Edited by Lester Brathwaite on
2011 is almost upon us and we all know what that means: time to set lofty goals we are neither prepared nor willing to keep! This time around, however, I’ve decided to aim a little lower. Instead of promising myself that I’ll work out more, eat less or not openly hate Taylor Swift/Momsen, I’m resolving to refine my wardrobe.
1. Wear more fur. I want to be on PETA‘s “Most Wanted List” in 2011. Hell, I’d kill a family of chinchillas, skin them and wear them if I could. Nature is going to shit anyway, so why not put those endangered species to good use? Drape me from head to stiletto in fur and if possible, blood diamonds — I will single-handedly ruin what’s left of this world.
2. No more jeggings. This is a hard one. I officially own more pairs of jeggings than I do of actual jeans, but the trend is already becoming horribly outdated. Still, on a bloated day, there’s nothing more comfortable than breathable cotton. Except maybe breathable cotton and a pint of Mint Chocolate Chip iced cream. I mean, you’re already bloated, might as well go down with the ship.
3. Find shoes that actually fit me. Yesterday I found a bit of blood in my socks from my combat boots digging unmercifully into my heels. And my pinky toe is all but dead from being constantly wedged into vintage shoes. But sometimes you have to pounce on a Cuban heel and suck it up for the sake of fashion.
4. Learn to tie a bowtie. Right now I only (sadly) have one bowtie, a clip on chambray from American Apparel. However, it behooves a gentleman to know how to properly affix a bowtie. That, and to mix a proper cocktail and to properly kiss another man with tongue.
5. Rely less on H&M. Gaga knows I love those damned Swedes. The majority of my wardrobe derives from Hennes and Mauritz, but as my style and tastes develop, I will inevitably have to stray from the flock. However, if they continue with their all-star collaborations, I might have to throw this resolution under the bus, much like the year I decided to “cut back on drinking.”
6. Bring back the ascot. This has been a resolution of mine since I was about 14 and why not?, it’s a perfectly reasonable neck accessory that doesn’t at all remind people of hapless, blond, teenaged snoops. Over the years, I’ve periodically worn ascots to varying degrees of success. Once, I wore it on a job interview and I like to think it had nothing to do with my not receiving a callback.
7. Get photographed by The Sartorialist. This is partly just me stroking my own vanity. Okay, it’s completely just me stroking my own vanity, but dammit, do you think I’m walking around in capes, sequins and harem pants for fun?! Okay, I totally am, but I would at least like it documented for posterity’s sake.
8. Find a practically-sized day bag. When traipsing about New York, I like to be prepared for any and everything, thus I carry a man purse that would put Mary Poppins’ magical carpet bag to shame. More than once have I pulled out a coat rack from the depths of my tote, but no longer! I’m actually contemplating a stylish backpack (suggestions, anyone?), or a medium-sized tote for my everyday travels. And that’s what I like to call “progress.”
9. Find a good tailor. A good tailor is absolutely essential — not just to let out one’s clothing after gorging on holiday fare, though that in itself is god’s work — but sometimes the perfect pair of pants can be a bit too big or a bit too short. Enter a tailor and for a few bucks, those Cheap Mondays look a little less cheap.
10. Shop more. The bottom-line to all this resolving and promise-making is that I need to step up my shopping game. That means I’ve got to throw around more plastic than an Ultimate Frisbee championship, roll out more dough than a pizzeria and carry more bags than Oprah‘s eyes.
It’s a tough job, but in order to truly make a change in 2011, it’s necessary.
Yes. I. Can.
Cartoon: Political Graffiti