The Bashed

Anna Nicole Biopic Proves It Really is Difficult to Act Like a Bad Actress

Can’t even begin to express my excitement over this steaming pile of camp. I will watch it, make a drinking game, then watch it again, make a pill popping game, then watch it again, then die, then return from the dead to narrate my story.  Oh, lordy how wonderful you are for bestowing upon us this masterful work of cinematic genius.

Can someone off Paris Hilton already?  I don’t want to miss out on the opportunity to sign Willa Ford to play the late heiress. Cause you know the chicks gonna be accepting an Oscar after this instant classic.

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So this May Very Well Be the Darkest Day in Fashion. Perez Hilton, the Douchiest Gossip Blogger of All Time, Is Releasing a Clothing Line. Proceed to Vomit as of Right … NOW.

You too can look like this. I bet you’re excited. 

Oh, God! First the Paris Hilton Doll and now this.

Further proving that Hot Topic is the least relevant of fast retailers, the chain of mall stores (I believe they only exist in Middle America) are signing on gossip columnist/posterboy for late term abortions, Perez Hilton, for a collection of shitty tees, flip-flops and other completely undesirable items for their creatively titled “Perez Hilton for Hot Topic” line.  The collection will include Perezcious Pink and Gossip Gangster inspired items.

“It seems natural to make products that my readers will love and hopefully some guys will rock it too,” Perez said in a statement on Tuesday. “Some people might even call me a perfectionist (such perfection in drawing coke lines on celebrity pictures), well that person would be me! I’m very passionate about my brand. I have extremely high standards and I like to get my hands dirty!”“I’m most excited to finally see on the shelves products that are good and affordable for my readers. I actively sought out Hot Topic for that reason.”

“I keep seeing these lines from the likes of Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag that give me nightmares,” he says. “My brand will be very conscious of my audience.”

Hears a little SAT prep for you. Lauren Conrad’s fashion line is to nightmares, as Perez Hilton’s fashion line is to _______ .

If you said “being gang raped by a pack of wild, rabies infected gibbons covered in month old fecal mater and then taking a sawed off shotgun to the forehead when you discover two weeks later you are pregnant with one of their demon spawn, oh yeah, and you’re a man” then you are correct.

I know none of the readers of this site would be caught dead in a Hot Topic (and that’s why we love you) but it is extremely important to encourage others to stay farther away from this collection than you would from Perez’s downwind. A mean breath of this collection may lead people to think you’re a flamingly gay, ignorant failed actor with homophobic tendencies and bad hair who wishes for a day when his penis isn’t lodged between two massive rolls of fat.

Stay away from this like the plague. It wouldn’t even be funny if you bought the collection to be “ironic”. A sale is a sale and Perez Hilton is not smart enough to realize when people are buying his stuff to be dicks.

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Fashion F*cks: Sarah Silverman Reminds Us Once Again Why She’s Someone to Laugh At

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Dear Sarah Silverman,

Where do I begin?

Upon seeing you on the red carpet of the Met Costume Ball I began to wonder, “Who the fuck would be stupid enough to invite Sarah Silverman to the Met Costume Ball? I mean she has the style of a six-year old boy and without proper help from a stylist (which I pray you didn’t pay for considering the result) she will probably be the worst dressed of the night (you weren’t, that honor goes to Kimora Lee Simmons. More on her in the next post).”  But alas, someone did invite you and you did decide to hit the party.  Why didn’t Anna Wintour check the list and dis-invite you ala Rachael Zoe is anyones guess, but here you are hand on your hip other hand on your head wondering “How in the fuck did I get invited to this thing?” as you honestly should be considering.

While I would never judge you on your comedic timing (stating that prison guards were getting ready for Paris Hilton’s time in jail by painting dicks on the bars was truly inspired) your sense of style is completely out of touch. Like in the picture above, where you are wearing a) way too much clothes, b) something that would better be suited on a cow heading to the slaughter, and c) striped gloves you probably bagged from Jimbo.

I’ve almost figured out your superhero inspiration. I’m assuming it’s the bizarre Polka.Dot Man, who terrified Batman and Robin with his exploding periods. Hopefully that’s not a power you share with the villain (although with your love of sharting, abortions and faking the hiv, an explosive period probably isn’t too far from your stand-up potential).

So Sarah, please, please, please stop trying to look like you have any sense of style. You don’t. It’s sad yet true.  Funny girls cannot be hot.

Loves and Disses,

Daniel Saynt

PS. Your tits look awesome. So, I’ve got to give you that much.

 

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TrendSpark: The Leather Face

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Tan 

 

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Tanner 

 

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Tannest… 

Nothing says”I’m a famous designer from the 80s” better than having overly tanned, leather-like skin. The Costume Bash at the MET brought out a who’s who of crypt ready keepers of couture, who made most of the room smell like fresh slabs of beef jerky. Mmm, delicious.

To achieve this oh so fabulous look, spend at least 10-15 hours a day in a tanning bed covered in butter and select spices from the Roberto Cavalli seasoning collection. Soon your skin will become untouchable, for fear that even the slightest brush up will send enough pain to your system and evoke an instant seizure. Swallowing your tongue is so not stylish. Once you have burned through your epidermis, begin peeling off your alligator like hide. Underneath you will find perfectly fresh, Donatella Versace-like skin that will leave all in awe of your fabulous beauty and crisp orange skin.  Wallow in their envy of you. Repeat as necessary.

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Couture Campaigning

Simon Doonan imagines a world in which Rachel Zoe is the political candidates’ latest advisor, and the campaign trail resembles a runway — and what a wonderful world it is.

Simon Doonan used to think politicians’ wardrobes were off-limits. Pols are meant to be dowdy, he writes in the New York Observer. But lately, the increasingly bitter battle for the Democratic nomination has lead to a change of heart, as has the constant pestering by journalists who want commentary on Barack Obama’s ties every 20 minutes. “Maybe those fashion-obsessed journalists are on to something. Maybe it would perk things up a bit to add a little stylish sizzle into the mix,” he writes. So he fantasizes about rushing to Washington with a “U-Haul stuffed with this season’s high-fashion drag” to “Rachel Zoe” the political candidates and their spouses. Thanks to the magic of Photoshop, we’ve created mock ups of his vision:

 

From left: Hillary in Comme Des Garçons; Barack in Jean Paul Gaultier; and McCain in Lanvin. Photo illustrations by Everett Bogue; Photos: imaxtree, Getty Images

Hillary Clinton:

[W]hen she’s not working the Balenciaga, she could go all Japanese avant-garde with a little Comme Des Garçons.

Barack Obama:

The Clockwork Orange-inspired fall collection from Jean Paul Gaultier seems appropriate for the current brawl.

John McCain:

[A] little foppish Lanvin could soften his image and solidify those histrionic Gay Republicans.

 

Michelle Obama in Dior and Bill Clinton in Thom Browne Photo illustrations by Everett Bogue; Photos: imaxtree, Getty Images

Michelle Obama:

[T]he excesses of John Galliano’s Dior collection—especially that crazy Pat McGrath maquillage—would certainly put Ms. McCain on her guard.

Bill Clinton:

What could he possibly wear to complement his high-fashion co-conspirator? I’ve got it! And it’s American-made, too! Yes, I’m talking Thom Browne. The spank-me-I’ve-been-naughty perversity of Mr. Browne’s fall collection seems more than apropos.

 

Source: NY Magazine

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Heidi Montag Wrinkled and STILL NOT a designer!!!

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The Bashed: Junya Wantanbe for Lacoste

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The Satchel said it best. The new collaboration with Junya Wantanbe MAN and Lacoste is by far the most laziest, lamest and unnecessary partnership in the history of design. They must have beat Junya over the head with a hammer before asking him to come up with these unoriginal polo’s.

“Yes, I will change the color of the alligator emblem and then sell the polos for $100 more than traditional retail.”

You would think Junya would have made a better effort on this line, but sometimes it’s just about the name and has nothing to do with making good fashion.  Or maybe they just didn’t want to send their overstock of polo’s to T.J Maxx or Marshall’s and figured a collaboration with Junya would have been cheaper than paying for shipping?

Source: SatchelofGravel

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Michelle Trachtenberg: Gossip Girl, Jewelry Designer, Bitch Who Just Stepped Into My Territory

Michelle Trachtenberg is officially on my bashed list.

Aside from staring in one of televisions most unintelligent attempts to justify bitchism amongst today’s young women, Michelle has a jewelry line (yet another celebrity designer) and a, dun dun dun, FASHION BLOG!!!  Bitch you just stepped into a mean old territory reserved for unemployed writers, stay-at-home mommas, and me. I will give you a few seconds to end your attempt to speak as if you know anything about anything and allow you to slink away from the online spotlight to star in Eurotrip 2.

Why is it that celebrities feel they can be a jack of all trades? Scarlett’s singing, Fergie’s acting, and just about every celebrity is designing. It would be really nice if these celebrities stopped trying to be a little bit of everything and just focussed on their craft.  Then maybe they wouldn’t suck so bad and might get better roles or at least be more respected.

Michelle, from one blogger to another (sorry I just vomited a little in my mouth), please quit your attempt to be in touch with an online audience. No one wants to read about what you wore on Gossip Girls (okay some people might), but we definitely don’t care about your cheesy jewelry line. Instead of spending your time at home crafting over-priced knick-knacks, get your ass out to industry functions, charity events, or other spots where you can get photographed and noticed. Build up some more recognition for your most profitable brand, you’re not half-bad face and perky rack.  No one is expecting you to blog or design. We just want you to act. So get you’re butt out their and whore the shit out of yourself to the industry. That will surely prevent you from having time to use your hands to designer or blog.

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Rolling Stone Catches The Aneurysm…Anna Wintour Weeps!

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It was bad enough when the girls from the ‘Hills’ invaded our homes with their fake reality show, their petty problems and their emaciated carcasses.  It was even worse when they decided that they would force their “talent” as “designers” on we the fashion devoted like a prison yard bully that won’t take no for an answer.  But NOW,  they’ve poo’ed all over pop culture with the help of Rolling Stone.  Bad magazine, BAD!

Clearly Satan and Hitler are running Rolling Stone via conference call from the pit of hell.  The magazine has been getting more and more questionable as the years have passed but it’s officially popped a whole bottle of OxyContin and suicided itself with this desecration of Americana.  How in the world do you have legendary covers with the likes of Jimi Hendrix,  Prince, Curt Cobain, Tina Turner, The Beatles and then you drop aaaallllll the way down to the bottom of society for relentless attention whores?!  What kind of Tom Follery is that?!

So help me magnificent Christ Jesus if Vogue (money hungry viper) puts anyone of them on the cover. I will burn with the anger of 3 million Lindsey Lohan firecrotches and Anna Wintour will meet an untimely but well deserved demise…………love ya Winnie!

- Z’maji of HauteBlogXOXO

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Pondering Alber Elbaz for Acne Jeans

Another day, another designer collaboration.

Alber Elbaz from Lanvin for Acne Jeans.

Everyone’s talking about it. Are you?

I’m not cause it’s just not that exciting to me. What can Alber possibly do to jeans that hasn’t already been done by better designers a million times before?

Maybe I’m just not as much as a sucker, but when a big name designer decides to partner with a company for something as specific as jeanswear, it usually means a bunch of overhyped, overpriced unstylish garbage which shouldn’t be worn by anyone with half a stylish braincell cause a) everyone will be able to identify it, which means b) you’re really starved for attention and c) you have too much money to spend on getting noticed.

So ladies, before you drop $500 for a pair of Acne Jeans (just thinking they’ll be in that range cause of Lanvin’s history) realize that no one thinks you’re as special as you believe yourself to be. Seriously, no one.

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Lauren Conrad. The Blogger?

lauren conradLauren Conrad is officially invading my territory so I feel this is the best time to tell the bitch to back the fuck up.  College Tonight, a social networking site aimed at campus communities, has just hired the failed designer to talk about her opinions on fashion, style and being a complete pimple on the ass of society.

I wonder if this will pull from her time as an intern/reality star/designer.  It’s called stretching yourself thin Lauren, something Paris has a ton of experience in.  Pull the reigns or face the terror of being so in everyone’s face, they all turn on you, and move on to something younger.

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Kieth Richards Doesn’t Care About the Planet

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Interesting interview I found courtesy of TimesOnline.

At 64, Keith Richards hasn’t mellowed. With Shine A Light, Martin Scorsese’s documentary on the Rolling Stones, recently released, he could focus on the autobiography he is co-writing with James Fox, the author of White Mischief. Or he could begin cataloging his 3,000 guitars. Either way, he won’t worry much about the planet, despite starring in the recent Louis Vuitton ad, for which service Vuitton donated a fee to Al Gore’s Foundation.

“I’ve been invented by the media. I’m just a minstrel. I didn’t want to be a rock star, just play music. I realized that to do that, you had to be famous. It has nothing to do with wanting to be a star.”

Bill Wyman is the biggest dandy. But Charlie Watts is the most stylish member. He spends his time on the beauty and the cut of clothing. There he is on Savile Row, and I’m the fashion icon? When I got older I wore my old lady’s clothes. If you notice, all the buttons are the other side.”

” I wore whatever my mother put me in when I was little. Boring shorts and wee T-shirts. I wore school uniforms. I hated brown shoes. I started dressing up when I had to find what fitted. Fashion thinks more about me than what I think about it. I just wore what I wore and people noticed. The sexiest thing a woman could wear? Being stark f***ing naked.”

“Show me a woman who is faithful, and I won’t believe you.”

“I don’t do underwear. I never do the washing. How would I know whether my clothes stink? I throw them away.”

“I love books … a well-dressed mind! Patrick O’Brian, Milton and Shakespeare are my favorite writers. And then the Bible. King Lear is my favorite character who isn’t insane. It’s only people who are insane who think they’re not.

“Skulls remind us that underneath it all, we are all the same. Beauty is only skin-deep.”

“I can’t say I’m bothered about the fate of the planet. I got a guitar case out of Louis Vuitton. They paid me a lot of money and it’s all going to charity. I’m going to charity.”

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Da Pope Be Stylin’ On Yawl Girlz!

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Baby, ya’ll ain’t even ready for this jelly! Pope Benedict was lookin’ O-SO-KRISPIE on his trip to these here United States. In the wake of his visit, I felt it necessary to point out his…………*ahem* chaming ensemble. Note the blingage and the pimp cape and the red hooker shoes, soooo sexy - I know I’m horny, “Oh yea Pope’y gimme the good stuff!”.

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Of course my favorite part of this “look”, is the paper hat in all it’s 2ply, 300 sheet, Scott tissue fabulousnesses. OIe boy is ready for a wine chuggin’ Easter Sund’y.

I know his churchiness is required to wear AAAALLLL white but I don’t even think sweet Mojito flavored Jesus would approve of this blatant disregard of fashion do’s and dont’s. I know there’s a scripture in the good book denouncing lookin’ a mess and ministering God’s word, but I digress. But let us be totally honest……….isn’t he really just wearing a couture gown?………..an ugly one, but a couture gown none the less. All he needs now is a drug habit and a promiscuous vagina and he’ll be Paris Hilton *rimshot*

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My dear homie “Slaus” of OHNblog pointed out a fact that I had been trying to ignore about Pope Benni looking like the emperor from the Star Wars movies…………………….but I won’t even point out that fact…….that would just be rude…..so I just won’t point it out……..even tho’ it’s obvious………but it’d be rude……so I won’t point it out……..nope……not gonna point that out….

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