All Entries in the "Bodemy" Category

How To Go From Madonna To Miley Cyrus Over Night

Sluts around the world rejoice, the best thing since the Morning After Pill has surfaced. Liquid Virgin boasts the slogan “Creates A Tight, Wet Feeling Everytime!” So for all you skanks out there who make the sound of flip flops when you’re wearing sneakers, never fear just give yourself two little drops of this life changing juice, and you’ll feel like that drunk high school girl who got taken advantage of on prom night all over again. I give it three years before Miley Cyrus is buying this stuff in bulk. Liquid Virgin provides 15 minutes of tightness before you’re back to looking like the jowls of the dog from the Sandlot.

I personally think that Madonna should skip the snatch (that no one wants anymore) and just apply this directly to her face.

 I would like to appologize to the dog from the Sandlot, there was no need for me to drag him into this. For all you high school girls who want to get out to a fresh start in college, here is the link to snag some of this wizard juice.

Tyler Durden’s Soap of Choice (Look It Up If You Don’t Get the Reference)

This product is good for people like Cory Kennedy, who need a shower yet refuse to do so unless there are drugs involved. Perfect if you need to stay clean and shoot up at the same time (or is that an oxymoron?).

Check out the product description:

“For when you need to get “operating room” clean. This clear and icy-blue bar contains a plastic 3cc syringe - which makes a great squirt gun in the bathtub once the soap is gone. A fresh, clean, green scent of white tea, spring breezes, and clean air make this soap an interesting conversation piece as well as a refreshing shower experience.”

Disclaimer: There are no sharp parts on the syringe. Each glycerin soap bar is around 4.5 oz by weight, and sealed tightly in plastic wrap and made in a dedicated soap laboratory, where there are no animals or smokers.

The Pain Of It All

While most of me escaped the sun’s wrath (I wear SPF on my face every day), my shoulders are approximately the same color as this Nars nail polish (and dear lord it STINGS– even two days later). I’m especially ashamed because my super-pale skin means that I’m something of a sunblock connoisseur. Anywho, everyone should be smarter than me and lather up in at least SPF 30 if you’re going to be spending a lot of time outside. Here are some of my favorites:

1. For face: Laura Mercier Tinted Moisturizer in SPF 30. Lightweight and evens out skin tone.

2. For body: Neutrogena – any of their dry-touch blocks for face and body are superb—lightweight and non-greasy (I happen to enjoy the 85, but it comes in less-intense SPFs too).

3. For everywhere: Dr. Hauschka – This stuff is a bit heavy, but it works (especially for us lily-pale folks) and is 100% organic.

If you do get burned, put on only pure aloe vera for the next 72 hours—any lotions, creams etc will keep the heat in your skin and make the burn worse. Or you could, you know, not be dumb and put sunblock on before you go out.

Indie Beauty Pick: African Black Soap

This stuff scared me at first, but I keep hearing great things about it, and apparently this one is the best black soap on the market.

Nubian Heritage African Black Soap gives you over 60% ounces more than the standard three ounce bar. This black soap will last weeks longer than others. Nourishes the skin with Shea Butter, Exfoliating Oats, Aloe Vera and Vitamin E to moisturize and condition skin. For centuries Africans have used Black Soap & Shea Butter to cleanse, beautify, heal, protect their skin from harsh environmental conditions and disease.

Available on Amazon.