The Kids Are All Right on DVD

Professional weepers Annette Bening and Julianne Moore bring their A-crying-game to this witty and ultimately tender portrait of a lesbian couple dealing with the sudden reappearnce of their children’s birth father.

Craftsman 283-Piece Tool Box Set

Though you might not know the difference between an Allen Wrench and a Phillips Head — nor should you — your lezzy mom does. Tell mom how much you still need her by showing her how completely useless you are when it comes to real work.

The Well of Loneliness by Radclyffe Hall

Why not put lesbian mom in a state of crushing depression with this sapphic classic about love and loss? Sure it’s a downer, but it will no doubt bring back fond memories of your mom’s college years and that one time she slept with a man, thus resulting in your accidental conception. Thanks Radclyffe!

Richard James Simple Flower Tie

Every dad gets a tie on Father’s Day and every woman looks good in a suit. Give lesbian mom a not so subtle hint to put away the Birkenstocks and pull out the Savile Row.

Someday by Justin Bieber

Give lez mom a whiff of the Bieber Fever with the pint-sized popstar’s first perfume. It may be a little too girly for her more Stetson and Old Spice aesthetic, but given a chance she might  find inspiration for her new ‘do thanks to the scent’s accompanying commercial.

1. Quit this: Birkenstocks
A mandal by any other name would look as bad.

Hit this: Espadrilles
An Hermès espadrille may not be ideal for Ultimate Frisbee in the quad, but it’s more than appropriate for quick munchie runs.

2. Quit this: Tie-Dye
Psychedelia  gave us many things, none of them as enduring or as tacky as tie-dye.

Hit this: Bold prints
Pucci prints are as trippy as they come so you can easily get lost staring into them for hours on end.

3. Quit this: Hemp
A durable and versatile fabric, there are more chic ways to green your wardrobe, especially without using your green.

Hit this: Organic fabrics
If you’re all about sustainability and that crap, H&M‘s new Conscious Collection is easy on the environment and on your wallet.

4. Quit this: Puka shell necklaces
Ah, the puka shell necklace, or as I like to think of it, shorthand for letting everyone know you’re a complete tool.

Hit this: Statement jewelry
A statement necklace says something completely different, like “I’m high as a kite right now and I’m going to dress like it.”

5. Quit this: Ponchos
If you’ve been indulging a little too much in the late night Taco Bell, then by all means, drape an unflattering carpet over yourself.

Hit this: Capes
However, a cape like this Alexander McQueen number is a fashionable alternative to the poncho but on the other hand, so is anything else.

6. Quit this: Board shorts
Board shorts are appropriate on only one occasion, and that is on a surf board. Any other time is just an insult to surfers everywhere.

Hit this: Suit shorts
Tom Ford doesn’t think men should wear shorts at all, but Thom Browne doesn’t expect you to play hacky sack in a full-on pant during those hot summer months.

7. Quit this: Hawaiian shirts
Hawaiian shirts are appropriate on only one occasion, and that is on Charlie Sheen. Any other time is just an insult to Charlie Sheen…which is kind of all right.

Hit this: Paisley shirts
Odds are you won’t need much to cheer you up this 420, but paisley, like this Michael Kors top, can add a dash of curlicued sunshine to anyone’s day.

8. Quit this: Baggy jeans
“So okay, I don’t want to be a traitor to my generation and all but I don’t get how guys dress today. I mean, come on, it looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair – ew – and cover it up with a backwards cap and like, we’re expected to swoon? I don’t think so.” – Cher Horowitz

Hit this: Harem pants
A harem pant gives you the same freeballin’ feeling of a pair of slouchy Levi’s hanging off your upper thighs and — bonus points — the drop-crotch acts as a great weed table if nothing else is around.

9. Quit this: American Eagle
For most of us, middle school is over and so is the Eagle.

Hit this: American Apparel
Going from the Eagle to the Apparel, though, is not so much a show of growth so much as a show of wanting to get laid. But even stoners need to slut it up sometimes.

10. Quit this: Beanies
A beanie is like the stoner equivalent of the little black dress. And though I would deign to ask any pothead worth his or her reefer to abandon their LBD…

Hit this: Newsboys
A newsboy cap adds a certain air of jauntiness and charm. I mean, who would you rather get high with, beanie boy or Brad Pitt? Though the beanie guy looks baked as all get out.

Happy Toking and remember to dress is human, to smoke divine.

There was an animal loose at the Bambi awards, and it certainly wasn’t a doe. Leopard print was seen all over the  red carpet; some was cute, but mostly it looked a bloody mess. Sylvie van der Vaart’s dress was a flattering cut and print, but the fabric, from what I can see, looks cheap. The dress Julia Stegner showed up wearing might be one of the ugliest garments I’ve seen in awhile. And those shoes? Bitch please. Birkenstocks would have looked more feminine. Pink resembles like the Prince of Pukey Outfits in this leopard gown. That color almost looks like camouflage from Gander Mountain. The worst possible things you can do with leopard print is put it on cheap fabric, give it a train or wear it immediately after the skinning. Congratulations, ladies, for allowing me to experience all three in one painful sitting.