The next issue of Vanity Fair is about the same old comedy people we’ve been laughing at for the past 4 years. Considering Seth Rogen’s last movie was a flop (the one where he’s in a porno), Paul Rudd is most remembered for not being a douchebag, and that fat one isn’t that funny when he’s not opposite George Micheal from Arrested Development, it seems a bit like this group is a bunch of dudes we already laugh at (and didn’t need to reminder to do so from Vanity Fair).

LINKAGE: Seth Rogen & Paul Rudd Cover Vanity Fair

1.) The Ear Muff: There is no easier way to look like a Wall Street douche bag than ear muffs, especially the behind the head ones. Ear muffs are like the shitty stocking stuffer gift that your crazy Aunt Myrtle buys you for Christmas. The main selling point for these stupid things is that you can wear them with out messing up your hair. If you are that conscious about how you look you should know better than to wear something so stupid. 

Alternatives: Buy a nice knit hat that will keep your ears warm in the frigid weather. I recommend the Marc Jacobs one that is currently on my head. It’s $45 and it’s cashmere, it’s heaven.

2.) Cargo Pants: As Jonah Hill said in Superbad, “No one’s gotten a hand-job in cargo pants since Nam.” Enough said.

Alternatives: Anything with two leg holes and a reasonable number of pockets (5 or less).

3.) Face Mask: I really am blown away at how many people I see wearing these on a daily basis. There are so many different options that can make you look like you aren’t going to rob the Duane Reade on the corner. I can understand if your ugly, or you have a bit of clap residue on your lip from the stripper the night before, but come on Hannibal Lecter ditch the mask.

Alternatives: The easiest way to combat this stupidity is just pull your scarf up over your face. Grab a cool scarf from any retailer for like $20 and your all set. 

4.) The Bubble Jacket: In a society where being “fat” isn’t looked upon with too generous of an eye, why would you want a jacket that makes you look that much bigger? It never really gets that cold in the city where you would need a goose down jacket to brave the elements. If you are going to shoot a documentary on penguins in Alaska I’m all for it, but if you are walking five blocks to work there are other options that won’t have you looking like someone from a rap music video.

Alternatives: Any normal coat. For extra warmth try a thicker wool coat, possibly with a fur (or faux fur) lining. A bit of layering never hurt anyone either!

5.) The Leather Trench Coat: Hey Morpheus the leather trench coat is no longer acceptable in the Matrix either. I was blown away when I saw someone wearing one of these on the subway this morning. Ever wonder what happens to those cows that are slaughtered for McDonald’s burger? They just hose it off, cut arm holes in it and tie the tail around the waist, resulting in a beautiful leather trench coat. So if you continue to wear this coat I’m going to ask that you sit your robot ass in the corner next to the dude from Grandma’s Boy.

Alternatives: A normal length leather jacket, or a normal trench that isn’t leather. I’m a personal fan of the Surface to Air x Justice jackets.