Miss Cleo’s 9 Predictions for Sh*t That Will Definitely Go Down in Fashionville in 2013
Call Meh Now!!!
Prediction 1. Kim Kardashian will finally get an invite to the MET Gala by the EIC who also got her start in porn. The invitation will be addressed to “Miss Baby Mama West.” A few months later, Kim will become the first reality TV star to grace the cover of Vogue, followed by one of the Real Housewives in 2014. The successful sales of these issues will eventually lead to a cover by the youngest person to ever get the coveted September issue, Honey Boo Boo.
Prediction 2. Leandra Medine will get pregnant, hide the baby bumb under unnecessary layers of mismatched patterns for nine months, and eventually reveal her baby to WWD. Soon after she’ll write a post on how the ultimate Manrepelling accessory a woman can carry is a pissing, shitting, crying newborn.
Prediction 3. Kate Moss will pull a Heidi and leave her musician husband for her bodyguard. Terry Richardson will be the first to break the news through a post on Terry’s Diary which will feature a frisky, topless Moss (is there any other) getting hot n heavy with her man servant. Suddenly, the industry for supermodel bodyguard’s will become flooded with entrants, being called the most lucrative career of 2013 by Forbes.
Prediction 4. Grace Coddinton’s memoir will be made into a Lifetime movie. Lindsay Lohan will play a young Grace. Everyone will talk about it, no one will watch.
Prediction 5. Anna Wintour will finally launch an Instagram account. Fashionville will shit itself over the news and the surprising reveal that all of Anna’s photos feature her doing duck face in trucker hats in her home mirror.
Prediction 6. Bryanboy and Andrej Pejic will start dating. A few months later, they’ll both get pregnant.
Prediction 7. Galliano will make a comeback through funding by a secretive Hollywood investor. His first collection called “Spring Time for Hitler” will feature models with Chaplin-style mustaches and army march walking. He’ll claim it wasn’t meant to offend the jews and that some of his best friends are Jewish. Surprisingly, Mel Gibson will be sitting front row.
Prediction 8. After 3 painful episodes, and no appearance by a young Samantha Jones, The Carrie Diaries will be cancelled. A few months later, Sex and the City 3 will hit theaters, and follow the original cast as they move to Boca Raton to retire in a shared apartment after Mr.Big, Steve, and the bald jewish dude die of the following; heart attack over Carrie’s rising shoe spending (when did Manolo’s start costing $2995 a pair!?!), the shocking realization that Miranda doesn’t like sex cause she’s a diker, and viagra overdose. Betty White will make a cameo. Closing credits will include a remix of “Thank You for Being a Friend” by Katy Perry.
Prediction 9. Azealia Banks will call Perez Hilton a faggot on Twitter. Oh wait, did that already happen? Damn Miss Cleo, you’re good, you’re good.