Gap, The Shitty Retailer That Ruined Christmas

Saynt — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 21:10:27 +0000

Gap manages to fuck up the holidays once again with a series of videos which make me a) wish I had a bullet for Jon Heder’s and Jason Biggs face, b) pray that Freddy Rodriquez would quit giving Puerto Roc’s a bad rap by looking like a tan midget, and c) hope that one day the GAP goes bankrupt so that we don’t have to be subjected to such shitty attempts at marketing. Seriously, I would rather listen to a choir of trache patients gargling days old throat phlegm than have to hear these attempts at Christmas carols ever again.

Below are some lowlights…

Rainn Wilson reminding us that his 15 minutes are officially up and Selma Blair showing us just how desperate she’s gotten since her divorce in their rendition of “Baby It’s Cold Outside”.

“We 3 Kingz” was shitastically performed by a beaner (seriously refuse to claim this one as one of mine), the African-American fellow (see we can be politically correct sometimes) from Weeds, and a jew who decided to sell out his heritage for $100 in Gap cash. Of course at some point the tannest of the group has to throw in some beatboxing to throw off the whitey. Thank you Gap for maintaining racial profiling in all your marketing campaigns.

Janelle Monae, the only bright spot in this whole campaign, attempts to ignore Napoleon Dynamite as he dances around like an idiot in his striped CRAP sweater. Seriously, when was the last time this dude left his house without a helmet and a ticket to ride the short bus. (P.S. Anti-Gay Right Morman’s Suck Assneck Jon).

My assumption is that Trey Songz and Flo Rida fulfill the Gap’s gay spokesperson quota cause these two are definitely kickin it on the downlow. Honestly, these two are gayer than the dude from Reading Rainbow eye-socket fucking the blind black dude from Star Trek. Oh wait, their the same guy?!? Shit that’s a weird visual. Seriously though does Chris Brown know he has a twin out there stealing all his endorsement money?

Okay, wasn’t sure who any of these people were at first. Apparently one is a comedian who once showed Madonna the labia licking ropes and the others are a group of country singers better known for alienating their entire fan base by talking smack about the President. So basically, they hate Bush while she just can’t get enough…

You can watch all the videos at gap.com, but please don’t.

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Gap, The Shitty Retailer That Ruined Christmas