Stuff Fashion People Like #22 Karl Lagerfeld

Oh, Karl, you mad, cad man.

Karl Lagerfeld is the Godfather of fashion. Like a more fashionable Brando, Karl lights up a screen with a fervor that is ill adjusted, yet seemingly appropriate for his old age. Few designers hold such clout and deserved recognition in the fashion world as much as the white-haired-one, and his sense of style and understanding of youth culture is almost enough old fart credidation to make John McCain seem like a viable Presidential client. The posterboy for “I’ll Retire When I’m Good and Dead”, Karl’s long standing pact with the Devil (Wintour this time, though it is very possible that Karl will live to 100 for one he crafted with the actual prince of darkness) has ensured that he remains at the helm of two of the most powerful fashion brands in the world, Chanel and Fend.

Fashion people love Karl Lagerfeld. They have seen Lagerfeld Confidential. They have owned/lusted over/or rocked a bootleg Chanel bag in an attempt to connect to his genius. They have read and memorized The Karl Lagerfeld Diet. To all extents and purposes, Karl Lagerfeld is the fashionable father of every fashionista and gay boy who dreams of one day designing couture. He is grandpa fashion, and because of that there are a few rules you need to know when talking about him to other fashion people.

Rule Number 1. Karl Lagerfeld is not old. This is a hard one to swallow but one that must be obeyed for fear of retribution by the strictest of fashion devotees. Karl can be described as young at heart, in touch with the cultural generation, but mention his age (about 75 years old) and you might be castrated.

Rule Number 2. Karl Lagerfeld is a genius. He has never really done anything but design, but he is a genius. You should be ready to quote his accomplishments and favorite collections. If you don’t, fashion people will assume you are an idiot and ignore you until you lose 93 pounds on his diet.

Rule Number 3. Karl Lagerfeld understands youth. He runs two major fashion labels which appeal to rich kids. He’s friends with the Olsen Twins. And he’s in Grand Theft Auto 4. Let’s see your grandpa try to accomplish that shit.

Rule Number 4. Karl Lagerfeld wears his sunglasses at night. The theory behind this is that Karl died while trying to lose all that weight. He was replaced by a robot since Chanel and Fendi had invested shit loads of cash into his career. The glasses hide his dead, mechanical glare. The gloves, his exposed wires. Every fashion person is aware of this fact but fear that Lagerfeld Bot 2000 will sneak into their homes at night and strangle them with a Chanel handbag strap has kept anyone from exposing the truth. If you are ever in his presence it’s best to not make any direct eye contact. He can read your retinal pattern and identify you immediately. Once your in his database you’re marked for life so be careful.

Rule Number 5. Karl Lagerfeld wants to get into Hedi Slimane’s pants. It’s true.

(Knock at the door)

Daniel Saynt - “Who is it?”

Mechanical voice from the other side of the door - “It is your good friend Karl Lagerfeld. Would you like to hang out and play an invigorating game of Grand Theft Auto 4. Yo.”

(Loud beeps and bloops.)

Daniel Saynt - “No thanks man, I’m working. Maybe later.”

(Door busts open)

Lagerfeld Bot 2000 - “Does not compute. Does not compute. Kill. Kill. Kill”

Daniel Saynt - “No, please don’t. I’m just a lowly blogger. No. Agggg!!! I Fucking” *cough “hate” *choking “Chanel” Uggh!!