Madden Hits Bottom

Edited by lins

There are so many things wrong with this photograph I don’t know where to begin. But for you, dear reader, I’ll at least try:

1. Madden brother, not sure which one (can’t tell them apart, don’t care).
2. Ugly shirt that looks like it was vomited out from the 80s
3. Ugly shirt with Malcom X on it … somehow, not sure MX would be overly thrilled about his face on aforementioned Madden brother’s T …
4. Wayfarers (just make them stop)

5. His “U” beard==tied with Pete Wentz’s guyliner.

6. Also, he’s drinking Rockstar energy drink – is this supposed to be ironic?

Damnit, Pete Wentz is Cool

Edited by Saynt

Pete Wentz has just managed to secure his cool in my book. I hate to write about him, cause Fall Out Boy sucks, his dick shots were less than impressive, and manliner is for whiny bitches, but encouraging folks to advertise on his face by contacting jon@douchebag.com is flippin awesomeness.

Thank you for not being a complete tool.

Of course DoucheBag.com is an actual website (one of those porno spam sites) so Pete’s actually promoting a pornshop. Congrats, dude and I’m so glad you took plastic surgery victim Ashley Simpson off the market. Hopefully she’ll finally feel the love she never had from her papa and feel like a real person who doesn’t need superfoulous surgeries to fill the void in her soul.

Wal-Mart Attempts to Reach a Youth Market with Has-Beens and Sluts

Edited by Saynt

I love reading stories about how Wal-Mart tries to be “cool” and “hip” with their clothing brands.  They are apparently pushing out a big campaign to connect to their customer base of Middle Americans, Soccer Moms, and Stoners who head in to the store at midnight for munchies to Ocean Pacific by enlisting a plethora of has-beens to hawk the collection.

First up is Perez Hilton, whose site was vomited on yesterday with ads for the OP brand prompting his readers to upload their favorite picts on the OP website. Lame-o.

Next up is a whose-who of failed reality stars, rockers, and celebrity spawn.  According to WWD, ” actress Rumer Willis; actress Kristin Cavallari, best known for her role on “Laguna Beach”; singer Christina Milian; actress Josie Maran; rocker Pete Wentz; “High School Musical” star Corbin Bleu, and actor Wilmer Valderrama.”

Before you try IMBDing these bitches, let me run it down why each of these people suck balls.

Now try to act like your daddy didn’t produce this crap

 

Rumer Willis is not an actress. She’s more D-list than Kathy Griffin. I mean what is she famous for besides having a Leno chin and looking way too much like a man?!?  I know it’s hard for Hollywood kids to chill in their momma and daddies spotlight and I’m sure it only becomes more difficult when the boy you used to fantasy about on that 70′s Show is now bangin’ your mom, but just stop Rumer. You name is dumb and you weren’t that good in that movie your dad let you be in.

“Oh Shit, I’m Still Relevant.” 

Kristin Cavallari is not an actress. She’s a reality star. She’s a failed reality star. Lauren Conrad is queen bitch now Kristin and your about as useless to society as another celebrity sex tape. Actually, that might help you. Call Rick Solomon pronto.

Why are their 10 men around her as she grinds in oil? Um, ask Wal-Mart 

Christina Milian hasn’t had a hit since Dip It Low, in which she sold herself to the sex hungry public and tramped it up in black oil and a swimsuit for money.  She’s the music biz equivalent of Jennifer Connelly’s character in Requiem for a Dream and now she’s hawking cheap tees for Wal-Mart.

Her career really didn’t go anywhere after this.

Josie Maran is better known for looking like a pin-up wank target than for acting.  Being an extra in Little Black Book does not make you an actress Josie, neither does Dancing with the Stars.

Pete Wentz will always be remembered more for taking photos of his cock and impregnating Jessica Simpson’s sister.  Just try to sing a full Fall Out Boy song. Seriously, try to do it.

Corbin Bleu might be the only one on this list that makes sense.  High School Musical was a massive success and his days at the House of Mouse have given him enough clout amongst the teener set to make them want to wear something he’s promoting. If anyone should be on this campaign, it’s him.

Wilmer Valderrama is a big old slut whose slept with more starlets than films he’s been in.  I kind of admire him for it, but Wal-Mart shouldn’t.  Plus he has crabs. Alright that might be a lie, but I’m pretty sure it’s not.