Call them whatever you want, acrylic nails, fake nails, long nails..their the ultimate “how to look ghetto” accessory. Though its nice to have long nails there is no need to have extensions from your fingertips that rap around your coke can. If you’re holding your fingers five inches away from the keyboard when you type there is seriously something wrong; make the necessary adjustments.

Now let’s get serious here. Not only are the nails extremely trashy and gross, daily procedures will eventually seem impossible to accomplish. Try taking out the trash only to find those creatures poking holes in the garbage bag. How do you zipper your pants and wipe your crotch or ass when you go to the bathroom? There are just too many issues.

So, Rebecca asked me to write about this cause of my impeccable knowledge of the ghetto. I constantly try to remind her that just cause I grew up in the Bronx, doesn’t make me any better of an expert on what’s good in the hood. Yes, it’s true, the red haired baby that looks like the bastard child of Ronald McDonald and some hood rat named Shaniqueezie bears a striking resemblance to my incarcerated brother and it is true that I’ve seen my fair share of blinged out pacifiers on Fordham Road, but that’s no reason to give me this assignment, right?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pABR7CoM5uA&[/youtube]

So the war between hip hoppers who wear baggy jeans and those who wear tight jeans has begun. Really!?! Is this how pathetic hip hop has become. There was a time that battles we’re fought over police brutality and drug blocks, now it’s all about fashion.

In the video above, gang violence is advocated as a way to handle tight jeans in your neighborhood. The following disclaimer hits the video before some Soulja Boy wannabes lay down weak rhymes over an annoying repetitive hook.

WARNING: Wearing tight clothes by men may result in feminine tendencies, homosexuality, possible yeast infection, severe hemmorrhoids [sic], permanent wedgies, & genetically inherited transexual [sic] characteristics in your son.

All those things sound way better than the poor grammar and spelling you’d genetically inherit if you dressed like a late nineties gang banger.  Seriously, though the yeast infection part is pretty funny.

Listen, you fucking baggy jeans wearing homos on the downlow. Wearing tight jeans doesn’t make you gay, but wearing jeans to your ankles does. Everyone knows (a.k.a. non-ghetto people) where the sag came from. It was a prison ritual to determine who was a bitch.  So if you wear saggy jeans and showcase your fresh draws that makes you the bitch you ignant.

On the flip side, wearing tight jeans that squeeze your nuts to the point that I have to wonder whether or not you have a dick is also not cool. So everyone, just by a pair of jeans that fit.

Also, does the tight clothes thing apply to females as well?  Cause there are way to many girls out there who have no reason to be rocking XSmall tees over XXL fat rolls. Can you make a rap for ladies as well?  Some of us are trying to keep our breakfast down.

Update: The rappers are from Brooklyn. Wonder if they want to do Fashion Indie Week Brooklyn?

Wow, not only are these atrociously long fake glued on nails, they have real food on them (according to the site where I got this image, read below). Yes, a little creepy, and very white trash. Also, why are we BBQing Adidas sneakers on a non lit grill?

“So you know we had to hook up some finger lick’n nails…all the necessities for your ‘Q: Hot Dogs, Chips ‘n Dip (please believe those are real chips and French onion dip, we certainly don’t play, especially when it comes to nails…and food!), Drank, Hamburger on a Sesame seed bun, and some watermelon!”

So basically, the Trailer lovers of Middle America have figured out how to one up the Ghetto Fat-ulous of NYC.  Be afraid, be very afraid and a little hungry.  These nails are finger licking bad.

j

Kanye needs to keep his buddies in check. We understand where you come from, there is no need to advertise it. If you’re going to rep for the hood, there is no need to be so blatantly obvious about it. “Hood Love.” Okay, we understand; you’re ghetto, you love the hood.

I’m not sure what this guy has on his head, but it looks like he cut the head off a poncho and decided to add a matching hat and be a poster child for MGM. Buddy, you have to chose what you’re repping for. You have way too much going on here.

We need to have a talk about the grills. In case no one told you, the grills are not attractive and we can understand you’re ghetto without them. They look painful and quite honestly it hurts to look at the wearer. The grills do absolutely nothing, except expose teeth that look as if they have undergone countless cavities. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for us; get rid of them.

The only thing that may impress the public about this guy is that he’s not wearing Kanye’s famous glasses. It’s the only thing saving him from suicide.

In a recent trip from New York City to Boston, I stopped at a McDonalds and have recently become a born again McDonalds fan. However despite the fact that I love the greasy death trap that is McDonalds, I would never be caught dead branding my ass with two golden arches. The only one who should own and wear these pants woud be ghetto fab Ronald McDonald. What is fashionable about a store that boasts about their dollar menu? Please pardon my ignorance while I objectify the entire ghetto rap community. Every rapper raps about money, hoes, cars and drugs. They are all ballers and they love expensive booze and food. So what is ghetto and cool about McDonalds pants? You are more or less wearing a banner that says I am broke and l love showering my face in McDonalds fryer grease, but if you get in my half broken down 1985 Honda I can spit a dope freestyle or two. If your going to make fast food fashionable go all out and start dressing like Colonel Sanders.

Definitely one of the most enjoyable videos of the day. Also one of the reasons I plan to invest in a taser today.

Nothing says ghetto fabulous better than cornrows, so if you want to look hoodtastic you better fill your head with as many of these scalp destroying braids as possible. Mena Suvari has perfected the look in Stuck, in which she plays a black woman who hit a homeless man with her car, decided not to remove him, and let him die while he was still in the window. Classy.

What a tick. Mena Suvari’s playing a black chick?  What the fuck is that about

P.S. I have no problem when blacks choose to wear cornrows, but when white chicks do it, it’s down right ghetto.

The ghettoness is daunting. This pict is from Craigslist. It features a self described “Mr.Right” flashing what appears to be $240 bucks. This is the best way to look ghetto and have women (with the exception of strippers and hookers) ignore you.  The money shot is a tried and true ghetto thing to do, so if you’re attempting it, and you’re not trying to be ironic, realize that you suck and no one takes you seriously.

We pulled this image from Gawker which also features this loserific dudes voicemail, as he threatens to sue the online giant for making fun of him. Last time I check, Craigslist was public domain buddy. If you’re looking for privacy, you might want to hawk up a couple of bucks and get your sorry ass on Match.com, or PrisonMatch.com, which I’m assuming is the exact same thing except their are more people in jail on it who like soft Rican ass.

P.S. Thanks for making so many of us look bad with these photos. Mucho apreciado.

Listen to the Gawker Voicemail Here

Everyone seems to be freaking the fuck out about these snaps from the House of Dereon’s new kids collection. Apparently someone doesn’t think “fuck me” pumps and five year olds mix. Personally, I don’t think this message is to far off from the one we’ve been promoting on the Disney Channel or in tabloid media. Women are discovering at a much younger age the need to be “sexualized”. Yes, it is disgusting, but like the Miley Cyrus backlash, this is just another attempt to place blame in the wrong direction. Should you be pissed at Beyonce’s momma for hawking this shit, or at the idiots who buy it for their kids?

Personally, while I do think the collection is extremely tacky, I don’t see anything wrong with heels on little girls. What girl or boy hasn’t attempted to walk in their mom’s heels (It was once, I was 6, and had it not been caught on tape it probably wouldn’t have been as big as a deal as it has become. Especially, love it when Mama Saynt shows it to my prospective love interests. Nothing says question your boyfriend’s sexuality faster than a video of him strutting in stilletoes. Thanks mom.)? Regardless, I think it’s weird to see girls at such a young age in heels, skinny jeans, and make-up, but isn’t this how children are displayed on shows like The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, Hanna Montana, and High School Musical?

Where should we draw the line when it comes to decency amongst children? Oh, yeah at home. If you don’t want your kids looking like tramps, don’t buy it, but quit being such a mom blogger and freaking out about it on the web, it’s annoying and know one cares about you flipping opinion.

Yeah, this seems bad, but it could be a lot, lot worse..

Apple Bottoms for babies?

The Satchel pointed this out to us a few days ago, but I noticed the look in my native village of The Bronx about a year ago. The beloved characters of Kelloggs cereals are getting some major street cred by becoming the imagery on a new set of street wear. Hoodies featuring Snap, Crackle and Pop, Toucan Sam, and even the rooster from Corn Flakes have hit the street and are being worn by cereal enthusiasts everywhere. This is probably the stupidest thing ever.

I know that most folks who dress in streetwear don’t mind looking like giant billboards for companies like Rocawear and Sean John, but at least those brands bring some level of status (as in, “Wow, RayRay can afford to buy Rocawear. He must be mad ballin yo.” Yes, I just assume that’s how everyone from the streets talk so please, BE OFFENDED), but do you really think people will mistake you for a “playa pimp” if you’ve replaced Tony Montana for Tony the Tiger? Check yourself, before you wreck yourself, son.

“Follow Your Nose” coupled with pointing to his ass makes me think he’s after more than a balanced breakfast.