The Gay Jock, above all else, wants to assert his masculinity, often at the cost of taste, style, individuality, personality or wit. But at least all those hours at the gym will be on full display as their shirts come off at the merest hint of sunshine.

- A Boat Shoe. The Gay Jock has a puzzling affinity for flip-flops, perhaps because it reminds him of all that time spent (cruising) at the pool or beach, but a boat shoe provides better sailing and also spares society the sight of their manly, albeit totally pedicured, toes.

Paul Smith Hashberry Red Dip Dye Boat Shoes

- Frankie Morello Biker Shorts. Gay Jock can hang up those board shorts and wife beater for at least one day and instead opt for a dressier alternative as in Frankie Morello’s Spring 2012 men’s runway collection. Featuring blazers and vests paired carelessly with biker shorts, the shirt, as usual, will most likely be optional if not completely nonexistent.

Photo: The Fashionisto

- Dieux du Stade Calendar. Rugby players are the biggest badasses of all athletes. Not only do they not wear padding or helmets like those sissy NFL players, but they’re also not afraid of getting naked and fondling each other. Something the Gay Jock not only appreciates, but emulates whenever possible.

- ESPN Presents: Jock Jams Vol. 1. A masterwork in the field of mass-produced mixtapes, the first Jock Jams remains the best with such noted gay-fist-pumping classics as “Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)”, both “Pump Up the Jam” and  “the Volume” as well as perennial man-love manifesto “Y.M.C.A.” There are enough hits from yester-queer to power your Gay Jock through his morning cardio and into his meth-laced partying all weekend.

- Devotion Protein-Infused Vodka. Between all those sports they’re allegedly playing and all that tail they’re inevitably chasing, the Gay Jock has to make the most of his time. So with Devotion’s protein-infused vodka, they can bulk up while getting fucked up — plus anything endorsed by the world’s foremost gay jock, The Situation, has got to be good.

Dear Mr. Wang,

I would like to bring to your attention this little thing called “The Recession.” I know this may come as a shock to you, but people have taken pay-cuts or altogether lost their jobs, putting many in financial crisis and allowing less disposable income for frivolous spending. That being said, I would really like to know your rationale behind pricing your 75% rayon, 25% spandex ribbed jersey biker shorts at a nauseating $395. I hope you are aware that one could achieve the same look by picking up some sort of athletic compression shorts at a nearby sporting goods store for a mere $20. Fashionistas on a major budget could even take a pair of leggings and cut them to the desired length, saving them upwards of $400.

As always, your trends never cease to amaze me and your prices never cease to make me cringe. Please, if you are going to charge so much for such a simple garment, at least construct them from fine leather or intertwine a follicle of Michael Jackson’s hair or something.

Best,

Kirby Marzec

Thanks NY Mag!

SOURCE: Rihanna Photos