All Posts Tagged With: "Shit Fashion Peeps Like"
Stuff Fashion People Like #20 Calling Designers by Their First Names As If They’re Friends or Something
“Me and Marc go way back. We used to be in band camp together.”
“Karl stopped by the other day and was so pissed that i-D blasted his collection.”
“I told Vera, I’d love for her to design my wedding dress, but I’d really prefer it if Roberto did it.”
Claim Jeremy as a friend and Kanye and Cory Kennedy get included for free
As long as there have been fashion designers, there have been delusion nobodies that seem to think they know them. Fashion people will insist without injury that they are related, best friends, or somehow connected to the top tier of who’s who designers. Marc Jacobs becomes Marc, their favorite drinking buddy, Tom Ford becomes Uncle Tom, their babies Godfather and Georgio Armani becomes George, their midnight confidant.
The reason why? Cause after watching The Devil Wears Prada, one too many times, and hitting season after season of runway shows, fashion people become delusional, referring to designers they have never actually met as one name friendlies by which they “believe” they spend all their free time with. Of course, the only course of action to combat such behavior is to embark on it yourself. When a fashion person randomly mentions a designer in a personal manner, just look them straight an the eye and say “You know [[insert designers first name here]]. We go way back, I was his intern/lover/dealer back in the day. Do you have his number, I’d love to give him a call.”At this point the fashion person will take two possible courses of action.
99.9% of the time the person will begin to stutter and backtrack and admit that they don’t know the designer personally. Ignore these people at all costs as they are the plague of the fashion world.
Of course the other .1% of fashion people will get defensive and overly protective of the information you requested. If this is the case, you might actually be talking with someone who knows a famous designer. Befriend them quickly, cause you never know when the call may come in to head to an all night kegger at said designers party. Remember, no one parties harder than waif-like models on two hits of Columbia’s finest, no one.
hate-/love+Stuff Fashion People Like #18 Saying “It’s Vintage”
There is nothing more gratifying to a fashion person than saying something is “vintage”. It is by far the one thing that if they were allowed, would slip in and out of every single sentence they form. Dresses, shoes, seal skin knickers all things are game in the vintage game. Of course, it is a well held secret amongst fashion people that most of the shit they claim is from some era before H&M are actually from the house that Hennes & Mauritz built.
Shock. Awe. And more shock, right? It’s true non-fashion people, most fashion people are liars that would rather claim something is old as Jesus than admit that they picked it up from the bargain bin of H&M, Urban Outfitters, or worse Forever 21. The reason. While some might claim it’s due to the fact that in fashion years one season is more than enough time to claim something as “vintage” (it’s true we live in dog years), the truth is that fashion people are not allowed to claim that they shop at any fast retailers.
Ya see, a long, long time ago around the year that Tommy Hilfiger was reanimated by the Nazi’s to take over American fashion and Anna Wintour sacrificed Grace Mirabella to her father Bealzabub fewer brands were being marketed to the public in the pages of Vogue. Fewer ads meant less direction for the proposed fashion elite. Then came branding initiatives from Tommy, Cowboy Ralph and hundreds of other whores, which quickly created marketing opportunities to guide the hudled fashion masses. The marketing came in the form of logos, labels and other easily identifiable images that defined how much something was worth. Wear a good label and suddenly your worth a hell of a lot more.
Over the years this practiced defined which stores fashion people could shop at without looking like their poor unfashionable brethren. Over-priced fashion was king and all was good in the land of Wintour. Of course, then came the Vintage Craze and suddenly everyone wanted those shitty, labelless collections that fashion people had once shunned. A new wave of fashionistas we’re dropping serious dough on $10 J.C.Penny dresses from the 70’s and discounted Woolworth moo-moo’s from the 60’s. The shitty fashions of yesteryears we’re becoming the must have items of today. Which brings us back to H&M, Urban Outfitters and Forever 21. See, it’s okay for a fashion person to shop at those spots now, because even though they aren’t really vintage today, in a few years they will be, and to a fashion persons that’s good enough, which is why they will never claimed it’s discount chic, it’s vintage.
hate-/love+Stuff Fashion People Like #17 Runway Falls
If you’re ever in the company of non-fashion people (perish the thought) and the conversation careens towards speak of things non-fashion things, people discuss don’t be surprised if what they choose to talk about is NASCAR. But, before any discussion of the “sport” sends you veerying for dirty martini and a long puff remember that NASCAR is surprisingly similar to a runway show, we all just want to see a crash.
The catwalk has always been a spectator sport, but now what all fashion people are secretly wishing for isn’t the perfect print or use of exotic leathers, it’s a full-on, cringe-inducing, knock a tooth out tumble from one the anorexic clothes hangers on the runway. This desire is deep suited in the narcissistic psyche of the fashion person, who at all times wants to look better than everyone in the room, even when half the room is filled with models.
When talking to a fashion person it’s important to have a few great runway spills in your memory. Here’s a list of our Top Ten Model Falls to keep you slightly more relevant that Rachel Zoe at the helm of Holsten.
1. Jessica Stam at Chloé, Fall 2006. It was the fall felt round the world — and thanks to YouTube, it was seen around the world too. Stam’s right foot tripped her up; her body to collapsed forward; her forehead hit the runway. It made even your most embarrassing schoolyard fall look weak. But while you probably would’ve burst into tears, this trooper got right back up — to applause.
2. Milana Bogolepova at Dior, Resort 2008. Stiletto sandals and swimsuit cover-up proved too much for poor Bogolepova, who tottered so badly that she hit the ground not once, but twice. Official blame fell on her pin-thin heels, though there were vicious whispers backstage of just how much pre-show champers was consumed.
3. Elise Crombez at Proenza Schouler, Spring 2007. Again, dangerous shoes were to blame. Crombez’s sky-high heels made her pitch forward, like a runner at the start line. The audience gasped, the photographers cringed, but somehow, the girl escaped with knees unscathed.
4. Kamila W. at Vivienne Westwood, Spring 2007. Kamila’s trip was excruciating — and hilarious. Her first tumble brought her to her knees. Then, after getting back up and fluffing her hair, her ankles give — and this time, she nearly broke them. Sadly, her fame seems to end here.
5. Iekeliene Stange at Marc Jacobs, Spring 2007. Faced with a slick runway, Stange gave up on trying to maneuver the catwalk in slippery shoes. She kicked off her sandals — to much applause — and continued the walk barefoot. Now that’s how to handle a fall.
6. Carmen Electra at Max Factor Fashion Show. Few falls bring as much joy as watching former Baywatch babe, Carmen Electra take a dive at a Max Factor Fashion Show. Rumors say that this fall created such a frenzy, that Carmen now refuses to allow photographers to take snaps of her runway adventures, as noted at a future performance at 2(x)ist Spring 2008.
Want more. Of course you do, you’re becoming a fashion person…
Model Falling at Karl Lagerfeld
Tiiu Kuik Falling on the runway of Oscar de la Renta
Naomi Campbell Falls on her Ass at Vivienne Westwood
hate-/love+Stuff Fashion People Like #16 Ménage à trois
Menage a trios are the sexual position of choice amongst high fluting fashion types. There are a couple of reasons why this position reigns supreme; 1. the sex act has it’s origins in fashion city of choice, Paris, 2. some magical dust or other illegal substance usually helps endorse the action, and 3. at the end of the tryst you have the perfect opportunity to swipe the Manolo’s of anyone involved.
Don’t believe us? Read today’s Post article on Marc Jacobs recent adventure with Austin A (are their Austin’s B - Z waiting in the backdrop) and a Jason Preston look-a-like ( last time I checked all former escort, twinks look the same).
“MARC Jacobs is already bickering with his brand-new boy toy, Austin A. The rehabbed designer brought Austin to Los Angeles for the weekend, where they ended up squabbling most of the trip. It started Thursday at Foxtail lounge when Jacobs was seen kissing both Austin and another man. “Marc showed up at Foxtail with Austin and another guy who looked just like his ex, Jason Preston, with tattoos and a cut-off shirt,” said our spy. “Marc was dressed in a tank top and black sweat pants. He looked like a mess. He was kissing both of the guys, bouncing back and forth between them and acting loony. (most likely due to the happy dust)” The trio stayed at the West Hollywood lounge until closing, then headed back to the Chateau Marmont where Jacobs was staying.”
They then proceeded to bump uglies with Grandpa Jacobs.
hate-/love+Stuff Fashion People Like #12 Media Attention
Stuff Fashion People Like makes the front page of Glam.com
If you looked into the handbag of a fashion person their are three things you will undoubtingly find, a skin smoothing cover-up, a pack of cigarettes, and print-out of a recent press clipping featuring their photo, name or obscure reference to their circle of friends. Sad, yet true, fashion people are obsessed with media attention.
Getting attention from a major media outlet is better than finding a pair of shoes of sale or watching a runway model face plant on the runway. Fashion people are media whores who will give it up to the first journalist or photographer that promises to add their name or photo to a story. The equivalent of a free happy ending, attention from any newspaper, magazine, blog or random party photog is more than enough to give a fashion person a full-on, worth reaffirming orgasm (the clean kind, there’s no need to stain the chiffon). Since most fashion people are a tad bit self-absorbed media attention verifies their position on the food chain and gives them fodder for further stroking their own ego and making those around them take notice/feel like a worthless piece of shit.
The perfect openers for getting in with a fashion person include “Aren’t you that designer/model/high-paid escort that was in the New York Times last week?” or “I read all about you on FashionIndie.com. Congrats on curing camel toe.”. Even if the fashion person wasn’t in either they will nod in agreement and thank you for acknowledging their media worthyness. Another great trick is to walk around with a camera around your neck and make this statement, “I’m with Vogue”. I circle will instantly form around you as every fashion person in the room begins to pose and chuck business cards in your face for correct spellings of their names. This trick will work at parties, on line at the supermarket, and even if you’re taking a shit so be careful of how loudly you say it since you’ll be flocked by all within earshot.
If you are trying to become a fashion person it is important to have some friends in the media. Points are awarded for the type of coverage you receive so use this handy reference to guarantee that your efforts are not wasted. Remember, you haven’t graduated to the position of a true media worthy fashion person until you’ve accumulated at least 100 points.
30 Points - Vogue - If Winnie deems you worthy expect a full on flock of fashion hanger-ons who will befriend you for a possible future photo op. Choose your fashion friends carefully at this point. The last thing you want is a Pablo (Olea) hanging around you for every snapshot.
25 Points - The New York Times, New York Magazine - Two very powerful fashion tomesthat will deem your status amongst fashion elitist like Diane Von Furstenburger, Marc Jacobs, and Ralph “The Marlboro Man” Lauren. Just be aware that this is the type of stuff older fashion people read, so expect a flock of the geriatric crowd to know your name at benefits and the retirement home.
20 Cool Points - V Magazine, Purple, Fantastic Man, French Vogue - While most people don’t pick up these magazines the people who do will know your name, buy you drinks, invite you to their coke den, and offer you more sexual favors than a teenager at a Dov Charney pool party. (a.k.a. if any of the editors of these magazines are reading this my name is Daniel Saynt. I’m the president of Fashion Indie and I’d love to be a self gratifying media whore someday, so write about me.)
10 Points - Paper Magazine - They try so hard to be hip. It’s kind of cute.
5 Points - Gawker.com - It will most likely make you look like a total asshole who likes to kill babies on the weekends, but if their talking about you you’re most likely the shit.
1 Point - Cobra Snake, Last Nights Party, House of the Vain - Nightlife photographers love snapping pictures of pretty fashion people. Getting on these sites gives you some cred, but not enough unless you build up a big collection. Also, it doesn’t count if Merlin shot a photo of your tits. That’s actually negative points so be careful.
- 1 Point - Local news stations and papers - Don’t get profiled or snapped by the San Antonio Times or the CW 11 News. That’s just embarrassing and not becoming of a fashion person.
- 10 Points - Your Own Blog - Don’t be pathetic. Let the professionals blog. Stick to reading us daily, okay sweetie.
- 1000 Points - American Apparel Ad - We all know how you got the gig. Only swimsuit models and Kimora Lee Simmons are allowed to screw their way to the top.
hate-/love+Stuff Fashion People Like #9 Trend Forecasting
Trend forecasters are the Sylvia Browns of the fashion world, which means they are over paid, chain smoking mythomaniacs who garner huge amounts of praise and acclaim for deriving psychic-like predictions from their asses. Editors & designers (the kings and mostly queens of the fashion world) will pay thousands of dollars for a sampling of what these soothsayers have to offer. “Cerelion is the new blue” or “Gaucho pants will be big for spring 2010″ are often seen as amazing feats of forecasting that are only privy to the ears of the highest bidders.
Once such information is collected by the royals, it is dispensed amongst the pheasant class fashionistas in the form of magazine articles and runway shows which encompass predicted color schemes and styles. These “trends” provide a uniform for fashion people who have no personal style and are unable to formulate their own original look. More importantly “trends” allow fashion people to criticize those who don’t follow them. Statements like “Wait, you seriously don’t own a pair of fuscia riding boots!?! Tragic.” and “I couldn’t live without my [insert seasonal must have here]. Oh, I’m sorry you didn’t pre-order one? How sad for you.” are common amongst the most trend obsessed fashion people.
When dealing with the trend dependent fashion person it’s always important to take note of their “stylish” look. Show that you are current on all seasonal trends by commenting on the colors and styles they are wearing. This will make the fashion person feel even more elite and will allow them to embrace your presence. If asked about your style, it is smart to say that it is based on a future trend or one from the runways of Europe or some obscure fashion week in Guam. Remember, anything you wear can be deemed a trend. The velour Juicy track suit you refuse to take off can be reinvented as “Hollywood reject chic from the runways of Berlin, Spring 2008″. The over-sized denim and striped shirt you’re addicted to can be “a recent look on the runways of Tibet called “Jersey Douchebag”. Upon hearing these descriptions the fashion person will instantaneously praise you for your trendsetting bravery and will even ask for the hotline number of your pay-per-minute trend psychic.
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