THE BASHED: Joaquin Phoenix

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First Jude Law started losing his hair, and now this.

Has anyone else been doing Polyvore collages of Ted Kaczynski with outfits from Gladiator and Inventing the Abbotts?

I’ve read all the rumors: Joaquin Phoenix (above, left) is leaving Hollywood for a music career … or it could all be just a practical joke … or he could be having a meth-feuled nervous breakdown … or aliens are talking to him …

But, Joaquin, you are generally so good-looking under all that hair and crazy.  You’re not even 35!   You did the cover of Nylon only two years ago, and Dazed and Confused only one year ago!  You’re still cool!  You were Johnny Cash!  Do you know how many times I watched the proposal scene in Walk the Line?  You filled out the all-black suits so nicely!  You have such glowy vegan skin!

Maybe you’re just acting out or keeping your face warm for the winter.  Maybe your film with Casey Affleck is a mockumentary.  But if you need a hug, or want to go shopping, I’m here.

I await your comeback, Joaquin.  Good day.