So I try to be all cool New Yorker about celebrities … I know they’re just regular people. But they’re regular people that are hyper-attractive that pretty much everyone recognizes. So when they actually seem like interesting, intelligent people, I’m all the more drawn to them—but I have some respect (for them and for myself) so when I see celebs I leave them alone.

However, if I were ever to run into Natalie Portman and her beau Devendra Banhart, I might a) melt b) squeal c) lose my ability to speak. I have a total girl-crush on Natalie and a real crush on Devendra and together … yum. They just seem so cool, and they’re so pretty and adorable together … and … that’s the only coherent thought you’re going to be getting out of me for now …

Seriously Nat, what is this thing. I know love is blind, but I’m not so here are the ten things wrong with your new man.

1. He looks like that fat bouncer dude from all the Misshapes party. You know, that door bitch that always smelled like b.o. and wore pants four times smaller than his waist line. Yeah, him only a lot thinner.

2.  He stole your sunglasses…

3. And your handbag…

4. And your jeans…

5. Plus he’s wearing a peacoat. Only sailors or those railed in the ass by them wear peacoats.

6. He’s smelly (okay that might not be true, but he looks it)

7. Plus his career’s a joke. No one dates rockstars these days. It’s all about sports stars and internet start-up geniuses (aka Daniel Saynt, Rebecca doesn’t have to know ;-P  )

8. Did I mention the bag…

9. He looks like a white Andre J.  Actually he might be Andre J in drag. Man-drag.

10. Your parents hate him. I know they must.

P.S. I must hate. It’s against my nature not to.

Also before anyone starts developing cute nicknames for you two, here’s mine, BanMan as in ban this man out of your life… at least until your stylist comes and helps him