5 Things Lindsay Needs to Do to Rehab Her Career
Jan 04, 2011 - by Lester Brathwaite
Now that Lindsay Lohan has officially left Betty Ford, it's time to get what's left of her career back on track. It won't be easy, but here are 5 things Lilo can do that certainly won't hurt.
1. Go back to being a redhead. Everyone and their enabling mother is blonde in Hollywood these days. Linds looked her best with her natural auburn tresses, in spite of that tacky "Firecrotch" comment from that bloated piece of trash, Brandon Davis.
2. Take the Oscar bait. I've always regarded Lindsay as one of the more talented actresses of her generation. She has what few possess and what is impossible to teach: star quality. Oscar-winners Meryl Streep and Jane Fonda have both sung her praises, but she's not going to get that little man dipped in gold with crap like Just My Luck and I Know Who Killed Me. She needs to take a challenging role that no one will touch especially since no one will touch her right now and prove that she's a legitimate actress. With that said, I need her to gain 300 lbs and play a lesbian who dies from cancer during the Holocaust.
3. Put out a dance record. Though her singing career is on the same shaky ground as her acting career, Lindsay had a few good dance-pop songs during her stretch as a recording artist. Case in point, the 2004 masterwork "Rumors" and 2008's equally-infectious "Bossy." Throw that raspy voice over a pounding bass beat and the gays will come running it's like our Bat Signal.
4. Avoid the paparazzi. Lindsay managed to sustain her career, or at least her presence in the pop culture zeitgeist, through her love/hate relationship with the paps, but she's not a Paris Hilton or a Kim Kardashian. She actually has talent. Therefore, she doesn't have to resort to cheap tricks to keep her name in the headlines. Also, a little downtime might do her good; it builds a little mystery and in this age of over-exposure it would be a nice change of pace to be able to wonder what someone is doing instead of seeing their vagina spread all over the internet.
5. Kill Emma Stone. There's only room for one husky-voiced, redheaded starlet in Tinseltown and Emma has all but usurped Lohan's niche, thanks in part to her wonderful, (Golden Globe-nominated) performance in Easy A. As much as I love Emma, Lindsay was here first and I've already invested the past 7 years of my life into Team Lilo. Now that she (somehow) has her license back, she can easily run Emma down at her Starbucks of choice and floor it out of there before anyone's the wiser.
As she tweeted on New Year's Day, this is the first day of the rest of her life. If Britney Spears and Drew Barrymore can get it together, there's hope for Lindsay.
Photo: Harper's Bazaar