All Entries in the "Shit Fashion Peeps Like" Category
Stuff Fashion People Like #11 Models
While the current stream of ano, stick thins that walk today’s runway barely hold a candle to the pasts chic walkers, there is no doubt that models are the most celebrated, discussed and ultimately loathed beings in the fashion world. Responsible solely for the task of walking and posing for photos, models have become the one staple in fashion that refuses to age, get fat, or have a bad hair day. It is for this reason that fashion people like them, they are a disposable commodity which allow them to promote the “facade” of fashion, the belief that with the right clothes, hair and make-up anyone can look like a underfed 16 year old.
While the model, by itself, is a powerful concept, it is the supermodel that really pulls at the heart strings of fashion people. Faster than a speeding snapshot, more powerful than a loco stylist, and able to leap long runways in a single bound, the supermodel owned the covers of every magazine and ad campaign for most of the 80’s and 90’s. Iman, Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, Cindy Crawford, and amazingly enough that living corpse Janice Dickenson were once so popular that they didn’t have to make ends meet on shitty reality shows. Granted not all supermodels have been shipped to the proverbial slaughter house that is Bravo or worse, VH1 Celebreality (the equivalent of a washed-up celebrity retirement home). Many have prolonged their careers by engaging in the following acts; a) getting arrested and being publicly humiliated when pictures of them engaging in community service surface (Naomi Campbell), b) getting caught riding the white horse and being publicly humiliated when pictures of their coked up adventures surface (Kate Moss), or c) getting an amazing plastic surgeon and skipping the whole publicly humiliated thing (Cindy Crawford).
Of course now, the supermodel has been replaced by the supercelebrity, a peculiar entity that has it’s own fanbase, can actually articulate a sentence, and doesn’t require a kilo of coke (most of the time) in order to show up to a photoshoot. While most fashion people accept the current climate of the supercelebrity, the majority pine for the days of yore, when the prettiest girls weren’t the ones so easily accessible for the price of a movie ticket. For this reason, the pencil-thin, vapid, clothing hanger known as the model still holds a place in the heart of fashion people.
When discussing models with fashion people it is always important to know a little history. Remember, Kate Moss wasn’t always losing jobs to younger, cheaper girls like Agyness Deyn and older fashion people like to recall those good old days (let’s call them “last year”) since they make them feel younger when they secretly stand in front of the mirror and pose in their Burberry trench coats (we all do it, let’s admit it). Throwing new names at them like Chanel Iman will make them nervous and they will most likely make statements like “The age of the supermodel is dead, long live the celebrity” or “I don’t pay attention to the new girls cause they all look the same”. This is a default answer for any older fashion person who is affraid to accept the fact that a slew of younger, thinner faces have already taken a hold of the fashion world, slowly building careers and followings that rival the ancient greats.
When speaking with younger fashion people, it is important to know about the new slew of nearly-super models. Gemma Ward and Lily Cole are great conversation starters, but if you really want to sound like you’ve got some fashion depth, mention girls that don’t make the runways of Zac Posen. Statements like “Agyness is great, but she doesn’t have as much cred as Audrey Kitching“ or “I wish American Vogue was brave enough to let Andre J on it’s cover” will make you seem well versed in modeldom, so sprinkle them in conversations as gently as models sprinkle pepper (won’t retain as much water as salt) on their low-fat celery sticks.
PS. It is not okay to watch, follow, or discuss the happenings or models on Tyra Bank’s “America’s Next Top Model” or Bravo’s “Make Me A Supermodel”. Everyone knows there is no such thing as a successful reality show model. It is an urban legend propagated by the Church Cult of Scientology.
Stuff Fashion People Like #10 Super Giant Sized Issues of Vogue
The release dates of the spring and fall fashion editions of Vogue are like mini Christmases (or days 9 & 10 of Chanukah for Jewbie fashionistas) to every fashion person. These two issues contain more trend reports (ads), celebrity interviews (movie ads) and ground-breaking editorials (ads with words) than any other magazine in Conde Nast’s arsenal of glossies. Two to three days following the release (also known as the dark days) the streets will be devoid of any fashion people, since all will be reading through page after page of poignant commentary on fashion (ads) from the world’s top editor/ad salesman, Anna Wintour.
The reason for the issues continued success is cause these special editions of Vogue normally contain an unsurmountable collection of editorial fashion spreads (ads). The fashion spreads (ads) are filled with the looks that fashion people must wear for the new season in order to keep up the the current trends. Anna Wintour’s devotion to fashion (the bottom line) ensures that each of these giant-sized issues remain timeless tomes to our current place in fashion (aka as disposable as an H&M dress).
In order to understand the true power of the giant-sized spring and fall issues of Vogue, you must be at the newstand the day it arrives and lug it’s 85lbs of printed goodness home with you. At home you must light the candles in your Anna Wintour shrine (if you haven’t built one yet, get on it before a fashion person arrives at your home and reports your heresy to the CFDA). Then lay in bed (be sure your bed can support the extra weight) and begin flipping through the pages taking special note of editorials (ads) and how they are laid out in the magazine. This will give you ample talking points when “the dark days” are over and all fashion people return to the streets wearing the new uniforms assigned by Vogue.
Statements like “I love how Wintour laid out that Gucci ad with their resort collection on the page before the Armani spread for their new perfume. How daring!!!”, will garner you respect and admiration amongst fashion people so be ready to have a few of these set for conversation. Remember, Vogue is the closest thing fashion people have to a bible, so it’s important to give it the respect it deserves by picking up each edition and spending all you money on the designer goods featured in it’s pages and pages of spreads (ads).
Stuff Fashion People Like #9 Trend Forecasting
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Trend forecasters are the Sylvia Browns of the fashion world, which means they are over paid, chain smoking mythomaniacs who garner huge amounts of praise and acclaim for deriving psychic-like predictions from their asses. Editors & designers (the kings and mostly queens of the fashion world) will pay thousands of dollars for a sampling of what these soothsayers have to offer. “Cerelion is the new blue” or “Gaucho pants will be big for spring 2010″ are often seen as amazing feats of forecasting that are only privy to the ears of the highest bidders.
Once such information is collected by the royals, it is dispensed amongst the pheasant class fashionistas in the form of magazine articles and runway shows which encompass predicted color schemes and styles. These “trends” provide a uniform for fashion people who have no personal style and are unable to formulate their own original look. More importantly “trends” allow fashion people to criticize those who don’t follow them. Statements like “Wait, you seriously don’t own a pair of fuscia riding boots!?! Tragic.” and “I couldn’t live without my [insert seasonal must have here]. Oh, I’m sorry you didn’t pre-order one? How sad for you.” are common amongst the most trend obsessed fashion people.
When dealing with the trend dependent fashion person it’s always important to take note of their “stylish” look. Show that you are current on all seasonal trends by commenting on the colors and styles they are wearing. This will make the fashion person feel even more elite and will allow them to embrace your presence. If asked about your style, it is smart to say that it is based on a future trend or one from the runways of Europe or some obscure fashion week in Guam. Remember, anything you wear can be deemed a trend. The velour Juicy track suit you refuse to take off can be reinvented as “Hollywood reject chic from the runways of Berlin, Spring 2008″. The over-sized denim and striped shirt you’re addicted to can be “a recent look on the runways of Tibet called “Jersey Douchebag”. Upon hearing these descriptions the fashion person will instantaneously praise you for your trendsetting bravery and will even ask for the hotline number of your pay-per-minute trend psychic.
Stuff Fashion People Like #8 Marc Jacobs
When preparing to become a fashion person, a normal person will spend about 70% of their education obsessing about one designer, Marc Jacobs. A name synonymous with Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Ghandi, and Jesus, Marc Jabobs is worshiped by fashion people for his collections heralding of the new design frontier and for being the only American accepted by the French (Jacobs runs design at Parisian fashion house, Louis Vuitton, which makes handbags and other over-priced unnecessities.) His shows are frequented by a who’s who of celebrities and hanger-ons (yes, we’re talking about you Courtney Love), who will wait for hours upon hours for show to begin.
If you ever plan to become a fashion person, you must know Marc Jacobs. Granted most of his work is a bit overrated and, true, if you compared him to other big designers, his overall influence to the world of fashion is neligable (unless you consider making “grunge” expensive an accomplishment), but never, ever, under any circumstances say this to a fashion person. Such remarks are considered heresy and could result in a public flogging or worse, expulsion to the standing room section of a New York fashion show.
The best way to reference Jacobs is as gospel. Statements like “Marc F:07 reminded us of the importance of accessories. Praise Marc.” or “Marc S:05 gave new meaning to the mini. Praise Marc.” are acceptable ways to reference the designer while still maintaining your respect for his divinity.
Fashion people love to feel some connection to the designer, at times feeling like their prayers have been answered when a certain piece comes down his runway. You will often see fashion people jumping around and speaking in tongues (preferably French) during his shows, as if the spirit of Jacobs has magically entered them. Do not be afraid when this happens, just join them and hopefully the spirit will enter you as well.
It is always smart to assume a fashion person is wearing Marc Jacobs. When you approach one ask them if the skirt/jeans/strap-on they have on is from the designer. They will most likely say yes, even if the piece is actually from H&M or a Forever 21 knock-off.
Other things to keep in mind is Jacobs persistently over-the-top parties. Getting invited to such an event is cause for celebration, as you will most likely see the designer in some ridiculous get-up, a humble reminder to his followers that he is in fact human and has a wonderful sense-of-humor. Previous costumes have included dressing like a pigeon, a camel toe, and more recently a twink.
Stuff Fashion People Like #7 Cocaine
If you ever need to describe the world of fashion to a five year old child tell them it is a lot like Peter Pan, everyone wants to stay young forever, most of it’s run by a pirate (Galliano) and when you want to get high all it takes is a little pixie dust. Of course, to a fashion person the only dust they care to sprinkle on is the kind that comes from Colombia. As Ricky James would say, “Cocaine is a hell of a drug” but for fashion people it signifies a hell of a lifestyle. Models, designers and editors of teen magazines all bow to Lord Escobar, a deity that when prayed to properly will boost your career, get you in with the top socialites, and help you bag young celebrities for your cover shoots. The reasons for it’s popularity is quite simple, a) it isn’t cheap which means you must have money if you’re buying it, b) it’s white which means it goes with any outfit and c) it’s a great diet aide for those whose eroded esophaguses (or is it esophagi) won’t let them purge out another meal of celery sticks and Vitamin Water.
When encountering fashion people it’s always smart to carry a small amount (about half a kilo) of the powdery dust in your back pocket. When used in a pick up line you are almost guaranteed a “fun time” (also see a night with a vapid stick figure who won’t shut up or fall asleep). Suggested intros could include, “Hi, I have coke. Wanna come to my apartment?” With this line you are almost guaranteed the model / scenester / cast member of Gossip Girl of your choice. Other lines like “My brother and me just smuggled 36 kilos in our asses from Bolivia,” have also been known to work, but often result in a stampede of pencil thin women clawing at you, so proceed with caution. Remember cocaine is like the Axe body spray of the fashion world, one sniff and you’ll be attacked by more skeleton bags than you’ll know what to do with.
If a fashion person ever offers you coke, be sure to comment on how good it is. Comparing it to coke you have had with someone who’s in a higher status level will make the fashion person feel superior for finding a great dealer. Comments like “This stuff is just as great as the coke I snorted with Marc at his Fall 2006 after party,” will cement your status as a successful namedropper and bfff (best fashion friend forever).
Finishing with “He was so much more fun before he went all Winehouse on us,” will further help to drive home your “it” factor and may result in your new friend introducing you to his dealer, an act that’s equal to meeting a future mother-in-law in the eyes of a fashion person.