Stuff Fashion People Like #6 Shoes

If a fashion person had the choice between saving their child or saving their shoe collection nine times out of ten their Jimmy Choo’s would win. The love of fanatical shoewear is the most overpowering force in the fashion persons emotional range, which is then followed closely by love of handbags, love of jewelery, spite, self-loathing, and joy (for when a fashion person gets new shoes). Knowing this, don’t be surprised if the first place a fashion person looks at when meeting you are your feet. They will give you the once over, starting on your shoes, and then decide if you are worth talking to. If you are wearing UGGs, the meetings over, but if you have managed to wear a nice pair of pumps or stilettos you might hold their interest long enough so that they can tell you what else is wrong with your outfit.

Not only viewed as the most important accessory, shoes double as a status gauge for the most fashionable. The amount of shoes a fashion person has is often in direct correlation to their value in the community. You will often find fashion people comparing the size of their collection in a way similar to how men might compare penis size or bank accounts. “I have so many shoes I needed to move into a new apartment” is not a uncommon statement in the fashion world, or “I had to send my senile mother to the nursing home to make room for the third wing of my shoe closet.” If you encounter such fashion people be sure to mention that your own personal collection equal in value to the yearly gross revenue of Tanzania. This will not only increase your value in the fashion community, but will also make it seem like you have a good understanding of Africa, a trait that is praised amongst fashion people (see Gucci for Madonna for Malawi).

When a fashion person is not talking about shoes they are talking about getting shoes so be ready to offer some great spots where shoes are exclusive/inexpensive/made from some illegal or endangered skin like human. The fashion person will instantly call you their friend and will insist that all conversations stop until you find the shop you are speaking of. Be sure to pack a lunch, as a shoe shopping trip with a fashion person will most likely last 2-3 days.

Another important thing to never forget is the Holy Trinity of shoe designers. Worshiped more than Jesus Christ and Marc Jacobs combined, the Holy Trinity is Manolo Blahnik (The Father), Jimmy Choo (The Son), and Christian Louboutin (The Holy Spirit). If you cannot identify every pair of these shoes from every single collection, you will be jeered and scathed by fashion people. If you don’t own at least one pair from each designer, you will be expelled from the fashion community and will be seen as religiously devout as Britney Spears was to Kaballah.