So this May Very Well Be the Darkest Day in Fashion. Perez Hilton, the Douchiest Gossip Blogger of All Time, Is Releasing a Clothing Line. Proceed to Vomit as of Right … NOW.
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You too can look like this. I bet you’re excited.
Oh, God! First the Paris Hilton Doll and now this.
Further proving that Hot Topic is the least relevant of fast retailers, the chain of mall stores (I believe they only exist in Middle America) are signing on gossip columnist/posterboy for late term abortions, Perez Hilton, for a collection of shitty tees, flip-flops and other completely undesirable items for their creatively titled “Perez Hilton for Hot Topic” line. The collection will include Perezcious Pink and Gossip Gangster inspired items.
“It seems natural to make products that my readers will love and hopefully some guys will rock it too,” Perez said in a statement on Tuesday. “Some people might even call me a perfectionist (such perfection in drawing coke lines on celebrity pictures), well that person would be me! I’m very passionate about my brand. I have extremely high standards and I like to get my hands dirty!”“I’m most excited to finally see on the shelves products that are good and affordable for my readers. I actively sought out Hot Topic for that reason.”
“I keep seeing these lines from the likes of Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag that give me nightmares,” he says. “My brand will be very conscious of my audience.”
Hears a little SAT prep for you. Lauren Conrad’s fashion line is to nightmares, as Perez Hilton’s fashion line is to _______ .
If you said “being gang raped by a pack of wild, rabies infected gibbons covered in month old fecal mater and then taking a sawed off shotgun to the forehead when you discover two weeks later you are pregnant with one of their demon spawn, oh yeah, and you’re a man” then you are correct.
I know none of the readers of this site would be caught dead in a Hot Topic (and that’s why we love you) but it is extremely important to encourage others to stay farther away from this collection than you would from Perez’s downwind. A mean breath of this collection may lead people to think you’re a flamingly gay, ignorant failed actor with homophobic tendencies and bad hair who wishes for a day when his penis isn’t lodged between two massive rolls of fat.
Stay away from this like the plague. It wouldn’t even be funny if you bought the collection to be “ironic”. A sale is a sale and Perez Hilton is not smart enough to realize when people are buying his stuff to be dicks.
