FashionIndie » dora the explorer

We Need to Talk About Your Baby’s Cocaine Problem

Lester Brathwaite — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 12:56:12 +0000

Now, far be it from me to judge how your baby gets its rocks off. We were all once infants, eager to explore the world around us; sticking god-knows-what up god-knows-where all in the spirit of harmless adventure. But as a parent, you’ve gotta draw the line somewhere — and that line should preferably be in your baby’s stash of cocaine. A recent study of over 100 changing tables in shopping malls, hospitals, courts, police stations and even churches, for Lohan‘s sake, revealed that 92% had traces of Colombian nose candy. Personally, I blame this on that trashbag pusher Dora the Explorer and her drug mule, Diego, who’s been a little too go-go as of late, if you catch ma drift.

Looks like someone's got a monkey on their back named Tony Montana

The findings are “shocking,” at least according to one official who claims that coke use has become more widespread. This study, it should be noted, was conducted in the UK — also known as Europe’s cocaine capital two years running! (snort that, Germany) — so it’s really those British babies that need a good talking to. American babies, I’m assuming, are still getting their kicks the old-fashioned way: boobies, bottles and Binkies. But it’s only a matter of time before the specter of hard drugs rears its ugly head stateside.

One day you’ll be at the mall, or the courthouse, or the police station, or the church/mosque/synagogue/other place of worship, going about the glamorous task of changing your child’s soiled underthings, when next thing you know: the DEA kicks down the door, rips the baby out of your arms Elian Gonzalez-style, and hauls that nascent nogoodnik off to a holding cell where its cries for “Mama” will go ruthlessly unheeded. Cut to a life spent goo-ing and gaga-ing strangers for the slightest bit of rock.

And I don’t think you want that to happen so…we need to talk about your baby’s cocaine problem. [Mirror]

Forget the Backpacks and Get That Explorer a Birkin

Lester Brathwaite — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 19:35:08 +0000

In celebration of Dora the Explorer‘s 10th birthday, the stars have aligned to design one-off backpacks for the pint-sized bilinguist, which will be auctioned off for UNICEF.

Pics of the packs after the jump.

Some celebs tapped to design the bags include: Salma Hayek, Matthew McCounaghey, Shakira, Eva Longoria, Sheryl Crow, Jade Jagger and Slash.

While we’re at it, can we do something about that hideous t-shirt/short combination? I get the explorer theme and all, but a safari jacket never hurt anyone.

That Whore Dora Strikes Again, Satan Be Damned!

Zmaji Robinson — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 16:26:54 +0000

*sees Dora The Explorer bow tie*

*left eye twitch*

*has a “Nooooo Wiiiirrrrreee Haaannnnggeerrrrrsss” moment*

Well isn’t this a chemo-therapeutic-mess! Indie dahlingk’s, it’s not necessarily that I hate Whora The Explorah’, it’s more that I want her to die a painful, burnin clap of a death but that bobble head trollop won’t laydown and sleep……….FOREVAH! No matter how much I lace her sippy cup with Pine Sol she just won’t die. I mean, it worked in 6th Sense, I figured it would work in real life! *sigh*

In all seriousness, we have an issue of when grown men show themselves in public rockin whack childrens cartoon characters as part of their accessory game. Is this how you turn your swag on…….really…….REALLY? And why is he so greasy lookin?! My brotha please, some loose powder and a light cream concealer will help your soul cuz this can’t be the will of the glowin Christ Jesus of Glamour. Now don’t even start thinkin that it’ll make you seem less manly, the trash around your neck already castrated your manhood. OVAH!

5 Year Old Girls Become Beauty Savy

Rebecca Alexander — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 13:04:52 +0000

What do you do when your 5 year old asks you for laser hair removal? Or your fourth grader asks for $150 highlights and a mani/pedi to go with it?

An article in Newsweek talks all about this dilemma:

“Fourth graders are in the market for lush $50 haircuts; by the time they hit high school, $150 highlights are standard. Five-year-olds have spa days and pedicure parties. And instead of shaving their legs the old-fashioned way—with a 99-cent drugstore razor—teens get laser hair removal, the most common cosmetic procedure of that age group. By the time your 10-year-old is 50, she’ll have spent nearly $300,000 on just her hair and face.”

Guess most of us don’t have to worry about that for some time, but imagine what OUR 5 year old’s are going to be asking? I’m imagining anal bleaching and Dora the Explorer temporary tattoo removal.

WOW!

LINKAGE: NY Mag via Newsweek

The Worst Possible Fashion Statment Ever!

Zmaji Robinson — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 22:25:03 +0000

Just so you know, I have CPS on speed dial and you’re 1 violation away from me using it douchecock!

Indies the only thing worse than those horrible eye sores called Crocs is Dora The Explorer Crocs and the only thing worse than that is actually dressing your child up in those Whora The Explora Crocs, AAARRRGGHH! KILL NOW!

A chick brought her child into my shop to get her hair braided and lo and behold that little monkey had on Dora The ‘Fudgin’ Explorer Crocs. There’s actually merchandise that bares her likeness which I’m exceedingly sure was constructed in the 3rd world by lil’ Paco or Ming Choo at a whopping 1cent a day salary, therefore pissing us off just that little bit extra. How do you know you could be out parented by a poo slingin’ chimp? 1) Your daughter’s on the pole 2) Your daughter’s in competition with Jenna Jameson for “Most Shots To The Face” 3) Your child owns a pair of Dora The Explorer Crocs…………clearly you’ve failed!

If you don’t kill her, I will!

It was all I could do not to douse the child in holy water and curse the prince of darkness for the pure and unholy, cockeyed foolishness that was set before my eyes. I could just see the blood and sweat of underpaid sweat shop laborers glistening off the logo while that Explora The Whora smiled back at me. I don’t know why I hate that little box headed trollop but I know that a forray into fashion is sure to get the offices of Nickelodeon a medley of hate mail and unmarked, ticking packages. Stop It! Stop It Now! OVAH HA!

Lay off the snacky cakes and lil debras, Fatty

- Z’maji of HauteBlogXOXO