Ten Reasons to Skip Sex and the City

There might be a flashback and Samantha manages to not be thirty to the girls twenty.

Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha are back as Sex and the City rolls into theaters this week. Women everywhere have been soaking their panties in anticipation for what will most likely become the Spiderman 3 of chick flicks, the mega monster which will forever destroy records and will send thousands to the stores for Manolo's, Vuitton's and other "must-have" sexaccessories.

But before you sip another zip from your cosmo (oh, your so original), here are ten reasons to skip the movie and spend your night actually trying to get some sex in this city. And just to let you know, there are a shit load of SPOILERS in this article. Don't read any further if you actually want to be "surprised" by anything in the film.

1. THIS WEEKEND WILL BE THE BEST TIME TO FIND A MAN IN NYC. Think about it. Where will all the women be. Plus, the gays love SATC just as much as the next Louboutin rocking 30 pluser. No gays on the streets means the straight, eligible (also see not dragged to the movie by their girlfriends) men are just walking around wondering where all the women have gone.

2. SEX BITCH SLAPPED NYC. The movie premiered two weeks ago in London, which is about the most unjust thing for a show with a fifth character that is New York City. Show your true Yorker pride by skipping the movie entirely. No one fucks with NYC.

3. DO YOU REALLY WANT TO SEE SEX AND THE CITY 2? The women are in their 40's now. Give it 5 more years and we'll be watching 50 year olds banging on the big screen. By then movies will have gone HD. 50 year old women, naked, in high definition. I'd go with no on that one.

4. MR.BIG DIES. The only person who was even remotely interesting and Carrie's "true love" dies. Yeah, that's what I call a fucking happy ending.

5. CARRIE CHANGES OVER 80 TIMES IN THE MOVIE. Which means you're really just watching a really long advertisement for a shit load of luxury brands your recession ridden ass can't afford. Okay, now that's super depressing.

6. THE THINGS THE SHOW MADE YOU LOVE ARE NOW CONSIDERED UNCOOL. Cosmopolitans get lampooned as being something "everyone drinks". I bet you feel like a real idiot for having that pre-Sex and the City party featuring the dated drink.

7. FERGIE SINGS THE THEME SONG. Why? Because women who love watching old broads talking about Botox, divorce, and dead lovers must also love an old broad who thinks she's young enough to be a pop star.

8. JENNIFER HUDSON. AFTER HER OSCAR. IN A SUPPORTING ROLE. They finally get a black chick in the cast and she's a personal assistant. Did Anna Wintour set this up?

9. PRODUCT PLACEMENT, PRODUCT PLACEMENT, PRODUCT PLACEMENT. If the "Sex" girls drink it, buy it, shit it out it must be hot. If certain shitty products or vodkas star selling out, I'm gonna be very sad for womanhood.

10. OH GOD ARE YOU REALLY THAT MUCH OF A GIRL. Seriously, does this movie actually excite you that much? I watched the show myself. I've seem almost every episode. I thought the show ended well. Carrie was finally with Big. Miranda was married. Charlotte was adopting. Samantha was finally in a relationship. Now we need to open up some wounds and throw the audience for a loop with some unforseen plot twists.

I don't even care about this movie enough to go see it. Honestly, is it really that much of an earth shaking experience that everyone online, offline, in the media, on Myspace, Facebook, and at work needs to talk about it.

Lay off the desperation ladies, the shows about a shit load of failed relationships and unrealistic lifestyles. It screwed up the real image of New York City and dragged in a dredge of Jersey girls and midwesterners desperate for a taste of Sex. The West Village is a bus tour. Magnolia's always has a line (for no real reason). And the Meatpacking District is officially Sex and the City Land.

The idea that an older woman could wrangle in the type of cattle these chicks managed is unrealistic and the way that the subject of love is handled is similar to that of a shoe sale in midtown, always happening and with limitless selection. In real life NYC, the older chicks who act like Carrie Bradshaw settle. There is no Mr.Big, just Mr.Available Right Now. Get your mind out of your Jimmy Choo's ladies.

Skip the movie and it's mind numbing attempt to make you a man desperate shopaholic.

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