GoingConcern.com has discovered a lawsuit in Germany where Porsche is suing Crocs over use of the word “Cayman.”  Apparently, both Porsche and Crocs make a Cayman model (above).

If only designers took pity on crocs and helped re-design them, instead you can pay $170 for the above sandal, courtesy of Givenchy.

Ok. I don’t want to offend anyone, but look. Gladiator sandals. Why, ladies? I simply don’t understand. Do you want to look like an extra from Troy? Almost no one can pull off this shoe without looking like their bottom half comes from a different century. Ok, maybe this look can be totally rocked by a half-naked Italian model who spends her time being photographed by Guy Bourdain while draped languidly over obscenely expensive furniture, but this is not you. As much as you’d like to imagine yourself as a waifish, fashion-forward lady warrior, I’m sorry to say it, but you look awkward. Pairing gladiator sandals with denim shorts and a t-shirt from the Gap is a look that says “Hey, I totally read Vogue magazine, I get it, I’m trendy. I’m also an editorial assistant who makes under thirty thousand dollars a year and can only afford clothes from Marshalls—and unfortunately, as much as I’d like to strut around Newbury Street looking like I own half of Marc Jacobs’ inventory, I can only pull off looking like someone dissected Jason and the Argonauts and paired his bottom half with a freshman college student’s torso.” Is this really the message you want to give to passers-by?

Some trends are meant to be ignored. Maybe Mischa Barton can look good in it, but you’re not her. You’re a totally normal person. So dress like one. No Uggs (seriously, I don’t care it they’re warm and comfy. You can get warm shoes that don’t look like you stole them from an unconscious Australian backpacker. Also, especially don’t tuck your jeans into them. You will look like every teenaged girl I’ve ever seen. Be your own person.

Oh, and don’t even get me started on Crocs. The only people who are allowed to wear them are nurses. And nurses, since I’ve allowed you to wear Crocs, will you do me a favor and don’t put any of those cutesy little buttons on them?

Since our ‘10 Ghetto Fabulous Don’ts‘ was so widely popular/hated, we decided to create a list of the things white people do that we really don’t understand. We aren’t racist, we promise.

1. Sweatpants/Pajamas in public. I never really understood this, it takes the same amount of effort to put on a pair of jeans as it does to put on all of these things. Ridiculous.

2. Ed Hardy. This photo speaks for itself.

3. Oakley mirrored/rainbow sunglasses. When is it really necessary to be wearing rainbow tinted sunglasses?  White people love how these make them look like a surfer/snowboarder/DOUCHEBAG.

4. Jean skirts + leggings + UGG boots. I am STILL waiting for this “trend” to go out of style. If it’s warm enough out for you to be wearing a skirt, you shouldn’t be wearing UGG boots..if it’s cold enough for you to be wearing UGG boots, you shouldn’t be wearing a skirt. Pick one or the other, please.

5. Socks and sandals.  Look at how short that guy’s pants are! This screams tourist/dad to me.  Who ever decided that this was acceptable?

6. Humor state-themed shirts.  Somewhere along the line, white people decided that it was hilarious to use semi-witty phrases along with whatever state they lived in.  Thus, the humor state shirt was born, and has sadly not died off yet.

7. Stupid tattoos. Butterflies, tribals, skulls, barbed wire, etc.

8. Crocs. I don’t care if they’re “super comfortable,” Crocs are and will always the THE UGLIEST FUCKING THINGS ON THE PLANET. Why they keep inventing different styles (sandals, flats), I have no idea.

9. Cargo shorts. White people LOVE these.  But why do you need all of those pockets?

10. Critter pants. To me, these seem like a cross between cargo pants and pajamas. Either way, not cool. And they look exceptionally dumb with those flip flops.

Don’t hate me more than you already do.

Fashin Fags broke the good news today, here’s what they had to say:

The auditor of Crocs has “substantial doubt” about the company’s ability to stay in business amid falling revenue. Praise!

I hope they are correct!

This lawsuit is almost as stupid as Libeck v. McDonalds…you know, the one where the woman “didn’t know” her coffee was hot and scalded her lap when it spilled. This time, Kerry Burdick of Pennsylvania, sued Crocs because her son’s toe got mangled when his foot got caught in an escalator. Sounds to me like a case of bad parenting, a mom allowing her 3-year-old to ride on an escalator. Lucky for her, Burdick snagged $7.5 million because she blamed Crocs for the boo-boo on the big toe. Apparently Crocs has had over 60 complaints due to escalator injuries and agreed to add an escalator warning label in the near future. 

I’m leaving it up to you, my fellow indies, to warn the rest of middle America about this Croc/ escalator madness and help me get these hideous excuses for footwear off the streets of our nation. 

Thanks Dlisted!

Goddamnit!!! I was afraid this might happen. I haven’t been on The Cobra Snake for sometime but today I jumped on to check out some photos from recent events I’m not cool enough to get invited to. Anywho, aside from being shocked by the unforgiving amounts of Henry Holland candids, I spotted the photo above in one of the galleries. Why hipster scum, why?!? There is no need to support Crocs. They are ugly little monsters that make you look like a complete fly-over state reject. Please, do not copy this trend. No one needs to support Crocs rise. 

Wait. Just realized something. Crocs are to the Millennium, as Sketchers are to the 90’s.  Damn, that’s a scary thought. On a side note, isn’t it time Sketchers got cool again, eh?

Oh, Steve Tyler why!?!  This is unforgivable. I used to love Aerosmith, but Dude Looks Like a Lady is starting to sound like Dude Looks Like a Doucher to me. 

Photo from Jezebel

I’m praying this is a joke. Like some how this guy lost a bet and was forced to wear crocs to work. And his supermodel wife thought it was hilarious and decided to blow him all night when he got home. But then I realize that’s not actually possible cause a) all supermodels lack a sense of humor and b) no one would actually fuck a dude in crocs.

Please people, if you see this happening around you, put the person wearing the offensive shoes out of their misery. Croc wearers breed more croc wearers. It’s an epidemic and it is your constitutional right to enforce marshal law on these bitches.

It’s so strange how midwestern dorm fashion could trickle into our city..and we have to do something to stop its…trickling.  So Juice City has built the FIRST Croc recycling factory!All you that have succumb to the Crock itch have a chance to redeem yourselves By following these simple steps…-Drop Off your Crocs at one of our designated “Croc Boxes”-One of our Anti-Croc street teamers (in the middle of the night) will bring them to our croc recycling factory-And commence Croc destruction…. 

Just drop and walk away…and do not turn back.If only this were true. I’d be a happy camper.

Further proof that no matter how washed up and useless you are in Hollywood, there will always be someone to pay you something for a product endorsement. This is just as pathetic as her “take it in the butt” husbands attempt to seem like this is some sort of “happy family”.  We know she dressed you this morning. No one with a testicle owns a canary yellow sweater and white khakis.  Plus any family that wears Crocs together cannot  possibly be happy!!!

I wonder how much Jenny girl got paid for this. It must have been substancial considering she had to get most of her family on board as well.   I can see the conversation now…

King Croc (aka Scientologist leader L.Ron Hubbard’s re-animated head) – “So Jenny, we want you to be the new spokesperson for Scien – um – ah – I mean Crocs.”

Jenny Garth – “Listen buddy, how much does the gig pay. I got a family of four and a latino pool boy named Philipe my husband doesn’t want us to get rid of, even though we don’t have a pool. I need some serious cash to pay for another round of botox and waxing for my hubbies taint.”

KC – “Jenny, we want all RPs (recessive personalities) to engage Crocs and discover the need to had over their lives as official CDs (Croc Devotees).  We already have Ludacris on board to get us the ODBs (old dirty bastards) from the UM (urban market) and now we need you to get us the SMs (soccer moms) and SADs (stay at home dads – yes, the acronym is SAD)”

Jenny – “Do I get paid extra if my husband and kids wear them too?”

KC – “Yes, Sciento – um ahem – Crocs are a family oriented brand. We want everyone to embrace them.”

Jenny – “Sounds good. Hey while I’m here, do you think you can get me on the 90210 remake 902102 (yes, that is the name of the new 90210 show. 902102.  I guess Laguna Beach was taken.)”

KC -  “How about a recurring role as Brenda 2.0s coke addicted guidance counselor.”

Jenny – “How about the role of Andrea, the old one, I’m about her age now?”

KC – “I was pushing John Travolta for that role. His drag turn in Hairspray makes him a shoe in.”