The Fashion Inquisition

Shit on a Stick!

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(Mischa Barton in ??? via Celebtopia)

Sorry for the inarticulate title, but there’s no other way to describe the 2008 Met Costume Ball. I pretty much knew from the moment the theme was announced that it was going to be a proverbial shit show. Superheroes and fashion? Really??? I know the gala has been pandering to Hollywood for years now, but why don’t you just cut the crap and make next year’s theme Hooray for Hollywood? That way you won’t confuse these celebrities and get something that is neither star-studded nor fashionable.

I had vain hopes that the guests would have a sense of humor about the obtuse theme and maybe run with it. But I forgot….celebrities don’t have a sense of humor nor are they creative-that’s why they have stylists! Well it seems like everyone’s stylists took the night off, that or somebody’s out of job tomorrow!

I truly didn’t think things could get any more hideous than 2004’s ‘Dangerous Liaisons’ themed gala. Which resulted in people wearing things like this….

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But boy was I wrong….

 

Enter at your own risk. More after the jump…

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The Begining of the End for Ms. Zoe

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(photo credit: Andrew Durham for the NYT)

There are a few fashion rules every good fashionista knows:

1. Black is the new Black

2. 0 is the new 2

3. And above all you don’t fuck with Anna Wintour. EVER! If she wants your first born, you better believe you’re going to give her your first born.

See what Oprah is to the entertainment community, Anna Wintour is to the fashion community. She can make you and just like that she can break you!

News comes today that Rachel Zoe’s has been dis-invited to the MET Costume Institute Gala a.k.a the Oscars of fashion. Zoe was originally an invited guests of designer Brian Atwood of Bailey’s-but now she says she was never planning to make the gala on Monday because of filming for her new reality show. She is either lying to make herself look better and thereby digging a bigger hole for herself with Anna Wintour. OR. If this is the truth, and she never planned to attend the biggest night in fashion, she is the stupider than I thought. Either way she’s about one bad outfit away from being booted from the fashion inner-circle.

Why might la Wintour be so peeved with Zoe? For making Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan fashion icons? No. It might have to do with this quote Zoe said in the New York Times Magazine last September:

“Anna Wintour is one of my heroes, but they say that I’m more influential. As great as it is, Vogue won’t change a designer’s business. But if an unknown brand is worn by a certain person in a tabloid, it will be the biggest designer within a week. When I worked with Nicole [Richie], there were things that she wore that designers had to remake for another season because there was such demand.’’

This is the fashion equivalent of the Beatles saying they were bigger than Jesus. Although what Zoe said may be true in a matter of moving clothing in retail, your not supposed to say that aloud. Because for the foreseeable future Anna Wintour is the most powerful person in fashion-regardless if this is a fact or more of a myth built by the media. Hopefully this incident will alert the fashion community that Zoe is has lost her magic touch.

( Ed. note: Although I pray for her demise, I look forward for her reality show on BRAVO. I’m sure her celebrity cilents will be thrilled that she is whoring them out for the cameras for her own self gain. Shouldn’t it be the other way around!? )

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Can You Really Call This Intellectual Property?

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(Separated by a word-Juicy and Victoria Secret)

Juicy Couture is suing Victoria Secret for stealing their idea of writing stupid slogans on the ass of your overpriced velour pants.

Okay that’s not entirely true, but that’s how everyone in the blogosphere is phrasing it as. In reality the lawsuit is based on a similar marketing and packaging campaign. Try to make that interesting! Juicy Couture Inc. and their corporate sugar-mama Liz Claiborne are claiming that they created the “Sweet Shoppe” marketing concept two years before Victoria Secret starting wrapping bras and panties in nearly identical packaging. JC has singled out VS’s Pink Line. What is this Pink Line I speak of? It’s VS’s attempt at clothing. It’s kind of like the Eggo Waffle brand branching out into syrup. Just because it’s kind of similar to what you do-doesn’t mean you should do both!

This infringement extends to their clothing as well, the lawsuit states: “Pink has applied slogans across the seat of pants which famously originated with Juicy Couture and identifies its brand.”

That is all legal jargon to say-’They’re putting stupid slogans on the ass of their pants and everyone knows we created that idiotic idea….and people pay top dollar for that shit. Like totally NO FAIR, NO FAIR, NO FAIR!’

Even though I consider Juicy Couture the dregs of fashion and responsible for debasing the word ‘couture.’ Pam and Gela, the mistresses of Juicy Couture, do deserve credit for making  velour a luxury item. As well as making MILF’s and MILF’s-in-training alike forget that this is a fabric favored by those who live in old folks homes. Far be it for Victoria Secret to steal this idea and sell it for less-oh the horror! Juicy Couture is of course seeking money damages and profit from the alleged copying.

Hey Juicy Couture, it could be worse, Forever 21 could be stealing your ideas!

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Annie Made Me Do It

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By now everyone and their grandmother has seen this non-controverisal, controversial Miley Cyrus photo, photographed by that smut-peddler Annie Leibovitz. It’s been awhile since I’ve posted a ‘real’ Inqusition post, but this incident has pulled me out of hibernation.

I couldn’t help but become irate that while watching my half-an-hour of real news, from 6:30-7, all they seemed to talk about was this photo. And then it went to the hour of entertainment shows, and it was all about the photos. And then the news at 10 and 11, and so on and so on.

Am I the only person seeing someone’s semi-emaciated back? I kept thinking a boob had popped out and I had just not noticed. But no. At a time when you can see Miley with her day-glow bra exposed all over the internet, that photo is controversial? If there was going to be a semi-nude photo of me on the internet I would rather it be taken by Annie Lebowitz any day.

And another thing, what’s the deal with blaming Annie Leibovitz? Is that really fooling anyone? From the press I’ve heard, you would have thought it was Terry Richardson taking the photo!

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Does she realize that Leibovitz shots every other photoshoot that appears in magazines? In a few years when Cyrus will inevitably shot one those obligatory GAP Icons ads-who do you think is going to shoot it? Let’s just hope she doesn’t piss off Inez and Vindooh.

Why is this photo such a big deal? Because Miley does not own herself, no she is the property of The Walt Disney Corporation. She is their commodity and that commodity is innocence. And they are going to hold onto that till she marries her elementary sweetheart in Vegas for 52 hours and effectively loses all her fanbase with increasingly erratic behavior. It’s the tried and true Britney formula. And another thing she isn’t the first celebrity to mix her youth and innocence with risqué, suggestive photos.

Remember this?

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(Britney photographed by David LaChapelle for Rolling Stone at 17)

Or the originator:

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(Brooke Shields at 15 in those infamous Calvin Klein ads)

The truth is, this is such a none story. I don’t mind Billy Bush talking about this photo with the same gravity as if it’s the war in Iraq, because that’s his job-to talk about nothing as if it’s something. But when Charlie Gibson starts speaking about the scandal like it’s Iraq, we’ve got problems. So CNN, NBC, ABC, MSNBC, and FOX NEWS back off of the Miley Cyrus photo-semi-nude-back-gate and leave it to the professionals-us bloggers. Who else has nothing better to do than take an hour out of day to write about Miley Cyrus? Now if you don’t mind I’m going to watch me some CNN. And Miley, if you think that photos is embarrassing at least you haven’t posed for an American Apparel ad yet!

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No one said LV had a sense of humor!

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Does this offend you? If you’re Louis Vuitton (and maybe Paris Hilton) it does!

In October of 2007, artist Nadia Plesner decided to create an art piece dealing with the genocide in Darfur. She created the above illustration that are on t-shirts and posters, with a 100% of the profit going to the organization “Divest for Darfur”

“My illustration Simple Living is an idea inspired by the medias constant cover of completely meaningless things.
My thought was: Since doing nothing but wearing designerbags and small ugly dogs appearantly[sic] is enough to get you on a magasine[sic] cover, maybe it is worth a try for people who actually deserves and needs attention…If you can’t beat them, join them. This is why I have chosen to mix the cruel reality with showbiz elements in my drawing.”

Truth be told she’s not actually making fun of Louis Vuttion, simply celebutantes dependence to Louis Vuitton. Well LVMH didn’t really say it that way and on Febuary 13th sent a cease and desist letter. Which in layman’s terms means ‘take that down before we sue your ass!’ However Plesner is sticking by her right to express herself as an artist. And as of April 15th a LVMH has brought lawsuit against her.

Support Nadia Plesner and her awesome t-shirts and posters.

Get a T-shirt and/or a Poster

See the Lawsuit

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Things that make you go ewwww….

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For any Fashion Indiers that care, fashion victims, Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are getting married. 

 

Here’s the official statement from the couple: 

 

“We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best. Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes - it means the world to us. We consider this to be a very private matter, but we wanted you to hear it straight from us.”

- Ashlee and Pete 

 

Wow Mr.Emo is marrying and Ms. Pseudo-Punk. I imagine their wedding theme will be Tim Burton’s A Nightmare Before Christmas. Stayed tuned for all the hipster wedding details!

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Eyes Wide Open

Time to play name that fashion icon!

 

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Can you guess who’s having an Eyes Wide Shut moment?

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Click to find out

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Middle-Aged Hotness

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Sorry ladies that isn’t your bonus check, those are really just flowers

I don’t know if you’ve heard BUT there’s a Sex and the City movie coming out!That’s right single-girls-who-spend-fifteen-dollars-on-alcoholic-drinks now have a reason to go to the movies! Because those Cameron Diaz rom-coms (romantic comedies for those not in the abbreviation club) were getting so boring! Now there’s a movie that you boyfriend WILL take you to, because S-E-X is in the title.

Here are some newly released press stills from Just Jared. Press stills are entertainment speak for photos that critics receive so they are aware of your film. Um, who doesn’t know this film is coming out? It’s already been promoted to death and there’s not even a full trailer out yet!

The four years between the television show and the film has been a crucial time for the four actresses, as gravity has taken its toll on the no longer thirty-something ladies. However audiences won’t be able to tell any of that from the wonder’s of photoshop!

Is it just me or do SJP and Kim Catrall look more like Sims characters than real humans?

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Thanks to photoshop, SJP is no longer Maxim’s least sexist woman on earth!

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I’m going to assume that’s Kim Catrall, but it more looks like Michelle Pfeiffer on a bad day

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“You know, you don’t want to be a follower….”

Why does Lauren Conrad make it so easy for me to make fun of her?

Here. Watch L.C. give you some styling tips. So you can dress just like her!

I can’t believe this girl…..to think, we share the same first name.

Did you notice this tidbit? I thought it was funny! She stresses to her ‘fans’ that one shouldn’t be a follower.

You know that’s why she didn’t steal a design from one of her favorite designers Jill Stuart.

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Left:Lohan in Jill Stuart from 2007 Right: A look from L.C.’s Spring 2008 collection

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Good Morning. Fashion is F*cked!

Greetings and Salutations Fashion-Inders,

I know you’ve been hearing words like recession and sub-prime-mortgage alot in the past week. And I know you’ve been wondering ‘but what does this stuff really mean for us fashion lovers?’ Simply put….it means we’re fucked.

Let me explain.

The shitty economy + plus designers shitidieous collections= summer wardrobe outfitted by American Apparel

Here are the FIVE FACTORS that are keeping you away from your new Gucci clutch.

1.High Fashion Disasters: I’ve been trying to keep an open mind with this seasons Fall collections, but seriously who would wear this?

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2. The dollar: Even if you wanted a cone-hat that makes you look like Grace Jones, it’s too expensive. Yes I know everything good in fashion is expensive, but even fashion people are saying this shit’s way too expensive! Buyers from the top stores are buying half what they used to because our dollar is worth about half that of the euro. So buyers this season are not taking any chances. Even if you find your Louis Vuitton cone hat, European luxury brand products are twice what they were a year ago.

3.When the f*ck is a season?: Those of you familiar to Fashion Week will know that Spring/Summer shows are presented in the Fall and Fall/Winter in the Spring. Meaning that you see Fall clothing in the stores in July and Summer clothing in January. Who shops like that? Obviously a straight-man thought of this business model.

4.Apple products: That’s right I said it. Who can buy a new pair of Marc Jacobs peep toe heels when they’re still in debt from buying the new Mac Book Air? Accessorizing your Apple products has become the new accessorizing yourself.

5. H&M, Zara, J.Crew, Etc: And all these factors lead fashion consumers to buy from third-tier fashion labels. These brands are not looking to high-fashion but rather to the streets and current trends. They are rolling out new clothing every six weeks and at Wal-Mart-esque prices-because children in Romania are sewing the clothing.

So who’s going to fix this mess? I have no idea. I just explain the problems, I don’t fix them.

I hear Greenspan’s free!

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“No more wire-hangers! EVER!!”

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A Video Response

Here’s video of America Apparel leader Dov Charney. Doing things the AA way.

All I can say is the boss sets the tone.

Upon viewing the above video.

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This makes a lot more sense.

Now I’m going to get into my AA little-boy undies and strut around my apartment building telling my new neighbors that ‘I BELIEVE’ and forcing them to tell me they dig my hipster-undies! I hope you do the same!

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Fame-Whoring Your Way to Fashion Credibility

The reality-celebrity is a West Coast invention. As a former Los Angeles resident, and a native Angeleno, I can tell you living there is a bit like a Twilight Zone episode. Anything west of Sunset, is like driving into a David Lynch film. You have fake-actors pretending to be Charlie Chaplin and Marilyn Monroe along the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Fifteen photographers hounding some non-celebrity right next to homeless man begging for change. And all along Beverly Hills, aged beauty queens with more plastic in them than Amanda Lepore.

In short, it’s all about whoring yourself out.

With the new season of ‘The Hills‘ premiering tonight, a new trend in whoring yourself has begun. Whoring yourself into credibility. Or at least trying to. Lauren Conrad has been everywhere this past week, reminding us that her ambition is not to be followed around by a camera crew but rather for FASHION! Because let’s remember fashion is newest career choice for the vapid. You know what being a model/actress was a decade ago.

In the Weekend Editon of the Wall Street Journal (Yes the great Wall Street Journal actually wrote an article about that chick from the Hills) Conrad’s ‘team’ talk about building the Conrad brand. Since the beginning of the Hills run, Conrad has had an agent by the name of Max Stubblefield. In their first meeting she stressed that her real interest was being a fashion designer. Thus her agent plunged into the ubiquity of celebrity branding. In the past two years, Stubblefield has landed Conrad numerous licensing and endorsement deals. That’s busnisness speak for ‘other people do the work and a relatively famous person puts their name on it’. Then last Tuesday, Conrad debuted her first collection at Los Angeles Fashion Week, the Special Olympics of all the fashion weeks. And how was her collection? I’d say she has a future in design, if she were designing for Forever 21 that is. Because her clothing were blatant rip off of other designers. But buyers don’t listen to me because her clothing is featured in 500 boutiques around the country!!!

Do you hear that Fashion Indie readers? That’s the sound of indie designers throwing themselves from their apartment windows cause they just realized that instead of heading to four years at an accredited school like my near and dear Parsons, they should have been out whoring themselves for MTV, Bravo, or any other camera crew willing to follow their sorry asses around. (I hear that Girls Gone Wild is back on the prowl, hmmm?)

The problem with Lauren Conrad can best be described as a major problem with society and our respect for the craft and dedication to the art of fashion.  Hopefully Ms. Conrad’s latest endevour fades faster than a Paris Hilton flick that doesn’t include a money shot.

If not she’ll always have the camera crews!

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I Think I Just Got A Little Pregnant…..

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In the new Fantastic Man Magazine, on an obscure international newstand near you, Tom Ford says he wants a baby. And I’m not talking like Angelina Jolie style, he’s talking about knocking someone up! Frankly I’m surprised he hasn’t already gotten someone pregnant, with all those chest-hair bearing shirts he insists on leaving undone.

He tells the magazine: “I’m going to have a kid in 2008, Richard [Buckley] (his partner of twenty some odd years)knows I’ve wanted this for a long time. He’s just resisted it. He would be a spectacular father. It’s going to give his life new meaning.” Well I guess that answers who’s the boss in the relationship! Once a demeaning control freak, always a demeaning control freak. And I mean that with the utmost love!

Ford further explains “It will be biologically mine. I mean, I’m a lot younger. If things follow their natural order he’ll [Richard] probably leave the planet ahead of me and I can’t not have had something I’ve wanted forever. I’ve always wanted kids. I don’t want to get to 75 years old and just have made a lot of dresses, done some houses.” Well I’m glad to see he plans on breaking with those old queen stereotypes.But wait, Who’s going to be the baby’s mama?

Here are my choices:

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1. Why Gwyneth Paltrow? She’s thin, she’s WASP-y, and she (arguably) has fashion cred. Also she’s been a Tom Ford groupie for quite awhile. All he has do is roofie her macrobiotic martini and he’s in. Lets hope he still knows where to put things!

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2. Do I even need to explain? It’s Anna Wintour! Yes? Okay! She’s thin, she’s WASP-y, and has (arguably) the most and best fashion cred in the biz. This child (boy or girl) would be a perfect heir to the Vogue dynasty. Plus, aren’t you interested to see what this spawn would look like? And the fashion community’s reaction? I can just imagine it now. Andre Leon Tally as godfather AND godmother!

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3. That’s right I put Paris Hilton! She taps into Tom Ford’s celeb whore gene, you know the one that makes him think it’s okay to pose nude in W Magazine. Together they would produce the most pout-perfect, slender nosed, skin bearing child-no matter if it was a girl or boy. You must admit having a gay-fashion god’s baby is the least selfish thing she’s done in a while.

And if Tom doesn’t find any of these choices suitable, I will take this opportunity to offer myself up. Why? Because as a little girl I always imagined that one day the gay man of my dreams would ask me to bear his child in exchange for a life of luxury and his black American Express Card. You know just like Katie Holmes!

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