Andre Leon Talley, Vogue‘s token black and court jester made some comments about Crystal Renn‘s appearance on the Chanel Catwalk. If you care about what this moo moo wearing diva wannabe has to say, read more.

“Lagerfeld had cast the show with a slightly more curvaceous model named Crystal Renn, not seen on any Chanel catwalk before. This in itself was groundbreaking for the house, but there was also the return of personality models encouraged to be themselves instead of robotic look-alikes.” –André Leon Talley on Chanel’s latest resort show.

Thanks for your input Andre. We’re going to put it right here on the refrigerator with a gold star and continue to refer to you as the fat Miss J.

Last year we got lampooned for announcing our plans to crash Christian Siriano’s show. Some reporter from The New York Observer who had obviously never been to fashion week called us out and claimed we were ruining bloggers relationships with designers.  There was major hoopla on the blogosphere, orchestrated by the least useful person in fashion blogging (you know who you are).

This season the gloves are coming off and we’re sharing with all our readers the secrets we’ve used to crash countless fashion shows in the past.

Be sure to take notes indies, these are carefully held secrets that will guarantee you access to nearly every show in New York City.  Just don’t be a douche and look like an asshole when attempting. We will not be held responsible for dumbasses who attempt and fail to imitate our cool.

1. Be Confident and walk past the guards at the tents on the 6th Ave side of Bryant Park. It’s best that you have something with you that looks like a press pass or invitation. You can create your own “knock-off” invitation by heading to Kate’s Paperie and just adding a designers information and location of the show.  You can also try talking your way in. Most of the time the guards won’t question you if you look like a fashion person or state which show you have tickets for. A schedule of all shows are available a the Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week website.

2. When you get inside, walk straight to the publicists and state that you already have a seat number. E7 is normally a safe number, since it’s back row and therefore not as likely that you’re lying. BE CONFIDENT. Publicists can sense doubt and the last thing you want to do is spark suspicion. Fortunately, if you look the part and talk the talk, you can usually get past these gatekeepers. Most of the shows at the tents remain empty and there is always room in standing room, so if you can’t convince them you have a seat it’s always smart to just ask to stand.

3. Once inside take an empty seat. Skip the front row though, those are reserved for special people who publicists need in the front row. The last thing you want is to be asked to move for a Real Housewife or worst, a Jersey Shorian. If someone is supposed to be in your seat, don’t be an idiot. Move and find another seat or just head to standing room. Fashion peeps get really weird about seating and think where you sit is what’s most important. Personally, I feel seats are for people not going anywhere, so I’ll always give up my seat and stand.

4. Make friends with Becca Shumlin and Remy Renzullo (those amazing teenage hackers that added their names to the database of hundreds of designers shows). They are officially my new heroes.

5. Wear a black tee shirt, black belt, black blazer and black pants. Get a head set. Sneak in as a security guard.

6. Borrow your deadbeat brother’s McDonald’s outfit and claim you work at the McCafe at the tents. Then grab a bunch mocha’s and head backstage claiming your providing refreshments for parched models. Head from of house and follow step three.

7. Find an AV Club member and have them follow you around with a large video camera. Get another person to follow you with a clipboard and claim you’re shooting a scene from The City for MTV. Share some story about how Olivia isn’t really a bitch, she just plays one on TV or how much you loved working with Diane Von Furstenburg and you should cement your claim to fame.

8. Carry around a stack of index cards  in various colors. Writing an “S” on them signifies standing room, writing “D-2″ signifies a seating arrangement. This is probably the easiest way to jump past the crowds and guarantee entrance, just don’t get caught with the cards or you’re donezies.

9. Find yourself a Vogue/Elle/W Magazine business card. Put your photoshop skills to work and order a set of business cards with your name. This will guarantee you entrance to just about any show during fashion week, since most publicist would name their first born “Anna Wintour” for a Vogue mention.

Andre Leon Tally, at the demand of Anna Wintour, set out to lose some girth 3 years ago. Judging by how new his Louis Vuitton gear is though, I’d say he started when the director yelled action.

If I was Andre, I’d be shaking in my barely worn New Balances. I hear they are trimming the fat at Conde Nasty these days.

Jigga man is get some inspiration from Mr. Vogue himself. It wasn’t pretty.

LINKAGE: Jay-Z Channels Andre Leon Tally