by Lester Brathwaite on
You ever wonder what celebrities would look like if they were normal people? Yeah, me neither, but luckily someone did and here are the benefits of their hard work. Ladies and ladies, say hello to Celebrities from the Midwest!
Now this isn’t so much what Britney would look like if she was from the Midwest so much as what Britney will look like in five years. Hair looks good, girl!
How fitting, Sarah Jessica Parker next to a horse. I love the bridle she’s wearing though. Chanel?
After a long day at the secretarial pool, Jennifer Aniston (who actually would be married in Bizarro Midwestern Land) drops by the DQ for a qucik dinner of ice cream and salty tears.
David Beckham‘s dreams of soccer stardom just didn’t pan out after knocking up Victoria in high school. He settled down, working for Vick’s pop’s insurance company and has several mistresses, like this lamb:
Town skank, Tara Reid. Victoria’s seen her in the parking lot of the A&P and has more than once tried to run her down in her Chevy minivan.
Nicole Kidman is currently serving twenty years in jail for murdering her husband whom she claimed was a “latent homosexual.”
No, not this one. John Travolta is still alive and kicking after his third triple bypass and second double chin-ectomy.
Ah, yes, poor Tom Cruise. He came to a grizzly end when Kidman used a hot waffle iron to make grilled cheese with his face. Then ate it.
On a happier note, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are doing just fine. They have twelve kids, and Anthony is 85% sure that at least half of them are his.
After years of living the single life, Ashlee Simpson finally managed to settle down.
She found an unlikely soul mate in Cameron Diaz, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers. Cam may not be the sharpest stiletto on the shoe tree, but Ashlee says she more than makes up for it in the boudoir.
Wild stallion and all-round bad ass, Johnny Depp, can usually be found riding his hog, shooting beer cans or gearing up for a good ole-fashioned lynchin’ with the boys.
As you can see, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are still quite the fashion plates. They even made these dresses! Not that you could tell. Ashley made hers from six discarded king size bed sheets. And MK wrapped a towel around her then tied it with electrical tape. Brilliant.
Paris Hilton, unfortunately lost her mind back in the fifth grade when she started showing up to class without any panties, speaking in a strange baby’s voice and claiming to have invented the phrase “That’s hot.” She’s in a mental hospital where she’s especially popular with some of the…more masculine girls.
Pam Anderson has done well for herself. A successful office manager at a funeral home, she gets all the embalming fluid she likes, which she then uses for throwing homestyle Botox parties.
Eyes were raised in town when Michael Douglas showed up with this young chippy on his arm, Catherine Zeta-Jones. But it turns out they’re just father and daughter who have an incestuous relationship. And that’s old hat. For a second, people thought she might have been Mexican or a Jew. Imagine?
A former Ms. Pine-Sol, Gwen Stefani still has her looks, even if she’s keeping them in her hair and cleavage. But she learned that “a woman’s beauty is the only thing she has or ever will have and once that’s gone, she might as well down a bottle of Ajax and wait for Jesus to come and take her back to Heaven in his divine pick-up truck.” Words of wisdom from her mama:
Sharon Stone. 80 years old and doesn’t look a day over 69.