All Entries in the "Trailer" Category
How to Look Middle America: Carry Vera Bradley
There are two things I don’t want to see on my walk to work after a night of partying: a.) tequila and b.) Vera Bradley bags. But I think B has the power to make me sicker than A. I’m not sure where the craze of carrying quilts as handbags originated, but I know the MidWest is the sole place I’ve seen it this year. I notice them sitting on the bar, propped on the seat next to me in class and in the mall used as diaper bags. I would feel better carrying bottles and baby wipes in a colostomy bag to avoid toting that quilted monstrosity. To make matters worse, the cost of these “purses” range from $50 for a tote to $130 for a garment bag. I could make something more attractive for a lot less by picking textile scraps off the floor at JoAnn Fabrics. Talk about a crazy bag lady.
How To Look Trailer: Wear Cowboy Hats
I like college. It’s the period of time you can get inebriated, act like a complete asshole in public and no one can say anything about it. You meet cool people and learn all kinds of personality traits about yourself you had no idea existed. Unfortunately, it comes prepackaged with some douche bags that must be tolerated on a daily basis. On my morning Midwestern stroll to campus, I am forced to walk down a street with about 400 fraternities on it. During the day, I will see the usual puke and piss stained furniture sitting on the lawn surrounded by empty cans of Keystone. This does not offend me by any means. But come dusk, I see these boys drinking out on the lawn, hollering at freshman and wearing ridiculous accessories like cowboy hats. Cowboy hats should never be worn in public unless: a.) you wrestle bulls at the rodeo, b.) your occupation is a ranch hand, or c.) you work at Dixie Stampede (which still sucks). Wrestling underage girls in the basement of your house doesn’t count, so please, burn these hats along with your smelly furniture. I believe the above photo says it all.
How To Look Trailer: Ride a John Deer
I barely have words for this photo…Nope just kidding!
Oh Pink, you’ve fallen a long way from your “Dear Mr.President” days. Did you lose everything in the divorce from Cory or are you finally embracing your white-trash roots? Pay attention indies cause we’re about to give you a lesson in trailer. Step One, ride to work on a John Deer mower. Step Two, there is none cause once you’ve done that every redneck inbred in a 50 mile radius will be on your ass for a quick helping of the type of loving the government doesn’t want to know about.
Actually, Pink might just be shooting a scene from a remake of Back to The Future in which she plays Doc Brown.
How To Look Trailer: Cover Your Nails With Food
Wow, not only are these atrociously long fake glued on nails, they have real food on them (according to the site where I got this image, read below). Yes, a little creepy, and very white trash. Also, why are we BBQing Adidas sneakers on a non lit grill?
“So you know we had to hook up some finger lick’n nails…all the necessities for your ‘Q: Hot Dogs, Chips ‘n Dip (please believe those are real chips and French onion dip, we certainly don’t play, especially when it comes to nails…and food!), Drank, Hamburger on a Sesame seed bun, and some watermelon!”
So basically, the Trailer lovers of Middle America have figured out how to one up the Ghetto Fat-ulous of NYC. Be afraid, be very afraid and a little hungry. These nails are finger licking bad.