Former Assistant Goes Inside Beyoncé and Jay Z's Relationship

And bores the hell out of me. You'd think a former assistant to the biggest diva on the planet would have something better to say than: "I soon realized that the passion hidden behind Beyonce's vocals was fueled by her devotion and love for none other than Jay Z."  I'm just going to assume that Jessica LaShawn was obligated to sign a non-disclosure agreement tighter than B's weave so I will act as translator to figure out what's really fueling this relationship. An early guess: cocaine and sex parties.

"During the BET Awards in 2006 I witnessed the makings of a real relationship between two overly focused individuals willing to sacrifice and make time for each other in the midst of accomplishing their personalized greatness."

Translation: During the BET "Awards" in 2006, I witnessed the fabrication of a relationship between a gaggle of agents, publicists and Tina and Matthew Knowles to augment Jay Z and Beyoncé's personalized greatness.

"I was the personal assistant to Beyonce while she prepared for the debut of her new single Deja Vu. I can recall having the song on repeat throughout the duration of my flight from Chicago to LA and feeling captivated by the 808's and horns. There was something about the song that made me feel as if I were being transported to another place all in the name of love."

Translation: I was Beyoncé's assistant's hairdresser's best friend's third cousin while she prepared for her new single "Déjà Vu." I can recall having the song on repeat through the duration of a bus ride to get my hair did and couldn't help thinking "This sounds a lot like 'Crazy in Love' if 'Crazy in Love' kind of sucked."

"I sat there in amazement as I watched Beyonce go over every step as if her life depended on it. I'd heard all the stories and rumors that she was evil and possibly the daughter of Satan but none of that surfaced."

Translation: I sat there in amazement as I watched Beyoncé go over every step because her life depended on it (Matthew was backstage eying her with his switch). I'd heard all the stories and rumors that she was evil and possibly the daughter of Satan. And they're all true.

"He [Jay] said hi to her mom and mentioned that he wanted to fake [sic] her (Beyonce) out and say he wasn't coming just to surprise her and it worked. The two clicked instantly and started rehearsing but not before a hint of comfort was relaxed on their faces as they found solace within each others arms. "

Translation: He [Jay] offered his sacrifice of a beheaded former member of Destiny's Child to her mom and mentioned that he and B were contractually obligated to go out on a "date" this month. The two clicked instantly and started rehearsing but not before Tina sewed Beyoncé into her silver lamé House of Dereon slutty cheerleader  costume and they found solace within their Blackberrys.

Link Love: Such Is Life

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