According to reports, Pete is “getting divorced against his will.” The former Fall Out Boy member wanted Ashlee to stay, but she walked out the door like a stone cold, plastic-faced robot. She was fed up.

Pete, here’s the thing. We know you’re a nice guy; we realize you’re soft spoken. But you need to grow a pair. The girl thought you’d work well as a power couple, but you didn’t. Get up off your knees, dust your shoulders off and get back in the game.

This relationship provides further proof that pop stars shouldn’t marry emo guys. It’s like mixing sparkles with dirt. Or plastic smiles with makeup-stained tears. Or ‘who cares with ‘who cares.’ Over it.

Now this isn’t so much what Britney would look like if she was from the Midwest so much as what Britney will look like in five years. Hair looks good, girl!

How fitting, Sarah Jessica Parker next to a horse. I love the bridle she’s wearing though. Chanel?

After a long day at the secretarial pool, Jennifer Aniston (who actually would be married in Bizarro Midwestern Land) drops by the DQ for a qucik dinner of ice cream and salty tears.

David Beckham‘s dreams of soccer stardom just didn’t pan out after knocking up Victoria in high school. He settled down, working for Vick’s pop’s insurance company and has several mistresses, like this lamb:

Town skank, Tara Reid. Victoria’s seen her in the parking lot of the A&P and has more than once tried to run her down in her Chevy minivan.

Nicole Kidman is currently serving twenty years in jail for murdering her husband whom she claimed was a “latent homosexual.”

No, not this one. John Travolta is still alive and kicking after his third triple bypass and second double chin-ectomy.

Ah, yes, poor Tom Cruise. He came to a grizzly end when Kidman used a hot waffle iron to make grilled cheese with his face. Then ate it.

On a happier note, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are doing just fine. They have twelve kids, and Anthony is 85% sure that at least half of them are his.

After years of living the single life, Ashlee Simpson finally managed to settle down.

She found an unlikely soul mate in Cameron Diaz, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers. Cam may not be the sharpest stiletto on the shoe tree, but Ashlee says she more than makes up for it in the boudoir.

Wild stallion and all-round bad ass, Johnny Depp, can usually be found riding his hog, shooting beer cans or gearing up for a good ole-fashioned lynchin’ with the boys.

As you can see, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are still quite the fashion plates. They even made these dresses! Not that you could tell. Ashley made hers from six discarded king size bed sheets. And MK wrapped a towel around her then tied it with electrical tape. Brilliant.

Paris Hilton, unfortunately lost her mind back in the fifth grade when she started showing up to class without any panties, speaking in a strange baby’s voice and claiming to have invented the phrase “That’s hot.” She’s in a mental hospital where she’s especially popular with some of the…more masculine girls.

Pam Anderson has done well for herself. A successful office manager at a funeral home, she gets all the embalming fluid she likes, which she then uses for throwing homestyle Botox parties.

Eyes were raised in town when Michael Douglas showed up with this young chippy on his arm, Catherine Zeta-Jones. But it turns out they’re just father and daughter who have an incestuous relationship. And that’s old hat. For a second, people thought she might have been Mexican or a Jew. Imagine?

A former Ms. Pine-Sol, Gwen Stefani still has her looks, even if she’s keeping them in her hair and cleavage. But she learned that “a woman’s beauty is the only thing she has or ever will have and once that’s gone, she might as well down a bottle of Ajax and wait for Jesus to come and take her back to Heaven in his divine pick-up truck.” Words of wisdom from her mama:

Sharon Stone. 80 years old and doesn’t look a day over 69.

It should come as no surprise that Ashlee Simpson has switched up her do. From long blonde locks to black to red, this girl really loves to try it all. But this time I think she’s finally got it right! Ashlee stepped out in LAX Tuesday debuting a blonde pixie cut. It looks great but effortless at the same time, which is really the best part!

LINK LOVE: STYLEITE

A friend referred me to David Alexander’s site, and on viewing his collections I fell in love with the fur, leather, mesh, studs, jewels, and all of my favorite things compiled into one fashion show. Once I began to speak with David, I found his quirky, enthusiastic and overly creative personality absolutely thrilling, and had to share it with you.

Here’s a little anecdote that got me hooked on David straight away:

So my friend Susan calls me and says ” your gonna be so mad at me.” and as I put down my Playstation controller and jogged over to my computer I see this email and I’m like…..who is that, and she goes “Well I dunno, but she is prolly never gonna buy another skirt from you or Curve again..” and Im like omg omg did i fudge up and the skirt zipper was broke because I do pride myself on an 100% usa made quality product…”She goes well I saw her in the skirt and I freaked out and ran over and I was lil drunk and I sort of shook her cause I was in the gold one and was like OMG OMG my friend made these arent they great”….So basically if you buy my clothes in NY and a crazy beautiful woman runs over to you its my friend Susan haha I cant be mad she is just all about my designs and gives me so much support.

I was also lucky enough to hear from David on a few questions that I asked:

FASHION INDIE:  How did you get your start in designing?

DAVID ALEXANDER: I started designing at 12 when I started drawing super hero costumes, and worked watched my grandma design wedding dresses for fun, then eventually went to FIDM and Parsons where I got my BA in Fine arts Fashion Design and Fashion Marketing. I have done freelance work for Juicy, DKNY, and Simon G.

FI: Your collection ‘Broken Princess and Her Secret Prince’ features a secret prince named David…any chance it’s named after you?

DA: Yah sort of I design clothing based on stories I come up so with every outfit I took all the women I know and work with and sort of designed around that, the princesses name was Alexis after my little sister.  I guess my ultimate ambitions of having a luxury line, a comic book, and an action cartoon television series haha.

FI: Can you tell us anything about your new line? I hear from a super secret source that it’s called Dahlia Dangeroux

DA: So far yes, it’s designed around inspiration from the Black Dahlia, and my non-fiction short movie ill be working on with an actress friend of mine….Im about 60% it will be called Dahlia Dangeroux or Fleeting Stars…but around the same concept, which is a young hollywood actress is kidnapped by mad man who is kidnaping the creme de la creme of Young Hollywood, and while knocked out in the drunk she dreams of all the movies, red carptes and wonderful things she could do if she survives…..and the unfolding of the story. it was inspried by a spoken word song called victim by the golden palminos. I know weird right? LOL im totally a nerdo

FI: I’ve noticed you shoot a lot with the fabulous Laura La Rue.  Has she, or any other models acted as your muse to your lines?

DA: I use people who i feel are truly beautiful inside and out, that brings out the best in a dress a confident sexy woman..Laura is also a red head like my mom and as an ode to her I always use red heads and brunettes …I also love love love Monica Bellucci she is a muse as well as Michelle Yeoh, Gong Li and my other friend Iwona Lis. one of my new muses is Karen Elson (YSL model) and Chanel Iman.

FI: You make everything from evening gowns to menswear..how on earth does your brain balance all of that?

DA: I have no clue I think my skull is full of clouds red bull, anime and video games. I always make these collections and when im done im like does is this stuff go together at all and then when people read the story there like ya…and im like…….( O_o…..ok) I guess i just do my own thing and so far its worked…

FI: What’s next? Red carpet looks, diffusion line, world takeover?

DA: (Hehehe :::Twiddling Fingers:::: World Domination All My clothes have secret tracking devices MWAHAHA)……. Um well winter is always BOOM BOOM glamour because it can be heavier but my winter is gonna be very high end couture with a few actual everyday..well what I call everyday dresses if it were up to me everyone would run around in evening gowns and furs trying to one up each other….But I just got signed on by SAGA FUR for the Royal Vision Team so I will be taking a trip in October to see all the techniques and amazing things they can do with it im thinking Chains Metal Spikes and Sable… Im def working on some casual items that are more affordable but they will still retain there runway glamour look and probably only kick the price down a good 40 or 60 bux but hey save where u  can save and where the same dress every day…I wear the same jeans….they just fit so well!

FI: Any advice for hopeful designers?

DA: YOU GOTTA WORK!….Um I dunno…ya know the world of fashion is tough and there are moments you can get very heavy hearted my advice is to if you wanna be a designer get tough skin and a shit load of 5hour energy because when you think you have made it or you have caught up you realize its 2 months from your next show and your scrambling from fabric shop to shop looking for your inspiration …..Haha I guess I have alot of advice to give like dont judge any other designers work unless there an asshole then rip up there dress, but if there cool compliment them because everyone has there own style and when u see someone and out and your like OMG what are they wearing well there wearing someone design which is more then I can say for some other people who spend all day judging…but I wont give up to much info its best to learn as you do the ups and downs create great great collections.

–

If you aren’t sold on David Alexander yet, see more of his looks on Envy. Check out his site, and shop at the following locations:

“how do u kill a blonde u give her spike shoulder pads and ask her a question ( raising shoulders) she answers “I dunno”

There are many things that bring me joy, but only only one thing that makes my Spider-sense tingle off the radar. Failed songstress/MTV Stars getting fired. Got the boot from Melrose Place. All is well in the world today.

LINK LOVE: Entertainment Weekly

Nah just joking, it’s Mayim Bialik from Blossom.  Yeah, she’s still wearing those cardigans and she turns 33 today.  If there is one celebrity I’d like to see make it out of her dark period it’s her, seriously girl have you seen what they’ve done for Ashlee Simpson.

From Not to Hot in Under 60 Stitches

Take a couple hours under the knife and you’re a Pussycat Doll. Just saying, it’s something to consider.

If you can’t afford it hopefully someone out there is working on Extreme Makeover: Celebrity Edition or Celebrity Swan or Dr.90210 or that Tim Gunn show or something, Jesus can someone save her, I can’t imagine her husband being happy with this…

Oh wait, never mind sweetie you’re ahead of the game. Seriously, he’s not going anywhere.

Wow.

I’ve never seen a family so committed to brown, it’s encouragable.

Can someone please buy these photos? We can't afford Huggies...

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz have failed to find a buyer for their baby’s photos.

So Bronx Mowgli won’t be joining the annuls of celebrity spawn we actually give a fuck about. My suggestion to Ashlee is to just give this one up for adoption and try to pop out some twins with a celebrity people actually care about, maybe one of the Jonas Brothers.

Here are five reasons why no one wants photos of your bastard child, just in-case you were wondering…

1. He didn’t pop out of Angelina’s uterus.

2. The baby wasn’t born with your new nose.

3. Nobody wants to see a baby with guy liner.

4. You can’t feature Mowgli without Baloo. Disney’s rules, not our own.

5. The Economy. You can pretty much blame it for anything these days.

People reported that Ashlee Simpson finally gave birth to a baby boy. His name…you better sit down…Bronx Mowgli Wentz.

So apparently it’s cool to name kids after boroughs and Disney characters, got it. Think I’m gonna name my child Queens Dumbo…

Blake Lively

Ashlee Simpson

Jada Pinkett Smith

Jessica Alba

[Source]

After:

Besides the obvious nose job, I think that Ashlee Simpson’s stylist has done a good job keeping Ashlee not looking like a trashy teenage metal kid. The only problem I have with the nose job is that she looks way too much like an Olsen twin. I mean there is nothing flattering about the pose she is in above. It looks like she’s popping a squat in a parking lot or something. It’s unfortunate that her husband will be a no one in a few years and we won’t hear about Ashlee anymore. Oh and if Pete convinces her to name her child something she better go all out and name it Foot or something.