All Entries in the "Stuff Fashion Peeps Like" Category

Stuff Fashion People Like #17 Runway Falls

If you’re ever in the company of non-fashion people (perish the thought) and the conversation careens towards speak of things non-fashion things, people discuss don’t be surprised if what they choose to talk about is NASCAR. But, before any discussion of the “sport” sends you veerying for dirty martini and a long puff remember that NASCAR is surprisingly similar to a runway show, we all just want to see a crash.

The catwalk has always been a spectator sport, but now what all fashion people are secretly wishing for isn’t the perfect print or use of exotic leathers, it’s a full-on, cringe-inducing, knock a tooth out tumble from one the anorexic clothes hangers on the runway. This desire is deep suited in the narcissistic psyche of the fashion person, who at all times wants to look better than everyone in the room, even when half the room is filled with models.

When talking to a fashion person it’s important to have a few great runway spills in your memory. Here’s a list of our Top Ten Model Falls to keep you slightly more relevant that Rachel Zoe at the helm of Holsten.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdrvcLyB6-I[/youtube]

1. Jessica Stam at Chloé, Fall 2006. It was the fall felt round the world — and thanks to YouTube, it was seen around the world too. Stam’s right foot tripped her up; her body to collapsed forward; her forehead hit the runway. It made even your most embarrassing schoolyard fall look weak. But while you probably would’ve burst into tears, this trooper got right back up — to applause.

2. Milana Bogolepova at Dior, Resort 2008. Stiletto sandals and swimsuit cover-up proved too much for poor Bogolepova, who tottered so badly that she hit the ground not once, but twice. Official blame fell on her pin-thin heels, though there were vicious whispers backstage of just how much pre-show champers was consumed.

3. Elise Crombez at Proenza Schouler, Spring 2007. Again, dangerous shoes were to blame. Crombez’s sky-high heels made her pitch forward, like a runner at the start line. The audience gasped, the photographers cringed, but somehow, the girl escaped with knees unscathed.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-cqUj99zMI[/youtube]

4. Kamila W. at Vivienne Westwood, Spring 2007. Kamila’s trip was excruciating — and hilarious. Her first tumble brought her to her knees. Then, after getting back up and fluffing her hair, her ankles give — and this time, she nearly broke them. Sadly, her fame seems to end here.

5. Iekeliene Stange at Marc Jacobs, Spring 2007. Faced with a slick runway, Stange gave up on trying to maneuver the catwalk in slippery shoes. She kicked off her sandals — to much applause — and continued the walk barefoot. Now that’s how to handle a fall.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHzH5cJnFZ8[/youtube]

6. Carmen Electra at Max Factor Fashion Show. Few falls bring as much joy as watching former Baywatch babe, Carmen Electra take a dive at a Max Factor Fashion Show. Rumors say that this fall created such a frenzy, that Carmen now refuses to allow photographers to take snaps of her runway adventures, as noted at a future performance at 2(x)ist Spring 2008.

Want more. Of course you do, you’re becoming a fashion person…

Model Falling at Karl Lagerfeld

Tiiu Kuik Falling on the runway of Oscar de la Renta

Naomi Campbell Falls on her Ass at Vivienne Westwood

Model Trip Up at Zac Posen

Stuff Fashion People Like #16 Ménage à trois

Menage a trios are the sexual position of choice amongst high fluting fashion types.  There are a couple of reasons why this position reigns supreme; 1. the sex act has it’s origins in fashion city of choice, Paris, 2. some magical dust or other illegal substance usually helps endorse the action, and 3. at the end of the tryst you have the perfect opportunity to swipe the Manolo’s of anyone involved.

Don’t believe us?  Read today’s Post article on Marc Jacobs recent adventure with Austin A (are their Austin’s B - Z waiting in the backdrop) and a Jason Preston look-a-like ( last time I checked all former escort, twinks look the same).

“MARC Jacobs is already bickering with his brand-new boy toy, Austin A. The rehabbed designer brought Austin to Los Angeles for the weekend, where they ended up squabbling most of the trip. It started Thursday at Foxtail lounge when Jacobs was seen kissing both Austin and another man. “Marc showed up at Foxtail with Austin and another guy who looked just like his ex, Jason Preston, with tattoos and a cut-off shirt,” said our spy. “Marc was dressed in a tank top and black sweat pants. He looked like a mess. He was kissing both of the guys, bouncing back and forth between them and acting loony. (most likely due to the happy dust)” The trio stayed at the West Hollywood lounge until closing, then headed back to the Chateau Marmont where Jacobs was staying.”

They then proceeded to bump uglies with Grandpa Jacobs.

Stuff Fashion People Like #15 Paris

A better Vogue, smoking is still in, and an unnerving atmosphere sprinkled with a superiority complex are just a few of the reasons that fashion people go gaga for the city of lights. Paris has long held itself above other international cities as a home away from home for true fashionistas.  The streets are lined with flagships and the occasional museum dedicated to old school fashion institutions such as DIOR, Chanel, Hermes, Lanvin and Louis Vuitton, which offer luxury driven fashionophiles enough of a high to get them off powdered donuts for a few days.

In order to understand a fashion persons love for Paris, you must understand the Parisian mindset.  This is a city where dressing like a bum is considered a faux pas, where graphic tees are only acceptable if they cost you 100 euros, and where sneakers are forbidden.  Also, take into account that everyone is thin, even though a good portion of their diets consist of loaves of french bread.  This coupled with the power of french designers like John Paul Gautier, Hedi Slimane, and Yves Saint-Laurent, and you’ve got a city that can easily overshadow any for title of capital of fashion (sorry New York, it’s true).

When discussing Paris with a fashion person it is smart to ignore any patriotical ideals.  Freedom fries are for mid-west, fatties who actually indulge in greasy foods. Remember, that while historically we have bailed the beret wearing weak wrists a couple of times, to fashion people the French saved us from dreary couture and American style.  It is important to remember this during Paris Fashion Week, which is kind of like an Independence Day for couture addicts and styleaholics.  Comments like “I wish I lived in Paris” or “Napoleon is my homeboy” are all acceptable ways to share your love for the land of Lagerfeld.

When commenting on a fashion persons look, it’s always important to ask if any pieces came from Paris.  This will make the fashion person feel special, since some piece most likely did.  If they say yes, be sure to further praise the fashion person for shopping in Paris or supporting Parisian designers.  They will most likely salute you for your prowess and offer to invite you to their next Paris Resistance meeting (the underground is real people, and one day we will rise).

P.S. Be aware of who you are talking to about Paris.  To anyone who’s not a fashion person, references of Paris will by default make them think of the herpes infested socialite of Hilton decent.  Comments like “I just spent a night in Paris” will illicit dirty thoughts and offers from Joe Francis to release a sex tape.

“Oh My God, this one is so cute. How much?” 

Another Gay Black Runway Coach

Another gay black runway coach is throwing his hat into the ring. His name is MAC (yes, only one name like Madonna) and he’s the star of Ford TV’s recent two part series on walking the runway.  We enjoy profiling these for you as they are a very real part of fashion.  Just check out Stuff Fashion People Like #1 for more on this phenomenon.

Stuff Fashion People Like #14 Fashion Critics

Dear Z’maji,

My word, I am so offended at the way you talk about people. I mean post after post you attack as if you have the right to comment on peoples lives. Where do you get off?!?!

Sincerely,

Douchey McDouchebag

You know you like it you whore! If you didn’t you wouldn’t keep reading while clutching your unmentionables thrilled at the promise of slaughter. You want blood! We’re the only thing standing between the sanity of the public and the complete buffoonery of the undeservedly famous, what with their bull puckie “fashion” lines and piss water fragrances (yeah, we’re talking to you Lauren Conrad). We know you wake up in the morning, adjust your Fruit Of The Looms and flick on your laptop to read Fashion Indie and see who we’re destroying that day as if we were peddlin’ free porn. Yeah, you like that don’t you Indie?

Now some of you - some of you are just askin’ for it, you sadomasochistic degenerates! You love when we rip you a new one for wearing that piece of trash yo’ mama knitted for over the holidays and guilted you into wearing in the presence of actual people. There you are in the society pages and fashion columns lookin’ a mess, but you had to know we’d see it! It’s cuz you wanted it you trick ass trollop, you like the abuse.

Pretending to try so hard as you comb through every fashion mag and blog, looking for the new thing, the latest trend, wearing things that you don’t even like cuz you think - that we think it’s HOT. Truth is, you’d take a jagged edge to your carotid artery if you couldn’t check out who was trashin’ your name and your unfortunate ensemble choice. Wardrobe malfunction, HA! More like a catastrophic Doomsday event!

You’re welcome.

-Z’maji, The Glam’Rist

Stuff Fashion People Like #13 The Color Black

Even though each year a new slew of colors are deemed “the new black” by trend forecasters, true fashion people know there is no replacement for the color, or better yet, lack of color. This is because black is the only shade that matches their shoes/handbags/and hearts.

Stuff Fashion People Like #12 Media Attention

Stuff Fashion People Like makes the front page of Glam.com

If you looked into the handbag of a fashion person their are three things you will undoubtingly find, a skin smoothing cover-up, a pack of cigarettes, and print-out of a recent press clipping featuring their photo, name or obscure reference to their circle of friends.  Sad, yet true, fashion people are obsessed with media attention.

Getting attention from a major media outlet is better than finding a pair of shoes of sale or watching a runway model face plant on the runway. Fashion people are media whores who will give it up to the first journalist or photographer that promises to add their name or photo to a story.  The equivalent of a free happy ending, attention from any newspaper, magazine, blog or random party photog is more than enough to give a fashion person a full-on, worth reaffirming orgasm (the clean kind, there’s no need to stain the chiffon).  Since most fashion people are a tad bit self-absorbed media attention verifies their position on the food chain and gives them fodder for further stroking their own ego and making those around them take notice/feel like a worthless piece of shit.

The perfect openers for getting in with a fashion person include “Aren’t you that designer/model/high-paid escort that was in the New York Times last week?” or “I read all about you on FashionIndie.com. Congrats on curing camel toe.”.  Even if the fashion person wasn’t in either they will nod in agreement and thank you for acknowledging their media worthyness.  Another great trick is to walk around with a camera around your neck and make this statement, “I’m with Vogue”.  I circle will instantly form around you as every fashion person in the room begins to pose and chuck business cards in your face for correct spellings of their names.  This trick will work at parties, on line at the supermarket, and even if you’re taking a shit so be careful of how loudly you say it since you’ll be flocked by all within earshot.

If you are trying to become a fashion person it is important to have some friends in the media.  Points are awarded for the type of coverage you receive so use this handy reference to guarantee that your efforts are not wasted.  Remember, you haven’t graduated to the position of a true media worthy fashion person until you’ve accumulated at least 100 points.

30 Points - Vogue - If Winnie deems you worthy expect a full on flock of fashion hanger-ons who will befriend you for a possible future photo op. Choose your fashion friends carefully at this point. The last thing you want is a Pablo (Olea) hanging around you for every snapshot.

25 Points  - The New York Times, New York Magazine - Two very powerful fashion tomesthat will deem your status amongst fashion elitist like Diane Von Furstenburger,  Marc Jacobs, and Ralph “The Marlboro Man” Lauren. Just be aware that this is the type of stuff older fashion people read, so expect a flock of the geriatric crowd to know your name at benefits and the retirement home.

20 Cool Points - V Magazine, Purple, Fantastic Man, French Vogue - While most people don’t pick up these magazines the people who do will know your name, buy you drinks, invite you to their coke den, and offer you more sexual favors than a teenager at a Dov Charney pool party.  (a.k.a. if any of the editors of these magazines are reading this my name is Daniel Saynt. I’m the president of Fashion Indie and I’d love to be a self gratifying media whore someday, so write about me.)

10 Points - Paper Magazine - They try so hard to be hip. It’s kind of cute.

5 Points - Gawker.com - It will most likely make you look like a total asshole who likes to kill babies on the weekends, but if their talking about you you’re most likely the shit.

1 Point - Cobra Snake, Last Nights Party, House of the Vain - Nightlife photographers love snapping pictures of pretty fashion people.  Getting on these sites gives you some cred, but not enough unless you build up a big collection. Also, it doesn’t count if Merlin shot a photo of your tits.  That’s actually negative points so be careful.

- 1 Point - Local news stations and papers - Don’t get profiled or snapped by the San Antonio Times or the CW 11 News. That’s just embarrassing and not becoming of a fashion person.

- 10 Points - Your Own Blog - Don’t be pathetic.  Let the professionals blog.  Stick to reading us daily, okay sweetie.

-  1000 Points - American Apparel Ad - We all know how you got the gig. Only swimsuit models and Kimora Lee Simmons are allowed to screw their way to the top.

Stuff Fashion People Like #11 Models

While the current stream of ano, stick thins that walk today’s runway barely hold a candle to the pasts chic walkers, there is no doubt that models are the most celebrated, discussed and ultimately loathed beings in the fashion world.  Responsible solely for the task of walking and posing for photos, models have become the one staple in fashion that refuses to age, get fat, or have a bad hair day. It is for this reason that fashion people like them, they are a disposable commodity which allow them to promote the “facade” of fashion, the belief that with the right clothes, hair and make-up anyone can look like a underfed 16 year old.

While the model, by itself, is a powerful concept, it is the supermodel that really pulls at the heart strings of fashion people.  Faster than a speeding snapshot, more powerful than a loco stylist, and able to leap long runways in a single bound, the supermodel owned the covers of every magazine and ad campaign for most of the 80’s and 90’s.  Iman, Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, Cindy Crawford, and amazingly enough that living corpse Janice Dickenson were once so popular that they didn’t have to make ends meet on shitty reality shows.  Granted not all supermodels have been shipped to the proverbial slaughter house that is Bravo or worse, VH1 Celebreality (the equivalent of a washed-up celebrity retirement home). Many have prolonged their careers by engaging in the following acts; a) getting arrested and being publicly humiliated when pictures of them engaging in community service surface (Naomi Campbell), b) getting caught riding the white horse and being publicly humiliated when pictures of their coked up adventures surface (Kate Moss), or c) getting an amazing plastic surgeon and skipping the whole publicly humiliated thing (Cindy Crawford).

Of course now, the supermodel has been replaced by the supercelebrity, a peculiar entity that has it’s own fanbase, can actually articulate a sentence, and doesn’t require a kilo of coke (most of the time) in order to show up to a photoshoot. While most fashion people accept the current climate of the supercelebrity, the majority pine for the days of yore, when the prettiest girls weren’t the ones so easily accessible for the price of a movie ticket.  For this reason, the pencil-thin, vapid, clothing hanger known as the model still holds a place in the heart of fashion people.

When discussing models with fashion people it is always important to know a little history.  Remember, Kate Moss wasn’t always losing jobs to younger, cheaper girls like Agyness Deyn and older fashion people like to recall those good old days (let’s call them “last year”) since they make them feel younger when they secretly stand in front of the mirror and pose in their Burberry trench coats (we all do it, let’s admit it). Throwing new names at them like Chanel Iman will make them nervous and they will most likely make statements like “The age of the supermodel is dead, long live the celebrity” or “I don’t pay attention to the new girls cause they all look the same”.  This is a default answer for any older fashion person who is affraid to accept the fact that a slew of younger, thinner faces have already taken a hold of the fashion world, slowly building careers and followings that rival the ancient greats.

When speaking with younger fashion people, it is important to know about the new slew of nearly-super models.  Gemma Ward and Lily Cole are great conversation starters, but if you really want to sound like you’ve got some fashion depth, mention girls that don’t make the runways of Zac Posen. Statements like “Agyness is great, but she doesn’t have as much cred as Audrey Kitching“  or “I wish American Vogue was brave enough to let Andre J on it’s cover” will make you seem well versed in modeldom, so sprinkle them in conversations as gently as models sprinkle pepper (won’t retain as much water as salt) on their low-fat celery sticks.

PS. It is not okay to watch, follow, or discuss the happenings or models on Tyra Bank’s “America’s Next Top Model” or Bravo’s “Make Me A Supermodel”.  Everyone knows there is no such thing as a successful reality show model. It is an urban legend propagated by the Church Cult  of Scientology.

Stuff Fashion People Like #10 Super Giant Sized Issues of Vogue

The release dates of the spring and fall fashion editions of Vogue are like mini Christmases (or days 9 & 10 of Chanukah for Jewbie fashionistas) to every fashion person.  These two issues contain more trend reports (ads), celebrity interviews (movie ads) and ground-breaking editorials (ads with words) than any other magazine in Conde Nast’s arsenal of glossies.  Two to three days following the release (also known as the dark days) the streets will be devoid of any fashion people, since all will be reading through page after page of poignant commentary on fashion (ads) from the world’s top editor/ad salesman, Anna Wintour.

The reason for the issues continued success is cause these special editions of Vogue normally contain an unsurmountable collection of editorial fashion spreads (ads).  The fashion spreads (ads) are filled with the looks that fashion people must wear for the new season in order to keep up the the current trends. Anna Wintour’s devotion to fashion (the bottom line) ensures that each of these giant-sized issues remain timeless tomes to our current place in fashion (aka as disposable as an H&M dress).

In order to understand the true power of the giant-sized spring and fall issues of Vogue, you must be at the newstand the day it arrives and lug it’s 85lbs of printed goodness home with you. At home you must light the candles in your Anna Wintour shrine (if you haven’t built one yet, get on it before a fashion person arrives at your home and reports your heresy to the CFDA).  Then lay in bed (be sure your bed can support the extra weight) and begin flipping through the pages taking special note of editorials (ads) and how they are laid out in the magazine.  This will give you ample talking points when “the dark days” are over and all fashion people return to the streets wearing the new uniforms assigned by Vogue.

Statements like “I love how Wintour laid out that Gucci ad with their resort collection on the page before the Armani spread for their new perfume. How daring!!!”, will garner you respect and admiration amongst fashion people so be ready to have a few of these set for conversation.  Remember, Vogue is the closest thing fashion people have to a bible, so it’s important to give it the respect it deserves by picking up each edition and spending all you money on the designer goods featured in it’s pages and pages of spreads (ads).

Stuff Fashion People Like #9 Trend Forecasting

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hRc4LkBRjIc&feature=related[/youtube]

Trend forecasters are the Sylvia Browns of the fashion world, which means they are over paid, chain smoking mythomaniacs who garner huge amounts of praise and acclaim for deriving psychic-like predictions from their asses. Editors & designers (the kings and mostly queens of the fashion world) will pay thousands of dollars for a sampling of what these soothsayers have to offer. “Cerelion is the new blue” or “Gaucho pants will be big for spring 2010″ are often seen as amazing feats of forecasting that are only privy to the ears of the highest bidders.

Once such information is collected by the royals, it is dispensed amongst the pheasant class fashionistas in the form of magazine articles and runway shows which encompass predicted color schemes and styles. These “trends” provide a uniform for fashion people who have no personal style and are unable to formulate their own original look. More importantly “trends” allow fashion people to criticize those who don’t follow them. Statements like “Wait, you seriously don’t own a pair of fuscia riding boots!?! Tragic.” and “I couldn’t live without my [insert seasonal must have here]. Oh, I’m sorry you didn’t pre-order one? How sad for you.” are common amongst the most trend obsessed fashion people.

When dealing with the trend dependent fashion person it’s always important to take note of their “stylish” look. Show that you are current on all seasonal trends by commenting on the colors and styles they are wearing. This will make the fashion person feel even more elite and will allow them to embrace your presence. If asked about your style, it is smart to say that it is based on a future trend or one from the runways of Europe or some obscure fashion week in Guam. Remember, anything you wear can be deemed a trend. The velour Juicy track suit you refuse to take off can be reinvented as “Hollywood reject chic from the runways of Berlin, Spring 2008″. The over-sized denim and striped shirt you’re addicted to can be “a recent look on the runways of Tibet called “Jersey Douchebag”. Upon hearing these descriptions the fashion person will instantaneously praise you for your trendsetting bravery and will even ask for the hotline number of your pay-per-minute trend psychic.