Oh the bastard child of suburbia and commercial retail, how I loathe you. Indoors, outdoors, wherever you may be, please fuck off. Unfortunately for Northeastern Ohio, malls are the only options available for shopping. Yes, there are a few, small locally run boutiques and novelty shops, but they are found very far and few between.

It’s not just the establishment itself, but what malls hold inside may scare those who have never shopped there before. Merry-go-rounds holding screaming children and bored parents. Massive herds of 13-year-old, jean skirt-wearing, white eyeliner-eyeballed monsters whining at Tommy or Jimmy to “stop poking her in the boob.” Clowns making balloon animals and painting faces while cackling profusely. Not to mention Ugg displays, women sprinting after you with stinky perfume samples, the smell of rotting fast food, cell phone kiosks and weirdoes stealing pennies from disease ridden fountains. As I am forced to bear the dangerous elements associated with malls, I realize what won’t kill me will only make me stronger. And it makes me incredibly grateful for the freestanding stores that await me in New York.

There are perks to living in the suburban MidWest that you just can’t find in the city. The air doesn’t smell like garbage, you can take a breath without getting a lungful of pollution and a few shiny dimes will rent you a massive apartment. Obviously, suburbia comes with substantial downsides like pollen allergies, malls and girls who believe dressing like baby prostitutes is fashionable. An ass-revealing denim skirt paired with a shirt stolen from a second grader and finished with Ugg boots seems to be the uniform of choice for many ‘round these parts. Upon thinking of how many times I have seen this outfit in my four years of college, I have to take a Vicodin to ease my dreadful migraine. And if winter isn’t bad enough in the Snow Belt, I will get to see sweatpants tucked into those same Uggs in a matter of weeks. Seems like the perfect season to start a blinder fad!