All Entries in the "How To Look..." Category

How To Look Stupid: The Tribal Head Shave

When did crazy head shaving designs even become cool? I remember Kanye West and a few rappers doing the lines in the side, but did it really evolve into a Jersey shore stupid contest? At least you can have your tribal tattoo continue onto your brainless skull, just proving to your friends and family that your unintelligence didn’t stop after the initial tattoo. The guys who have this probably think it’s so cool that their carpet matches the drapes too. 

I hate to even sugguest the idea, but I won’t be impressed until someone has the full Chutes and Ladders board shaved into the head that their unfit parents dropped them on, repeatedly. You’re better off just getting mentally challenged (noticed how I refrained from saying the “R” word there) shaved into the back of your head, or maybe tattooed on your forehead. Do the world a favor and shave your head completely, and until then I’ll be the guy on the other side of the street laughing in your face.

Gracias Retarded’s Notebook for making me feel good about myself.

How to Look Middle America: Carry Vera Bradley

There are two things I don’t want to see on my walk to work after a night of partying: a.) tequila and b.) Vera Bradley bags. But I think B has the power to make me sicker than A. I’m not sure where the craze of carrying quilts as handbags originated, but I know the MidWest is the sole place I’ve seen it this year. I notice them sitting on the bar, propped on the seat next to me in class and in the mall used as diaper bags. I would feel better carrying bottles and baby wipes in a colostomy bag to avoid toting that quilted monstrosity. To make matters worse, the cost of these “purses” range from $50 for a tote to $130 for a garment bag. I could make something more attractive for a lot less by picking textile scraps off the floor at JoAnn Fabrics. Talk about a crazy bag lady.

How To Look Trailer: Wear Cowboy Hats

I like college. It’s the period of time you can get inebriated, act like a complete asshole in public and no one can say anything about it. You meet cool people and learn all kinds of personality traits about yourself you had no idea existed. Unfortunately, it comes prepackaged with some douche bags that must be tolerated on a daily basis. On my morning Midwestern stroll to campus, I am forced to walk down a street with about 400 fraternities on it. During the day, I will see the usual puke and piss stained furniture sitting on the lawn surrounded by empty cans of Keystone. This does not offend me by any means. But come dusk, I see these boys drinking out on the lawn, hollering at freshman and wearing ridiculous accessories like cowboy hats. Cowboy hats should never be worn in public unless: a.) you wrestle bulls at the rodeo, b.) your occupation is a ranch hand, or c.) you work at Dixie Stampede (which still sucks). Wrestling underage girls in the basement of your house doesn’t count, so please, burn these hats along with your smelly furniture. I believe the above photo says it all.

Be Like Nina!

Us Weekly took the time to ask former Elle editor and almost-current Marie Claire editor Nina Garcia how she stays stylish 24/7. Here’s a hint it has to do with all the expensive jewelry her husband bought her….Oh and just remember this simple fashion equation: converse + aviator sunglasses=instant cool factor

Unless Nina’s scowling at a PR contestant and giving them the fashion glare of death, I don’t really care.

Fashion Fucks: Michael Phelps

Michael Phelps is one half fish/ one half late 90’s Jersey doucher. I didn’t even know this kind of dress was allowed outside of Hoboken. Come on Mike, you couldn’t just keep the Ralph Lauren outfit on?

I’m Over It: Librarian Chic

Let’s just say someone shit in my cornflakes this morning, cause there are a couple of looks that I am officially over.

Hipster librarian was one look I thoroughly endorsed, being sure to pay extra attention to girls rocking it, offering to buy them drinks, telling them how smart/hot they looked, and quoting random lines from 18th century poetry that I knew they’d remember from their Lit. 101 classes at community college. Well enough is enough. This look has over stayed it’s welcome and is quickly morphing into the default of sexy intellectuals everywhere to the mainstay of hotties who want to appear like they have more than two brain cells dancing around in their head.

It’s extremely disheartening when you spot a sexy hipster librarian and assume that you’ll be able to engage in a conversation only to discover that your talking to some cracked out coke addict with bulemia breath who’s only wearing nerd shades to appear interesting.

So indies, I’m over it and hopefully you will be too so that we can return balance in the nerd/nerd wannabe universe.

How To Look Ghetto: Glue On That Acrylic Nail

Call them whatever you want, acrylic nails, fake nails, long nails..their the ultimate “how to look ghetto” accessory. Though its nice to have long nails there is no need to have extensions from your fingertips that rap around your coke can. If you’re holding your fingers five inches away from the keyboard when you type there is seriously something wrong; make the necessary adjustments.

Now let’s get serious here. Not only are the nails extremely trashy and gross, daily procedures will eventually seem impossible to accomplish. Try taking out the trash only to find those creatures poking holes in the garbage bag. How do you zipper your pants and wipe your crotch or ass when you go to the bathroom? There are just too many issues.

How To Look Trailer: Ride a John Deer

I barely have words for this photo…Nope just kidding!

Oh Pink, you’ve fallen a long way from your “Dear Mr.President” days. Did you lose everything in the divorce from Cory or are you finally embracing your white-trash roots?  Pay attention indies cause we’re about to give you a lesson in trailer. Step One, ride to work on a John Deer mower. Step Two, there is none cause once you’ve done that every redneck inbred in a 50 mile radius will be on your ass for a quick helping of the type of loving the government doesn’t want to know about.

Actually, Pink might just be shooting a scene from a remake of Back to The Future in which she plays Doc Brown.

Daughter of Style: Lou Doillon

How to be Ghetto: Bling Out Cabbage Patch…Kid

So, Rebecca asked me to write about this cause of my impeccable knowledge of the ghetto. I constantly try to remind her that just cause I grew up in the Bronx, doesn’t make me any better of an expert on what’s good in the hood. Yes, it’s true, the red haired baby that looks like the bastard child of Ronald McDonald and some hood rat named Shaniqueezie bears a striking resemblance to my incarcerated brother and it is true that I’ve seen my fair share of blinged out pacifiers on Fordham Road, but that’s no reason to give me this assignment, right?