Everyone wants to imbibe freely and some places allow you to do just that. But if you find yourself in this proverbial land of milk and honey — where the milk and honey are actually vodka and tequila — it’s important to adhere to certain protocols.

1. Don’t crowd the fucking bar. My biggest pet peeve in life is someone chit-chatting their boring life away at the bar while a crowd of people clamor and jockey for a spot around them. Take the flirting to the men’s urinal where it belongs and step aside for your fellow drunk. It’s called “courtesy” and “not being a douchebag.”

2. Tip your bartender. Aside from securing good karma, a well-tipped bartender is far more likely to see you when you’re flopping up to secure your next drink.

3. Double fist your way through. An open bar  is not a marathon, it’s a sprint. Ordering two drinks allows you to get as wasties as possible as quickly as possible and cuts back on the amount of time you’ll have to stand in line. Also, you’ll look pretty badass.

4. Last call calls for shots. Most open bars are only one or two hours — a half an hour is an insult and anything over two hours is pure magic — so when last call inevitably rolls around, it’s time to roll up your sleeves and get to work. Tequila shots and Jäger bombs guarantee a superstar finish. Or at least an evening groping your way through a K hole.

Happy drinking this Halloween, kids! And remember, it’s all fun and games till someone ends up in rehab. Someone I call a quitter.

Photos by KirillWasHere.com

Leave the beer at home, kids. This is grown-folk drinking:

1. The Sidecar – Ditch your preferred mode of conveyance and hop in a Sidecar then floor it to DrunkTown, USA;  population: everyone cool.

2. Tom Collins - I hear Tom Collins is related to Joan Collins, who, if she were a drink, would probably bitch slap you into a pool by the end of the night.

3. Old Fashioned – As an old-fashioned kind of girl, I like an old-fashioned kind of drink. And when I’m drinking my old-fashioned drink, I like to wax nostalgic of my days as a jazz baby and Ziegfield girl. Come on everybody, let’s Charleston like it’s 1929!

4. Martini – The ultimate in sophistication, martinis evoke the spirit of Manhattan society when ladies wore mink stoles and men wore tails…and also when blacks and Jews weren’t allowed in nightclubs. Hey, I’m not saying it was all shits and giggles.

5. Henry C. Ramos’s Gin Fizz - I don’t know or care who this Henry C. Ramos is, but apparently the “longer you shake [his] cocktail, the frothier it gets.”

That’s what she said.

6. Whiskey Sour - Now this is a gentleman’s drink. The kind of gentleman who may sleep with whores, but treats them like ladies.

2 oz. whiskey
2 tbsp. fresh lemon juice
2–3 tsp. sugar
3–4 ice cubes
Orange slice
Maraschino cherry

7. Fur Collar – I think all drinks should be named after fabulous fashion pieces. Maybe next year I’ll work on creating my own sartorial potables: the Sequined Pantsuit; the Tranny Heel; the The Drop-Crotch…which can have several connotations.

1 oz. vodka
1 oz. apricot brandy or liqueur, preferably
Rothman & Winter Orchard apricot liqueur
1 oz. freshly squeezed orange juice

8. Manhattan Noonday - Who doesn’t love a nooner?

1 1/2 oz. bourbon
1 oz. sweet (Italian) vermouth
1 dash Angostura bitters
1 dash simple syrup
1 maraschino cherry

9. Kentucky Club Margarita – This ain’t your $3 frozen margarita from Benny’s Burritos. Which saddens me a little since I love getting those free bowls of chips and salsa.

1 lime wedge
Kosher salt, to taste
1 1?2 oz. silver tequila
3?4 oz. freshly squeezed
lime juice
1?2 oz. Cointreau

10. Dirty Shirley - The Shirley Temple is a classic virgin cocktail, but all virgins need to bust that maraschino cherry eventually. Add a bit of vodka and Shirley Temple suddenly turns into Shirley MacLaine, circa her Rat Pack heyday when she was knockin’ ‘em back with Frank, Dino and Sammy.

LINK LOVE: Saveur

For the friend who has everything: William Rast for Target® Military Jacket in Green – $49.99

For the athletic brother: i360 Hat Beanie 4Gen Hat – $29.99

For the new niece or nephew: Baby Aspen”Dilly the Duck” Four-Piece Bath Time Gift Set – $32.00

For the college sister: Xhila Kashana Lace-up Boot – $26.99

For the glamazon: JK Jemma Kidd Strike A Pose Swivel Palette – $32.00

For the outdoorsy-chic decorator: Country Wood 5 T-Lite Holder – $39.99

For the heavy drinker: Stainless Steel Martini Glasses Set of 4 – $34.99

For the chef: Tiered Pedestal Serving Plates, Set of 3 – $24.99

LINK LOVE: Target.com

People are always talking about how being a binge drinker can add on quite a few pounds; however, no one really looked into what this meant for the average drinker. Recent studies are revealing that binge drinkers are much more likely to head to the gym than those who don’t drink. Why? I’m thinking it’s because they want to shed off the pounds they gained the night before, but some people say it’s the same kind of thrill.

LINKAGE: Allure