(L-R, Kate Middleton – notedly not Catherine yet, Anna Della Russo, Demi Moore)

A brief history of the fascinator:

The Art Fag may be pretentious; he may be obnoxious; he may be a huge snob and possibly an annoying know-it-all; but at least girl’s got taste.

- An Ascot. Nothing says class like an ascot. But it being both summer and Pride — and the Art Fag being gay and thus secretly a whore deep down — he can pair it with his favorite billowy tank and booty short combo. And considering the proliferation of ascots on Prada’s Spring 2012 runway, you’ll be giving him the best gift of all: being ahead of the trend.

A look from Prada Spring 2012 Mens Collection

-  Tickets to Master Class. Forget Beyoncé, hang Gaga and don’t even mention Katy Perry. When it comes to divas, the Art Fag is not easily impressed. Maria Callas was DIVA on a whole other level: having an affair with Aristotle Onassis, downing tapeworms left and right to lose weight and generally owning the world. Played to critical acclaim by Tony and Emmy winner Tyne Daly in Terrence McNally‘s play, Master Class, the Art Fag will be brought to an edge of glory to which Gaga could never bring him.

- Duffy by Chris Duffy. Brian Duffy, one of the few photographers to shoot the Pirelli calendar twice, lost his shit in the late-70s — didn’t we all? — and burned a ton of his negatives in the garden behind his house. Luckily, some of them were salvaged/recovered and are now available in this recently released tome on the iconic photographer that will inspire even the most temperamental Art Fag. Which is just about every Art Fag.

- Grace Jones’ Nightclubbing. Celebrating its 30th anniversary this week, Grace Jones’ classic disco/reggae/post-punk dance album is likely to get your Art Fag up and flailing about despite his best ambivalent, cooler-than-thou intentions. Nightclubbing features Jones covering songs by Bill Withers, Iggy Pop and Flash and the Pan as well as her ode to anal sex and the double entendre, “Pull Up to the Bumper. ” And what’s gayer than buttsex and wit, especially when delivered by an androgynous fashion model? Not a goddamn thing, that’s what.

- Absolut Vodka. At the end of the day, Pride’s about celebrating who you are and if there’s one thing the gays love to do is celebrate. Excessively. And Art Fags love to get wasted as much as, if not more than, the next trashy girl. Absolut, a longtime supporter of LGBT issues — look no further than the various Absolut-inspired challenges on RuPaul’s Drag Race –  also goes well with anything: orange juice, seltzer, regret…

1. Wear more fur. I want to be on PETA‘s “Most Wanted List” in 2011. Hell, I’d kill a family of chinchillas, skin them and wear them if I could. Nature is going to shit anyway, so why not put those endangered species to good use? Drape me from head to stiletto in fur and if possible, blood diamonds — I will single-handedly ruin what’s left of this world.

2. No more jeggings. This is a hard one. I officially own more pairs of jeggings than I do of actual jeans, but the trend is already becoming horribly outdated. Still, on a bloated day, there’s nothing more comfortable than breathable cotton. Except maybe breathable cotton and a pint of Mint Chocolate Chip iced cream. I mean, you’re already bloated, might as well go down with the ship.

3. Find shoes that actually fit me. Yesterday I found a bit of blood in my socks from my combat boots digging unmercifully into my heels. And my pinky toe is all but dead from being constantly wedged into vintage shoes. But sometimes you have to pounce on a Cuban heel and suck it up for the sake of fashion.

4. Learn to tie a bowtie. Right now I only (sadly) have one bowtie, a clip on chambray from American Apparel. However, it behooves a gentleman to know how to properly affix a bowtie. That, and to mix a proper cocktail and to properly kiss another man with tongue.

5. Rely less on H&M. Gaga knows I love those damned Swedes. The majority of my wardrobe derives from Hennes and Mauritz, but as my style and tastes develop, I will inevitably have to stray from the flock. However, if they continue with their all-star collaborations, I might have to throw this resolution under the bus, much like the year I decided to “cut back on drinking.”

6. Bring back the ascot. This has been a resolution of mine since I was about 14 and why not?, it’s a perfectly reasonable neck accessory that doesn’t at all remind people of hapless, blond, teenaged snoops.  Over the years, I’ve periodically worn ascots to varying degrees of success. Once, I wore it on a job interview and I like to think it had nothing to do with my not receiving a callback.

7. Get photographed by The Sartorialist. This is partly just me stroking my own vanity. Okay, it’s completely just me stroking my own vanity, but dammit, do you think I’m walking around in capes, sequins and harem pants for fun?! Okay, I totally am, but I would at least like it documented for posterity’s sake.

8. Find a practically-sized day bag. When traipsing about New York, I like to be prepared for any and everything, thus I carry a man purse that would put Mary Poppins’ magical carpet bag to shame. More than once have I pulled out a coat rack from the depths of my tote, but no longer! I’m actually contemplating a stylish backpack (suggestions, anyone?), or a medium-sized tote for my everyday travels. And that’s what I like to call “progress.”

9. Find a good tailor. A good tailor is absolutely essential — not just to let out one’s clothing after gorging on holiday fare, though that in itself is god’s work — but sometimes the perfect pair of pants can be a bit too big or a bit too short. Enter a tailor and for a few bucks, those Cheap Mondays look a little less cheap.

10. Shop more. The bottom-line to all this resolving and promise-making is that I need to step up my shopping game. That means I’ve got to throw around more plastic than an Ultimate Frisbee championship, roll out more dough than a pizzeria and carry more bags than Oprah‘s eyes.

It’s a tough job, but in order to truly make a change in 2011, it’s necessary.

Yes. I. Can.

Cartoon: Political Graffiti

Tom Ford gets British on our yankee selves.  This foulard/ascot is part of his Spring/Summer collection. Makes me think of Fred from Scooby Doo.  You know you want it. It’s available at Colette.

LINKAGE: Tom Ford Foulard