All Entries Tagged With: "malls"

Angelina Jolie’s Newest Humanitarian Effort… Saving the Malls of America

A while back, we wrote an article on why we hate malls…here’s another reason to add to the list.

This hand-carved marble fountain depicting Angie breast feeding her twins has just been unveiled in the Enchanted Food Court in the southwest wing of America’s largest shopping mall, right between Hot Dog on a Stick and Cinnabon.

“The fountain has quickly become a beloved shrine to the thousands of wild-eyed pilgrims flocking to fall upon their knees and worship her Holiness,” says it’s designer.

Mall authorities are thrilled with the response and recently told local news, “Sales are through the roof now that we’ve debuted the Saint Angelina Fountain and merchants such as Chicos, Cinnabon and Illuminations are seeing record sales numbers.”

Saving the economy one breast at a time…

Thanks Gallery of the Absurd

I’m Over It: Malls

Oh the bastard child of suburbia and commercial retail, how I loathe you. Indoors, outdoors, wherever you may be, please fuck off. Unfortunately for Northeastern Ohio, malls are the only options available for shopping. Yes, there are a few, small locally run boutiques and novelty shops, but they are found very far and few between.

It’s not just the establishment itself, but what malls hold inside may scare those who have never shopped there before. Merry-go-rounds holding screaming children and bored parents. Massive herds of 13-year-old, jean skirt-wearing, white eyeliner-eyeballed monsters whining at Tommy or Jimmy to “stop poking her in the boob.” Clowns making balloon animals and painting faces while cackling profusely. Not to mention Ugg displays, women sprinting after you with stinky perfume samples, the smell of rotting fast food, cell phone kiosks and weirdoes stealing pennies from disease ridden fountains. As I am forced to bear the dangerous elements associated with malls, I realize what won’t kill me will only make me stronger. And it makes me incredibly grateful for the freestanding stores that await me in New York.