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by on November 19, 2010

You ever wonder what celebrities would look like if they were normal people? Yeah, me neither, but luckily someone did and here are the benefits of their hard work. Ladies and ladies, say hello to Celebrities from the Midwest!

Bizarro Celebrities from the Midwest of Doom!

Now this isn’t so much what Britney would look like if she was from the Midwest so much as what Britney will look like in five years. Hair looks good, girl!

Bizarro Celebrities from the Midwest of Doom!

How fitting, Sarah Jessica Parker next to a horse. I love the bridle she’s wearing though. Chanel?

Bizarro Celebrities from the Midwest of Doom!

After a long day at the secretarial pool, Jennifer Aniston (who actually would be married in Bizarro Midwestern Land) drops by the DQ for a qucik dinner of ice cream and salty tears.

Bizarro Celebrities from the Midwest of Doom!

David Beckham‘s dreams of soccer stardom just didn’t pan out after knocking up Victoria in high school. He settled down, working for Vick’s pop’s insurance company and has several mistresses, like this lamb:

Bizarro Celebrities from the Midwest of Doom!

Town skank, Tara Reid. Victoria’s seen her in the parking lot of the A&P and has more than once tried to run her down in her Chevy minivan.

Bizarro Celebrities from the Midwest of Doom!

Nicole Kidman is currently serving twenty years in jail for murdering her husband whom she claimed was a “latent homosexual.”

Bizarro Celebrities from the Midwest of Doom!

No, not this one. John Travolta is still alive and kicking after his third triple bypass and second double chin-ectomy.

Bizarro Celebrities from the Midwest of Doom!

Ah, yes, poor Tom Cruise. He came to a grizzly end when Kidman used a hot waffle iron to make grilled cheese with his face. Then ate it.

Bizarro Celebrities from the Midwest of Doom!

On a happier note, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are doing just fine. They have twelve kids, and Anthony is 85% sure that at least half of them are his.

Bizarro Celebrities from the Midwest of Doom!

After years of living the single life, Ashlee Simpson finally managed to settle down.

Bizarro Celebrities from the Midwest of Doom!

She found an unlikely soul mate in Cameron Diaz, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers. Cam may not be the sharpest stiletto on the shoe tree, but Ashlee says she more than makes up for it in the boudoir.

Bizarro Celebrities from the Midwest of Doom!

Wild stallion and all-round bad ass, Johnny Depp, can usually be found riding his hog, shooting beer cans or gearing up for a good ole-fashioned lynchin’ with the boys.

Bizarro Celebrities from the Midwest of Doom!

As you can see, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are still quite the fashion plates. They even made these dresses! Not that you could tell. Ashley made hers from six discarded king size bed sheets. And MK wrapped a towel around her then tied it with electrical tape. Brilliant.

Bizarro Celebrities from the Midwest of Doom!

Paris Hilton, unfortunately lost her mind back in the fifth grade when she started showing up to class without any panties, speaking in a strange baby’s voice and claiming to have invented the phrase “That’s hot.” She’s in a mental hospital where she’s especially popular with some of the…more masculine girls.

Bizarro Celebrities from the Midwest of Doom!

Pam Anderson has done well for herself. A successful office manager at a funeral home, she gets all the embalming fluid she likes, which she then uses for throwing homestyle Botox parties.

Bizarro Celebrities from the Midwest of Doom!

Eyes were raised in town when Michael Douglas showed up with this young chippy on his arm, Catherine Zeta-Jones. But it turns out they’re just father and daughter who have an incestuous relationship. And that’s old hat. For a second, people thought she might have been Mexican or a Jew. Imagine?

Bizarro Celebrities from the Midwest of Doom!

A former Ms. Pine-Sol, Gwen Stefani still has her looks, even if she’s keeping them in her hair and cleavage. But she learned that “a woman’s beauty is the only thing she has or ever will have and once that’s gone, she might as well down a bottle of Ajax and wait for Jesus to come and take her back to Heaven in his divine pick-up truck.” Words of wisdom from her mama:

Bizarro Celebrities from the Midwest of Doom!

Sharon Stone. 80 years old and doesn’t look a day over 69.

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Contributed by Lester Brathwaite

I was center square from 1969 to 1978, during which I perfected the art of the zing as well as a crippling cocaine addiction. Bea Arthur was responsible for both. @LesFabian lester dot brathwaite at gmail