Stuff Fashion People Like

Stuff Fashion People Like #23 Carrie Jessica Bradshaw

If you really want to get in good with fashion people then you better know as many facts as possible about their favorite superhero, Carrie Bradshaw and her less fabulous alternate ego, Sarah Jessica Parker. The origin of this fashion heroine can be traced to the early 90’s, when failed actress Parker was down on her luck and ready to put an end to her dreams of A-list stardom. Movie roles had dried up and her days as a precocious teenager on “” were far behind her. While on the shoot for the Lifetime movie, “Breast Cancer, Retarded Babies, Divorce and The Day I Got Raped” Parker was visited by an old gypsy from the ancient kingdom of Lesbonia by the name of Patricia Fields. The gypsy handed Parker a mystical stiletto that when put on would instantly transform her into a famous fashion icon, but she warned that a curse was upon the shoes and in the process she would completely be typecast and would only see success in the role of one character. Parker instantly removed the fake pregnant belly and bald cap she had donned for her upcoming scene and put on the fateful footwear. Instantly, Parker’s frizzy locks straightened, her monster snooze shrunk, and her mind became filled with the supreme knowledge of couture and the full years schedule of international fashion weeks.

As Carrie Bradshaw, Parker was hired to play Candice Bushnell on an HBO show based on her New York Observer column, Sex and the City. The producers loved Carrie Bradshaw’s name so much, they decided to keep it, and Carrie Bradshaw’s name made it’s first connection to fame. The show was an instant success, thanks in major part to Parker suggesting that the old gypsy be brought on as costume designer. Women and gay men everywhere (so basically the whole fashion world) instantly fell in love with Carrie Bradshaw, making the show a massive hit. When the show went off the air, fashion people were devastated thinking their hero would be gone forever, but like any good comic hero death (Batman, Spiderman, Superman) Parker, dressed as Carrie, returned with a perfume, a fashion line for Dave & Barry’s, and multiple ad campaigns for the GAP (okay so most of those sounded more like Parker moves, but can you blame her for trying to make a buck). Parker was quickly feeling the sting of not being Carrie Bradshaw. In an attempt to test the gypsies curse she decided to make movies as Sarah Jessica Parker. Each attempt led to box office failure and it seemed that Sarah would slowly recede back into fame obscurity, only remembered as that fashion heroine from long ago.

Not wanting to be completely forgotten, Parker launched a campaign for the return of Carrie Bradshaw and Sex and the City. A team of writers were brought on to bring back the famous television show and create a story line that would completely ignore the happy endings told at the end of the series, opening new wounds and positioning its telling as a movie which would give Parker her first Hollywood blockbuster ever. Carrie Bradshaw’s face would be planted everywhere and her glorious return would be announced to her adorning fashion public. The gypsy was once again on hand (causing her to leave new Carrie in training Lucy Liu) and was asked to bring upon a new era of Carrie, a longer lasting era which would forever place her in the ethos of fashion. The gypsy brought 82 costume changes.

The movie hit theaters and the rest will surely be history as Carrie Bradshaw continues to slowly replace the actress once known as Sarah Jessica Parker. Wait, you thought this was a happy ending. Nah, son. That stiletto the gypsy gave her was actually a parasitic symbiote, similar to that black goo that tries to take over mild-mannered Peter Parker in Spiderman 3 and eventually creates Venom. Sarah Jessica Parker has been long gone, I think the last time she was seen was in that movie “The Family Stone” in which she played an unstylish New Yorker. After that shit fest, Sarah gave up on being her own person and Carrie Bradshaw won. You see the gypsy was really a witch, the stiletto a demonic spell, and the rest was just an Academy Award for Patricia Fields.

Where’s Parkers Oscar? Good question.

The moral of the story kids is beware of gypsies. They’ll get you every time.

All photos from SarahJessicaParkerLooksLikeaHorse.com

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Stuff Fashion People Like #22 Karl Lagerfeld

Oh, Karl, you mad, cad man.

Karl Lagerfeld is the Godfather of fashion. Like a more fashionable Brando, Karl lights up a screen with a fervor that is ill adjusted, yet seemingly appropriate for his old age. Few designers hold such clout and deserved recognition in the fashion world as much as the white-haired-one, and his sense of style and understanding of youth culture is almost enough old fart credidation to make John McCain seem like a viable Presidential client. The posterboy for “I’ll Retire When I’m Good and Dead”, Karl’s long standing pact with the Devil (Wintour this time, though it is very possible that Karl will live to 100 for one he crafted with the actual prince of darkness) has ensured that he remains at the helm of two of the most powerful fashion brands in the world, Chanel and Fend.

Fashion people love Karl Lagerfeld. They have seen Lagerfeld Confidential. They have owned/lusted over/or rocked a bootleg Chanel bag in an attempt to connect to his genius. They have read and memorized The Karl Lagerfeld Diet. To all extents and purposes, Karl Lagerfeld is the fashionable father of every fashionista and gay boy who dreams of one day designing couture. He is grandpa fashion, and because of that there are a few rules you need to know when talking about him to other fashion people.

Rule Number 1. Karl Lagerfeld is not old. This is a hard one to swallow but one that must be obeyed for fear of retribution by the strictest of fashion devotees. Karl can be described as young at heart, in touch with the cultural generation, but mention his age (about 75 years old) and you might be castrated.

Rule Number 2. Karl Lagerfeld is a genius. He has never really done anything but design, but he is a genius. You should be ready to quote his accomplishments and favorite collections. If you don’t, fashion people will assume you are an idiot and ignore you until you lose 93 pounds on his diet.

Rule Number 3. Karl Lagerfeld understands youth. He runs two major fashion labels which appeal to rich kids. He’s friends with the Olsen Twins. And he’s in Grand Theft Auto 4. Let’s see your grandpa try to accomplish that shit.

Rule Number 4. Karl Lagerfeld wears his sunglasses at night. The theory behind this is that Karl died while trying to lose all that weight. He was replaced by a robot since Chanel and Fendi had invested shit loads of cash into his career. The glasses hide his dead, mechanical glare. The gloves, his exposed wires. Every fashion person is aware of this fact but fear that Lagerfeld Bot 2000 will sneak into their homes at night and strangle them with a Chanel handbag strap has kept anyone from exposing the truth. If you are ever in his presence it’s best to not make any direct eye contact. He can read your retinal pattern and identify you immediately. Once your in his database you’re marked for life so be careful.

Rule Number 5. Karl Lagerfeld wants to get into Hedi Slimane’s pants. It’s true.

(Knock at the door)

Daniel Saynt - “Who is it?”

Mechanical voice from the other side of the door - “It is your good friend Karl Lagerfeld. Would you like to hang out and play an invigorating game of Grand Theft Auto 4. Yo.”

(Loud beeps and bloops.)

Daniel Saynt - “No thanks man, I’m working. Maybe later.”

(Door busts open)

Lagerfeld Bot 2000 - “Does not compute. Does not compute. Kill. Kill. Kill”

Daniel Saynt - “No, please don’t. I’m just a lowly blogger. No. Agggg!!! I Fucking” *cough “hate” *choking “Chanel” Uggh!!

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Stuff Fashion People Like #21 Gay Fashion Designers

Marc Jacobs
Thom Browne
Michael Kors
Alber Elbaz
Sir Norman Hartnell
Christian Dior
Rudi Gernreich
Sir Hardy Amies
Yves Saint Laurent
Valentino Garavani
Roy Halston Frowick
Calvin Klein
Gianni Versace
Giorgio Armani
Willi Smith
Jean-Paul Gaultier
Alexandre Herchcovitch
Domenico Dolce
Stefano Gabbana
Tom Ford
Alexander McQueen
Isaac Mizrahi
Cristobal Balenciaga
Leigh Bowery
Ossie Clark
Perry Ellis
Etre (Romain de Tirtoff)
John Galliano
Jean Paul Gaultier
Karl Lagerfeld
William Ivey Long
Hedi Slimane
Alexander Wang
Richie Rich
Travis Rains

 

All men. All idiots.

Tom Ford

I just ate some garlic. You smell that.

Haha, silly woman, you wish I’d kiss you cause I’m so fucking sexy.

Female fashion people love them a gay designer.

Nearly every fashion-line out there has some inspiration or influence by a gay designer. In every major fashion house, there is at least one gay man pulling at the strings and creating works of fashion “art” which are unwearable, unbearably revealing and most of the time only flattering to .02% of the population. Why?

Cause gays are men. And men are idiots.

Not to get all on the side of feminism here, but why is it that so much of what you wear is influenced by a man? Men don’t know jack about woman and gay men are especially tuned out to your needs since nothing about your figure or body satisfies them physically. They’re looking for twigs and berries and all you offer is, well, you know what you have to offer. So who are gay men designing clothing for? If they were designing for women, don’t you think they would start with a sketch that’s more aligned with the way women really look, instead of designing clothes for stick figures? Last time I checked size two is not the normal woman. Gay designers don’t care about your weight issues, your insecurities, and your self destructive desire to fit their mold. Why else would so many gay male designers be opposed to the idea of enlisting a weight requirement on the runway? If they actually cared about women, wouldn’t they be the first to jump at the chance to properly represent them in their work? Why don’t they care?

Cause gays are men. And men are idiots.

Most of the clothing that makes up high-fashion are “outrageously-priced items worn by stick-thin, boobless models with boyish figures who have landed the job because their aesthetics appealed to some gay man somewhere who has no physical use for a woman other than as a walking hanger.” At least that’s the way Tracey Egan, editor of Jezebel.com, feels about the subject as quoted in her recent Vice magazine write up on why she hates fashion. So why do fashion people love gay designers?

Cause gays are men. And men are idiots.


Yeah, hold her down and make her drink pee.
Haha stupid girl, I bet you want me, but you can’t have me.

That’s right, women love gay designers cause they are men. And somewhere deep in the female conscienceness is a little programmed bug that tells us one thing, men rule the world. It’s because of this that more women haven’t stood up and demanded changes in fashion. It’s because of this that we have anorexic models paraded down the runway, emaciated with zero percent body fat, telling women that they are too fat if they are a size 6. And it’s because of this that nearly everything you’ll find in high fashion magazines like Vogue, Elle and Harpers Baazar is designed to make you feel like shit cause you aren’t a thin enough, sexy enough, or man enough to pull it off.

Cause gays think you’re fat. And women are idiots.

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Stuff Fashion People Like #20 Calling Designers by Their First Names As If They’re Friends or Something

“Me and Marc go way back. We used to be in band camp together.”

“Karl stopped by the other day and was so pissed that i-D blasted his collection.”

“I told Vera, I’d love for her to design my wedding dress, but I’d really prefer it if Roberto did it.”

Claim Jeremy as a friend and Kanye and Cory Kennedy get included for free 

As long as there have been fashion designers, there have been delusion nobodies that seem to think they know them.  Fashion people will insist without injury that they are related, best friends, or somehow connected to the top tier of who’s who designers. Marc Jacobs becomes Marc, their favorite drinking buddy, Tom Ford becomes Uncle Tom, their babies Godfather and Georgio Armani becomes George, their midnight confidant.

The reason why?  Cause after watching The Devil Wears Prada, one too many times, and hitting season after season of runway shows, fashion people become delusional, referring to designers they have never actually met as one name friendlies by which they “believe” they spend all their free time with.  Of course, the only course of action to combat such behavior is to embark on it yourself. When a fashion person randomly mentions a designer in a personal manner, just look them straight an the eye and say “You know [[insert designers first name here]]. We go way back, I was his intern/lover/dealer back in the day.  Do you have his number, I’d love to give him a call.”At this point the fashion person will take two possible courses of action.

99.9% of the time the person will begin to stutter and backtrack and admit that they don’t know the designer personally. Ignore these people at all costs as they are the plague of the fashion world.

Of course the other .1% of fashion people will get defensive and overly protective of the information you requested. If this is the case, you might actually be talking with someone who knows a famous designer.  Befriend them quickly, cause you never know when the call may come in to head to an all night kegger at said designers party.  Remember, no one parties harder than waif-like models on two hits of Columbia’s finest, no one.

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Stuff Fashion People Like #19 Stating Their “Style Rules”

Style RulesEvery single celebrity nobody seems to have style rules, because as you know celebrities have style…ists, which means they have a reason to open their traps and act like they know what the fuck their talking about. Nicky Hilton is the most recent designer/celebrity/leech on society to share her style rules (of course, with a failing collection and her sister slipping deeper and deeper into obscurity you have to wonder how much longer the public will deal with the less interesting Hilton).

Nicky’s rules included gems like Don’t buy up every “it bag.” They go out of style fast. Invest in a classic.” and “Wear color. It gets you noticed.“, which are completely useless unless you want to look like a poor imitation of Nicky Hilton, which is as bad as looking like Paris Hilton’s hairless clamshell (which seems to get more press and attention than Nicky herself). So without further ado indies, here are Daniel Saynt’s style rules. That’s right, I have my own.

1. The only stupid statement is one not made. Over think every single item you’re wearing cause if you can get dressed in like 10 minutes you’re not trying hard enough. The Satorialist is out their people and he will not take your pretty little picture if you look like an American Eagle ad. Dress until you bleed, then you might be worthy of being called stylish.

2. Stylish cities move. Los Angeles was the shit in the early 2000s, then Williamsburg took the crown, until London came along and kicked our asses. Next stop, Jamaica.

3. As soon as a celebrity wears it, it’s completely uncool, unless the celebrity is Chloe Sevigny, at which time you are looking at what will be cool in about five years. Seriously, it’s quite scary.

4. Gay men will always try and tell you what will make you look attractive. Don’t listen to them because they like dicks and last time I checked dicks are not attractive.

5. When all else fails, go naked. No one’s doing it and you will be heralded as a pioneer amongst the fashion elite as your stupid ass is escorted to prison.

6. If you’re stylish and you know it clap your hands. *clap*clap

7. Smoking adds “cool” to any outfit, so does cocaine and heroin needles so sprinkle sparingly.

8. Two words. Glitter Underwear.

9. If all else fails get pregnant. No one expects pregos to be stylish.

10. Rules are for idiots who hang on every word Tim Gunn/Stacey London/Robert Verdi/Carson Kressley/Nina Garcia/Rachel Zoe/Christine Schwab/Kate Spade/Tommy Hilfiger/Lloyd Boston/Brenda Kinsel/Clinton Kelly/Bradley Bayou/William Sledd spew. If you follow anyones style rules they should be your own. Truly stylish people break rules.

PS - Funny fact, non of the men listed in Rule 10 are straight. I’d call that a fashion epidemic. I’d like to volunteer my services as the first and only straight fashion guy in the universe, because this shit is bananas. Why do women insist on getting advice on how to look sexy from men who are “just not that into them”? Just saying.

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Stuff Fashion People Like #18 Saying “It’s Vintage”

There is nothing more gratifying to a fashion person than saying something is “vintage”.  It is by far the one thing that if they were allowed, would slip in and out of every single sentence they form. Dresses, shoes, seal skin knickers all things are game in the vintage game. Of course, it is a well held secret amongst fashion people that most of the shit they claim is from some era before H&M are actually from the house that Hennes & Mauritz built.

Shock. Awe. And more shock, right?  It’s true non-fashion people, most fashion people are liars that would rather claim something is old as Jesus than admit that they picked it up from the bargain bin of H&M, Urban Outfitters, or worse Forever 21.  The reason. While some might claim it’s due to the fact that in fashion years one season is more than enough time to claim something as “vintage” (it’s true we live in dog years), the truth is that fashion people are not allowed to claim that they shop at any fast retailers.

Ya see, a long, long time ago around the year that Tommy Hilfiger was reanimated by the Nazi’s to take over American fashion and Anna Wintour sacrificed Grace Mirabella to her father Bealzabub fewer brands were being marketed to the public in the pages of Vogue.  Fewer ads meant less direction for the proposed fashion elite.  Then came branding initiatives from Tommy, Cowboy Ralph and hundreds of other whores, which quickly created marketing opportunities to guide the hudled fashion masses.  The marketing came in the form of logos, labels and other easily identifiable images that defined how much something was worth. Wear a good label and suddenly your worth  a hell of a lot more.

Over the years this practiced defined which stores fashion people could shop at without looking like their poor unfashionable brethren.  Over-priced fashion was king and all was good in the land of Wintour.  Of course, then came the Vintage Craze and suddenly everyone wanted those shitty, labelless collections that fashion people had once shunned. A new wave of fashionistas we’re dropping serious dough on $10 J.C.Penny dresses from the 70’s and discounted Woolworth moo-moo’s from the 60’s.  The shitty fashions of yesteryears we’re becoming the must have items of today.  Which  brings us back to H&M, Urban Outfitters and Forever 21.  See, it’s okay for a fashion person to shop at those spots now, because even though they aren’t really vintage today, in a few years they will be, and to a fashion persons that’s good enough, which is why they will never claimed it’s discount chic, it’s vintage.

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Stuff Fashion People Like #17 Runway Falls

If you’re ever in the company of non-fashion people (perish the thought) and the conversation careens towards speak of things non-fashion things, people discuss don’t be surprised if what they choose to talk about is NASCAR. But, before any discussion of the “sport” sends you veerying for dirty martini and a long puff remember that NASCAR is surprisingly similar to a runway show, we all just want to see a crash.

The catwalk has always been a spectator sport, but now what all fashion people are secretly wishing for isn’t the perfect print or use of exotic leathers, it’s a full-on, cringe-inducing, knock a tooth out tumble from one the anorexic clothes hangers on the runway. This desire is deep suited in the narcissistic psyche of the fashion person, who at all times wants to look better than everyone in the room, even when half the room is filled with models.

When talking to a fashion person it’s important to have a few great runway spills in your memory. Here’s a list of our Top Ten Model Falls to keep you slightly more relevant that Rachel Zoe at the helm of Holsten.

1. Jessica Stam at Chloé, Fall 2006. It was the fall felt round the world — and thanks to YouTube, it was seen around the world too. Stam’s right foot tripped her up; her body to collapsed forward; her forehead hit the runway. It made even your most embarrassing schoolyard fall look weak. But while you probably would’ve burst into tears, this trooper got right back up — to applause.

 

2. Milana Bogolepova at Dior, Resort 2008. Stiletto sandals and swimsuit cover-up proved too much for poor Bogolepova, who tottered so badly that she hit the ground not once, but twice. Official blame fell on her pin-thin heels, though there were vicious whispers backstage of just how much pre-show champers was consumed.

 

3. Elise Crombez at Proenza Schouler, Spring 2007. Again, dangerous shoes were to blame. Crombez’s sky-high heels made her pitch forward, like a runner at the start line. The audience gasped, the photographers cringed, but somehow, the girl escaped with knees unscathed.

 

4. Kamila W. at Vivienne Westwood, Spring 2007. Kamila’s trip was excruciating — and hilarious. Her first tumble brought her to her knees. Then, after getting back up and fluffing her hair, her ankles give — and this time, she nearly broke them. Sadly, her fame seems to end here.

 

5. Iekeliene Stange at Marc Jacobs, Spring 2007. Faced with a slick runway, Stange gave up on trying to maneuver the catwalk in slippery shoes. She kicked off her sandals — to much applause — and continued the walk barefoot. Now that’s how to handle a fall.

 

6. Carmen Electra at Max Factor Fashion Show. Few falls bring as much joy as watching former Baywatch babe, Carmen Electra take a dive at a Max Factor Fashion Show. Rumors say that this fall created such a frenzy, that Carmen now refuses to allow photographers to take snaps of her runway adventures, as noted at a future performance at 2(x)ist Spring 2008.

 

Want more. Of course you do, you’re becoming a fashion person…

Model Falling at Karl Lagerfeld

Tiiu Kuik Falling on the runway of Oscar de la Renta

Naomi Campbell Falls on her Ass at Vivienne Westwood

Model Trip Up at Zac Posen

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