So, if you live in NYC you’ve probably already been smacked across the face by a bunch of teaser ads for some website called, WhatIsTheNewBlack.TV. If you cared enough to check when you got to a computer or remembered to add .TV to the end of the address, you’ve probably come face to face with a flash site (which I was extremely annoyed with when I realized it didn’t work on my iPhone!!! Get with the times already you lazy marketers!!!) that featured some large headed blondie in all black asking you to dress her up to discover The New Black.

You select a top, an accessory, and a bottom. She heads behind a curtain and comes out to announce how your outfit is “retro”, “daring”, “classic” or some other combination of poorly chosen words to describe her look. Then some fashion meter comes out and your deemed some other describing word like “The Eclectic” or “The Anorexic” jk, and the bitch on screen tells you whether or not you’re The New Black.

I went through about a million times to see if I could get all the stars to light up, but failed. I’m assuming that if you manage to do that something more exciting will happen on this extremely two years ago site, but alas, I’m not the New Black.

Basically, this attempt at marketing is a complete and absolute joke and whoever was behind it needs to be fired. Aside from the generic model with her cheap looking Louboutanies, the poorly designed set with it’s hideous neo-modern chair, and the fashion choices which can only be deemed Liz Clairborne pre-Mizrahi, the overall look and feel at this campaign would make any self respecting fashion person cringe in their Jeffery Campbells (sorry, I’m all about cheap footwear these days).

Here are my list of qualms.

1. Who the fuck cares about “The New Black”?!?

“The New Black” is a term created by the powers that be at Vogue and Elle, a vicious attempt to get you to buy some season appropriate colors that a number of designers got together and decided would be the colors of the season. The term is completely dated and hasn’t been relevant for at least five years. Black is always “The New Black”, cause it’s always appropriate and always in season. Carine Roitfeld would tell you that any day.

2. Not Mobile, At All!!!

Mentioned this one above but needs to be rementioned. If you’re spending millions on an ad camapaign across the city for a website that solely lists a website, you’d think it would be smart to make the site accessible by cell phone!!! We all use our cellies to gather information and when a site that could technically exist mobily, doesn’t even consider this, it makes me think that someone got lazy. In this case, I’d blame everyone.

3. It’s Not Even A Good Website.

No community functions, no twitter options, no way to spread the word through Facebook!!! This is truly a ghost of website past!!! Plus many of the looks I tried to put together didn’t even register to the ditzy blonde who was trying it on. Their basic functions failed and it didn’t lead me to a purchase or to identify any set brand which means their markeing money was just flushed down the drain.

4. The Fashion Sucks.

Whoever chose these items should be shot. The bags are basic, the patterns are dull and the jeans made me want to murder someone at The Gap. If you’re going to make me waste my time with a bad site, the least you can do is give me somethiing fun to look at.

The Solution.

For this site there really isn’t much you can do. I’d leave the advertising up for a bit longer, but quickly change the front page to a spot where you can upload what you feel is “The New Black” having users share their looks for Spring. Then give them something that they might actually want, like a discount to a store or to be featured in an upcoming campaign, since who ever is behind this seems to have money. That would at least be engaging, rather than a complete disappointment like this current site.

Also, feel free to give me a call. I’d love to offer some more on how not to be a total failure on the fashion web.