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If you really want to get in good with fashion people then you better know as many facts as possible about their favorite superhero, Carrie Bradshaw and her less fabulous alternate ego, Sarah Jessica Parker. The origin of this fashion heroine can be traced to the early 90’s, when failed actress Parker was down on her luck and ready to put an end to her dreams of A-list stardom. Movie roles had dried up and her days as a precocious teenager on “” were far behind her. While on the shoot for the Lifetime movie, “Breast Cancer, Retarded Babies, Divorce and The Day I Got Raped” Parker was visited by an old gypsy from the ancient kingdom of Lesbonia by the name of Patricia Fields. The gypsy handed Parker a mystical stiletto that when put on would instantly transform her into a famous fashion icon, but she warned that a curse was upon the shoes and in the process she would completely be typecast and would only see success in the role of one character. Parker instantly removed the fake pregnant belly and bald cap she had donned for her upcoming scene and put on the fateful footwear. Instantly, Parker’s frizzy locks straightened, her monster snooze shrunk, and her mind became filled with the supreme knowledge of couture and the full years schedule of international fashion weeks.

As Carrie Bradshaw, Parker was hired to play Candice Bushnell on an HBO show based on her New York Observer column, Sex and the City. The producers loved Carrie Bradshaw’s name so much, they decided to keep it, and Carrie Bradshaw’s name made it’s first connection to fame. The show was an instant success, thanks in major part to Parker suggesting that the old gypsy be brought on as costume designer. Women and gay men everywhere (so basically the whole fashion world) instantly fell in love with Carrie Bradshaw, making the show a massive hit. When the show went off the air, fashion people were devastated thinking their hero would be gone forever, but like any good comic hero death (Batman, Spiderman, Superman) Parker, dressed as Carrie, returned with a perfume, a fashion line for Dave & Barry’s, and multiple ad campaigns for the GAP (okay so most of those sounded more like Parker moves, but can you blame her for trying to make a buck). Parker was quickly feeling the sting of not being Carrie Bradshaw. In an attempt to test the gypsies curse she decided to make movies as Sarah Jessica Parker. Each attempt led to box office failure and it seemed that Sarah would slowly recede back into fame obscurity, only remembered as that fashion heroine from long ago.

Not wanting to be completely forgotten, Parker launched a campaign for the return of Carrie Bradshaw and Sex and the City. A team of writers were brought on to bring back the famous television show and create a story line that would completely ignore the happy endings told at the end of the series, opening new wounds and positioning its telling as a movie which would give Parker her first Hollywood blockbuster ever. Carrie Bradshaw’s face would be planted everywhere and her glorious return would be announced to her adorning fashion public. The gypsy was once again on hand (causing her to leave new Carrie in training Lucy Liu) and was asked to bring upon a new era of Carrie, a longer lasting era which would forever place her in the ethos of fashion. The gypsy brought 82 costume changes.

The movie hit theaters and the rest will surely be history as Carrie Bradshaw continues to slowly replace the actress once known as Sarah Jessica Parker. Wait, you thought this was a happy ending. Nah, son. That stiletto the gypsy gave her was actually a parasitic symbiote, similar to that black goo that tries to take over mild-mannered Peter Parker in Spiderman 3 and eventually creates Venom. Sarah Jessica Parker has been long gone, I think the last time she was seen was in that movie “The Family Stone” in which she played an unstylish New Yorker. After that shit fest, Sarah gave up on being her own person and Carrie Bradshaw won. You see the gypsy was really a witch, the stiletto a demonic spell, and the rest was just an Academy Award for Patricia Fields.

Where’s Parkers Oscar? Good question.

The moral of the story kids is beware of gypsies. They’ll get you every time.

All photos from SarahJessicaParkerLooksLikeaHorse.com