- Paris Hilton‘s smelling all the way to the bank. The heiress has been standing (and probably occasionally kneeling) on her own two  for some time now and she’s claimed that since 2005 her fragrances have brought in over $1 billion. If only I had gotten in on the sex tape market before that bubble burst. [Just Jared]

- Ladies in London stood up for their vaginal pride in a Muff March back in December. [VICE]

- Tumblr is getting into the editorial game, hiring a crack team of journalists to “help promote stories people write and share” on the popular blogging platform. Since its inception, 30 of Tubmlr’s blogs have landed book deals, meaning that we can look forward to the further disintegration of literature and a couple more  Fuck Yeah! tomes for good measure. [Gawker]

- Isaac Mizrahi is now a married woman! Mizrahi sat down with his sister from another mister Wendy Williams, revealing that he had recently married his boyfriend of six years. Turns out Wendy and Isaac share the same wedding date, though Mizrahi chose to elope to city hall in lieu of a big ceremony. However, Mizrahi’s not taking a one-year anniversary to-do off the table and naturally he would get Vera Wang to design his gown. [Styleite]

- In other same-sex couple news, the Will Smith-Jada Pinkett divorce rumor fire gets further stoked with the latest news that Jada has hired celebrity divorce lawyer Laura Wasser. [Huff Po]

- For the first time — but certainly not the last — in history, digital music sales surpassed physical sales. Lady Gaga is 2011′s most streamed artist; Nicki Minaj‘s “Superbass” the most-streamed song; and Adele‘s 21 and “Rolling in the Deep” the best-selling digital album and song, respectively. [CNN]

- Lauryn Hill‘s gorgeous 12-year-old daughter Selah Marley is a dead-ringer for her mommie dearest. [The YBF]

- Ryan Murphy cast leading ladies from his two hit shows, American Horror Story and Glee – including Lea Michele, Dianna Agron and future Emmy-winner Naya Rivera – in an editorial homage to his favorite horror movies for Elle. As usual, Amber Riley is conspicuously absent, but considering twas a horror-themed shoot, she was probably killed off in the first 5 minutes. [Elle]

-  French fashion chain La Redoute was apparently asleep at the wheel when it ok’d this image from its latest campaign featuring four adorable kids…and a naked man not-so discreetly (un)tucked into the background. Either that, or this is an ad for their newest To Catch a Predator children’s line. [Styleite via Stylist]

- And speaking of former reality stars I didn’t know/care were still around, Paris Hilton on the cover of Vanity Fair Spain, ladies and gentlemen. [Huffington Post]

- Derek Lam has issued a cease-and-desist letter to Ivanka Trump claiming she “blatantly and intentionally copied” his Ayami wedge sandal. Well she’s a Trump, did you think she’d copy it with any degree of subtlety? [WWD]

- The Kardashians are suing Star Magazine for libel after the tabloid broke news that they were using child labor and sweatshops in China to manufacture their products. Turns out the head of the Institute for Global Labor and Human Rights was operating on hearsay and assumption. Did no one ever tell him that when you assume you make an ass out of Kim, Kourtney and Khloe — and they can do that fine all by themselves, thank you. [TMZ]

- For some over-privileged boys and girls, Christmas will come a few days late this year.  Due to technical issues of some sort, Barneys has had to cancel several online holiday orders. No, Virginia, there isn’t a Santa Claus because Santa’s IT elves are slacking this season. [Racked]

- Carine Roitfeld‘s had one hell of a year and she wants everyone at Vogue Paris to know it, especially that Emmanuelle Alt. Regarding the loss of Alt’s friendship after 10 years, Roitfeld had this to say: “Maybe this was not supposed to be a friendship. If I look at the balance, maybe I lost some people I thought were my friends, but I made so many new friends. I am very happy, in the end, because I am the winner.” Well, it’s nice to know she’s not bitter. [NYT]

Photos by KirillWasHere

TO WIN: Comment below, with your Facebook profile picture as your Halloweenified self, and tell us what you are.Too scandalous for your profile pic? Send it to us at contest@fashionindie.com. Or tweet us a pic @fashionindie #HalloweenShowdown. We’re picking one guy and one girl. Go!

The most Fearless Female wins:

3 Jewel FX glitter polishes from Milani, Got2b Spiking Glue, Elizabeth Grant Socializer and 3 Light Up Your Lips glosses, Perfume by Paris Hilton (princess of [slutty] Halloween costumes), Silver Linings shoe liners, Violent Lips rainbow lip tattoos, and Milani green liquid eyeliner.

The most gruesomely gorgeous guy wins:

A skull bow tie from The Tie Bar, and Got2b Spiking Glue, UNLTD Marc Ecko cologne, and a DJ Chachi original mixtape and wayfarers.

“Justin and Selena as One”

- Off-Off-Opera head! Yeah Yeah Yeahs frontwoman Karen O will “assault…the tragic joys of youth” when she bring her “psycho-opera” to St. Ann’s Warehouse in DUMBO, Brooklyn from Oct. 13-16. [Paper]

- The Kanye West clothing line is a go! After Central Saint Martins prof Louise Wilson confirmed that the Louis Vuitton don was indeed working on a collection, turns out Harper’s Bazaar Australia‘s Christine Centenera and knitwear designer Louise Goldin are lending him their helping hands. [Styleite]

- Mulberry is killing it and not taking prisoners. Valued at over a billion pounds, the British label has left all other fashion roadkill in their wake to become the world’s best-performing fashion house, thanks in large part to Alexa Chung and her eponymous bag. [Telegraph]

- And speaking of roadkill, how do you feel about wearing some run-over possum on your head? [Guardian]

- Rihanna: “I don’t think I could walk down the street wearing bubbles or a dress made of ham, [but] what Lady Gaga has done has been kind of amazing. I am the opposite. I wear clothes I would wear on the street. I’m all about a real look.” The fact that RiRi looks like she’s working the street in said clothes is another matter. [Digital Spy]

- Paris Hilton walked out of an interview only to return after consulting her coach/agent when a reporter asked what we were all thinking: Has your moment passed? Some questions, however, answer themselves. [Digital Spy]

I love that Paris is rocking nude lipstick, a very difficult look to pull off. And could she actually be showing emotion with her eyes? Me thinks so and is fully engaged.

-  An alleged source allegedly close to Kate Moss has allegedly confirmed to Vogue UK that the super will wear a dress by John Galliano to marry Jamie Hince. I’m just glad they finally picked up my call. [Vogue UK]

- Stella McCartney will be launching a new line of lingerie called Josephine Marrying that will make its debut crumpled up in the corner of Kate Moss’ conjugal bedroom. [Olyafirst]

- Paris Hilton apparently has no idea what’s going on in or around her vagina anymore. [Jezebel]

- Justin Bieber and Jimmy Fallon hop on each other’s schtick to parody the Bieb’s “Someday” fragrance. [Styleite]

- A Teri Hatcher drag queen masquerading as The Countess Luann de Lesseps talks her way through another mediocre dance wannabe-hit, this time with the help of a fairly uninterested/drunk Jill Zarin and Kelly Bensimon. [Refinery29]

- Simon Doonan continues to be in the running for “World’s Best Person” with his advice to FIT grads: ”Make sure you have at least one drag queen in your life.” They’re very “life-affirming.” That’s the kind of real-world advice I like to hear. [Racked]

-Remember that time that Michelle Obama met Kate Middleton and I literally collapsed on the floor in a fit of screams and panting from all the fierceness. Because all of that happened. [The Cut]

- Behold new comedy duo Lady Gaga and David Letterman. They’re like an old Vaudeville act, if Vaudeville was full of ironic, egg-incubating popstars eating paper in nothing but a Viktor & Rolf jacket. Which it was. [Refinery29]

- A look back on the style of the romance of the century also known as Oprah and Gayle Stedman. [Fashionista]

- And of course, today is the last episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show. I haven’t seen it yet, but I can imagine when I do I will openly weep for hours until I eventually just turn into a pillar of salt. At least we still have OWN.

Celebrities and Fashion have always been synonymous. However, today more than ever, fashion magazines are featuring more celebrities than immigrants trying to get into the USA for their Green Card. In many cases these highly regarded magazines are using celebrities more often than Super Models for their covers. There are many reasons for this and in my opinion some of those decisions have more to do with the Politics of Fashion than the notoriety of the Celebrity.

Why is it that some of the Biggy Fashion Mags don’t feature Super Models, but do feature Celebrities from all sectors of the Entertainment Industry?  I believe that it is because they can’t get the Super Models for their magazines. In fact their are very few magazines that can get Super Models and find it a lot easier to get Celebrities to adorn the covers of their ELLE’s, Marie Claire’s etc…

It is true that Celebs sell and can attract a large audience, but when it comes to the giants vying for THAT Top Model, that is where only a few of the Biggies like VOGUE, Harper’s BAZAAR, ELLE and a few other more obscure, but none the less important magazines like Numéro, V and perhaps L’Officiel can get on occasion.

Of course many would argue that the reason that this or that fashion magazine are shooting Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears or Paris Hilton is because they sell magazines. That may be true, but I am quite sure that if all of the major and lesser influential fashion magazines attempted to compete for the creme de la creme of the modelling industry and could only get models and not celebrities, that the King of the heap would surface really quickly. You would see immediately by the standard of the models acquired who really rules the game.

Thus again the reason why Celebs act as a great draw that diverts the attention from the obvious omission from the covers of “Fashion” Magazines of Top Models. Why would a major fashion magazine want to be judged by their peers and the public based on the fact that so and so was on this magazines cover but not on theirs? Celebs are a kind of “Hey we have Paris on our cover wearing Gucci” and not “Hey we could only get so and so and so and so competitor Fashion magazine knows that we could only get so and so because of you know why…”

I am not saying that celebrities should not be on magazine covers. I am saying that a Fashion magazine should be a Fashion Magazine and not a people magazine. Models are part of the Fashion landscape and I am hoping that we can get back to the epoch where fashion magazines did what they did and did it well and leave the people’s magazines to People Magazine.

And lastly, celebrities seem to be more accessible than agents representing those models most of the fashion magazines would love to get on their covers but won’t. They and their PR people understand that the exposure they garner being seen on the cover of Redbook could aid in them getting their next big part in that 2012 blockbuster “Calender’s End”*

So the next time you see the cover of a magazine with a celeb on the cover, you may want to ask yourself, “Did they because they wanted to, or because so and so didn’t want to”.

* (I made that up)

by:Benjamin Kanarek

- Jimmy Choo is willing to spend £500 million — with the aid of a few backers — to regain his old namesake label. Now I guess Jimmy Choo will know how it feels to go broke trying to buy a pair of his shoes. [Fashionista]

- Leave it to Mimi to paint a butterfly on her soon-to-pop baby belly. Though by the looks of the artwork and the spelling of “dem babies,” methinks Mariah’s other little one, Nick Cannon must have gotten into the finger paints. They’re so cute at that age. [Perez Hilton]

- Lil Wayne covers the latest issue of Interview Magazine, wherein he gets grilled by alleged racist Paris Hilton. The two have surprisingly a lot in common, like they both know: what it’s like to be in jail; what it’s like to make it rain on strippers at 18 years old; and what it’s like to bitch slap Lindsay Lohan. Interview Mag: building bridges. [Refinery29]

- Lady Gaga celebrated her birthday the traditional way: by blowing out the candles on her birthday cake, wearing a nude body stocking and doing a mariachi cover of “Born This Way.”  [Twitter/YouTube]

- Prince Harry threw brother William a stag party this weekend and though the affair was private and sealed off from the prying eyes of the paparazzi, rest assured that “Prince William dropped his trousers and downed pints of bitter as he and brother Harry gave their royal cousin a boozy stag weekend to remember.” Whatever that means. [Daily Beast]

- The Celebrity Meltdown has become the golden ram for the press these days. Catch a celeb on their drunken, coked-up, hooker-drenched downfall and the issues go flying off the stand. So it’s good to know who may or may be following in Charlie Sheen‘s winning footsteps, though I think we all know Miley is a safe bet. [College Candy]

- Gisele‘s ads for H&M have been slightly altered for the Dubai marketplace. The supers luscious limbs and daring decolletage are covered up by some sort of digital spanx. Dubai has been so conservative ever since those Sex and the City (2) gals rode in on their humps…and camels. [Fashionista]

Photo: Fashionista

- When she was just an 18 year old up and coming skank, rather than the seasoned vet she is now, Paris Hilton apparently couldn’t “stand black guys.” Which would explain why she forced Nicole Richie to have that sexual reassignment surgery before The Simple Life 2. [Gawker]

- There are few words in the English language that inspire confidence as much as “Lifetime Original Movie.” Inspired by true events (i.e. based on what some intern read in OK! Magazine), William & Kate chronicles the legendary romance between Prince William and his lady Kate Middleton. The movie premieres April 18, 11 days before the royal wedding, meaning they basically threw this movie together during a 5-day coke binge. [YouTube]

- Androgynous ladyman, Andrej Pejic sees why many would compare him to transexual supermodel Lea T., but he thinks he’s more versatile. “When it comes to our professional lives, well she only does women’s wear and I think I cover more fields.” The only thing I have to say to that, missy, is never underestimate a tranny. They’ll soon cut you as look at you. [Fashionologie]

- William Shatner is 80 years old today. Capt. Kirk is still working, still schticking and still getting us the best price on hotels, air travel and car rentals, proving once again that the pre-baby-boomers come from a much heartier stock than the rest of us. Shatner, Betty White and Cloris Leachman could probably carry the entire NY Giants football team on their arthritic backs without nary a complaint. [Daily Beast]

On this season’s aesthetic:

It’s sort of 20s/30s glamour meets East Village punkiness/funkiness. Imagine if Marie Antoinette fell out of the sky and landed in the middle of the East Village. We’re just going to let her have fun. But it’s going to be more refined and upscale.

On his partnership with Angelo:

Angelo’s kind of my design director, we’re a team, doing this line together. I hate titles, that’s the thing, but we’re having fun. We met on 7th St when I had my line, Heatherette, that was my studio. But he’s right across the street still on 7th St.  Keeping it real with the East Village. I was looking for someone to partner up with me and have fun and direct my crazy mind. It’s like when you decorate the Christmas tree, if you have too many ideas you need to edit it…I think Angelo brings refinement to my glittery fun.

On his upcoming runway show:

The show this season is on February 10th at the Hammerstein Ballroom. Fashion Week is usually very exclusive, invite only, but I’m opening my show up like a rock concert this year, letting people in who never really get a chance to go to a fashion show.

I never realized, like a lot of my friends that aren’t in the fashion industry,  I’ll invite them to my show and they’re like, “Oh my god, it was so much fun! I’ve never been to a fashion show before.” I always take it for granted because that’s what I do. It’s fun when people who haven’t experienced it get a chance to and see what it’s about. And it’s as much fun to watch the crowd as it is to watch the show.

This year I’m selling tickets to the show and proceeds go to DOsomething.org as well as Cookies for Kids’ Cancer, which is a charity for little kids who unfortunately have cancer. We have a good friend who passed away in the last couple days…It felt weird at first, selling tickets, but you know if you can help people it makes sense.

Then again this spring, I think I’m going to do another show to launch a partnership with a Fast Fashion House. I guess I’ll be the first designer that’s ever been the face of something they’ve done.

On casting models:

I look for personality. There are so many beautiful people out there that model. I don’t like one kind of look, I like everything. That’s why I love New York. It’s like an 80’s Bennetton ad. You have the amazing black girl with the Asian kid and the gay kid…I just think we all wear clothes, you don’t have to be a size 0 because beauty comes in all sizes.

On pre-Fashion Week jitters:

I don’t get nervous, really, it’s more like happy nerves, excited, energetic. I’m always like what if nobody shows up? I probably asked my mom that before my fifth birthday party. I don’t really get nervous or scared or intimidated, I’m more excited like it’s Christmas Eve. I just want everybody to come and have a good time.

The worst part is when something goes wrong, like when kids can’t get in or something’s wrong with the door. I’m backstage trying to get everything together and I have all these friends on the alert. You don’t know what’s going on and you end up getting in trouble the next three days or five months. That’s where the nerves come from. That’s the nerve-wracking part.

On other fashion shows he’s looking forward to:

I always look forward to all of it. I go to Marc Jacobs every year. He’s an old friend. I love him, he’s supported me a long time as well. But I just go with the flow. Fashion Week is such a rollercoaster, that’s why I like doing opening night because then it’s over with and I can just have fun.

On his celebrity friends walking the runway:

I didn’t really intend, when I started doing fashion shows, to have celebrities at the end. They just happened to be my friends and were out and about. A lot of people in the media are like, “Who are you having this season?” Your guess is as good as mine. I usually just call up some of my friends, ask if they want to do this. If it’s part of a charity, even better. It just kind of unfolds.

I’ll definitely have surprises this season. I don’t know the surprises until they happen. They’re really always last minute. Last year Ellen [Degeneres] finally called two days before [the show]…

I remember one season, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton were in a fight. So Paris is in one car and Britney is in another car. I went out to get them but they both knew each other was there. I didn’t know they were feuding and they decided not to come out of their cars.

And Kimora Lee was also walking so she’s like, “Well, where are Paris and Britney?” I said they’re not coming out and Kimora goes “Well I guess I’m the finale!”

Kimora was great, I like having other designers walk. I think it should all be a big family. I don’t believe in the whole competitive thing, we’re all having fun for the same reason.

On meeting his icons:

My friends enticed me to move to New York and I sort of moved here on a whim. The night I came they threw a party for me at this club in Union Square. I had long finger waves and was wearing this discoball-ish headpiece when Madonna walks up to me with a beer and a cigarette in hand.  She just kind of looked at me like, “Who is this?” and said, “Hey, what’s up?”

I’ve always been a huge fan, obviously, of hers – and I was just like, “WOW. I’m staying in New York!”

And the next night, I was living at the Hotel 17 in Gramercy Park with my friend Amanda Lepore, who was my neighbor and David Bowie was in the elevator with me. I grew up with my brother loving David Bowie. We ended up doing a photoshoot literally outside of my hotel room with Interviewmagazine. Then two nights later I met Debbie Harry!

New York came alive in a week. It just felt like it was meant to be. I think that’s why I appreciate fashion and pop culture so much: the sheer will of having a dream, letting it unfold and hopefully inspiring other people to realize their dreams. Which is what all those artists have done for me.

On his own style:

I pretty much wear everything from Dots and H&M mixed with Chanel, everything from Marc Jacobs to Prada, Dior, The Gap, vintage. I’m just all over the map. I think if you think too much it doesn’t make sense.

But on the flip side, if you do a fashion shoot and somebody else styles you, it’s fun to see how they envision you. Like popstars for example. It’s not really their vision, but somebody else giving it to them. Even Gaga, she’s bringing back to the surface what club kids did for years, but she’s smart about it. She has good people around her.

Kate Moss’s best friend, he’s gay, told me there’s always a good f****t around any fabulous girl. [laughs]

If you want a ticket to enter Richie’s glittery fun world, you can buy them here — that way you can be fabulous and support two great causes!

1. Go back to being a redhead. Everyone and their enabling mother is blonde in Hollywood these days. Linds looked her best with her natural auburn tresses, in spite of that tacky “Firecrotch” comment from that bloated piece of trash, Brandon Davis.

2. Take the Oscar bait. I’ve always regarded Lindsay as one of the more talented actresses of her generation. She has what few possess and what is impossible to teach: star quality. Oscar-winners Meryl Streep and Jane Fonda have both sung her praises, but she’s not going to get that little man dipped in gold with crap like Just My Luck and I Know Who Killed Me. She needs to take a challenging role that no one will touch — especially since no one will touch her right now — and prove that she’s a legitimate actress. With that said, I need her to gain 300 lbs and play a lesbian who dies from cancer during the Holocaust.

3. Put out a dance record. Though her singing career is on the same shaky ground as her acting career, Lindsay had a few good dance-pop songs during her stretch as a recording artist. Case in point, the 2004 masterwork “Rumors” and 2008′s equally-infectious “Bossy.” Throw that raspy voice over a pounding bass beat and the gays will come running — it’s like our Bat Signal.

4. Avoid the paparazzi. Lindsay managed to sustain her career, or at least her presence in the pop culture zeitgeist, through her love/hate relationship with the paps, but she’s not a Paris Hilton or a Kim Kardashian. She actually has talent. Therefore, she doesn’t have to resort to cheap tricks to keep her name in the headlines. Also, a little downtime might do her good; it builds a little mystery and in this age of over-exposure it would be a nice change of pace to be able to wonder what someone is doing instead of seeing their vagina spread all over the internet.

5. Kill Emma Stone.  There’s only room for one husky-voiced, redheaded starlet in Tinseltown and Emma has all but usurped Lohan’s niche, thanks in part to her wonderful, (Golden Globe-nominated) performance in Easy A. As much as I love Emma, Lindsay was here first and I’ve already invested the past 7 years of my life into Team Lilo. Now that she (somehow) has her license back, she can easily run Emma down at her Starbucks of choice and floor it out of there before anyone’s the wiser.

As she tweeted on New Year’s Day, this is the first day of the rest of her life. If Britney Spears and Drew Barrymore can get  it together, there’s hope for Lindsay.

Photo: Harper’s Bazaar

Answer to WIN! (Click through for details)

The sass master will show us on Jimmy Kimmel Live at midnight tonight, but before that happens, tell us what you think Perez Hilton is up to with that beautiful, unassuming woman and you can win Paris Hilton’s new perfume, Tease.

Which you will probably need to mask the scent of Perez’s ego wafting through your TV set.

Bonus points if you can tell us who the chick on the bed of roses is.

Link Love: Perez Hilton

“I guess it [having style] helped more than anything else. I’m glad I grew up during the last vestige of cool, in the 1990s, when everything wasn’t blogged and on the Interwebs, when things were more on the downlow and underground.”

She’s kind of got a point about the whole underground thing, but the 90s were far from the last vestige of cool – that was the 80s. The 90s were more like the last whimper and final death of cool before the mid-90s took over and America sunk into a capitalist coma.

“I guess I am stylish, but I would rather have people come up and say ‘I really liked your performance in this or that’ than ‘I really like the way you dress.’ That irks me. Anyway, the term It girl gets used too loosely…”

So she’s irked by people respecting her fashion sense over her acting ability; meanwhile, that never hurt Audrey Hepburn or Grace Kelly, both beloved Oscar-winning actresses whose style is arguably more influential than their film catalog.

Then Sevigny turned her ire to Peaches Geldof:

“Today the term is used to describe, say, Peaches Geldof—a girl who doesn’t do anything but is just sort of around.The original It girl was the 1920s movie star Clara Bow; then, in the 1960s, with Edie Sedgwick and Warhol, It girls turned into socialites, ladies of leisure—people who had ‘it’ just for being ‘fabulous.’ But Edie was just a rich drug addict, and when I got called the It girl everyone thought I was that too. I looked like a junkie because it was the 1990s and grunge was the fashion. But I felt I was doing stuff, not just being a socialite.”

Oooh, snap, Geldof! Chloé Sevigny said as far as rich, fabulous drug addicts go, you’re in the same league as Paris Hilton. Buuuuuuurrrrnnn.

When asked if drugs played a part in her personal liberation, Sevigny answered thus:

“It wasn’t like I was a big druggie; it was just kind of a side thing, something that went hand in hand with me falling in with that crowd, the rejects. I don’t think I ever bought anything; it was just sort of there.”

That’s my excuse whenever I end up doing drugs. Yeah, occifer, that coke was just sort of there on my nostrils and I just inhaled. Somehow, that excuse rarely works.

LINK LOVE: Playboy

Scandal-shamed socialite Paris Hilton is returning to her reality TV roots in a new Oxygen network series that will attempt to dispel the public’s “misconception” of her as a pampered, sheltered rich girl.

Hilton has invited Oxygen cameras to follow her as she runs a multimillion merchandising brand. In August, Paris was arrested and was later found guilty of cocaine possession during a joy ride down the Las Vegas strip. The network may film Paris when she starts 200 hours of community service, an order handed to her as part of her sentence for drug possession.

In 2003, Paris swapped her glamorous life to try out various jobs, including babysitting and farm work, alongside bestie Nicole Richie for five seasons on the now-defunct docu-seriesThe Simple Life.

The as-yet-titled Paris Hilton reality show will debut on The Oxygen Network in 2011. (credit: popcrunch.com)

So far, Paris has been a good girl.

But honestly, who shows up for a service project in Louboutins?

I realize Paris will be Paris, but come on… 4-inch heels are not suitable for rocky terrain.

As the Shaolin monk who sits atop Mount Paddywhack once told me, “dress for the occasion.”

Now this isn’t so much what Britney would look like if she was from the Midwest so much as what Britney will look like in five years. Hair looks good, girl!

How fitting, Sarah Jessica Parker next to a horse. I love the bridle she’s wearing though. Chanel?

After a long day at the secretarial pool, Jennifer Aniston (who actually would be married in Bizarro Midwestern Land) drops by the DQ for a qucik dinner of ice cream and salty tears.

David Beckham‘s dreams of soccer stardom just didn’t pan out after knocking up Victoria in high school. He settled down, working for Vick’s pop’s insurance company and has several mistresses, like this lamb:

Town skank, Tara Reid. Victoria’s seen her in the parking lot of the A&P and has more than once tried to run her down in her Chevy minivan.

Nicole Kidman is currently serving twenty years in jail for murdering her husband whom she claimed was a “latent homosexual.”

No, not this one. John Travolta is still alive and kicking after his third triple bypass and second double chin-ectomy.

Ah, yes, poor Tom Cruise. He came to a grizzly end when Kidman used a hot waffle iron to make grilled cheese with his face. Then ate it.

On a happier note, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are doing just fine. They have twelve kids, and Anthony is 85% sure that at least half of them are his.

After years of living the single life, Ashlee Simpson finally managed to settle down.

She found an unlikely soul mate in Cameron Diaz, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers. Cam may not be the sharpest stiletto on the shoe tree, but Ashlee says she more than makes up for it in the boudoir.

Wild stallion and all-round bad ass, Johnny Depp, can usually be found riding his hog, shooting beer cans or gearing up for a good ole-fashioned lynchin’ with the boys.

As you can see, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are still quite the fashion plates. They even made these dresses! Not that you could tell. Ashley made hers from six discarded king size bed sheets. And MK wrapped a towel around her then tied it with electrical tape. Brilliant.

Paris Hilton, unfortunately lost her mind back in the fifth grade when she started showing up to class without any panties, speaking in a strange baby’s voice and claiming to have invented the phrase “That’s hot.” She’s in a mental hospital where she’s especially popular with some of the…more masculine girls.

Pam Anderson has done well for herself. A successful office manager at a funeral home, she gets all the embalming fluid she likes, which she then uses for throwing homestyle Botox parties.

Eyes were raised in town when Michael Douglas showed up with this young chippy on his arm, Catherine Zeta-Jones. But it turns out they’re just father and daughter who have an incestuous relationship. And that’s old hat. For a second, people thought she might have been Mexican or a Jew. Imagine?

A former Ms. Pine-Sol, Gwen Stefani still has her looks, even if she’s keeping them in her hair and cleavage. But she learned that “a woman’s beauty is the only thing she has or ever will have and once that’s gone, she might as well down a bottle of Ajax and wait for Jesus to come and take her back to Heaven in his divine pick-up truck.” Words of wisdom from her mama:

Sharon Stone. 80 years old and doesn’t look a day over 69.

yeah stole the photo from Perez and what? How could you not, this is better than Paris Hilton’s barbie doll, and that’s MAJOR… Except for the little fact that the price tag on this box is $1,500.

If Barbie was a real person, she would have to walk on all-fours because her breasts are too big for her body to support. Time to get on your hands and knees Paris. Oh wait, you spend most of your time there anyway.

LINK LOVE: ONTD!

Kim Kardashian might be considered one of the most “beautiful” people in this world, but maybe if she wasn’t such a control freak she’d be able to keep a relationship long enough, instead of blaming it on being a “work-a-holic.” Let’s work on this Kim I want to see you married soon, let’s see if her babies make the world’s pretties kids list.

Oh Paris, you gotta love her but then again that whole ” i thought it was gum” sort of act is getting old. The bitch of all bitches is already going to be thirty as well you’d think that not going to high school because you party too much would be enough, but Hilton is almost hitting 30 and is still everyones favorite slut, but how does she do it, getting away with all her chaotic drama.?

Nicole Richie just turned thirty and I’d say it’s for the better, even though she had kids with weird names before getting engaged and went from fat to skinny, I’d say her prime is actually thirty.

Britney might be the “pop princess” and got her oportunity to show up on Glee, but can we face it she’s getting old, when are you retiring?

These girls might be my favorite pick of “going down hill” ladies but can you just imagine how they’ll look in about ten more years, I’m still waiting for the plastic surgeries.

You know we all do it, creeping through our day after photos of the stumbling nights before, and thinking WTF am I doing, or sometimes you just aren’t photogenic enough… probably why there isn’t enough room to be a  Ford model in this World. Concluding this previous experience in which I went through many times, I did my research on how to pose better for a full length body shot, and what better time to use these tips than during fashion week. When you look at Paris Hilton, Victoria Beckham, or Miss Kim K. there are certain points that are always hit. For one chin is always down and head is always slightly turned, just make sure to know which side is your good side, there’s always one angle less fucked up than the other. Second always angle your body and place your hand on the back side of one hip pushing a bit forward, this will give you the whole “slim” look plus pushing back your shoulders and sucking in the gut. Lastly you know that whole “say cheese” thing we do… things just got better in not adding on to feeling of awkwardness of already standing in public waiting for a flash. So instead say “money” it gives your smile a less asian persuasion look.

What lessons can we learn from Hilton’s fiasco? Don’t buy the ugliest Chanel bag on the market? Don’t let your cocaine baggie fall out of your purse then pretend the bag isn’t yours? At least she’s not banned from the Hilton Las Vegas. You go girlfriend!

LINK LOVE: Fashionista

Breathless Brad Boles has been busy rubbing some very ritzy elbows this weekend and is more than happy to share the dish. Me? I wish I was really on vacation! –S.H.

Friday night saw a return to Almond, the tony East End, boy’s-night-out hotspot in the Hamptons where I dined with Catherine Saxton (the fabulous PR maven who handles all of Ivana Trump’s ups and downs) who is a houseguest of Cathy and Rick Hilton.

FYI… the Hiltons have done an amazing job reinventing their glamorous Fordune estate in Southampton. It is completely bathed in white and teal and flooded with light. When I was there recently, I had a wonderful encounter with TINKERBELL – yes, you heard me right – as in Paris Hilton’s famed Chihuahua!

Bling to ding…

After dinner it was off to Lilly Pond for a sexy performance by none other then my “The Real Housewives of New York City” titled babe, ”The Countess” Luann de Lesseps. The best part of the evening: LL Cool J had a banquet room filled with his posse. Go figure…those two in a room so small from Bling to Ding?

Don’t ever believe that the rich aren’t still rich.

On Saturday it was off to Polo… for some perfect weather and perfect people! It’s one big cocktail party with nobody really watching the game. On one arm, I had the ever-divine Adrian Arpel, and on the other, her time-challenged daughter Lauren Arpel. I was trying to get Madame Arpel to buy a helicopter. As everybody knows, the Montauk highway is a nightmare in August. Can you imagine if we had landed on the Polo field?

LISTEN to Sharon Haver & Brad Boles on Focus on Style Talk Radio:

LINK LOVE:Money Matters- Cultural Clash In The Hamptons From A Countess to LL Cool J and One Supermodel

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LINK LOVE:Paris Hilton Topless in Nuts Magazine

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