All Entries in the "Shit Fashion Peeps Like" Category
Stuff Fashion People Like #15 Paris
A better Vogue, smoking is still in, and an unnerving atmosphere sprinkled with a superiority complex are just a few of the reasons that fashion people go gaga for the city of lights. Paris has long held itself above other international cities as a home away from home for true fashionistas. The streets are lined with flagships and the occasional museum dedicated to old school fashion institutions such as DIOR, Chanel, Hermes, Lanvin and Louis Vuitton, which offer luxury driven fashionophiles enough of a high to get them off powdered donuts for a few days.
In order to understand a fashion persons love for Paris, you must understand the Parisian mindset. This is a city where dressing like a bum is considered a faux pas, where graphic tees are only acceptable if they cost you 100 euros, and where sneakers are forbidden. Also, take into account that everyone is thin, even though a good portion of their diets consist of loaves of french bread. This coupled with the power of french designers like John Paul Gautier, Hedi Slimane, and Yves Saint-Laurent, and you’ve got a city that can easily overshadow any for title of capital of fashion (sorry New York, it’s true).
When discussing Paris with a fashion person it is smart to ignore any patriotical ideals. Freedom fries are for mid-west, fatties who actually indulge in greasy foods. Remember, that while historically we have bailed the beret wearing weak wrists a couple of times, to fashion people the French saved us from dreary couture and American style. It is important to remember this during Paris Fashion Week, which is kind of like an Independence Day for couture addicts and styleaholics. Comments like “I wish I lived in Paris” or “Napoleon is my homeboy” are all acceptable ways to share your love for the land of Lagerfeld.
When commenting on a fashion persons look, it’s always important to ask if any pieces came from Paris. This will make the fashion person feel special, since some piece most likely did. If they say yes, be sure to further praise the fashion person for shopping in Paris or supporting Parisian designers. They will most likely salute you for your prowess and offer to invite you to their next Paris Resistance meeting (the underground is real people, and one day we will rise).
P.S. Be aware of who you are talking to about Paris. To anyone who’s not a fashion person, references of Paris will by default make them think of the herpes infested socialite of Hilton decent. Comments like “I just spent a night in Paris” will illicit dirty thoughts and offers from Joe Francis to release a sex tape.
“Oh My God, this one is so cute. How much?”
Another Gay Black Runway Coach
Another gay black runway coach is throwing his hat into the ring. His name is MAC (yes, only one name like Madonna) and he’s the star of Ford TV’s recent two part series on walking the runway. We enjoy profiling these for you as they are a very real part of fashion. Just check out Stuff Fashion People Like #1 for more on this phenomenon.
Stuff Fashion People Like #14 Fashion Critics
Dear Z’maji,
My word, I am so offended at the way you talk about people. I mean post after post you attack as if you have the right to comment on peoples lives. Where do you get off?!?!
Sincerely, Douchey McDouchebag
You know you like it you whore! If you didn’t you wouldn’t keep reading while clutching your unmentionables thrilled at the promise of slaughter. You want blood! We’re the only thing standing between the sanity of the public and the complete buffoonery of the undeservedly famous, what with their bull puckie “fashion” lines and piss water fragrances (yeah, we’re talking to you Lauren Conrad). We know you wake up in the morning, adjust your Fruit Of The Looms and flick on your laptop to read Fashion Indie and see who we’re destroying that day as if we were peddlin’ free porn. Yeah, you like that don’t you Indie?
Now some of you - some of you are just askin’ for it, you sadomasochistic degenerates! You love when we rip you a new one for wearing that piece of trash yo’ mama knitted for over the holidays and guilted you into wearing in the presence of actual people. There you are in the society pages and fashion columns lookin’ a mess, but you had to know we’d see it! It’s cuz you wanted it you trick ass trollop, you like the abuse.
Pretending to try so hard as you comb through every fashion mag and blog, looking for the new thing, the latest trend, wearing things that you don’t even like cuz you think - that we think it’s HOT. Truth is, you’d take a jagged edge to your carotid artery if you couldn’t check out who was trashin’ your name and your unfortunate ensemble choice. Wardrobe malfunction, HA! More like a catastrophic Doomsday event!
You’re welcome.
-Z’maji, The Glam’Rist
Stuff Fashion People Like #13 The Color Black
Even though each year a new slew of colors are deemed “the new black” by trend forecasters, true fashion people know there is no replacement for the color, or better yet, lack of color. This is because black is the only shade that matches their shoes/handbags/and hearts.
Stuff Fashion People Like #12 Media Attention
Stuff Fashion People Like makes the front page of Glam.com
If you looked into the handbag of a fashion person their are three things you will undoubtingly find, a skin smoothing cover-up, a pack of cigarettes, and print-out of a recent press clipping featuring their photo, name or obscure reference to their circle of friends. Sad, yet true, fashion people are obsessed with media attention.
Getting attention from a major media outlet is better than finding a pair of shoes of sale or watching a runway model face plant on the runway. Fashion people are media whores who will give it up to the first journalist or photographer that promises to add their name or photo to a story. The equivalent of a free happy ending, attention from any newspaper, magazine, blog or random party photog is more than enough to give a fashion person a full-on, worth reaffirming orgasm (the clean kind, there’s no need to stain the chiffon). Since most fashion people are a tad bit self-absorbed media attention verifies their position on the food chain and gives them fodder for further stroking their own ego and making those around them take notice/feel like a worthless piece of shit.
The perfect openers for getting in with a fashion person include “Aren’t you that designer/model/high-paid escort that was in the New York Times last week?” or “I read all about you on FashionIndie.com. Congrats on curing camel toe.”. Even if the fashion person wasn’t in either they will nod in agreement and thank you for acknowledging their media worthyness. Another great trick is to walk around with a camera around your neck and make this statement, “I’m with Vogue”. I circle will instantly form around you as every fashion person in the room begins to pose and chuck business cards in your face for correct spellings of their names. This trick will work at parties, on line at the supermarket, and even if you’re taking a shit so be careful of how loudly you say it since you’ll be flocked by all within earshot.
If you are trying to become a fashion person it is important to have some friends in the media. Points are awarded for the type of coverage you receive so use this handy reference to guarantee that your efforts are not wasted. Remember, you haven’t graduated to the position of a true media worthy fashion person until you’ve accumulated at least 100 points.
30 Points - Vogue - If Winnie deems you worthy expect a full on flock of fashion hanger-ons who will befriend you for a possible future photo op. Choose your fashion friends carefully at this point. The last thing you want is a Pablo (Olea) hanging around you for every snapshot.
25 Points - The New York Times, New York Magazine - Two very powerful fashion tomesthat will deem your status amongst fashion elitist like Diane Von Furstenburger, Marc Jacobs, and Ralph “The Marlboro Man” Lauren. Just be aware that this is the type of stuff older fashion people read, so expect a flock of the geriatric crowd to know your name at benefits and the retirement home.
20 Cool Points - V Magazine, Purple, Fantastic Man, French Vogue - While most people don’t pick up these magazines the people who do will know your name, buy you drinks, invite you to their coke den, and offer you more sexual favors than a teenager at a Dov Charney pool party. (a.k.a. if any of the editors of these magazines are reading this my name is Daniel Saynt. I’m the president of Fashion Indie and I’d love to be a self gratifying media whore someday, so write about me.)
10 Points - Paper Magazine - They try so hard to be hip. It’s kind of cute.
5 Points - Gawker.com - It will most likely make you look like a total asshole who likes to kill babies on the weekends, but if their talking about you you’re most likely the shit.
1 Point - Cobra Snake, Last Nights Party, House of the Vain - Nightlife photographers love snapping pictures of pretty fashion people. Getting on these sites gives you some cred, but not enough unless you build up a big collection. Also, it doesn’t count if Merlin shot a photo of your tits. That’s actually negative points so be careful.
- 1 Point - Local news stations and papers - Don’t get profiled or snapped by the San Antonio Times or the CW 11 News. That’s just embarrassing and not becoming of a fashion person.
- 10 Points - Your Own Blog - Don’t be pathetic. Let the professionals blog. Stick to reading us daily, okay sweetie.
- 1000 Points - American Apparel Ad - We all know how you got the gig. Only swimsuit models and Kimora Lee Simmons are allowed to screw their way to the top.