Edited by Lester Brathwaite on
Manolo Blahnik, Tabitha Simmons and Bruno Frison all warned against wearing platforms. With all due respect, I can’t sit by and let them perpetuate this hate-speech, so below are 5 perfectly good (although perhaps not morally-sound) reasons to keep teetering on those stilettoed heels.
1. They’re good for your sole. Believe it or not, a platform only helps ease the pain of wearing high heels by providing an extra layer of comfort. So when you’re stepping on the carcasses of anyone who dared stand in your way on the ladder to the top, you’re arches will be fully supported.
2. You’ll tower above the competition. A platform also adds an extra inch or two to an already spiky heel, giving you the extra height needed to grab for that last sequined Dolce clutch or to slap away the French-tipped fingers of the trash jostling for it next to you.
3. Is that a stripper pole? Sign me up! Slip on those Lucite heels and pop in that Carmen Electra stripperobics DVD, it’s time to get sassy. Platform heels are great to dance in and make you feel all kinds of sexy, even when you’re grinding your junk all over a greased up pole. Or one of these.
4. Beauty is on the foot of the beholder. The best platform heels — we’re talking Balenciaga‘s architectural arches, Prada‘s fun and funky wedges and YSL‘s hairy-heeled stilettos — are works of art that require a public viewing.
5. Flats are the devil’s footwear. Plain and simple, flats are bringing about the downfall of civilization. Just think about it. Flats are easy and suddenly life’s so easy everyone becomes complacent, then complacence breeds laziness and laziness breeds stupidity, next thing you know we’re all picking our noses and staring blankly into space while listening to President Palin’s State of the Union Address. It all adds up.