Snooki: Shaping America's Youth
Jan 13, 2011 - by Lester Brathwaite
"I've always said you're never too young to look bangin'."
The flame to my moth, Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, brought her trademark...glamor?...to sweet little Jessica, making the tween over in her own image.
Lucky for us, she shares the secrets to Snookifying (Hello, Webster's. Give me the Department of Fake Words You Insist on Making Real. I'll hold.):
1. Bronzer. "The most essential thing to being a guidette." That and no gag reflex.
2. Blush. For that freshly smooshed look.
3. The "Infamous" Smokey Eye. She never really explains why it's infamous, but then again she might not know what "infamous" actually means.
4. Pink Lipstick. "Because boys love pink." Yes, the boys who love pink also love Sex and the City and Kylie Minogue. And also don't have gag reflexes. (This boy.)
5. The Poof. Snooks warns little Jessica to hold her breath "for like a minute" then assaults her with enough hairspray to destroy what's left of the ozone.
6. Animal print. Note how Snooki mixes and matches Jessica's animal prints. That's the trademark of a pro. Or at least a word that sounds a lot like pro but starts with an 'h.'
Faster than you can say "It burns when I pee," Jessica is turned into a mini-Snooki, ready to guy shop for that perfect middle-school gorilla juicehead on the playground and drink til she pukes on herself and everyone around her.
They grow up so fast!
Link Love: The Frisky