Once the sole realm of the lesbian, the gays have adopted this practical top as their own. Hipsters have been lumberjacking in their plaid for ages so it’s merely a question of cut and sleeve length. A zhuzhed sleeve almost always spells out queer, but be careful, as I’ve been attracted to my fair share of similarly-attired dykes and T-girls.

Skinny jeans cum skinny jean shorts

The go-to short of both sets, a slim fit jean short gives a flattering silhouette without showing too much gam. A short short, though, is a mostly gay thing as my friends and I consider anything not grazing your testes to be a full-on pant.

Decolletage

A billowy, boob-bearing tank or T is a go-to for any self-loving homo on the prowl, but the hipster has also been known to slip a nip in the hot Williamsburg summer. If said top is paired with a jegging, however, the answer is more or less clear.

Murses/Man Bags

As Paris Is Burning taught me, “Everybody knows that an evening bag is a must. No lady is sure at night.” I rarely go anywhere sans a bag, as I never know where I’ll end up. And the bigger the better. Now, this is perhaps the easiest identifying article. If you see a boy with a messenger bag, or a shoulder bag, or a tote from Trader Joe’s, he’s probably a hetero. If you see a boy with a Louis tote with a beaver tale hanging off of it, he’s actually a lady. And make sure you treat him like one.

American Apparel

Though the popular chain is in some serious financial trouble, it remains a favorite among both gay and hipster. AA has catered to the hipster set from the get-go, but the gays, if anything, know a good deal. The hipster will most likely be found perusing the oversized tanks and skinny jeans, while the gay will be happily leafing through the women’s tops, rompers and leggings. Unisex, after all, is just a term the gays invented so we can openly wear women’s clothes.

Bikes

Personally, I don’t do bikes, but they seem to big among the kids. Gaga knows the gays love to ride anything, but, moreover, bikes are just an economical and environmentally-friendly way to get around. If there’s a basket and/or a bell, however, take a wild guess.

Calf tattoos

I love a good calf tattoo, but as with all tattoos, it depends on what it is. I am personally bereft of ink, but I’m hoping to get this tattooed somewhere one day and the calf would be my best best. And that is why I’m a grade-A homosexual. If I were to get, say, my name tattooed in some language I don’t understand, then I’d be in hipster, perhaps even Guido territory. Meanwhile, that’s an idea for another post. Guido v. gay. The possibilities are endless!

Mo/Faux hawks

Everyone’s jumped on this particular bandwagon so it’s best to avoid anyone with this cut, lest you want to avoid shaving your pubic hair for a week to get rid of the crabs. No offense to anyone with a hawk. Or anyone with crabs. They both can happen to good people.