The following excerpt is taken from the Secret Diary of Queen Elizabeth II*, which was found in the booth of an Arby's this morning and sent to us at FashionIndie for our perusal, abuse and general amusement.

*Like the Queen goes to Arby's. She's more of a Ruby Tuesday gal.

Dearest Diary,

Today marks our 85th birthday, an occasion we had only hoped to see and now that it is here, one we can only wish would end so we can go back to bed. For it is also Maundy Thursday, meaning once again we had to drag our Royal behind out of bed at some god awful hour to shove money in the general direction of the elderly and poverty-stricken. Happy Birthday to us.

A woman of our age should be in bed resting and queening, not gallivanting about with the hoi polloi, our Majestic hands besmirched by...commoners. We shiver at the thought and balk at the practice. Speaking of common, we had the distinct pleasure of meeting the parents of that reedy harlot, Catherine Middleton. We can see where she gets, shall we say, her charms.

The mother is a social-climbing she-beast and the father a dullard and a drunk. Luckily, we were pupil-deep in a Sherry-induced haze and were thus immune to their jabberwocky and shenanigans. We thought it would be in the best interest of all involved to meet and "break the ice," so to speak. However, the only ice being broken was in Mr. Middleton's six Brandy Alexanders.

We rather liked him.

With the wedding only eight days away, we are all but bereft of ideas on how to bring it to a crashing halt, short of burning down Westminster Abbey. Though we have discussed the idea in thorough detail with Harry.

Lo! Diary! Why William had to foresake tradition and good sense and go to that prison colony St. Andrews then take up with the daughter of novelty party supply folk we'll never know.  But then again, his father's choice in women has left much to be desired and even more to criticize, torture and demean. And for that we are most thankful on our birthday.

A woman of our age gets but few pleasures in life.

- Her Majesty