There is something about fur on guys that never really looks right, and I think that unless it’s a rare occasion men in general shouldn’t be wearing fur. So when it comes to fur rimmed hoods I am beginning to form a deep hatred for the fashion statement. First and foremost the fur doesn’t even keep you warm, and to top it off 99% of the jackets with a fur rimmed hood aren’t even real fur. I think that the only appropriate time to wear a jacket like this is if you are performing in some sort of dog sled race or if you’re skiing, other than that there is no need for fur. I don’t think I need to continue my rant, but this is a trend that needs to just die.

You know what really upsets me? People who take an awesome new trend and shit all over it. I was wearing headbands before the hippie wannabes came along, and now everyone in Ugg boots and their grandmothers have them. Remember owl necklaces? I got the coolest one at an old lady thrift store four years ago and wore it all the time. That is until they were mass produced, and I wished for a real one to eat my eyeballs.

…And now they are crapping all over hair pieces. What the hell were these ladies thinking with the hats? I feel the need to grab my knickers from the back of my closet, hire some backup dancers and perform “Yankee Doodle Dandy” in historic colonial Williamsburg, VA. Don’t get me wrong, I love hats. And I love feathers on hats. But turning a cute trend into a “Pirates of the Caribbean” remix is uncalled for.

Thanks Fabulousness

Yeah, That's What's Happening...

I’m totally over this economy. Honestly it’s very taxing on me. Not only as a journalist who is required to write about the latest in fashion (not easy to do when the only news is bad news) but also as a business man who is in the process of creating a fashion empire that will rival Vogue. Now thinking that the current financial situation might make such mainstays tumble freaks me the fuck out and makes me wish for a better outcome than what’s undoubtingly going to happen.

To say we’re going to be affected is an understatement. This is going to rock the fashion world. Even the most posh designers and editors are going to shit their pants when this is all said and done. Fashion week will be the first showing of how effected the industry will be. You’ll have designers who just won’t show up to the party and some that will cut costs by showcasing videos or staging presentations with manaquins and then all these models will have reason not to eat, lack of income.

I’m one for oppulence. I live to talk about out of reason fashions and $15,000 Louis Vuitton luggage sets. I can’t take another second of this economy another minute in which my old designer friend calls me up to call it quits. I hope this passes quickly cause once you’ve donated your life to parties featuring rock stars and coked out trust funders it’s hard to turn back. So basically start spending cash again quick and be sure to buy local, I have a couple of buddies who have to fund their thread groupies drug addictions.

Ok you sickos, get your minds out of the gutter! Fashionista beat me to the punch, but this topic has been on my mind for quite some time now…how big is too big? It seems like the Olsen twins pioneered the whole big n’ baggy look with their oversized plaid, sweaters, blazers and tees. Sure, they’re comfortable, roomy and oftentimes hide body flaws, but oversized garments are not flattering. Clothes are meant to fit, at least in some respect. If you’re out and about in a XXL sweater, the sleeves devouring your short arms and the body, more like a dress than anything else, people are going to peg it as a hand-me-down, a thrift-store buy or a means to hide the bun in the oven.  Yes, some clothes are designed to be oversized, but at least those that are well-made fit in the shoulders, are the proper length for your arms and don’t drown out your bust. 

And if swimming in excess fabric weren’t bad enough, swimming in excess designer fabric is worse! Ok, cool, you’ve got a $800 Zac Posen blazer, but who in their right mind would make such an investment on a size 10 if you wear a size 2! The Olsen twins may have the money to throw around for their XL attire, but at the end of the day, fitted is more professional, more elegant and more chic! So, go give that 3XL tee of yours to that homeless family to sleep in. 

Thanks Fashionista!

The minute Max Azria, fashion designer and founder of BCBG, decided to reinvent the Hervé Léger bandage dress, he gave women everywhere the biggest excuse to hide their flaws and still look like a goddess. It didn’t matter if you had love handles, a little chub around the middle or saggy boobs, the Hervé Léger bandage dress could suck you in, prop you up and give you that perfect figure. Now, I’m not saying that women with a little extra meat on their bones shouldn’t look slim and stunning when they go out, I’m just saying that the Hervé Léger bandage dress is everywhere, and it has to go. I am so sick of seeing these bands of fabric wrapped around women, sucking in every last bit, until they look like the sickly 2006 version of Lindsay Lohan. And to make matters worse, it is annoying to see women with knockout bodies and amazing style (aka Victoria Beckham) wear something so common and completely not necessary for their body type. Please ladies, save the bandages for the boo boos or the Spring 2009 mummy trend.

Their rhymes are weak. Their style sucks. And they can’t dance for shit.

Why are they becoming popular?

Oh, yeah cause people are fucking stupid and easily fall for a gimmick.

The Jazzy Jeff/Pre-Million Dollar Movie Deal Will Smith look was never cool. These guys haven’t even attempted to make the look interesting by updating it. It looks like they just watched a full season of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and photocopied everything they saw. You’re not the new hipster, you’re not even close to being a blipster and I refuse to consider your shitty attempt to rehash the 90’s it’s own style category other than Napper (Nerd + Rapper = Nappers) because you are seriously putting us all to sleep. What’s so annoying is that this was purposely started. I’m sure it was a conversation at some Billyburg Salvation Army that got these boys talking about wearing 90’s retro wear and now they’re doing it and stinking up the streets with their visual vomit endouching style.

I’m starting to miss the good old days of rap, when cocaine and heroine dealers like Jay Z and Biggie Smalls ran the streets of Brooklyn. Now with all the white kids moving in we get vanilla flavored attempt at gansta.

So let it be known far and wide. The Retro Kids = Nappers. Kids that dress like they tripped into Kid n Play’s closet = Nappers. The Fresh Prince’s of Brooklyn = Nappers.

And I fucking hate Nappers.

I keep seeing images of Selma Blair and Molly Shannon from their new series Kath & Kim.  I’ve never found Selma Blair interesting, but I was excited when I heard Patricia Field was doing wardrobe for a new show — until I saw the pictures. I haven’t seen it or its British counterpart, nor do I plan to.  

I get it, they’re dysfunctional, quirky, zany, kooky, suburban, etc.  

Generally I LOVE British comedies.  But this seems like Absolutely Fabulous all over again.  I tried to like the show.  Really.  I’m sure someone will freak out when they read this.  I’ll give it another chance, though; it’s been a few years.  Maybe I was too young to “get” it.  But I remember the clothes.  I guess I can get all the skanky irony and humor of wearing such outfits.  But … I just can’t get behind this.  It’s all a little played out, and I prefer creativity over kitschy.  

P.S.  Did Kath & Kim even make it past its first episode?

“Might as well be a bullseye.” The quote was made popular by hilarious movie Wedding Crashers, but this terrible tattoo location has been popular for far too long. If you’re not positive of the exact definition of a tramp stamp, allow me to enlighten you with my own take on the phrase:

“>

1.) It must be placed on the lower back. The middle of the tattoo hits the spine, and the rest usually fits between the love handles.

2.) The tattoo’s design frequently has no intelligent meaning. It’s mostly a gross object (heart, butterfly, fairy etc.) placed in the middle of two lines of scribble.

At times, the tattoo is not done well. This is caused by the snowball effect: the artist thinks it’s ridiculous, is laughing uncontrollably and, in turn, probably has a shaky hand.

Tramp stamps are the tattoo equivalent to MTV’s spring break in Cancun. You did it when you were young, stupid and severely intoxicated. But what to think when you see a middle-aged man driving a car with a holographic pink tramp stamp on the bumper? Is it a mid-life crisis or the castration of a pushover dad on his daughter’s 16 birthday? Why don’t you be the judge; I am too over it to think.

Thanks to Caitlin Prarat’s Canon 40D for the epic car photo

http://caitlinprarat.synthasite.com/

These days its really nice to see people commit themselves to one another. With the high rate of infidelity and whatnot during the past decade, it’s always comforting to see a devout husband reject a night with the guys, flirting with college girls at the local Hooters or a best friend turn down free tickets to Saturday Night Live to watch you butcher it at open mic night. But this, the Fanta girl look, has taken commit to a whole new, disturbing level. Why has it become necessary for chick bands to dress alike? If it isn’t the same outfit in a different color, it is the same color scheme with similar accessories! Please ladies, where is the individuality? Feast your eyes:

The Fanta Girls

TLC

3LW

The Spice Girls

Destiny's Child

The Cheetah Girls

The Pussycat Dolls

The Saturdays

Please ladies, the love is beautiful and all, but leave the matchy matchy up to identical twins, the junior class powderpuff football team or a dance group on America’s Best Dance Crew!

There is nothing more annoying than coming home from work and discovering that someone or something has ruined your stuff. The dog ripped your leather bag to shreds, the cat tore the couch cushions apart or water leaked into your closet and ruined five pairs of your shoes (yes, this happened to me two weeks ago). Some of these incidents cannot be avoided due to animal instinct or old apartment buildings. But in certain situations, a bit of careful thought goes a long way to prevent the after-work-oh-fuck mishap. I’m sure you’ve all heard of the Bedazzler. Referred to as “the hottest craft item in America” on MyBedazzler.com, this thing can do some serious damage. I would know because I had one, and I used it without mercy. Anything left out in the war zone was free game for mass destruction- canvas shoes, leather jackets, stuffed animals, silk ties and even dirty socks. I had a denim hat that was so Bedazzled, it weighed 7 pounds and gave me migraines. Luckily, this phase wore off and my family’s possessions are finally safe. But I see grown women, men and campus students who are going though the same horrors and turmoil my kin once experienced. Their shining beacons of studded denim jackets, handbags and hats stands as a warning for everyone who owns or knows some one who owns this crafty little tyrant: IT’S TIME TO DITCH THE BEDAZZLERS!

There isn’t much to do when you’re a 16-year-old suburban teenager who just got her driver’s license. The novelties of sitting at Starbucks and hanging out at Denny’s wear off really fast. Luckily (I think), my friends and I found a Sunday night teen dance party at a club in Akron, OH. It was a country western themed bar called “The Boot” that locked away it honky-tonk tunes and cowboy boots on the day of rest so bored teenagers could fill it to fire-hazard capacity. We strategically planned a “study sleepover,” kissed our parents goodbye, filled water bottles with 99 Bananas and piled into someone’s rusty car. For a fee of $5, you got sweaty teens grinding on each other, bad rap music, the occasional knife-fight and a vast sea of skanktastic fashion.

I usually wore a tank top and jeans, both made of natural fabrics that covered the better part of my body. But the majority of girls looked like a spandex/glittered/backless mess. Sequined butterfly tops barely covering the nipples were strapped onto overly tan torsos with single flimsy strings. Ass-crack revealing jeans that were certainly not Alexander McQueen caused a stir when getting low with Lil’ John. I’m sure the bartenders swept up a literal ton of glitter at the end of the night. Unfortunately, I sometimes still see this club wear popping up around the neighborhood. I hope you enjoyed my trip down memory lane. Lamentably, some adults haven’t grown out of this stage yet.

Thanks to GreatGlam.com for the truly horrifying photos!

You’re not Captain Jack Sparrow. You’re not a grave-digger. You’re not an archeologist. So what’s the deal with all of these skull adorned clothes, shoes and accessories? Just because you’ve got a silk scarf with a skull on it doesn’t make you a bad-ass or even fashionable. Sorry skull lovers, you look death obsessed and borderline suicidal. Do yourself a favor and bury your skull crap before it starts to rot anymore than it already has.

Thanks for the photos Popgloss!

Some skanky Hockey Mom.

Amy Poehler...the "cool" mom in Mean Girls.

Let’s face it, there is nothing cool about moms that wear pink velour Juicy Couture sweatsuits, flaunt their belly-button piercings, show off their cleavage to their kid’s friends, smell like a baby prostitute or wear Rock and Republic jeans. Really, anyone over the age of 40 that goes out looking like they are about to hit up a high school dance should be given a reality check. Yes, you are old. No, you shouldn’t be wearing your 14-year-old daughter’s clothes. Yes, you turn heads…but not in a good way. No, you are not cool.

If there is one thing I really applaud, it is a woman who embraces her age and dresses for it. Dressing like a “mom” doesn’t mean you lose fashion and sex appeal. My mom looks killer in her Ralph Lauren blazers, Brooks Brothers sweaters and Calvin Klein jeans…and seeing that she has been married to my dad for 31 years means she must be looking good! 

Take my advice. If your mom has nicer clothes than you do, gets her nails done more frequently, dyes her hair obsessively and compliments your friend on her “stellar” heels, I recommend you ditch her while she’s shopping at Guess and head for higher ground. In the meantime, I’ll be hitting up 5th Ave with my cool mom.

So two of our writers simultaneously decided to write about their hatred for headbands…

From Andy Wass

What are these even called? I need to differentiate them from regular headbands. So forehead bands are obviously for when you’re going for the Bret Michaels/goddess look.

Now, I generally LOVE bohemian and Native American-inspired looks.  But the reason I’m sick of these little headbands is because, as Mischa Barton has showed us countless times, they are SO difficult to pull off, yet girls insist on wearing them.  I don’t know if my hair is too greasy, or my head is deformed, but when I’ve tried to wear a string around my face, it only stays in place until I start moving or sneeze or talk or breathe or blink. Then it slides down or up and makes the top of my hair resemble a bicycle helmet.

Also, my general philosophy is that if everyone is wearing the same thing, I become such the contrarian and trend-stopper.  I’m tempted to sneak downtown with a pair of scissors and just snip these headbands off girls’ heads while they aren’t looking.  So please let your brains relax and keep your hair dent-free.

First image from Urban Outfitters.

From Yael Friedman

Ever wonder why some celebrities seem so stupid? I mean not just dropped on the head as a baby dumb, or raised by Britney Spears dumb, but really missing a chromosome or two dumb. It just might be cuz they have giant sticks up there asses, but, wait, that’s not it, since most of them got that removed the first time they rushed to the docs for lipo.

So what’s the answer?

This fashion detective finally figured it out; it’s those wicked tight headbands worn Indian Chief Style that keeps the oxygen from flowing into their brains. It’s this which leads them to say and do things that seem totally insane to normal people. This is not meant to diss headbands or Native Americanos, but when you’re wearing a headband that makes you loose all feeling in your brain, then you are caught talking about the evils of the world and why no one is fetching you your Redbull, it’s time to take it off.

Sidenote, is it just me or have you noticed that when a celebrity gets arrested they’re usually wearing something around her head? Coincidence?  I think not…

Indies, let me know which opinion you agree with more!

Oh the bastard child of suburbia and commercial retail, how I loathe you. Indoors, outdoors, wherever you may be, please fuck off. Unfortunately for Northeastern Ohio, malls are the only options available for shopping. Yes, there are a few, small locally run boutiques and novelty shops, but they are found very far and few between.

It’s not just the establishment itself, but what malls hold inside may scare those who have never shopped there before. Merry-go-rounds holding screaming children and bored parents. Massive herds of 13-year-old, jean skirt-wearing, white eyeliner-eyeballed monsters whining at Tommy or Jimmy to “stop poking her in the boob.” Clowns making balloon animals and painting faces while cackling profusely. Not to mention Ugg displays, women sprinting after you with stinky perfume samples, the smell of rotting fast food, cell phone kiosks and weirdoes stealing pennies from disease ridden fountains. As I am forced to bear the dangerous elements associated with malls, I realize what won’t kill me will only make me stronger. And it makes me incredibly grateful for the freestanding stores that await me in New York.

For shame Paris! You should be embarrassed!

Whoever decided that the resurrection of puffy vests for Fall 2008 was acceptable is terribly mistaken. Take a sleeping bag, throw a zipper on it, and several of your cat’s regurgitated hair balls and you’ve got yourself another hideous puffy vest. I know, I know…they can be substituted for a coat in the cooler months and are oh, so cozy warm. Well, I don’t care. You look like another one of those preppy, Abercrombie obsessed conformists with no taste. And did you ever consider how many teddy bears could have been made out of this sorry excuse for fashion? I could have sworn that puffy vests were long gone when the last leaf fell in Fall 2007, so why on earth am I already seeing them out again? Personally, I’d rather be smothered to death by a puffy vest than be caught dead wearing one. 

Thanks for the photos The Budget Babe.

Totally the hat my grandpa wore to his POW meetings

Silly girl, rock/grunge wannabes don't smile.

You better know when to fold'em.

Something about having too much eyeshadow and not enough death metal on your iPod always manages to throw me off. A look that’s being raised from the dead in beauty is literally a look that makes you look like you just walked off the set of Thriller. The black-eyed, overly mascaraed trend is one which needs to rest in peace. No woman looks good like this, with the exception of true grungers/rocker types,  but it’s only made so much worse in the collection of Ashish cause the face doesn’t seem to match the collection, which looks like a mix of Mary-Kate meets Grannies Bridge club in Florida. Of course, when we saw a similar attempt at Alexander Wang’s last season, which was a truly rock-derivative collection, it was all the rage, but here the Raccoon is all the wrong you need to avoid.

On the other side of the coin, some of you may argue that raccoons are cute little creatures with a sense of mischief that is fun to imitate through eye shadow. Let me warn you the image on the next page may shock you and completely change your ideas of raccoons.

DO NOT CLICK IF YOU ARE FAINT OF HEART OR DON’T APPRECIATE SOME RIKERS ISLAND STYLE ACTION IN THE MORNING.