it’s popularity is quite simple, a) it isn’t cheap which means you must have money if you’re buying it, b) it’s white which means it goes with any outfit and c) it’s a great diet aide for those whose eroded esophaguses (or is it esophagi) won’t let them purge out another meal of celery sticks and Vitamin Water.

When encountering fashion people it’s always smart to carry a small amount (about half a kilo) of the powdery dust in your back pocket. When used in a pick up line you are almost guaranteed a “fun time” (also see a night with a vapid stick figure who won’t shut up or fall asleep). Suggested intros could include, “Hi, I have coke. Wanna come to my apartment?” With this line you are almost guaranteed the model / scenester / cast member of Gossip Girl of your choice.  Other lines like “My brother and me just smuggled 36 kilos in our asses from Bolivia,” have also been known to work, but often result in a stampede of pencil thin women clawing at you, so proceed with caution.  Remember cocaine is like the Axe body spray of the fashion world, one sniff and you’ll be attacked by more skeleton bags than you’ll know what to do with.

If a fashion person ever offers you coke, be sure to comment on how good it is. Comparing it to coke you have had with someone who’s in a higher status level will make the fashion person feel superior for finding a great dealer. Comments like “This stuff is just as great as the coke I snorted with Marc at his Fall 2006 after party,” will cement your status as a successful namedropper and bfff (best fashion friend forever).
Finishing with “He was so much more fun before he went all Winehouse on us,” will further help to drive home your “it” factor and may result in your new friend introducing you to his dealer, an act that’s equal to meeting a future mother-in-law in the eyes of a fashion person.

If a fashion person had the choice between saving their child or saving their shoe collection nine times out of ten their Jimmy Choo’s would win. The love of fanatical shoewear is the most overpowering force in the fashion persons emotional range, which is then followed closely by love of handbags, love of jewelery, spite, self-loathing, and joy (for when a fashion person gets new shoes). Knowing this, don’t be surprised if the first place a fashion person looks at when meeting you are your feet. They will give you the once over, starting on your shoes, and then decide if you are worth talking to. If you are wearing UGGs, the meetings over, but if you have managed to wear a nice pair of pumps or stilettos you might hold their interest long enough so that they can tell you what else is wrong with your outfit.

Not only viewed as the most important accessory, shoes double as a status gauge for the most fashionable. The amount of shoes a fashion person has is often in direct correlation to their value in the community. You will often find fashion people comparing the size of their collection in a way similar to how men might compare penis size or bank accounts. “I have so many shoes I needed to move into a new apartment” is not a uncommon statement in the fashion world, or “I had to send my senile mother to the nursing home to make room for the third wing of my shoe closet.” If you encounter such fashion people be sure to mention that your own personal collection equal in value to the yearly gross revenue of Tanzania. This will not only increase your value in the fashion community, but will also make it seem like you have a good understanding of Africa, a trait that is praised amongst fashion people (see Gucci for Madonna for Malawi).

When a fashion person is not talking about shoes they are talking about getting shoes so be ready to offer some great spots where shoes are exclusive/inexpensive/made from some illegal or endangered skin like human. The fashion person will instantly call you their friend and will insist that all conversations stop until you find the shop you are speaking of. Be sure to pack a lunch, as a shoe shopping trip with a fashion person will most likely last 2-3 days.

Another important thing to never forget is the Holy Trinity of shoe designers. Worshiped more than Jesus Christ and Marc Jacobs combined, the Holy Trinity is Manolo Blahnik (The Father), Jimmy Choo (The Son), and Christian Louboutin (The Holy Spirit). If you cannot identify every pair of these shoes from every single collection, you will be jeered and scathed by fashion people. If you don’t own at least one pair from each designer, you will be expelled from the fashion community and will be seen as religiously devout as Britney Spears was to Kaballah.

Dogs have long been seen by fashion people as the ultimate accessory. Available in hundreds of shapes, sizes and colors man’s four-legged friend goes with nearly any outfit in a fashion persons wardrobe. Pomeranians make great tag alongs for the fashionista rocking fox fur, while greyhounds pair nicely with a Francisco Costa minimalist (and help even the most anorexic model look “plump”).

Every fashionista has or at least has the desire to own a dog. They will spend hours on end pampering and professing their love for these beast, even using them as a reason to justify their fur lust. When approached by PETA members and asked if they hate animals, a fashion person will simply answer “No, I love dogs”, and quickly turn around allowing their 3000 chinchilla skin coat to strike the face of the inquisitive activist.

If you encounter a fashion person be sure to mention your own personal admiration for dogs. It would be smart to have a few pictures available of dogs you love. Be sure that the pictures are of small or expensive rare breeds as this will add to your status and make you valued amongst the fashion crowd. An acceptable gift when entering a fashion persons home is any item from Juicy Couture’sdog line, which includes necessities like pawfum (perfume), pawlish (nail polish) and fur trim coats. The fashion person will not only be impressed but may even let you play with their fashionable pooch once he returns from his day of pampering from the dog spa.

If you stripped down a fashion person, taking their Manolo’s and Prada bag, and locked them in a room naked with no access to the outside world, within ten minutes they will have managed to light and smoke a cigarette. This should come as no surprise to non-fashion people, as a pack of Virginia Slims are surgically embedded into the asses of every fashion person.

The love of cigarettes amongst the fashion community dates back to the days when Kate Moss was a mere teenager (approximately 350 years ago by most accounts). Her ability to make smoking seem “heroine chic” inspired nearly the entire fashion world to join her for a quick fag, one which has yet to be put out today.

When spending time with fashion people be sure to pick up a packet of smokes. Make sure that the brand you carry is obscure and a bit mysterious. Cigarettes from distant locals like Moracco or Belize work best, but if rare, over-priced cigs can’t be found be sure to opt for the most expensive brand available. No Newports or Parliments. These brands would only suggest that you do not belong, since only poor people and those with “real” smoking addictions smoke these brands.

The skinniest fashion people are usually those who smoke the most (smoking is a well known low calorie meal replacement), so look for them at the party or runway show you are attending. Most fashion people don’t care where they are when they smoke so you may be able to spot them by the trail of smoke excreting from their yellowed bear-traps. If none can be found inside, head outdoors where a cloud of smoke will greet you as you walk by your targeted fashion people. engage them in a deep conversation by asking for a light. Fashion people will feel a sense of accomplishment from lighting you cigarette, a feeling that will render them 50% annoyed and 50% like they’re the Mother Teressa of fashion. Be sure to stroke their ego and compliment them on the shoes/blouse/ass-less chaps they’re wearing and they may actually invite you inside to meet their friends, which is the equivalent of getting an invite to a house-party hosted by Marc Jacobs. Be thankful, walk inside and before meeting anyone, run back outside to smoke another cigarette. The attention alone will warrant you goodess status amongst the fickle crowd for a full 30 minutes.

Because she is “the Devil” and fashion people are sadist.

Introduced to the United States in the 70’s by an Australian surfer, Ugg’s (or Ugglies as most fashion people will call them) grew in popularity during the brief Bohemian trend of the early 2000’s when celebrities like the Olsen sisters and Sienna Miller began wearing the sheepskin shoes. Within a few hours fashion people began to embrace the odd looking hoof. Within two days they got over it.

The Uggs refused to go away though, which shocked many fashion people who didn’t seem to understand why the masses weren’t following in their dislike of the shoe. Of course, the shock quickly faded once fashion people realized that there was finally some sort of watermark that could now distinguish the fashionable from the un-fashionable. While most of America began falling in love with the Ugg scene for it’s comfort and “star-appeal”, fashionistas everywhere formed little cliques around their mutual dislike and began routinely trashing anyone who wore Ugglies.

Fashion people could once again show how much better they we’re than anyone else by not wearing the hideous shoes, which they never did (unless it was Halloween and they decided to dress like a “commoner”). Stilettos and other forms of foot torture still reigned in fashion, but Uggs did not.

Remember all this when speaking with fashion people. It is never, ever, under any circumstances, Ok to be in their presence if you are wearing Ugglies. They will look at your face, look at your sheepskin monstrosities, and then look at your face again and within seconds your value will diminish to that of a Forever 21 shopper.

If the subject of Ugglies is brought up, remember that a complete dislike and hatred of the shoe is the only acceptable response to any questions about them. To really drive the point home suggest to them that you would love to see a gestapo set up that will travel to the homes of Ugg wearers and steal their shoes/murder them. An open bonfire of thousands of Uggs/corpses would be attended by all fashion people.

If you do choose to keep a pair for days when you will not be around fashion people, be sure to keep them hiding in your attic. The day may one day come when the Fashion Police are knocking down the doors of you and your neighbors. It’s safer to Anne Frank those things then get caught up with the crowds. Remember, in fashion love and hate are two very interchangeable ideas. Fashion people love to hate so you never know when things might switch.

When asked to name their favorite runway coach fashion people will always take note of and praise one person, Miss. J. And while the initial inclination is to assume that they are speaking of some statuesque former female model who’s perfection in the art of walking has been so trained to warrant a one letter name, in fact they are speaking of the Bronx born, cross-dressing African American divo from the hit show America’s Next Top Model, J. Alexander.

His grasp on the fashion world is impressive and his appearances are many so when dealing with a group of fashion people it’s always smart to mention a few places where you may have seen him, or better yet, were seen with him. The very tall Miss. J is usually spotted at charity events and runway shows. He’s a fixture at parties for Designers for Darfur and can usually be seen at shows for New York designers like Marc Jacobs and Zac Posen. No fashion person in their right mind would ever think you were invited to either of the designers show so consider charity as your best alternative. It will not only make you seem “cool” for working on a cause with Miss J, it will also show that you care about something, a quality that most fashion people like to think they possess.

Of course if all else fails you can always steer the conversation to a recent episode of Top Model and comment on how ridiculous Miss J’s hair/outfit/shoes/face looked.The love for runway coaches of a certain sex and color does not end with Miss J. There is a long list of gay black runway coaches who have helped thousands of models (and model wannabes) walk confidently down the catwalk. Be aware of this fact if you are ever invited to a fashion show.

Don’t be surprised when one of these diligent walkers of the fashion world push you aside to show a slouching model the proper step, step, t-stop, pose and turn routine she needs to show how “fierce” she is on the runway. Remember “fierce” is a fashionistas favorite word for describing a models walk. You must always praise the girls who look like their ready to pounce on any living thing at the end of the catwalk. Of course this may only be for reality show “models” since industry girls are rarely described as “fierce”. Starved, emaciated and pale are more common adjectives.

Cee Cee : The Miss J killer from the UK

You can always 1-up fashion people on your knowledge of black gay model walkers by mentioning ones they may not be aware off. Additional notable runway walkers include Cee Cee, a young and up-coming runway coach from the UK, and Douglas Sez, a designer/make-up artist/runway coach who’s made a name for himself by handling events for Wilhelmina models.

This tip just came in courtesy of France, apparently they also have a black gay runway coach, Vincent McDoom, who is also part of the French version of Top Model. How many of these guys are there?

I’m Offended, Are You?

Stuff White People Like is a hilarious site about … stuff white people like! Everyone and their Caucasian mother is getting up in arms about the site cause a couple folks feel its “racist”. I’m not sure that’s the right word for it, cause nothing in the writing suggests any anger towards our fair skinned brothers, just common (often obscure) stereotypes written as if from the perspective of a documentary writer. Kind of like what Jacque Custo would say if he was observing them in the wild.

Regardless, it’s funny and needs to be made into a book, a movie, and a TV show. If Dave Chapelle can be praised for his commentary on black stereotypes, why not this dude, right?

Anyways, I have read through just about every post and I am down right addicted. Inspired by this genius and undoubtingly buzz worth site, I’m introducing “Stuff Fashion People Like” (yeah, I don’t like coming up with my own ideas, stealing is so much easier). The series of posts will cover different subjects in fashion, but at the end you’ll get some grit on the nasty little career world we call home. I can’t promise it will be as funny as the original, but it will be entertaining. Expect Anna Wintour, V Magazine, and Wearing Layers to hit the list soon.

If you have any feed back on “Stuff Fashion People Like” please add them as comments here.