And what would a dramatic weight-loss story be without a cover of Us Weekly? Bam! And what would a comeback be without an inspiring song to shove down people’s throats (and just in time for the holidays, whaddya know?)

Boom! Mimi’s recorded a new track, “Make It Happen,” not to be confused with her old “Make It Happen,” which I still dust off and jam to when the occasion strikes me. The new “MIT” will appear in Mariah’s new Jenny ads, since she’s signed on as their latest spokesman.

Congrats, Mariah! Now, you can focus on mounting a proper comeback to support your family because I think we all know Nick Cannon‘s paper route isn’t going to pay the bills. [iVillage]

Mario Testino captures Lopez in all her Glow by JLo glory and Lisa Robinson gets the exclusive scoop on her life with Marc Anthony, her relationship with Diddy,her broken engagement to Ben Affleck as well as “the example she hopes to set for her children.”

Jessica will be rated on the below categories, five being the highest and 1 being the lowest.

Fit: 4

Appropriateness: 3

Trendiness: 4

Styling: 2

Shoes: 1

Hair: 1

Makeup: 1

Pose: 1

Confidence: 2

And when I write D, I mean F. I would have loved to fail Jessica for this atrocious, trash bag look, but unfortunately the dress itself looks decent on her. But it appears the hair and makeup team rolled her out of the halfway house and said “the hell with it.” You are a Gossip Girl for Christ’s sake, this is unacceptable.

Jessica will be rated on the below categories, five being the highest and 1 being the lowest.

Fit: 3

Appropriateness: 5

Trendiness: 5

Styling: 3

Shoes: 5

Hair: 2

Makeup: 4

Pose: 3

Confidence: 5

I am damn impressed with this look on Jessica. She usually looks like a train wreck, and although this dress doesn’t fit perfectly, she really appears confident and happy. That hair needs some maintenance though eek!

1. Kate Bosworth – She’s a red carpet staple, but if you tell me Kate’s been in anything since 2002′s Blue Crush I’ll laugh in your face. You could argue that she was Superman Returns but Lois Lane disappears from view as soon as she turns sideways.

IMDb says: The Warrior’s Way (2010), A warrior-assassin (yes, Kate) is forced to hide in a small town in the American Badlands after refusing a mission.

2. Camilla Belle – She of the strong brow and even stronger fashion instincts, Camilla was in 2006′s When a Stranger Calls, but she could easily have been the stranger as I had never seen her before (or since) then.

IMDb says: From Prada to Nada (2011), A Latin spin on Jane Austen’s Sense & Sensibility, due out at the end of the month. Keep ringing, Belle.

3. Kerry Washington – Stunning Washington has been in critically-acclaimed fare such as Ray, The Last King of Scotland and Save the Last Dance (speaking of which, the last thing I saw Julia Stiles in was a commercial touting her as an original; I must have been mistaken), but if you add up her screen time from all of her films, she’s easily logged more exposure strolling the red carpet.

IMDb says: For Colored Girls (2010), Kerry is one of 10 women striving to survive through Tyler Perry‘s muddled direction and clunky adaptation of the Tony-winning play.

4. Vanessa Hudgens - Hudgens recently completed her most challenging role to date as Zac Efron‘s “girlfriend,” a part in which she was never truly convincing. Though known for not wearing clothes, she’s still one of Teen Vogue‘s Best Dressed Celebs of 2010.

IMDb says: Bandslam (2009) also known as High School Musical 12: Our Careers are in Freefall.

5. Rachel Bilson – Ever since The O.C. ended, Bilson has emerged as a style icon for young girls who see her engaging performances every week in the pages of Us Weekly and In Touch.

IMDb says: Bilson will star in rom com Waiting for Forever out in February — just in time for me to slit my wrists on Valentine’s Day!

6. Emma Roberts – The extent of my knowledge regarding Emma Roberts: she’s Julia Roberts‘ niece. Oh, and she’s Eric Roberts‘ daughter. Though she’s making a name for herself as a legitimate actress, for now her last name and her emerging glamor are her only defining characteristics.

IMDb says: It’s Kind of a Funny Story (2010) I’ve actually heard good things about this dramedy about a clinically depressed teenager in an adult psych ward, but I, like everyone, haven’t seen it.

7. Demi Moore – Despite not having been in a  movie since husband Ashton Kutcher was in diapers (and Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle doesn’t count so don’t even try it), stylist Rachel Zoe is always on the verge of a heart attack clamoring to dress her. For what, the supermarket? Demi always looks great, but a movie star of her stature should have at least one more good movie in her.

IMDb says: Bunraku (2010) And this is not it. Demi co-stars with Josh Hartnett and Woody Harrelson in a drama/fantasy about a drifter who blah-blah-blah, who cares? Striptease 2: From the Stripper Pole to the Nursing Home!

Photos: Style.com/TeeenVogue.com

A source tells Us Weekly:

“JWoww wanted to wear just her chains and pasties without her blazer for the MTV New Year’s Eve special… to abide by MTV’s Standards & Practices.”

Since when has MTV been concerned about standards? This coming from the network that introduced the world to smoosh rooms and grenade-jumping?

It’s New Year’s Eve, for Snooki’s sake; a time when modesty and decorum are crushed up, snorted, sexually harassed and thrown out the window.

If JWOWW wants to look like a moderately-priced hooker, let her!  This is America, dammit!

Link Love: Us Magazine

Well, I’m thinking of a word to describe Scarlett that rhymes with witch, but since I’m not a party in this situation, I will reserve judgement…

…

Oh, who am I kidding, it’s the internet. Ryan’s much better off to be hot and Canadian and single all by himself.

Relationships, particularly with actresses (and I use that term lightly in reference to ScarJo)  are pointless. Whatever happened to causal sex with no obligations or expectations?

It’s a lot cheaper than a divorce and wastes less time than a sham marriage.

LINK LOVE: Us Weekly

An alleged “insider” tells Popeater:

“Her ego is out of control at this point. Ever since Dancing With the Stars, and the fact that she appeared on more consecutive covers of US Weekly than any celebrity ever, she thinks that she has what it takes to run for office.”

This insider sounds suspiciously like Kate Gosselin, or at least her agent, who, I imagine, also doubles as her weekend nanny. Was it really necessary to mention that DWtS debacle or that “prestigious” honor of “gracing” so many Us Weekly covers.

Especially since those covers document her continuing downward spiral from dumpy housewife to an egomaniac with cheap extensions that bafflingly cost $7000:

Kate doesn’t have the qualifications, the brains or –  let’s face it – the likeability to run for office. So what could possibly make her think that politics is a viable option?

Hmm…perhaps this little tidbit from a “friend” of Kate holds some answers:

“After meeting and spending time with Sarah, Kate realized that if she could run for office then so could Kate.”

I don’t know who should be more offended here. Sarah, for Kate insinuating that she is basically an idiot. Or Kate, for not realizing that her own idiocy could take her as far as a Vice Presidential nomination when she’s been laboring away with 8 kids on basic cable.

What a waste of a perfectly good, semi-functioning, badly-dyed brain.

LINK LOVE: Popeater

“It’s very hush-hush,” a source told Us Weekly. “She’s telling people she can’t travel,” noted the insider.

And a witness said Zoe was drinking lemon-flavored water while husband Rodger was drinking champagne at the Veuve Clicquot Polo Classic on October 10.

Zoe‘s former assistant Brad Goreski didn’t confirm the pregnancy, but he did sound excited about it.

“We’re still close,” Goreski told Us. “I hope to be in the delivery room!”

Way to spill the beans without “confirming” anything! I really hope she eats something other than soup during these nine special months.

LINK LOVE: Us Weekly

I have to admit, I love me some celebrity. And although some of the gossip may be dumb and clearly made up, I always feel like I have to know what’s going on in their little world. But there’s always those magazines that take it a bit too far, those magazines that make us obsessed and over the top. Take for example Us Weekly, who has just announced the release of a new magazine called Us Hair. An entire magazine dedicated completely to celebrity hairstyles! Couldn’t they have just made a spread in the original Us? A whole magazine, really?

LINKAGE: WWD

Lady Gaga tells the new issue of Us Weekly how she stays in tip-top shape.

“It’s all about starvation! Pop stars don’t eat.”

SOURCE: Perez Hilton

Unless Nina’s scowling at a PR contestant and giving them the fashion glare of death, I don’t really care.