While Ronald McDonald is synonymous with McDonald's, Burger King has had a harder time with its mascot. Besides a brief dalliance in Hootie and the Blowfish territory, the Burger King king has been assaulting people with shtick and magic tricks since the 70s. But the latest incarnation for the hip, tweeting, Facebooking generation didn't sit well with...anyone, really, so he was officially retired in 2011.

The Columbia Pictures logo has featured a lady wielding a torch since 1928 and she's been burning brightly for over 80 years. But before she lit up, the Torch Lady was a female Roman soldier bearing a shield and a stalk of wheat. Other than that, however, she's had less work done than many of the actresses in the pictures she heralds -- looking at you Meg Ryan.

The Jolly Green Giant wasn't so jolly or even green originally. He was a grumpy grey gnome wearing a bearskin then Hulked out in the 30s and apparently started smoking on some greens to become the jolly old soul he is today. Advertising Age ranked JGG as the third most recognizable advertising character of the 20th century, behind only Ronald McDonald and the Marlboro Man, but unlike those other two, the Jolly Green Giant won't end up slowly killing you. Ho ho ho!

Smokey Bear -- he's never gone by "the Bear" because he's a person too, dammit -- has been warning the general population about the dangers of forest fires cum wildfires for nearly 70 years. You'd think by now people would have gotten the message -- keep the fire in your pants where it belongs. And maybe that's why Smokey wears pants to begin with, other than that charge of sexual indecency.  Anyway, the oddly anthropomorphic bear we've all come to know and openly ignore debuted in 1944, during the heyday of World War II, which would explain this little gem of highly racist propaganda. Sure it's awful, but I bet people thought twice about leaving that campfire unattended lest the buck-toothed, Hitler-mustachioed villains should win.

Much like the Brawny Man, Mr. Clean has been keeping households sanitary for decades. And like the Brawny Man, his sexuality is certainly open to speculation -- note there's no Mrs. Clean. Muscular, bald, tan and sporting an earring, Clean -- as I like to call him --could easily be mistaken for any muscle daddy cruising through Chelsea. Apparently confident in his appeal, Mr. Clean's look has remained relatively unchanged, however...unlike any muscle daddy cruising through Chelsea.

Aunt Jemima Originally portrayed by former slave Nancy Green in 1893 at the World's Fair, Aunt Jemima personified the "mammy" caricature immortalized by Hattie McDaniel in Gone with the Wind. Over 100 years later, she's a free and modern, strong black woman with her own business and a sassy updo. And she's been smiling all the way.

Rastus, Cream of Wheat Hands up if you knew the Cream of Wheat dude had a name. And his name is Rastus, which has a history of being a derogatory term for black men. Yay, racism! Since the 1920s, the face of Frank L. White has been used on the box. White was paid 5 bucks to pose in a chef's hat and jacket, thus missing out on god knows how much in royalties.

Betty Crocker Created in 1921 as a fictional Ann Landers of baking, Betty Crocker has tried her best to keep up with the times. But with that barely-changing sweep of a sensible soccer mom haircut she's not fooling anyone. No wonder feminists sued General Mills for stereotyping women as homemakers back in 1972. Burn that bra and that blouse, Betts!

Ronald McDonald Loveable old coot Willard Scott originated the Ronald McDonald character in 1963 and while it was a hard year for America, Ronald looked straight up jank. I mean, what child wants that freakshow giving them a toy? This guy, that's who.

The Brawny Man Ah, the Brawny Lumberjack. Sexually confusing little boys since 1974. Since then he's gone through a few incarnations -- from 70s gay porn star to early 00s gay porn star -- but one thing's always remained true: his brawnyness. Pass the paper towels.

Giles released this thing into the fashion world this past weekend. It appears to be a black Grimace. For those unfamiliar with the McDonald’s mythology, Grimace was a purple four armed creature known for stealing Happy Meals from starving children and then proceeding to play with their cheap third-world made toys until the parts broke off. He and the Hamburgler then used to make sweet dirty love while juiced up on chunks of 6-month old dead cow and artificially flavored french fries. Later Grimace’s two extra hands (the evil ones) were removed and he began to enjoy a relationship with ringleader Ronald. Of course, one of his hands were the source of his intellegence and we quickly became a rather idiotic character who would often be the starting point of drama in Ronald McDonald Land. Anyway, yeah, this thing looks like a black Grimace, which means it looks really, really stupid. It also kind of looks like a penis if you squint a little bit. Either way, it’s pretty dumb.